Tarkan vs. the Vikings begin when we see a ship full of BDSM Vikings that are into whipping naked men. The Vikings travel in longboats made by IKEA, and they look more like Asterix characters than vikings. There are so many colors involved that I swear their clothes and their weapons are made of candy. So the vikings lead by Toro, who's probably a Spanish Viking or something, attack the castle of the Hunns. In the castle there are also the princess and her boyfriend the one-man-army Tarkan, and his two dogs. Tarkan is a hero because he HAS AN AWESOME MUSTACHE!! Mustache can really tell you the character of a man. REAL MEN HAS AWESOME MUSTACHES! Anyway, the vikings attack and not even Tarkan can stop them from killing one of his dogs (although it was clear that the dog was still alive, so it didn't really convince me at all. Bad acting dog!!) and kidnap his princess girlfriend. And indeed, real vikings hit small children in the head with a plastic axe!!
However the plot gets complicated when it's revealed that the vikings work together with a beautiful femme fatale Chinese ambassador (who doesn't reaaly look Chinese, but whatever), who has her own agenda. Then there's also a giant octopus monster (that look quite ridiculous, but hey it's a Turkish film from the 70s) and a beautiful viking warrior princess who command her own ship of viking bitches. The villain, Toro has a great villain laugh and we get treated to such nice things as drunken viking rape parties. Tarkan is of course a lucky bastard and get to cheat on his girlfriend both with the Chinese agent and with the viking princess, and she doesn't even really care. That's how a true girlfriend should behave. One thing is stupid though, when they torture some women prisoners to find out which of them is the princess, she finally reveal herself because she couldn't stand the torture of her kinswomen any longer. Then they asked for proof that she was who she claimed to be, and she showed them her ring that had the royal symbol. Couldn't they have checked her ring in the first place? Stupid vikings!
The battles are nice, but it's a pity there are no blood in them. Turkey, I am disappointed!!
All in all, it was a fun mindless action movie, and I wonder if there are more Tarkan movies or similar. This movie was silly, but fun, and I recommend you all watching it if you're into silly foreign language movies (yes, they speak Turkish, learn to read subtitles bitches). If I can find more Tarkan movies or other similar ones I will probably review them at some point in the future.
dude, all these movies were cut, cause they were too brutal, turkish tv is since few years also in that censoring shit, so they cut all the older brutal movies, all the uploads in the net are CUT, for example tarkan ve altin madalyon (Tarkan and the golden medalyon) u only find in the net the 68min version(u really dont think that the movie is so short, do u?) no one uploads the real full movie cause they would get problems then, look wikipedia they write there also that the movies had to be cut massively for the new standarts in tv, means every part but the golden medalyon movie was cut most,,, im turkish i know that believe me, cause of new standards they dont say bad things anymore in tv, they cut that also out, u hear nothing or a beep......SHIT
ReplyDeleteI'm still enjoying them for being cheap and fun cheesy action movies. Unfortunately this is the only one of them I really understood the plot of, since it has English subtitles. For the others I have just guessed what's going on.
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