B-Movie Review: Thor the Conqueror (1983)

So one of those Italian Sword and Sorcery Conan ripoffs, eh. Well how bad can it be? I hope it's deliciously bad. Man, I haven't watched an awesomely bad movie for a while, I am pumped!

So it begins with bad picture quality!!  You basically can't find a version of this that isn't ripped from a half broken vhs tape where the film itself is falling apart. Oh man, I'm in for a treat.

So under some special star sign of the Gods, or something like that, a woman gives birth to a son, and because of special signs or something the son is destined to be the Chosen of the God Teishaa, or something like that. But just as the boy is born his parents are attacked by barbarians.... wait, aren't his parents barbarians too? Too many barbarians, Barbarianception. The child is saved because a Wizard Dude flees with it, while the father tries to fight off the barbarians.

Sidenote: the man playing the father is probably a stuntman. He has no lines, and they manage to get some good shots of his face while fighting, meaning there was no actor switch. Also he fight quite energetic and is enjoying himself, which indicates he knows what he's doing. 

Anyway, the barbarians are lead by an Archer Dude who kills both parents. He tries to take the father's sword, but it transforms into a snake, so he isn't able to take it.

The child grows up to a man named Thor, destined to be the greatest chief of all, apparently raised by the wizard dude, who's now also the Narrator. The Narrator loves to namedrop things that sounds silly and doesn't seem to have any relevance. The Narrator, who also is the Wizard Dude (wizardception) is very boring to listen to, unfortunately he by far the most line in the entire movie, probably because none of the others know how to act. So the Wizard Dude hasn't done a good job raising Thor considering he just eat all the good stuff himself and leave only fish heads and other bad stuff for his aging stepfather (what a dick). However the Wizard dude is just: "Oh well, time to die then" (pleeaase, your narration is boring... he is not going anywhere, is he?). No, unfortunately the Wizard Dude doesn't die. Just then Thor and the Wizard Dude come up against some cannibals who has a male and a female prisoner. Thor has apparently never seen a female before (Wizard Dude, you are not a good parent, are you) and has that priceless line: "What's that", when he sees the woman. Wait... if he hasn't seen a female before how did Thor got through the creepy teen years? What did he jack off to? Wait, I don't want to know. Of course the Cannibals kill the male prisoner before Thor is able to smash them all. So then Thor takes the female prisoner back to the cave he and Wizard Dude lives in (stay classy wizard dude, stay classy). And then it happens. The LINES! Oh Wizard Dude, you have so much to answer for. Okay, here are the lines: "No Thor, she is not something to eat, lay her down play with her, what else is she good at? The female is stupid, take her, make her yours".

Umm, WHAT?? Oookay Wizard Dude, can you shut up now. Did you just tell your stepson to rape a woman? So, umm, Thor and the woman get on with it. And of course the woman is soo willing to let this strange barbarian have sex with her shortly after she was almost eaten by cannibals. Then she is killed by random barbarians attacking the cave, which is the cue for the wizard to send Thor on a mission to find his father's sword.

 After a few adventures Thor arrive in the land of the Warrior Virgins (basically Amazons), where he immidiately get into a fight with some Amazons. He kills one Amazons and shortly thereafter proceeds to rape another, one he also take prisoner. Stay classy movie, stay classy. 

Not long after taking the Amazon as an unwilling slave, Thor is captured by weird cultists. They sacrifice him by leaving him to bleed to death, but the amazon who at this point has a severe case of Stockholm syndrome help him. Then they find the "golden seed of life", basically seeds. And apparently agriculture is unheard of, because Thor's idea to take the seeds so they'll benefit humanity is unheard of before. Soo, I'd buy that this is pre-agriculture if it weren't for so many things that definitely is no stone age stuff, like things made out of metal. Doesn't make any sense. My guess is they couldn't decide whether to make a Caveman or a Sword and Sorcery movie, and it ended up being a bad mix. But let's discuss the Elephant in the Room. What makes even less sense. Why would the Amazon fall for a guy who just killed her friend and raped her. What the Fuck? And Why in Seven Hells do we need to follow a hero who is a rapist? Especially when the movie makes NO DEAL OUT OF IT AT ALL. 

Yeah, I am not surprised the creepy Wizard Dude is creeping in just as Thor and the Amazon makes love. He's just the creepiest person in this movie and that is saying a lot. Come to think of it this is all his fault. He's the one who raised Thor to be such an ass.

So after some time the Amazon is showing signs of pregnancy, and then Thor and her is invited to come and rule a small village as it's chief. There Thor gets a second wife, a virgin who recently has reached the age and thus should warm the bed of the chief according to traditions and stuff. Yeah, the polygamy would not bother me that much usually, since the movie is about a savage time where things like that are usual. It becomes troublesome because all the other stuff the movie has thrown at us thus far. It's been like a roller-coaster of misogyny.

So Thor just started to teach the villagers agriculture when news of a wandering wild tribe appeared, lead by the Archer Dude who killed Thor's parents. Thor lost the battle and is blinded by the Archer Dude, who for some reason is not fighting with a bow and arrows, despite being a archer. Thor is blinded by the Archer dude, but the Wizard Dude help him get his sight back through the venom of a snake he summons. Meanwhile the Archer Dude and his men have enslaved the village. Thor learns how to tame a horse, and then he find his parents' grave and his father's sword. Then Thor comes in riding, all the Archer dude's men flee. The Archer Dude fight Thor mano o mano (why, he's an Archer, why don't he use his bow, he could probably win by just shooting Thor). Thor of course win and kill Archer dude. Just then the Amazon goes into labour, and Thor's firstborn son is born. The End.

Okay movie, there is such a thing as too much. Sure stupid movies with dumb plot can have much sexism and other political incorrect stuff, and that's fine. This stupid shit is usually what makes a bad movie funny. However there are limits to what goes and what don't go. Our hero being a rapist doesn't go. A dude raising his stepson to be a mysogynist ass is not fine. There's nothing funny about it. Here's a thing. The Damsel in Distress trope is pure fantasy. In reality no women or man would want to have sex with their saviour just after someone tried to rape or kill them, or whatever. However that's just fun escapism. A fantasy about a world everyone knows is not real. However rape is very real. We can allow Villains in our stories do such things, because villains in fiction are always defeated by the hero and has to pay for their crimes one way or another. The hero, no, the hero can be allowed to do bad things, even really bad things, but there has to be CONSEQUENCES. There must be a punishment for the bad, even when the hero commit it. Otherwise the terrible crime just becomes an empty punchline in a joke that isn't funny.

Back from the Cinema: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Okay, dragons are cool. Cool. Like super cool. Except they are hot, because of fire. Cool was a bad choice of words.

First, let's discuss the first Hobbit movie a bit. I liked it, but it had problems. It had problems with tone, it could shift from being a very serious movie to a very childish one and vice versa, which made you unsure of what kind of movie you were watching. This movie has less problems, some childish things do exist, but they are brief and don't change the tone of the whole movie. In a way the second part is in many ways more coherent.

I liked this movie. And thus I will start to list things I thought good:
1) Evangeline Lilly as Tauriel. She is great in her role as a female warrior elf. She carries the role well, and make her character seem less "inserted in the story (not from the source materials) and gives the movie a necessary female touch in a affair that otherwise would be a sausage fest (as the book is).
2) The special effects. Marvellous. And the first time I saw any practical use of 3-D with that darn bee, it only lasted a second though and then 3-D was as useless as ever.
3) Freeman and the Dwarves becoming more comfortable in their roles. Many things seemed more natural than in the First Hobbit Movie. They were never bad in the first one, but they felt like they now really had found their inner dwarves. This made it more easier to relate to the characters.
4) Smaug: the dragon was friggin awesome! It looked great and menacing. The design, how it breathed fire and the whole scenes with it fighting. And of course it's voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch!! And it's great.

Okay, now for the stuff that wasn't that good. This movie is not perfect. There are certainly things to critisize.
1) Gandalf's quest. It wasn't interesting. Gandalf vs. Sauron sounds awesome, but really, all the time we shifted to Gandalf's side adventure I just wanted it to end and go back to the main quest with Freeman and the Dwarves. It wasn't good.
2) Legolas. Orlando Bloom was not showing his a game. Unlike Tauriel his role felt force, probably because Bloom wasn't giving his all to make it work. Legolas felt boring and lifeless.
3) Smaug not dead yet: it really felt that this movie was not complete. Smaug was still alive and the battle still in the middle when the movie ended. I really felt this was bad. They built up this climatic battle, and while we got parts of it, we didn't get the finish. You can't end it in the middle like this!! Damnit, I won't remember everything they built up during the battle next year when we see the conclusion. A bad move.

I still liked the movie alot. Especially the Dragon Cumberbatch! More movies need Dragon Cumberbatch! But all in all, I feel now more and more that the Lords of the Rings movie were way better. Last year I still couldn't make up my mind and decided I needed to see more Hobbit to decide which series is better. Now I'm sure, LotR is much better than the Hobbit. Probably because in LotR we have three movies based on three long books. In the Hobbit we have three movies based on one relatively short book. It's still a fun watch though. I look forward to the third Hobbit movie.

B- Movie Review: Stormquest (1987)

This is an obscure movie, very hard to find. There are not much about it at all on the Internets. There is a reason for that. It's not a very good movie.

The movie actually begin with a scream. Is this good or bad? Then there are disjointed pictures to a sweet 80s tune? Is this good or bad? I'm so confused. I don't understand.

Well, after the confusing opening we start in the female dominated Kingdom of Kimbia where some guards are sent to the dungeon to fetch three prisoners. Wait a minute, Kingdom of Kimbia, and female dominated? Doesn't make any sense at all. Shouldn't it be a Queendom, not a Kingdom? Anyway, three women stand on trial, a guard who has stolen some gold from the treasury, a warrior woman who's accused of having a male lover and a priestess who's accused of setting their god free (the god is a lioness). Now you may wonder, if it is forbidden to have male lover how do they procreate? Well, they explain this. They mate with males from elsewhere during ceremonies, and they send their male offspring back to their fathers. I guess it makes some sense, as much sense as a one gendered society can make. And there's some sexy whipping of the female criminals. If I were a judge I would always order 20 lashes to all sex female prisoners.

Meanwhile in some other King/Queendom, whatever, a bunch of shirtless duded liberate loads of male prisoners. This country is apparently ruled by the Stormqueen. Meanwhile the three prisoners as well as the Warrior girl's male lover are to be executed by being thrown down a waterfall. However the Shirtless dudes intervene and there is a battle. The Warrior girl's lover dies but the three prisoners and the Warrior girl's sister all join with the Shirtless dudes, who apparently are rebels rebelling against the Stormqueen. We  also get to meet the Stormqueen who's a fat transvestite whose main hobby is to torture her male slaves. She also has a charming menagerie full of poisonous snakes and tarantulas.

We learn that the Storm Queen drug the food given to the male slaves in her kingdom, so drones (workers) can't think at all, while studa (slaves for mating) only think of themselves. The Stormqueen also enjoys the sport of death hunts, where male prisoners have to escape from mad, hungry male slaves who are trained to kill. All in all he/ she is a charming character. Meanwhile the mother of the two sisters is arrested home in Kimbia, and the guard prisoner betrays the others.

The battles in this movie a confusing, chaotic and badly lit. You don't see what's happening in them, which is really bad. The movie feels boring and dragging. Scenes drag on much longer than they should. This movie could have been, and should have been 30 minutes shorter. Now it's almost 2 hours long, and doesn't have 2 hours of content. I like the scene where the rebel leader is caught by the Stormqueen and taken to his/her harem. He just laugh at her straight in the face. And she gets furious. Prizeless. The whole climax is apparently the revelation that the Storm Queen is actually a dude. I call bullshit, everyone knew that. Why would anyone buy that it's a woman in the first place? Also there is crocodile wrestling, that looks fake, because they shoot it again so you don't see what's going on, probably because their crocodile would look more fake than the Storm Queen's gender. Also the ending has more drag than the Storm Queen herself. Okay, I stop the bad puns now. The acting wasn't good, but I hadn't expected better. Unfortunately no brilliant bad acting moments, just quite boring stuff.

I can't recommend this one. It's just not that good.

B- Movie Review: Sorceress (1982)

The movie start with some riders in the dark chasing some people and killing them, and we see a woman trying to flee with her young child. The leader of the Riders is called Trogon and he hunt down the woman and kill her, because she was his lover, but she fled when she became pregnant. Trogon has promised to sacrifice his firstborn to his God. But soon he realizes that the woman gave birth to twin girls, and he don't know which of them is the firstborn. Then suddenly Oldman McSensei, Trogon's old teacher, appear and kills Trogon. But it turns out that Trogon is a Sorcerer, and thus apparently has three lives, so he will be back. Oldman McSensei decide the girls has to be raised as warriors so they can revenge their mother's death.

20 years later Trogon comes back to life and orders his followers to find the twins. Meanwhile the twins are bathing in a lake, but are harassed by a horny Moronic Satyr. They chase the moronic Satyr away. When they return to their village though they see Trogon's men all around the place killing and raping. This seems to always happen to these villages in these movies. So the twins, dressed up as boys to conceal their identity (not that it would fool anyone considering they have boobs) attack the soldiers and kill them. Then they are joined by the Moronic Satyr, a Viking Dude and Oldman McSensei. Oldman McSensei gives them his last powers and tell them about their mother and how she was killed, then he dies.

So they all go to a Middle Eastern looking town to find Viking Dude's friend. It turn out he's a young handsome Barbarian Dude, who likes womanizing, gambling, and especially cheating on dice. There is some fighting and then they go to Barbarian Dude's place.

Ahahahahahahaha! This is so friggin dumb. The twins have no idea they are girls, because the morons who raised them never told them. They don't even know there is a difference between boys and girls. This is idiotic. So juicy, deliciously dumb. Anyway, the Twins are left alone for a couple of seconds, but that enough for them to be tricked by a suspicious woman to follow her right into a trap, and they're caught. Trogon's girlfriend arrive to conduct some tests to determine which one of them is the firstborn, but the real question is why she has a dude in a Monkey Suit with her. Anyway, apparently the firstborn would be immune to fire, so they test it, and the first twin they test it on is immune. But meanwhile Viking Dude and Barbarian Dude beat up some soldier, steal their horses, and charge right in and save the twins. Even the moronic Satyr kick some ass.

They flee into the forrest, but the Monkey Suit Man and his friends (more Monkey Suit men) attack them, and Barbarian Dude and one of the Twins (the older one I think) are captured and they are taken to Trogon. Trogon reveal to the twin (I think she is called Mara) that he is her father, but no Luke Skywalker moment here. Mara says that if this is true they have to treat Barbarian Dude well. Trogon promise he will be well taken care off, but minutes later he order Barbarian dude to be executed for cheating in dice (apparently gambling is taken very seriously). However Trogon's girlfriend find a medallion that reveal Barbarian Dude is of royal blood and they decide to keep him alive for now. Of course Trogon's girlfriend try to seduce Barbarian Dude, she tell him that she want a real man and want to depose Trogon, but that the sacrifice need to go through and that the Gods will be pleased if Mara carries the seed of Royalty when she's sacrificed. So Barbarian Dude makes love to Mara. Meanwhile the younger twin sense their lovemaking through her psychic link, and a hillarious scene begin, with a very confused Viking Dude not knowing what's going on.

The ending is deliciously dumb and stupid, like these movies usually are, but nothing extra. Other movies of the genre has more impressive final battles, even if they try to throw in alot of stuff. The acting in this movie is wooden, and Viking Dude is worse than worst. It's not entertainingly bad, it's just boring bad. There is still some enjoyable scenes in this movie, but others are better. It's watchable, but not good. Certainly not good.

There is also some lies in this one. It's called Sorceress, but the girls never use sorcery in this movie. So what's with the title? And Trogon had three lives, so does this mean he will come back again? This is never adressed, like they just forgot that plot point. And another downer is that the twins aren't that good looking. Which is a pity, some pretty faces could make wonders for this movie.

Special Review: The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried (1971)

And we all know what "sword" that is. A tip: it's a dick.

Yes, indeed, it's time to tackle some German (badly dubbed to English) porn spoof of the ancient legend made a classic by Wagner: The Niebelung Ring!

We start with Something Weird. At least the text says so. Well, I tell you what's weird. The music in this movie. Always miss the tone a little. We learn that slaying monsters sure are boring, heroes need better things to do. The narrator is kind enough to explain that in old timey times heroes also were master womanizers, and that's what they were doing when there weren't any boring monsters to slay. Tell me something new!! That's common knowledge!

We begin with our Hero Siegfried riding together with his clumsy Manservant Hansel to Castle Burgundy, where Siegfried hope to marry King Gunther's sister Kriemhild. However in Castle Burgundy the king is worried about Siegfried coming there. Siegfried has killed a dragon and overthrew a caste single handedly, so they rightly worry that he is hostile. Meanwhile Siegfried is entertaining a peasant girl in a barn while the manservant is sleeping. And this is the worst fake fucking I have ever seen. And it's not sexy. You can make fake sex look better, damnit. It's a problem throughout the movie. That the sex isn't real is too obvious, and there is just no fapping to that. Then the king's men for some reason attack the barn. Hansel's line is gold: "Time to stop humping and start fighting". However Siegfried beat that with "Oh, you caught me with my pants down". Good fun.

Meanwhile we get to know that Kriemhild and her attendants are very in lesbians with each other. That won't last long though. Siegfried arrive in Worms.... wait the castle is called Worms. I get the pun, but who in their right mind would name a castle Worms? So Siegfried start to behave like an utter ass, and demand that the king throw a large feast for him. The great advantage with being a hero is the right to behave like an utter asshole. Before the feast Siegfried of course has his way with both a servant girl, and then with Kriemhild's attendants.

We basically have our Wagner. Siegfried want to marry Kriemhild, but to do that he must help Gunther win the right to marry the Warrior Queen of Iceland: Brunhilde. They have to get through the flame that guard her castle, that look really fake btw. Then Gunther have to meet her challenge, that in this version of course is to give her an orgasm three nights in a row. As in the original story Gunther wins only through cheating. Siegfried is the one giving her the orgasm, while she believe it's Gunther. Magic ftw!!

So the marriages happen. Kriemhild loses her virginity (yeah, right), but for Gunther tings look bleak when Brunhilde realizes she has been duped. She even call him Limp Noodle (yikes). Siegfried actually takes his marital vows seriously. He reject the advances of the women of the court... wait, this is a porno. Marital fidelity don't really have a place here. And now to the more serious stuff. The end is long and has a depressing tone. There is no way out of it. You can't do Wagner without going serious. Which doesn't fit a porno well. Pornos are best when light hearted. And this goes into the heavy serious plot with the conspiracy against Siegfried. However the ending come quickly and doesn't go they way the original story goes. I guess they just couldn't give it a sad ending, and they were running out of time (and saw no space to put in a sex scene for the later arc). I think the ending must have gone through some rewrites and cuts. It feels forced and abrupt.

The sets were a little bit too good for this movie, I suspect they were for some other production and the team for this movie only borrowed them. Kriemhild is played by the semi known porn actress Sybil Danning, if that helps at all. This movie is not good. The porn isn't good at all. The girls are quite good looking, but it doesn't help if the sex look fake and bad. Wagner's Niebelung Ring is a weird theme for a porn spoof, and while you can have a playful beginning about a hero banging every chick, you eventually end up with the more heavy and serious stuff of the source material that just doesn't fit well. No, not a good one.

War Goddess (1973), aka. The Amazons

War Goddess, The Amazons, I'm sure there are more alternate titles to this one. This is actually a Italian movie that was dubbed to English for the International Market, which often happened with Italian exploitation films those days. The Italian name is Le guerriere dal seno nudo, which I'm told means bare breated warriors. That's actually an awesome title. Why can't the English name be as awesome. When speaking about Italian and stuff, the dub is good. It feel  natural, and you forget the actors and actresses actually don't speak English. The Director Terence Young is actually from Hong Kong originally, and no, I have no idea whether his name was actually Terence Young, or if he used a pseudonym. Many Italian directors used pseudonyms for the International adaptation of their movies.

Apparently this story really happened 1000 years ago. First I don't think there's any chance that anything like this ever really happened, and second, I think Ancient Timey Times, happened many thousands of years ago. So the timing seems all wrong. And who the heck put the text there? It seems out of place, not really part of this move. Was it there originally or added for later versions? Anyway, this movie is loosely based on the story of Theseus, but very loosely. 

So we start in the lands of the Amazons where there is some kind of contest going on. They compete in Javelin throwing, mountain climbing, obstacle track, horseriding, archery and finally wrestling. In the end there are two Amazons left competing, our protagonist Antiope and a muscular bitch named Orathea. And the one who wins will become the next Amazon Queen. So the stakes are high, and the last competition is barebrested, well oiled wrestling, complete with a sexy oiling scene. Hell Yeah! Antiope of course wins, and apparently it means she will be queen for 4 years until the next competition. 

As Queen, Antiope decide the Amazons have to return to the Good Old Days, when the Amazons were strong and feared by the Nations of Men. But there is a ritual coming, a ritual when  the Amazons meet up with men to breed. And preparations need to be made, one must first meditate on how horrible and repulsive men are. Antiope also decide to get rid of the special privilegies of the army, now they will have to live in tents, and always be prepared and have no servants!! Of course Orathea and the soldiers are pissed. The cuts in this movie are not always that well made, they sometime come abtruptly and destroy the flow, at some points even in the middle of a dialogue. 

Meanwhile the King of the Greeks have joined up with his army who are going to the Amazon border on breeding duty, because he is curious about the Amazons. However his General advices him to attack the Amazons instead and take their copper mines, the king reject the idea even though Greece is in desperate need of copper. The King also decide to pretend to be a normal Military Officer for the Coupling ceremony. Orathea meanwhile try to fuck with the queen by spiking her wine with an aphrodiciac, however the queen's handmaiden end up drinking the wine, so the plan is foiled. It's of course the King who comes to Antiope's tent, and of course he seduces her, which means what was called a "simple business transaction" now became much more pleasant. Antiope however decide to bail on the third agreed night, and lead her Amazons away, but they are attacked by Scythians. Greek scouts have also detected the Scythians though, so the Greeks come to their help. Even though the King and his men saved the Amazons' lives, the Amazons are pissed because the Greeks violated their borders. Antiope then decided to do a ceremony to get a vision from the Goddess Artemis on whether to go to war with the Scythians or not. Orathea have manipulated her to suspect the Greeks and Scythians might ally. Antiope thus declare only minutes into the ceremony that she has a vision that they need to go to war with the Scythians. However usually it takes at least an hour to get into trance, so the Priestesses are not happy at all and calls it scandalous. It also turn out Antiope is very much pregnant. And with most of the army gone to fight the Scythians, the King uses the lax security to sneak into the Amazon City and have another passionate night with the Queen.

It turns out the King is married to a Cretean Princess (she has an accent though, which is funny since no one else has, and I thought Cretans were closely related to both Greeks and Amazons), and he send his wife as a spy pretending to be an Emissary for the Oppressed Women of Crete. She reports back the position of the Amazon Copper Mines. Antiope finds out about this (through sneaking to the king's tent. How she was able to sneak there undetected, why she did it and how she knew where the Greek camp site was is never explained). Antiope is naturally not pleased and swear to her attendants back in Amazon land that she will kill all the Greeks and burn their capital Athens, and kill their women and children. Then she goes to labor. Unfortunately it's a boy, and it means he will have to die in  a brutal ceremony with all the other boys born as a result of the coupling. Antiope is heartbroken, and start to question the Amazon ways.

Then Orathea returns and brag about how they crushed the Scythians, enslaved Scythian women to work on  the Amazon farms, so the soldiers wouldn't have to and how they mutilated the Scythians children. Antiope is shocked by the brutality and orders a change in how Amazon warfare works. Orathea and her officers are furious. They draw straws on who will kill the Queen, and Orathea draws the shortest straw. She sneak into the queen's chamber, but the queen feels someone's presence and is alarmed. This somehow all end up in NAKED FISTFIGHT, and even better, somehow the brutal naked battle between these Tigresses end with LESBIAN SÈX! Hooray! This is the best part of the movie and the sexiest. I have no idea why this happened. But it's AWESOME! Plotwise it makes no sense though. Antiope and the Amazons meet up with the Greeks for the couplings again, but this time Antiope and Orathea has plotted a mass slaughter, where the Amazons would slaughter the Greek soldiers. However the King seduces Antiope again, and tell her that her son is alive and well, and that he and the other boys were somehow saved. How? Did they bribe the Amazon priestesses or something. This all happened off screen and it's not explained. Anyway Antiope want to see her son and runs away with the King. Orathea and the Amazons think she has been kidnapped and ride out to chase the Greeks. This of course lead to the final battle scenes between Greeks and Amazons. 

The battle scenes are not that bad for a low budget movie. I also like that the Greeks used chariots, they should have more Chariot Warfare in movies. The ending is a little bit too cheesy, and doesn't reflect the situation very well. I like parts of it, but others feel like the characters should take the gravity of their situation more seriously. And Antope's character behaves very out of character at the end. But it's all forgiven by the text suddenly appearing on the screen. A simple line that makes it all better. It's genious really, that line makes the rather dumb things in this movie instantly forgiven. The stupid text in the beginning is forgiven too, thanks to this line. It just makes it all better.

Seriously, I kind of liked the movie. It had BOOBS,and plenty of it. The acting was okay, and the dub worked fine. Storywise some things don't work very well, especially towards the end. Also, there were subplots that didn't really reached a conclusion or had very unsatisfactory conclusions. But all in all, this movie is okay. Can be worth a watch, perhaps with a cold beer.

B-Movie Review: Barbarian Queen (1985)

Oh yes, it's 80's Sword and Sorcery again. And it's another Fake Feminist Movie, you know one of those that pretend to be all about strong female characters and female empowerment, while they really are aimed towards horn men who want to see half naked chicks and BOOBS.

So we begin at some nice river bank, in some untouched paradise where a blonde hottie is picking flowers. Of course she's quickly attacked by some ugly dudes, and then she's raped.

Next we visit a nearby idyllic Barbarian village, where a Prince is about to get married to the main character. We know she's the main character because she's Lara Clarkson, and because she's marrying a prince. She's worried about her missing sister though (the girls who picked flowers and was raped in the beginning). But before the marriage ceremony can even begin soldiers attack the village. The Prince and his friend: Large Man with a Big Stick are competent fighters themselves and takes out several soldiers, and our main heroine is of course also a very competent fighter. She takes out a dude about to rape her best friend for example (yes BOOBS!). But in the end everyone except our Heroine and her Friend are captured or killed. Our Heroine of course swear to free the slaves and take revenge on the evil soldiers. The soldiers all wore silly hats, so I guess they are from the Silly Hat Empire. They are soon joined by another survivor, a Warrior Woman who escaped her captors. Together the threesome goes down the river by canoe.

They soon reach a Soldier Outpost, and kill the soldiers, and tries to free their harem of slaves, but only one slave survives, the sister of our Heroine (although she appear to have become a little screwy in her head). Next they find a community of farmers that also has been attacked by the soldiers. A little boy among the survivors show them to some underground catacombs that lead under the city of the Silly Hat Empire. In these catacombs there hides a small group of rebels lead by the boy's father. The father is some kind of one armed healer.

So our Heroine then goes into the city incognito and learn her fiancee and his friend have become gladiators. Meanwhile her Friend who is supposed to watch her Sister loses sight of her, and the Sister decide to go inside the inner city where only soldiers and their slave whores can go. The Friend is caught by soldiers and raped, but our Heroine and the Warrior Woman catches up with her and tries to free her, which causes a ruckus and they end up fighting loads of soldiers and are all captured. The Warrior Woman is tortured, tries to escape and is killed. The Main Bad Guy, the leader of the city and commander of the soldiers tries to rape the Heroine, but she bite him in the face, which naturally makes him angry. The Main Bad Guy is quite ok. He can certainly be quite menacing. All the bad guys are super cheesy evil archetypes by the way. Thus making them very entertaining to watch.

The Heroine is taken to a Torture Chamber managed by a Jewish Scientist. Ooooh, RACISM! Sweet, sweet RACISM. Hooray! Of course the evil Scientist straps her to his machine and start to rape her (what else), but she squeezed his dick so hard it hurts and he has no choice but to release her. Then she throws him into a pool of boiling liquid, not sure if it's water or oil (what, of course he has a pool of boiling liquid, who doesn't?) Meanwhile the Friend is taken to a Gladiator's Brothel, to be a Gladiator's Whore. There she finds the Prince and his Friend, and it turns out the Friend and the Friend are lovers!! They plan to make the gladiators rise up against the soldiers, and need the help of the rebels. The Sister has become the Main Bad Guy's little plaything. All this set up for a climatic end battle and quite a satisfying ending. But this movie IS A LIE! There's no Barbarian Queen, and even if the Heroine marries her Prince, she does not become a Queen.

But all in all, quite a satisfying movie. It has BOOBS, it has some fights, although I've seen better. The dialog is okay, not terribly bad at all. All in all, quite good. I recommend a watch,

Lost in Translation: Tarkan Altin Madalyon (1972) aka Tarkan 4 Evah or Tarkan joins the Circus

Honestly no idea what the real English title is, thus the derpy ones. This would be the 4th Tarkan movie, i.e. after the Viking one.

The movie start with a messenger arriving in Attila's Camp with a medallion in the shape of a Roman Double Eagle. This medallion makes Attila flash back to a time when a beautiful blonde woman was his lover. We hear some boring narration I can't understand a word of, but I get that this woman was very important to Attila. Her name seem to be Honoria and Attila decide to find her. He find her quickly and it turn out she has given him a son (around 9 years old or so). Then they are suddenly attacked by some dudes, but Tarkan and Kurt arrive to help Attila fight them off, but too late Honoria and Attila's son are taken to an evil king who punish his soldiers for failing to kill Attila by killing them by pit, spikes and snake while practising  an awesome evil laugh. It seems the bad guys in this one are the Vandals, since their name are dropped alot. And then we see an exotic bar/ inn/ brothel with exotic dancers/ whores, and oh my, the Vandal queen seem to be secretly a Prostitute! And meanwhile the Vandal Vizier rapes Honoria, oh my, such a lovely Court!!

Then we see a Vandal Emissary arrive at the Hunnic Camp delivering a dead Honoria, which means the Vizier killed her after the rape. So Tarkan rides out to save Attila's son but soon decide to stay at an inn, or the same inn that turn up in every Tarkan movie! I swear, it's the same one, they don't change anything. Shame, Turkey, suspension of disbelief destroyed. Anyway Tarkan is attacked by a group of fools, but it seems Tarkan and the Main Fool are old friends (I have no idea who that is though). So the fools help Tarkan infiltrate the Vandal town, one of them dressed as a Woman Apple Seller and the rest hidden in her/ his barrels. And then they help Tarkan in, by giving him a rope so he can climb the wall. So after some sword-fighting they settle down at the exotic bar/ inn/ brothel. It seems the Main Fool and the Ugly Matron are a couple (yuck). However the Queen arrive disguised as a Prostitute, but the Main Fool and Tarkan fools her (HA!), and Tarkan easily disarm the dagger she was hiding in her attempt to play the role as an assassin, while the Main Fool was hiding under the bed (kinky). So they force her to show them her secret tunnel to the Palace. Meanwhile the rest of the Fools are also infiltrating the Palace. I like the stealth approach this mission has, refreshing considering there usually just are alot of big brawls. So with the help of some High Circus Antics the Fools, Tarkan and Kurt saves Attila's son and leave the Vandal Town.

But meanwhile the Vizier has a Witch spying on Tarkan through some Magic Mumbo Jumbos. Tarkan and the Main Fool sleep at the same inn as earlier. The Innkeeper's daughter seem to be the Main Fool's girlfriend (much better than the Ugly Matron). But thanks to the Witch the Vandals catch up with them, so Tarkan and the Main Fool decide to fight them while the Innkeeper's daughter ride off with Attila's son. However she is killed by a magic spider web, so the Witch takes Attila's son. Tarkan follow her tracks to... wait, this landscape is awfully familiar. This is the same place the Witch in the 1970 movie lurked in. It's THE SAME WITCH! She seem to have recovered remarkably well from death. So, at the Witch's place Tarkan fight a dude made of pure gold, whose weakness it that his eyes are real.
Oh, my, did the Witch just RAPE TARKAN??!!

So Tarkan is brainwashed by the Witch and ride up to Attila's camp to try to kill him, but fails. Then the Main Fool and Kurt are able to break the hex, and Tarkan is released from the curse, just to escape from his own execution. He joins up with the Main Fool and Kurt again. Meanwhile in Vandal Town the King and the Witch are celebrating. The queen is ousted for being a Prostitute and is killed. The Fools infiltrate Vandal Town and the Party dressed up as Fools!! And then we have the final big brawl: Kurt vs, Snake, Fools vs. Soldiers, Tarkan vs. Everyone. The King, the Vizier and the Witch are all killed (although the Witch might just get better again), and Attila's son is rescued, HOORRAY!!

So it was a great ride again. This time Tarkan had much help from the Fools, in one way making it more realistic, since it was less a One-Man-Show than before. But on the other hand the Fools kind of stole the show, Tarkan couldn't have done it without them. Also Kurt is awesome!!

Lost in Translation: Tarkan (1969)

 Lost in Translation is me trying to review a movie in a language I can't understand that doesn't have subtitles in a language I understand and thus I probably miss parts of the story altogether. The reason for this segment is easily explained. I wanted to watch more Tarkan films, but only the Viking one I reviewed last year seem to have Englis subtitles. Thus I decided that I just have to watch without subs, and try to review it anyway.

This is the first Tarkan movie, from 1969. For you who haven't read my last review the Tarkan movies were cheap Turkish Sword and Sorcery movies, mainly made in the 70s about a Hunnish warrior named Tarkan, who served Attila himself. They are fun cheap cheesy action flicks, with amusingly dumb stories. Delicious low brow romps in other words.

The epic Tarkan music already begins in the opening credit, promising a good time. Then there is narration (sigh, can't understand a word) and from the maps and pictures shown I guess it has to do with the Hunns arriving to conquer Europe, but facing heavy resistance from the Romans and the Goths. Then the movie begins with Attila the Hun holding an archery competition, and none of the n00bs can beat Attila's high score, until suddenly a wanderer arrive and beat it even from a greater distance, and of course it's Tarkan. And he has his dog Kurt with him too, like in the Viking movie.

Meanwhile the Roman Emperor appoint a badass Gladiator to kill Tarkan and Attila (I think), and the emperor is also surrounded by two beautiful women, and I think the one with the crown is suppose to be his wife (but could just be his lover too I suppose), and I think the other beautiful woman is supposed to be a servant of the Empress (if she indeed is the Empress). Anyway it's revealed that the Gladiator is doing the Empress (not that smart), but that point don't ever come up in the story again.

Then we see Tarkan beat up some Romans who tried to rape a Hunnish girl. Tarkan seldom say much and never show emotions, but what still makes him work as a movie hero is his intimidating stare. The stare alone show his presence, and make sure everyone knows a Badass has entered the building.
After this little episode we're introduced to the Goths, and we see that their leader is a Brute who likes to kick people. Of course there is also a beautiful blonde Warrior Maiden (not that there is anything "maiden" about her) among the Goths. The weapons in this movie though... man they look plastic. I know this is an old Turkish movie made on a tight budget, but couldn't they have tried to make the weapons look more realistic? Anyway, then we see Tarkan beating up an Innkeeper for some reason, probably because he think the Innkeep is fat or something. After that he makes sweet love to the Innkeeper's daughter. Now that's a REAL MAN. Of course this ends with the Innkeeper calling in the Goths on him. Then we see that the Gladiator is staying at the same Inn and help Tarkan flee. The Innkeeper mad in his anger tries to kill Tarkan, but accidentally kill his daughter instead. Then the Gladiator leads Tarkan into a Roman trap.

So Tarkan is taken to a Roman town and made into a Gladiator, which obviously is a mistake since making him a gladiator just makes him more awesome and manly. Tarkan is then saved by the Empress and shee sleeps with him (she basically sleeps with everyone). The Emperor finally got enough of her infidelity though, and have her and Tarkan hunted by his archers, which leads to the Empress being killed. Tarkan's women dying is a central theme of this movie. After an action scene Tarkan goes to a Brothel which end with a scene where he fights the Gladiator, several Roman soldiers and the Emperor and KILLS THEM ALL (this really happens!!) But the Gladiator must have survived somehow, because he is later killed again at the Goth HQ (at least I think it's the same person, it might be another one who does look alot like him).

After the brothel adventure Tarkan is caught by the Goths. That Warrior Chick is apparently now a queen or something and has Tarkan thrown into the dungeons. Tarkan escapes and kills alot of Goths, which is enough to convince the Goth Warrior Queen to shag him. However they are interrupted when the Goth Leader return (I guess the chick just was leader in his absentia). Then the Goth Leader kills the Warrior Chick. Again, Tarkan's women die. At the end of the movie there's a battle between the Hunns and the Goths again, Tarkan saves the Hunnish girl once more, but never sleeps with her. I think it's because he really cares for her, and knows his women always die. Thus he can never have her since it would mean her demise.

After the battle Tarkan goes to a cave to see some kind of wizard. But the wizard has already been killed by a Goth. There's a battle of course. The Wizard was probably Tarkan's father or teacher or something, because his death actually triggers a slight emotional reaction from Tarkan. Then Tarkan finds Excalibur, uses the Sword of Kings to kill the Goth Leader, and then gives the Magic Sword to Attila (THIS REALLY HAPPENS). And thus this movie end.

This review might seem like just a boring recap, and in a way it is. Lost in Translation will all be about me trying to interpret movies in foreign languages, and write down the story as I understand it with what I get from what's happening in the movie, but not understanding the exposition at all. Like the Viking movie this Tarkan movie was action packed and fun. A cheesy and dumb ridiculous story and a lot of action. What's not to like?

B- Movie Review: Hundra (1983)

Hundra, sounds like Swiss word or something. Wouldn't know can't speak Swiss. Anyway this is as Sword and Sorcery movie from the early 80s (when loads of them apparently were made).

So our movie begin with the Narrator. The Narrator this time is an old woman and she tell you that the women got enough of the laziness of the male sex and moved into the forest and became nomads. That is if you believe the Narrator, usuallu they are just full of shit. I never believe them anymore. Of course with leaving all men behind the women soon faced a tiny little problem, they couldn't reproduce. So they basically went back to the men now and then for a lay, and then returned to their tribe when they become pregnant. That's actually kind of an awesome arrangement. The men get all the fun but no responsibility. Women Liberation Yay! Of course they also give up all male children. That's going to bite them in the ass sooner or later, since then the World will run out of men soon. And if you from this information guessed this is one of those fake feminist movies, you would be right. A fake feminist movie is a movie that pretend to have a feminist message while still being aimed towards a male audience.

The  main character is Hundra (played by Laurene Landon) and she is the best warrior in the tribe, and a good huntress too. She just likes to kill stuff and has no wish to make any children. One day Hundra goes out hunting and of course then a group of EVIL MEN attack. And suddenly you wonder if Hundra wasn't only the best warrior, but the only warrior, since the village seem to be undefended. Of course there are other warriors and they show up, but then it's already the middle of the raid. Where were those warriors when the raid begun? Why weren't they protecting the village? The scene where Hundra's 13-year-old sister kills several full grown bearded warriors is awesome though, of course this is followed by a less pleasant scene were said sister get raped. One thing about the raid I can't understand though. The men's plan to kill all the women is quite short sighted. With all women dead they'd never get any in the future, and that also means they just doomed the whole human race. Of course the human race would still have died since no one were raising boys, but now they just sped up the doom drastically.

So yeah, Hundra is the only survivor and this is kind of an revenge film, which of course all fake feminist films really are. But this is just kind of since the whole revenge theme get derailed later. The early fight scenes are just brutal which sits well with the tone of this movie. Revenge flicks need this merciless brutality for it to be believable. Hundra also have two side kicks, her horse and a bitch named Beat (as in female dog). But then the story get derailed, Hundra goes to see a Wise Woman who lives in the mountains, and the Wise Woman tell her she must let a man knock her up, which makes sense since she's the last woman in the world. Her first trial is to face a tribe of Midgets, led by Midget Braveheart! Perhaps the Midgets will rule the World now when the human race is doomed? NUDE RIDING scene, don't tell me this movie wasn't aimed towards young men. BOOBS!

Eventually she find the Land of the Men. Wait, there are women here... what.... I don't understand, weren't all women suppose to live in that tribe in the forest? PLEASE EXPLAIN. Anyway, the first man she finds is indeed A REAL MAN, he drinks, whores and eat and never washes! He's such a prime example of manliness that she can't handle it and instead of fucking him she end up kicking his ass., Silly woman, you won't have any children if you don't know your place. One thing can be said about that man though, he sure knows how to TREAT A WOMAN. So she end up in the city, there's a slapstick fight scene, which doesn't go well with the earlier grittier and brutal tone. She goes to the Temple to learn the womanly ways, apparently this society is lead by a priest and a  couple of chieftains who come to the temple to enjoy the young courtesans there. Hundra also falls for a fruity healer, which shouldn't be a surprise. She would want to be the dominant partner in bed after all. The bad guys are the Priest and his Adjutant, and the adjutant is fucking awesome with a lot of juicy lines.

The story is confusing, but there are a lot of strong well made scenes. The story suffers from an unclear narration in the beginning (the lying narrator all over again), and also the problem that it can't decide whether it is a hard ass brutal revenge story or a lightly themed story about a barbarian woman trying to get laid. Thus also both the brutal fight scene and the slapstick fight scene. Two different tones that don't belong in the same movie. Laurene Landon is awesome though, she plays the role well, and dominate the scenes. She has a very good screen presence and can show the right emotions for the emotionally strong scenes in this movie. And those scenes are where this movie is at it's best. it really nails them.

B- Movie Review: Tales of an Ancient Empire (2010)

Okay, 28 Years Later they make a sequel. And they really shouldn't have. Because if you don't have a good idea for a sequel even after all these years, then there really shouldn't be one. This is a mess.

First of all the overdramatized rock music is not epic, just distracting and irritating, take away most of the atmosphere and make it impossible to enjoy the scenes. And this fucking music is everywhere. Some of the scenes in the beginning rely too much on close ups and are shot in darkness so you have trouble seeing what's going on, not good. Later scenes are better, and I give this movie this: some of the scenes are very beautifully shot, really good, but it doesn't help. Especially when the dumb rock music destroy all the atmosphere these shots could have given the movie. Who the hell was responsible for the music anyway?

The story, well it's a mess too. Now we have a Vampire story, and a Vampire Sorceress is awakened from her grave by some Grave Robbers. The Vampire Sorceress attacks the kingdom of Abelard and the reigning queen send her half sister Tanis to find the legendary mercenary Talon (from The Sword and the Sorcerer). Talon also happen to be Tanis' father. So Tanis must find her father and his Silly Sword (it's back) before next full moon when the Vampire Sorceress will be able to Destroy the World. Tanis run into Kevin Sorbo! (but not even he can save this film) who is Talon's son and then they run into another sister, and then another and her daughter (even though they appear to be the same age). Then they go to the village where Talon is supposed to be, and we do see some Talon and the silly sword action in the end (even though he is masked, so it probably isn't Lee Horsley who play him, because then they'd show his face). And that's it. It ends abruptly there.

Ok, there's the totally unnecessary B-story about that servant girl who became a vampire and went hunting for Tanis. Totally not needed, didn't add anything, except a useless secondary villain that stole the plot. And the worst part is they could have made it better. They had obviously shot more scenes, there is a teaser at the end. So why the hell did they release a HALF MOVIE! They should have cut the servant girl subplot altogether and focused on getting a finished product released. This half baked piece of shit is not worth the "sequel to the Sword and the Sorcerer" title. Not that the original movie is that great, but it deserved better than this. Kevin Sorbo (and a random monkey we see for a second or so) are the best things about this movie, and we certainly deserved more Sorbo than we got. I guess they hoped to make some kind of series of movies, or perhaps make this a pilot (had that feel now and then), but something this poorly done, will not produce a public that want more. And the division of the story in chapters or as they called it "tales" just destroyed the flow (not that the flow in this movie was good anyway). THIS SUCKED. Sucked hard. Not even Sorbo could save it.

Addendum: Worst CGI ever. Sucked hard. The kind you can only get if you don't pay your artist (which is likely in this scenario). Shitty CGI city, shitty cgi boat, and the worst shitty cgi blood ever. The good thing with pink CGI blood is that your sword don't get bloody when you hack vampires to pieces with it.

B- Movie Review: The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Today we are taking another look at the 80's Sword and Sorcery craze, and what's a better movie to do that with than the movie that actually have both sword and sorcerer in the title?

During the opening credits you might want to try to listen what the sailor is screaming about. You never see him, but surely he's hiding somewhere behind the opening screen, since you sure hear him. And we have a Useless Narrator narrating obvious, useless stuff! Oh, how I have missed thee! So the story begins with an asshole forcing an ugly witch to resurrect an smelly mofo from the grave through some black magic mojo jojo, and the smelly mofo turn out to be a undead snake sorcerer (like resurrecting an undead snake sorcerer has ever been a good idea).  The asshole who woke him up turns out to be Titus Cromwell, king of Eruworm, and he want the sorcerer's help to conquer the richest kingdom in the world, he claims he has lost several battles against King Richard's army, so he need black magic assistance (and these things always end well, right?).

Then we see Eidan, the richest kingdom in the World celebrating 20 years of peace. Not that it makes any sense whatsoever, since Cromwell claimed having lost several battles to King Richard so clearly they have not enjoyed 20 years of peace. Anyways, we learn that Cromwell has attacked and beaten King Richard's armies. Then Cromwell betrays the Undead Snake Sorcerer (I think he's called Schuss or Schwuss or something). And of course the only more brilliant thing to do besides waking up an Undead Snake Sorecerer, is betraying one. Well, Cromwell kills King Richard, but his family tries to flee, not that it matters, Cromwell easily have the queen and prince Henry killed too, and princess Elizabeth captured. Prince Talon manage to escape though, and he has the Silly Sword! Seriously it's a really stupid thing, it's supposed to be some kind of mix between a sword and a projectile weapon. It's dumb, look shitty and wouldn't really work at all in reality. Anyways, Talon (played by Lee Horsey) escapes, and 11 years later he returns to Eidan, now as a leader of a mercenary band.

Meanwhile in a stinking cave the Sorceror is also planning his revenge, and in Eidan Lord Micah and his sister Allana (the son and daughter of King Richard's main advisor) are raising a rebellion against Cromwell. So things are about to get tense. But Micah and Allana are betrayed, and Micah is captured, and Allana saved by Talon from a rape. Then Talon promises to free Micah in exchange for a good shag. And thus the adventure begins!!

It's a fun movie, and surprisingly good. The actors are not that good, but it's neither terrible nor boring acting. The stock footage used for Eidan is a little bit distracting, since it's obviously ripped from a Bible movie. It looks like movie Jerusalem! Cromwell is a great villain, and Talon is amusing as the kind of easygoing, more selfish and careless kind of hero. And, OMG, this movie has dangerous KILLER RATS!! Of course in the end Cromwell and the Sorcerer are both defeated, and Talon gets his shag, but it was an entertaining ride to get there. Micah become king, and Talon and his Merry Band rides of on new adventures. Then they promise Talon will be back in Tales of an Ancient Empire. Which of course was a sequel never made....or wait, it actually was made, in 2010! Wow, this could be interesting. Sequel made 28 Years Later!! Ok, has to check it out!

B- Movie Review: The Invincible Barabrian (1982)

 Ha, this movie has an alternate title called Gunan, the Barbarian, but there's no Gunan in it. It's also a spaghetti movie, which means it's actually made in the Spaghetti Republic, and the actors are spaghetti people who speak spaghetti. The movie is of course dubbed to English, and the actors and actresses get American pseudonyms, so it looks Hollywood although it ain't. So what's this about?
Well, first of all the Title Credit will hurt your brain because of it's bright red text. If your brain is already hurt a few seconds in it's certainly a good sign. However there's that stupid boring narrator millennium that, illumination this, something about stars and chosen ones. Just boring, he should shut up. But then.... holy stock footage Jesus!! Dinosaurs, and everyone knows dinosaurs are the best ninjas!! Of course the dinosaurs have no importance to the plot, and we won't see them again, so it was kind of pointless.

Anyways, the movie begin with a woman giving birth, while her husband The Stupid One would rather be in the pub getting drunk. But then the slowest raiders ever attack the village just as the children are born, yes it's twins. The Stupid One quickly gives them to a old crone who escapes while the Slow Raiders attack. The Slow Raiders are lead by a fat man called Evil Fatto. And of course Evil Fatto kills The Stupid One and his wife.

The old hag collapses and the twins are found by friggin Amazons. Then they're raised in the Amazon village. The Amazons don't age because they know how to make shields, or something like that. Doesn't really make any sense, but they can make shields, and they don't age, and it's also revealed they can't have children. The twins grow up, one has dark hair, and thus he must be evil, while the other is kind of a jerk. There's also something about the natural order being upset because there were twins born, so there is no clarity in who's the Chosen One (apparently there was some kind of prophecy), and thus nature is angry because somehow this is man's fault. Anyways the twins must battle it out so the Amazon witch get to know who's really the Chosen One. The Amazon witch is awesome because she can transform herself into a lion, and she has a snake as pet. The Jerk obviously defeat the Evil Dark Hair, but Dark Hair steals some kind of amulet that belongs to the Chosen One and escapes and goes to find Evil Fatto himself. Dark Hair is then quickly killed off, and Jerk has to seek revenge not only for the murder of his mother but also his father. So it becomes a revenge quest. He also find the love interest Blonde Boobies, and yes, you get to see her boobs. He is able to seduce her just by turning up, which probably is proof enough he's a REAL MAN, because real men don't need to win their women, they throw themselves at them. And this makes the Amazon Witch jealous, and with the power of clichés she betrays Jerk and Blonde Boobies. It's also revealed that Jerk's and Dark Hair's real father is Evil Fatto, who tried to stop the prophecy by attacking their village and killing their mother. Of course the good guys win, and Evil Fatto lose in the end.

This movie was boring, predictable and plain bad. Not even the terribad acting was amusing enough. There's one good reason to watch it though. The boobs!

B- Movie Review: Tarkan vs. the Vikings 1971

This time I review a Turkish movie from the 70s, because why not. Not that I have ever been in Turkey, can speak a word Turkish or even know shit about Turkish culture. That doesn't mean I can't make fun of it. Ha!

Tarkan vs. the Vikings begin when we see a ship full of BDSM Vikings that are into whipping naked men. The Vikings travel in longboats made by IKEA, and they look more like Asterix characters than vikings. There are so many colors involved that I swear their clothes and their weapons are made of candy. So the vikings lead by Toro, who's probably a Spanish Viking or something, attack the castle of the Hunns. In the castle there are also the princess and her boyfriend the one-man-army Tarkan, and his two dogs. Tarkan is a hero because he HAS AN AWESOME MUSTACHE!!  Mustache can really tell you the character of a man. REAL MEN HAS AWESOME MUSTACHES! Anyway, the vikings attack and not even Tarkan can stop them from killing one of his dogs (although it was clear that the dog was still alive, so it didn't really convince me at all. Bad acting dog!!) and kidnap his princess girlfriend. And indeed, real vikings hit small children in the head with a plastic axe!!

However the plot gets complicated when it's revealed that the vikings work together with a beautiful femme fatale Chinese ambassador (who doesn't reaaly look Chinese, but whatever), who has her own agenda. Then there's also a giant octopus monster (that look quite ridiculous, but hey it's a Turkish film from the 70s) and a beautiful viking warrior princess who command her own ship of viking bitches. The villain, Toro has a great villain laugh and we get treated to such nice things as drunken viking rape parties. Tarkan is of course a lucky bastard and get to cheat on his girlfriend both with the Chinese agent and with the viking princess, and she doesn't even really care. That's how a true girlfriend should behave. One thing is stupid though, when they torture some women prisoners to find out which of them is the princess, she finally reveal herself because she couldn't stand the torture of her kinswomen any longer. Then they asked for proof that she was who she claimed to be, and she showed them her ring that had the royal symbol. Couldn't they have checked her ring in the first place? Stupid vikings!

The battles are nice, but it's a pity there are no blood in them. Turkey, I am disappointed!!

All in all, it was a fun mindless action movie, and I wonder if there are more Tarkan movies or similar. This movie was silly, but fun, and I recommend you all watching it if you're into silly foreign language movies (yes, they speak Turkish, learn to read subtitles bitches). If I can find more Tarkan movies or other similar ones I will probably review them at some point in the future.

B- Movie review: The Archer and the Sorceress (1981)

So, Shitmas is over and the Jollyday season draws to an end. However I am back with a new review for this blog. This time I am looking at a TV-movie from 1981. It's name is The Archer and The Sorceress which mean it's about a dude with a bow. This also means the hero is a complete wanker, because everyone knows bows are coward's weapons. Anyways the movie start with a Narrator saying something like about A World That Never Was and a Time that has been or could yet be. WTF?? I don't understand a word of that, too fucking deep.

Anyway, the Narrator is boring and unfortunately narrates a lot. This movie could have worked well without him. So there are apparently a land with many warring Clans fighting each other but one man who's a king or something tries to unite them. The king is successful because he and the other Clan Chiefs get drunk, and diplomacy work berst while drunk. And then there are some Green People who wants to conquer them. They are evil because they're green. And their leader is not green, but he has a great laugh. Let's call him Evil Laughs. I like Evil Laughs because he laughs and all villains should do that. The king is played by a really bad actor (George Kennedy) who has some GLOOOORIOUS BAD ACTING MOMENTS!!!  It's a pity there aren't more scenes with the king.

The hero of the movie is the king's son who inherits a magic bow from his master. The hero is falsely accused for the murder of his father and sets out to seek his father's teacher named Lazalala or something. Then there is this Sorceress who has a blood feud with the hero's family, but decides to not kill the hero for none apparent reason. She still wants to kill Lazalala because she thinks he manipulated the hero's grandfather to kill her mother. (Yes it's quite confusing indeed). There is also a dude in a monster costume, but he gets killed of early. Then there are the comic reliefs, the Gambler and the Pigbearman. They are not funny, and unfortunately it's the Gambler who joins the hero on his quest and not the Pigbearman. The Pigbearman was indeed more interesting. They also meet a Mayor in a city they visit. He's great because he's overacting every line, and seems to have fun with it.

Since this is a tv-movie it's cheap like shit. It also seems to have too much plot for a short movie. Some subplots get disappointing resolutions, while others aren't resolved at all. When the movie end they still haven't found Lazalala and we don't know whether Evil Laughs survived or not. They were probably either hoping to make sequels or to use the movie to launch a TV-series. Thus the main plot remains unresolved. The bad acting isn't awesome enough, and the script seems mostly confusing. This one is not that great. It's not horrible, but neither is it really worth a watch.

Double Feature Review: This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX vs. Gonad the Barbarian and the Search fo Uranus

This duel is what all people have been waiting for for generations. An epic battle between two different Conan the Barbarian porn spoofs!!! We start with a quite recent Hustler porn spoof and then we take a look at a older Japanese animated one.

So This Ain't Conan the Barbarian is a 2011 Hustler porn spoof based on the original Conan the Barbarian movie (the one with Ahhnold). It pretty much goes through the sexy scenes of the original movie, but remakes them into hardcore porn. It begins with the scene with the slave girl, who is the sexiest girl in this movie, but unfortunately she just have a masturbation scene because Conan is dumb as an oaf it seems, because he doesn't bone her, even though she's practically begging for it. What's wrong with him? The guard wonder if he is blind or deaf, and so does the audience. Of course next Conan meet the witch, and fuck her good. Conan grunt like a Real Barbarian when he does the wenches, and fuck them so hard the whole screen shakes.  I'm really happy about these details, things like that makes me happy. The witch face was cool too, I mean it could have been worse. After the hard fucking and the scary witch face, the witch turns to fire and leaves for no particular reason. Conan meet mr. Sidekick outside, and he has his first line. And he does an awesome Schwarzenegger impression. I would have been really angry if they didn't. Conan isn't Conan without a retarded Austrian accent. The next scene is mr. Sidekick fucking a random wench they meet on the road, and then Conan and the Sidekick meet Valeria. Then we get to see some amazingly bad special effects when we see the snake, and shortly afterwards a scene where the sidekick falls from the roof. This is followed by some more hillarity when Conan get himself drunk in a tavern and fall asleep with his face in a bowl full of soup. THAT'S HOW A REAL MAN DOES IT!!! Even better next Conan, Sidekick and Valeria meet the king. The king is awesome. It seems he's gay, because he comment on Conan's balls, but he's probably bi, because he flirt with Valeria too. Anyways, the king is racist, and is angry because his daughter have ran away with a black guy. This king is great. So next is the Conan fucking Valeria scene, which is the best scene in the movie, as it should be. Then they meet fake Mako, who neither looks nor sounds like Mako. BOOO!!! I want a REAL fake Mako!!! And why doesn't fake Mako get to fuck anyone??? BOOOO!!! Next is Thulsa Doom fucking the Princess. There is a snake transformation, that actually is okay, but no orgy scene?? They must not have afforded enough actors for one.... but still, there ought to be an orgy scene in Thulsa's hideout. I liked the fact that since Thulsa is a snake wizard, he is good with the tongue though. The scene end with Conan, Valeria and Sidekick storming in and Valeria getting killed. Which is unnecessary, since she reappear as a ghost just a few minutes later. Why bother killing her, she could have delivered the same lines anyways. But I really like this version of Thulsa Doom. Everytime the Princess tries to say something he just goes: SHUT UP BITCH!! Now that's how YOU TALK TO A WOMAN!! Thulsa, you're a real man. And his speech is almost as good as the one in the real Conan movie. You can really see Conan getting confused by it. So did I like this move?? Yes, I liked it alot actually. I would have done a few things differently, but it worked well. And the porn was good too, it gave me a boner.

So Gonad the Barbarian and the Search for Uranus has nothing to do with Conan the Barbarian. Is a 30 minute short, and it's old, but I have no info from which year it is. The story is that the evil Gonad the Barbarian and his army of Sexbots are conquering the Universe. That's enough to get me hooked. Gonad's evil scheme consist of kidnapping, raping and torturing virgins from all over the galaxy. Where do I sign up to enlist in that army?? Frigging awesome!! But he's to be stopped by the American Secret Service (ASS) consisting of the agents Pussy Lamore (you gotta love the references), Doctor Jerkoff (lol) and Princess Layme and her boyfriend Dick (although he is not manly enough to be called Dick. He should be the one who's called Pussy). The best thing about this one are the lines. They are all hillarious. Like when Princess Layme first decline to rejoin ASS and says following classic: "No more fucking ASS for me". I love it. Her weapon is a Dildo Lightsaber by the way. Fuck Yeah!! Unfortunately Gonad doesn't look like Conan at all, and that's a little weird. The animation is horrible, and the sex scenes are bad, and there's unfortunately too little sex in it to really shine as a porn spoof. But the lines are hilarious and the movie is worth a watch just because of them. But yeah, This Ain't Conan the Barbarian is waaay much better than Gonad.

So that was the Conan porn spoofs. I might do more of these at some point, but next I'll probably review a B-movie again.

B- Movie Review: The Adventures of Hercules (1985)

The Adventures of Hercules is one of the many Italian movies that were dubbed to English for an international release. The movie stars Lou Ferrigno, and it's only fitting to review a Ferrigno movie after a Reb Brown film. Ferrigno is cast because he has muscles. That's all. He can't act, but he has muscles and thus he look like Hercules. The movie opens in space during the opening credits. A little bit confusing to see so much of space in a Hercules movie, but there will be much of it through the entire movie. This movie is actually a sequel to another film called Hercules (thus this movie is also called Hercules II), and I will try to find it and review it at some point in the future. During the opening credits you see a montage of Hercules fighting a bunch of robots, either cleaning the Augean stables or cause a genocide (unclear of which), growing to giant size due to a blinking device and finally fighting a Jedi King called Minos. I guess it's a recap of the first movie.

So the movie begins by a couple of duded dragging a woman in chains. At least they know how to treat a woman.. So the woman is sacrificed to a lighting gorilla, by a evil gay priest. This is bad news and two other women decide to do something about it. They ask the "little people", who are some kind of shining thing for advice. Not that they'd need to, it was obvious that what they needed is a MAN. Because women can't do anything without a MAN. A good thing is that the women wear quite skimpy clothes, so at least you have that, because there is loads of long boring dialog in this movie. So the story is that 4 Gods have rebelled against Zeus (Hera, Flora, Aphrodite and Poseidon). They have stolen Zeus' thunderbolts, so now the Moon will crush with the Earth for some reason. Of course that means Zeus have to send Hercules to Earth. Hercules is for some reason just hanging out naked in space. Except it seems he doesn't have a dick. How on Earth can Hercules bone women without a dick?? Boning women is after all part of his job description. Not that he do any of that in this movie, despite being around several beauties. Perhaps he really lost his dick. Hercules back story is also conflicting. In the beginning it's told he's son of the Goddess who created everything, but later he is referred as the son of Zeus, which is more in line with Greek mythology. Also at one point Hercules is referred to as Achilles, and I'm quite certain they were two different persons.

So the story is about Hercules and those two women running around looking for the lighting bolts of Zeus. Then for some reason the rebel Gods resurrect the Jedi King Minos, who then becomes the main villain. Hercules defeat several enemies, including a really hairy dude, a Medusa and Slime People!!! (lol)
Meanwhile King Minos get himself a new magic lightsaber from his ally Daedalus who apparently is the same person as the God Chaos, and is also a woman (none of this is in the Greek mythology I remember). They conspire to use SCIENCE!!!! to take over the world, but that just prove how stupid they are, since they are obviously using magic and not SCIENCE!!!. Anyways, the special effects in this movie are laughable, but on the other hand I didn't expect anything else from a cheap Italian movie from the 80's. And even if it looks bad, the King Kong vs. Godzilla light show still is awesome. And the music is epic. I think the music very well is the best thing in this movie. Because this movie is boring. A lot of bad dialog, that isn't so bad it's awesome, just a borefest. And the fights aren't that impressive. I think if any movie franchise would need a remake it would be Hercules. I mean this movie is boring and the Schwarzenegger flick is just terrible. Why not reboot Hercules with a big Hollywood budget, a muscle man with no acting talent, some ladies with big boobs and skimpy outfits, and some CGI monsters. You'd have a nice summer blockbuster right there that'd still be better than the Clash of the Titans remake. And bring back the Slime People!!!