Back from the Cinema: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Okay, dragons are cool. Cool. Like super cool. Except they are hot, because of fire. Cool was a bad choice of words.

First, let's discuss the first Hobbit movie a bit. I liked it, but it had problems. It had problems with tone, it could shift from being a very serious movie to a very childish one and vice versa, which made you unsure of what kind of movie you were watching. This movie has less problems, some childish things do exist, but they are brief and don't change the tone of the whole movie. In a way the second part is in many ways more coherent.

I liked this movie. And thus I will start to list things I thought good:
1) Evangeline Lilly as Tauriel. She is great in her role as a female warrior elf. She carries the role well, and make her character seem less "inserted in the story (not from the source materials) and gives the movie a necessary female touch in a affair that otherwise would be a sausage fest (as the book is).
2) The special effects. Marvellous. And the first time I saw any practical use of 3-D with that darn bee, it only lasted a second though and then 3-D was as useless as ever.
3) Freeman and the Dwarves becoming more comfortable in their roles. Many things seemed more natural than in the First Hobbit Movie. They were never bad in the first one, but they felt like they now really had found their inner dwarves. This made it more easier to relate to the characters.
4) Smaug: the dragon was friggin awesome! It looked great and menacing. The design, how it breathed fire and the whole scenes with it fighting. And of course it's voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch!! And it's great.

Okay, now for the stuff that wasn't that good. This movie is not perfect. There are certainly things to critisize.
1) Gandalf's quest. It wasn't interesting. Gandalf vs. Sauron sounds awesome, but really, all the time we shifted to Gandalf's side adventure I just wanted it to end and go back to the main quest with Freeman and the Dwarves. It wasn't good.
2) Legolas. Orlando Bloom was not showing his a game. Unlike Tauriel his role felt force, probably because Bloom wasn't giving his all to make it work. Legolas felt boring and lifeless.
3) Smaug not dead yet: it really felt that this movie was not complete. Smaug was still alive and the battle still in the middle when the movie ended. I really felt this was bad. They built up this climatic battle, and while we got parts of it, we didn't get the finish. You can't end it in the middle like this!! Damnit, I won't remember everything they built up during the battle next year when we see the conclusion. A bad move.

I still liked the movie alot. Especially the Dragon Cumberbatch! More movies need Dragon Cumberbatch! But all in all, I feel now more and more that the Lords of the Rings movie were way better. Last year I still couldn't make up my mind and decided I needed to see more Hobbit to decide which series is better. Now I'm sure, LotR is much better than the Hobbit. Probably because in LotR we have three movies based on three long books. In the Hobbit we have three movies based on one relatively short book. It's still a fun watch though. I look forward to the third Hobbit movie.

DC go home

DC, you're drunk, go home.

B-Movie Review: Shatter (1974)

It's Hammer Time! And it's Kung Fu Assassin Secret Agent thingy Time!! Hooray!!

So we start the movie with the President of Africa going to a fancy hotel. I call bullshit on this. Africans are poor people, not even their President would afford a fancy room. Anyway, the President of Africa is about to get it on with his rich blonde girlfriend when some dude with a CAMERA GUN shoot him. CAMERA GUN. Great! I have no idea why he didn't just use a normal gun, but I already like it.

Next stop Hong Kong, we meet Shatter, the man who assassinated the President of Africa who is the main hero of this movie. He's played by Stuart Whitman. His acting is hillarious. He overact everything. It's great. We also soon realize that since the movie is set in Hong Kong most of the other roles will be played by Chinese people. This mean this movie is RACIST!!!

Unfortunately we are also introduced to the opening music. It's terrible. Please kill me now. It's like someone is actually shattering glass. Please just stop! Anyway it's followed by that music that's in every secret agent or police movie from the 70s. Thank You. So Shatter sits in a taxi, someone tries to shoot him from the next car, they misses and shoot straight through the car (the windows are shattered, OMFG SYMBOLISM!!!!!) But the best thing is that it hit some dude in the arm on the other side of the car, and that dude is just, "whatever, I was shot in the arm, happens every day". Awesome.

So Shatter goes to meet Le Snob, the man who hired him to shoot the President of Africa. Ooh, that's why he used a CAMERA GUN, so he could have photographic proof that he is the killer. Smart. Though he could of course just have used a normal gun and a normal camera. And of course Le Snob betrays him and refuse to pay him a dime. Typical.

So Shatter next meet up with his CIA contact that confirms he's alone, since the Agency doesn't want anything to do with him anymore. He's then taken by some Kung Fu dudes who uses him as a punching bag for a while until we meet Peter Cushing!!! Cushing, Cushing, Cushing, Cushing!! Yaaayy! Anyway Cushing plays a member of the Hong Kong Security Force named Ratwood (very original there, movie). And Cushing is like: "Leave Hong Kong before tomorrow or you're dead and shit". Anyway, a dude help Shatter into a bar/ massage parlor, where he meet a masseuse named Mei Lin who of course are our female protagonist. She gives him a massage, he feels better and goes to his hotel. Earlier in the movie he did a room switcheroo with another guy. And now that pays of because well, it'd suck to be that other guy. So, now Shatter knows he's a marked man and he retun to the bar/ massage parlor. He ask the bartender who's the guy who helped him before to hide him and offer him $100. So he is hidden in a nice appartment in the slums. He also meet Mei Lin again. It's revealed the bartender is actually a Kung Fu master. So he teams up with the Kung Fu guy, get the girl etc. There's a good scene when he dreams about the people he has killed and all the people who were hurt or were killed because of him, and is very haunted by this dream when he wakes up. It looks for a moment he regret what he has done, but only for a moment. I'm glad they included it, it gave Shatter some more character.

Anyway, Shatter and his Kung Fu partner kill Le Snob, the brother of the President of Africa and some bad Kung Fu dudes, who all belonged to a Evil Crime Syndicate. They meet Cushing again who of course is corrupt (his name is Ratwood in this movie, it's impossible for him to not be corrupt with such a name). And the girl is killed, which usually happen in these kind of movies. All in all a solid cheap film. Not the best quality but did the job. A cheesy male lead whose acting is hillariously bad, some nice Kung Fu and Cushing. You can't really ask for more.

Back from the Cinema: Thor the Dark World

Our favorite Norse God is back for some more Hammer Time! And it's good. In the same way the first Thor movie was good. It's an okay movie. It has problems, but it is entertaining. Some of the problems are the same one the first movie had. Thor is the least interesting character in the cast, Nat Portman's character is kind of bland etc. The strengths are very much the same strengths as the first movie too. Anthony Hopkin's portaryal of Odin, Tom Hiddleston's Loki, Stellan Skarsgård, Thor's three sidekicks and that warrior chick that probably would be a better love interest for Thor than Portman.

The main bad guy in the movie is played by the 9th Doctor Christopher Ecclestone. And he's not very interesting. More of a typical bad guy that want to destroy the World for some ancient bullshit reason, and has the personality of a cucumber. He work well as a plot device, but badly as a character. The real interesting villain is of course again Loki, that pretty much steal the show from all the other characters. Nat Portman is also more of a plot device in the movie. She get some dar maguffin inside her and need to be protected from the evil 9th Doctor that need the maguffin to destroy the world. Typical damsel in distress storyline. But the action scenes are great and satifying. The battles are intense, and that's really what you need from an action flick about a dude with a hammer. Other things that work well is Skarsgård as the comic relief, although pantless Skarsgård became a little bit too much at times. They kind of overdid that one.

I'd liked to see more of Thor's sidekicks as well as of that Warrior Chick, they felt underused in this movie. If they do Thor 3 I hope to see more of them. I also hope they next time have a bad guy that's more interesting than the 9th Doctor was in this one. Loki is good and all, but I like all my villains to have personality and character. And give Thor some character too. He is the main hero, and still the least interesting of the whole cast. But the movie was good. Not great, but definitely worth a watch. Basically if you liked the 1st Thor movie you'll like this one too.

Back from the Cinema: World War Z

What can I say? It's not terrible. It's an okay action flick with a high tempo. But I am tired of Zombies. Can't the Zombie films just die? Except Zombieland, that movie need a sequel.

This movie is really two different movies in one. First we have Brad Pitt and his family trying to survive, and it's a typical Zombie survival film. Nothing out of the ordinary here, but they manage to make it intense and exciting. The chaos when the outbreak begun has only been this well portrayed in the video game The Last of Us before this movie. But suddenly we have another movie. Brad Pitt gets his family to safety and goes on a quest to find a way to save the world and stop the outbreak. I would have been fine if the whole movie was just Brad Pitt trying to save his family, and I would have been equally fine with it if the whole movie was about Brad Pitt trying to save the World. But what was the point about the first part of the movie with him and his family trying to survive later, when this storyline was dropped for Brad's quest around the World to find the cure? None, it felt like nothing had been achieved.

Brad Pitt isn't spectacular in any way in this. It's clearly visible he only treated this movie as a paycheck and didn't give his all. I don't really blame him for that. The story is okay, but you have to just go with a few weird things, like the fact that zombies don't want to bite people with diseases (why not, a zombie wouldn't care) and that it only takes 12 seconds to turn into a zombie after bitten (why aren't all humans dead), or that Israel has built a huge ass wall to keep the Zombies out (it was so for the Zombies, am I right?).

The 3-D was more unnecessary than ever before. It didn't give anything, and certainly didn't factor into the movie. Wasn't it for those dumb glasses it felt like a 2-D movie to me. If people aren't going to do stuff with the 3-D, have it actually play a role in the movie, why the fuck is it used at all? Why are we paying extra for it? Either 3-D should actually be a part of the experience, or this shit need to die.

The movie isn't bad. It might be worth a watch if you still care about Zombies (I don't). But it's certainly not above a meh.

Worst Decision Ever

Ben Affleck as Batman? Fuck You!! So the Dark Knight will be played by a man without even an ounce of talent. Not that Christian Bale was that good. He had no idea what acting was. But Ben Affleck?? Hell No!!

B- Movie Review: Stormquest (1987)

This is an obscure movie, very hard to find. There are not much about it at all on the Internets. There is a reason for that. It's not a very good movie.

The movie actually begin with a scream. Is this good or bad? Then there are disjointed pictures to a sweet 80s tune? Is this good or bad? I'm so confused. I don't understand.

Well, after the confusing opening we start in the female dominated Kingdom of Kimbia where some guards are sent to the dungeon to fetch three prisoners. Wait a minute, Kingdom of Kimbia, and female dominated? Doesn't make any sense at all. Shouldn't it be a Queendom, not a Kingdom? Anyway, three women stand on trial, a guard who has stolen some gold from the treasury, a warrior woman who's accused of having a male lover and a priestess who's accused of setting their god free (the god is a lioness). Now you may wonder, if it is forbidden to have male lover how do they procreate? Well, they explain this. They mate with males from elsewhere during ceremonies, and they send their male offspring back to their fathers. I guess it makes some sense, as much sense as a one gendered society can make. And there's some sexy whipping of the female criminals. If I were a judge I would always order 20 lashes to all sex female prisoners.

Meanwhile in some other King/Queendom, whatever, a bunch of shirtless duded liberate loads of male prisoners. This country is apparently ruled by the Stormqueen. Meanwhile the three prisoners as well as the Warrior girl's male lover are to be executed by being thrown down a waterfall. However the Shirtless dudes intervene and there is a battle. The Warrior girl's lover dies but the three prisoners and the Warrior girl's sister all join with the Shirtless dudes, who apparently are rebels rebelling against the Stormqueen. We  also get to meet the Stormqueen who's a fat transvestite whose main hobby is to torture her male slaves. She also has a charming menagerie full of poisonous snakes and tarantulas.

We learn that the Storm Queen drug the food given to the male slaves in her kingdom, so drones (workers) can't think at all, while studa (slaves for mating) only think of themselves. The Stormqueen also enjoys the sport of death hunts, where male prisoners have to escape from mad, hungry male slaves who are trained to kill. All in all he/ she is a charming character. Meanwhile the mother of the two sisters is arrested home in Kimbia, and the guard prisoner betrays the others.

The battles in this movie a confusing, chaotic and badly lit. You don't see what's happening in them, which is really bad. The movie feels boring and dragging. Scenes drag on much longer than they should. This movie could have been, and should have been 30 minutes shorter. Now it's almost 2 hours long, and doesn't have 2 hours of content. I like the scene where the rebel leader is caught by the Stormqueen and taken to his/her harem. He just laugh at her straight in the face. And she gets furious. Prizeless. The whole climax is apparently the revelation that the Storm Queen is actually a dude. I call bullshit, everyone knew that. Why would anyone buy that it's a woman in the first place? Also there is crocodile wrestling, that looks fake, because they shoot it again so you don't see what's going on, probably because their crocodile would look more fake than the Storm Queen's gender. Also the ending has more drag than the Storm Queen herself. Okay, I stop the bad puns now. The acting wasn't good, but I hadn't expected better. Unfortunately no brilliant bad acting moments, just quite boring stuff.

I can't recommend this one. It's just not that good.

Waiting for Europa Universalis IV

Have pre-ordered....
Will be released today....
Can't wait.....
What nation to try first?

Back from the Cinema: Man of Steel

Is it a bird? Is it an airplane? No, it's a Superman movie!!

And it's honestly okay. Quite good actually, but there were things that I think didn't really work out. The whole opening on Krypton was too long. It took ages for things to start happening in the movie, and the long Krypron scene did not make things better. It also created a weird situation with the exposition scene when Clark Kent had to learn things the audience already knew. Couldn't we instead have seen some scenes form Krypton there instead of that overly long opening. Now we for example never saw the ship with little Kal-El crash on Earth, and we never saw Jonathan and Martha find it. I had wished that's how the film opened, even though this has been done 100 times before and is a Superman cliché. But some clichés are good, dammit.

Another thing the film failed to really go into, although it touched it somewhat, is "what is Superman?" Where does Superman's responsibilities begin, and where do they end. What does it mean to be Superman? But hey, they might go into that in a sequel. The strongest performance in the movie was Diane Lane's Martha Kent. She stole every scene she was in. Kevin Costner's Jonathan Kent was disappointing, but I feel it's because he had such few scenes. I do hope they do more flashbacks with him in future Superman movies, since Clark's childhood still need to be more fleshed out, and so does the character of Jonathan Kent. I hope we don't see more of Russel Crowe's Jor- El though. He was just boring.

The action scenes were good, and I had no problems with the plot. Zod is a great villain, even though he is a little dumb, but it's Zod, he's not supposed to be that smart. That's Luthor's thing. And unfortunately we saw no signs of Lex, except an actual LexCorp sign. I guess that's another character for a sequel. I liked Laurence Fishburne's Perry White too. There was some stupid dialogue in this film too, but most of the stupid came from Zod, so I guess it's okay.

It's a good Superman film. It has some problems, it certainly can't beat Ironman, Thor or the Avengers, but it's definitely better than Ironman 2 or 3. Let's hope for a Man of Tomorrow movie next.

Addendum: One thing though, I feel Superman wouldn't have killed of all hope for his race just like that. I think he would have got up with a plan that saved both Earth but gave hope for the Kryptonian race to somewhat in some capacity survive. Superman's genocide of the genetic material of his race seemed un-Supermanny to me.

B- Movie Review: Sorceress (1982)

The movie start with some riders in the dark chasing some people and killing them, and we see a woman trying to flee with her young child. The leader of the Riders is called Trogon and he hunt down the woman and kill her, because she was his lover, but she fled when she became pregnant. Trogon has promised to sacrifice his firstborn to his God. But soon he realizes that the woman gave birth to twin girls, and he don't know which of them is the firstborn. Then suddenly Oldman McSensei, Trogon's old teacher, appear and kills Trogon. But it turns out that Trogon is a Sorcerer, and thus apparently has three lives, so he will be back. Oldman McSensei decide the girls has to be raised as warriors so they can revenge their mother's death.

20 years later Trogon comes back to life and orders his followers to find the twins. Meanwhile the twins are bathing in a lake, but are harassed by a horny Moronic Satyr. They chase the moronic Satyr away. When they return to their village though they see Trogon's men all around the place killing and raping. This seems to always happen to these villages in these movies. So the twins, dressed up as boys to conceal their identity (not that it would fool anyone considering they have boobs) attack the soldiers and kill them. Then they are joined by the Moronic Satyr, a Viking Dude and Oldman McSensei. Oldman McSensei gives them his last powers and tell them about their mother and how she was killed, then he dies.

So they all go to a Middle Eastern looking town to find Viking Dude's friend. It turn out he's a young handsome Barbarian Dude, who likes womanizing, gambling, and especially cheating on dice. There is some fighting and then they go to Barbarian Dude's place.

Ahahahahahahaha! This is so friggin dumb. The twins have no idea they are girls, because the morons who raised them never told them. They don't even know there is a difference between boys and girls. This is idiotic. So juicy, deliciously dumb. Anyway, the Twins are left alone for a couple of seconds, but that enough for them to be tricked by a suspicious woman to follow her right into a trap, and they're caught. Trogon's girlfriend arrive to conduct some tests to determine which one of them is the firstborn, but the real question is why she has a dude in a Monkey Suit with her. Anyway, apparently the firstborn would be immune to fire, so they test it, and the first twin they test it on is immune. But meanwhile Viking Dude and Barbarian Dude beat up some soldier, steal their horses, and charge right in and save the twins. Even the moronic Satyr kick some ass.

They flee into the forrest, but the Monkey Suit Man and his friends (more Monkey Suit men) attack them, and Barbarian Dude and one of the Twins (the older one I think) are captured and they are taken to Trogon. Trogon reveal to the twin (I think she is called Mara) that he is her father, but no Luke Skywalker moment here. Mara says that if this is true they have to treat Barbarian Dude well. Trogon promise he will be well taken care off, but minutes later he order Barbarian dude to be executed for cheating in dice (apparently gambling is taken very seriously). However Trogon's girlfriend find a medallion that reveal Barbarian Dude is of royal blood and they decide to keep him alive for now. Of course Trogon's girlfriend try to seduce Barbarian Dude, she tell him that she want a real man and want to depose Trogon, but that the sacrifice need to go through and that the Gods will be pleased if Mara carries the seed of Royalty when she's sacrificed. So Barbarian Dude makes love to Mara. Meanwhile the younger twin sense their lovemaking through her psychic link, and a hillarious scene begin, with a very confused Viking Dude not knowing what's going on.

The ending is deliciously dumb and stupid, like these movies usually are, but nothing extra. Other movies of the genre has more impressive final battles, even if they try to throw in alot of stuff. The acting in this movie is wooden, and Viking Dude is worse than worst. It's not entertainingly bad, it's just boring bad. There is still some enjoyable scenes in this movie, but others are better. It's watchable, but not good. Certainly not good.

There is also some lies in this one. It's called Sorceress, but the girls never use sorcery in this movie. So what's with the title? And Trogon had three lives, so does this mean he will come back again? This is never adressed, like they just forgot that plot point. And another downer is that the twins aren't that good looking. Which is a pity, some pretty faces could make wonders for this movie.

Special Review: The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried (1971)

And we all know what "sword" that is. A tip: it's a dick.

Yes, indeed, it's time to tackle some German (badly dubbed to English) porn spoof of the ancient legend made a classic by Wagner: The Niebelung Ring!

We start with Something Weird. At least the text says so. Well, I tell you what's weird. The music in this movie. Always miss the tone a little. We learn that slaying monsters sure are boring, heroes need better things to do. The narrator is kind enough to explain that in old timey times heroes also were master womanizers, and that's what they were doing when there weren't any boring monsters to slay. Tell me something new!! That's common knowledge!

We begin with our Hero Siegfried riding together with his clumsy Manservant Hansel to Castle Burgundy, where Siegfried hope to marry King Gunther's sister Kriemhild. However in Castle Burgundy the king is worried about Siegfried coming there. Siegfried has killed a dragon and overthrew a caste single handedly, so they rightly worry that he is hostile. Meanwhile Siegfried is entertaining a peasant girl in a barn while the manservant is sleeping. And this is the worst fake fucking I have ever seen. And it's not sexy. You can make fake sex look better, damnit. It's a problem throughout the movie. That the sex isn't real is too obvious, and there is just no fapping to that. Then the king's men for some reason attack the barn. Hansel's line is gold: "Time to stop humping and start fighting". However Siegfried beat that with "Oh, you caught me with my pants down". Good fun.

Meanwhile we get to know that Kriemhild and her attendants are very in lesbians with each other. That won't last long though. Siegfried arrive in Worms.... wait the castle is called Worms. I get the pun, but who in their right mind would name a castle Worms? So Siegfried start to behave like an utter ass, and demand that the king throw a large feast for him. The great advantage with being a hero is the right to behave like an utter asshole. Before the feast Siegfried of course has his way with both a servant girl, and then with Kriemhild's attendants.

We basically have our Wagner. Siegfried want to marry Kriemhild, but to do that he must help Gunther win the right to marry the Warrior Queen of Iceland: Brunhilde. They have to get through the flame that guard her castle, that look really fake btw. Then Gunther have to meet her challenge, that in this version of course is to give her an orgasm three nights in a row. As in the original story Gunther wins only through cheating. Siegfried is the one giving her the orgasm, while she believe it's Gunther. Magic ftw!!

So the marriages happen. Kriemhild loses her virginity (yeah, right), but for Gunther tings look bleak when Brunhilde realizes she has been duped. She even call him Limp Noodle (yikes). Siegfried actually takes his marital vows seriously. He reject the advances of the women of the court... wait, this is a porno. Marital fidelity don't really have a place here. And now to the more serious stuff. The end is long and has a depressing tone. There is no way out of it. You can't do Wagner without going serious. Which doesn't fit a porno well. Pornos are best when light hearted. And this goes into the heavy serious plot with the conspiracy against Siegfried. However the ending come quickly and doesn't go they way the original story goes. I guess they just couldn't give it a sad ending, and they were running out of time (and saw no space to put in a sex scene for the later arc). I think the ending must have gone through some rewrites and cuts. It feels forced and abrupt.

The sets were a little bit too good for this movie, I suspect they were for some other production and the team for this movie only borrowed them. Kriemhild is played by the semi known porn actress Sybil Danning, if that helps at all. This movie is not good. The porn isn't good at all. The girls are quite good looking, but it doesn't help if the sex look fake and bad. Wagner's Niebelung Ring is a weird theme for a porn spoof, and while you can have a playful beginning about a hero banging every chick, you eventually end up with the more heavy and serious stuff of the source material that just doesn't fit well. No, not a good one.

Back from the Cinema: Star Trek Into Darkness

Well, finally a sequel to the 2009 Star Trek film. Even though that film was far from the best Star Trek, it wasn't bad and it did warrant a sequel. I watched it yesterday at the cinema, and thought I'd make a short review in a new segment I call: Back from the Cinema, where I review new movies.

What can I say, it wasn't terrible. I'd say it's okay. I have avoided the reviews, but I suspect some might give it a negative review. If that's the case I can see why. The lensflare, the worst thing about the 2009 movies was still a problem. I hated the stupid light everywhere. It should be called Lensflare the Movie 2. Otherwise the story was okay, definitely not the best Star Trek story, but neither terrible. The best thing about the movie was Benedict Cumberbatch. He did an awesome Khan. A very different Khan than the one in old Trek, but still a great performance. He had a very threatening aura, and you knew he'd be ruthless enough to do about anything. I'd say this movie is worth a watch just for that performance.

Otherwise much of the movie is just meh. The worst thing is probably that they replicate the touching "Spock sacrificing his life to save the ship" scene from Wrath of Kahn, just with the twist that Spock and Kirk switch places. It felt forced and dumb. They even had Zachary Quinto make Shatner's legendary KAAAAHN scream. Doesn't work coming from Spock's mouth at all. I laughed out loud in the cinema when it happened. It was stupid. I would probably rank this movie a little lower than the 2009 movie. Again, it's not terrible, and Cumberbatch is an awesome Kahn. It's just not really great either. There has been worse Star Trek movies, but there has also been many better ones.

War Goddess (1973), aka. The Amazons

War Goddess, The Amazons, I'm sure there are more alternate titles to this one. This is actually a Italian movie that was dubbed to English for the International Market, which often happened with Italian exploitation films those days. The Italian name is Le guerriere dal seno nudo, which I'm told means bare breated warriors. That's actually an awesome title. Why can't the English name be as awesome. When speaking about Italian and stuff, the dub is good. It feel  natural, and you forget the actors and actresses actually don't speak English. The Director Terence Young is actually from Hong Kong originally, and no, I have no idea whether his name was actually Terence Young, or if he used a pseudonym. Many Italian directors used pseudonyms for the International adaptation of their movies.

Apparently this story really happened 1000 years ago. First I don't think there's any chance that anything like this ever really happened, and second, I think Ancient Timey Times, happened many thousands of years ago. So the timing seems all wrong. And who the heck put the text there? It seems out of place, not really part of this move. Was it there originally or added for later versions? Anyway, this movie is loosely based on the story of Theseus, but very loosely. 

So we start in the lands of the Amazons where there is some kind of contest going on. They compete in Javelin throwing, mountain climbing, obstacle track, horseriding, archery and finally wrestling. In the end there are two Amazons left competing, our protagonist Antiope and a muscular bitch named Orathea. And the one who wins will become the next Amazon Queen. So the stakes are high, and the last competition is barebrested, well oiled wrestling, complete with a sexy oiling scene. Hell Yeah! Antiope of course wins, and apparently it means she will be queen for 4 years until the next competition. 

As Queen, Antiope decide the Amazons have to return to the Good Old Days, when the Amazons were strong and feared by the Nations of Men. But there is a ritual coming, a ritual when  the Amazons meet up with men to breed. And preparations need to be made, one must first meditate on how horrible and repulsive men are. Antiope also decide to get rid of the special privilegies of the army, now they will have to live in tents, and always be prepared and have no servants!! Of course Orathea and the soldiers are pissed. The cuts in this movie are not always that well made, they sometime come abtruptly and destroy the flow, at some points even in the middle of a dialogue. 

Meanwhile the King of the Greeks have joined up with his army who are going to the Amazon border on breeding duty, because he is curious about the Amazons. However his General advices him to attack the Amazons instead and take their copper mines, the king reject the idea even though Greece is in desperate need of copper. The King also decide to pretend to be a normal Military Officer for the Coupling ceremony. Orathea meanwhile try to fuck with the queen by spiking her wine with an aphrodiciac, however the queen's handmaiden end up drinking the wine, so the plan is foiled. It's of course the King who comes to Antiope's tent, and of course he seduces her, which means what was called a "simple business transaction" now became much more pleasant. Antiope however decide to bail on the third agreed night, and lead her Amazons away, but they are attacked by Scythians. Greek scouts have also detected the Scythians though, so the Greeks come to their help. Even though the King and his men saved the Amazons' lives, the Amazons are pissed because the Greeks violated their borders. Antiope then decided to do a ceremony to get a vision from the Goddess Artemis on whether to go to war with the Scythians or not. Orathea have manipulated her to suspect the Greeks and Scythians might ally. Antiope thus declare only minutes into the ceremony that she has a vision that they need to go to war with the Scythians. However usually it takes at least an hour to get into trance, so the Priestesses are not happy at all and calls it scandalous. It also turn out Antiope is very much pregnant. And with most of the army gone to fight the Scythians, the King uses the lax security to sneak into the Amazon City and have another passionate night with the Queen.

It turns out the King is married to a Cretean Princess (she has an accent though, which is funny since no one else has, and I thought Cretans were closely related to both Greeks and Amazons), and he send his wife as a spy pretending to be an Emissary for the Oppressed Women of Crete. She reports back the position of the Amazon Copper Mines. Antiope finds out about this (through sneaking to the king's tent. How she was able to sneak there undetected, why she did it and how she knew where the Greek camp site was is never explained). Antiope is naturally not pleased and swear to her attendants back in Amazon land that she will kill all the Greeks and burn their capital Athens, and kill their women and children. Then she goes to labor. Unfortunately it's a boy, and it means he will have to die in  a brutal ceremony with all the other boys born as a result of the coupling. Antiope is heartbroken, and start to question the Amazon ways.

Then Orathea returns and brag about how they crushed the Scythians, enslaved Scythian women to work on  the Amazon farms, so the soldiers wouldn't have to and how they mutilated the Scythians children. Antiope is shocked by the brutality and orders a change in how Amazon warfare works. Orathea and her officers are furious. They draw straws on who will kill the Queen, and Orathea draws the shortest straw. She sneak into the queen's chamber, but the queen feels someone's presence and is alarmed. This somehow all end up in NAKED FISTFIGHT, and even better, somehow the brutal naked battle between these Tigresses end with LESBIAN SÈX! Hooray! This is the best part of the movie and the sexiest. I have no idea why this happened. But it's AWESOME! Plotwise it makes no sense though. Antiope and the Amazons meet up with the Greeks for the couplings again, but this time Antiope and Orathea has plotted a mass slaughter, where the Amazons would slaughter the Greek soldiers. However the King seduces Antiope again, and tell her that her son is alive and well, and that he and the other boys were somehow saved. How? Did they bribe the Amazon priestesses or something. This all happened off screen and it's not explained. Anyway Antiope want to see her son and runs away with the King. Orathea and the Amazons think she has been kidnapped and ride out to chase the Greeks. This of course lead to the final battle scenes between Greeks and Amazons. 

The battle scenes are not that bad for a low budget movie. I also like that the Greeks used chariots, they should have more Chariot Warfare in movies. The ending is a little bit too cheesy, and doesn't reflect the situation very well. I like parts of it, but others feel like the characters should take the gravity of their situation more seriously. And Antope's character behaves very out of character at the end. But it's all forgiven by the text suddenly appearing on the screen. A simple line that makes it all better. It's genious really, that line makes the rather dumb things in this movie instantly forgiven. The stupid text in the beginning is forgiven too, thanks to this line. It just makes it all better.

Seriously, I kind of liked the movie. It had BOOBS,and plenty of it. The acting was okay, and the dub worked fine. Storywise some things don't work very well, especially towards the end. Also, there were subplots that didn't really reached a conclusion or had very unsatisfactory conclusions. But all in all, this movie is okay. Can be worth a watch, perhaps with a cold beer.

B- Movie Review: Street Soldiers (1991)

Oh man, this movie is threatening. Already the music during the opening credit feels threatening. Better call the police, no, wait, the lesson of this movie is to not call them, or something.

This movie has Jeff Rector! Hell Yeah! His so bad it's good acting is what makes this movie worth a watch. Rector is the villain in this one, but still it somehow feels he is the main character. And he's AWESOME!

The movie start with two Douchebags that are supposed to be High School or College students or something being chased by some gang members. These gang members are some kind of bad guys, that beat up the Douchebags, but the Douchebags are saved by their Asian Kung Fu Nerd Friend. One of the Douchebags die however. And when the one Douchebag dies you realize: "Nnoooo, the Douchebag can't act". The Asian Kung Fu Nerd Friend is also kind of an idiot, yelling for help in an abandoned back alley. And even dumber for scolding no one for not helping. Idiot, there's NO ONE THERE.

The Asian Kung Fu Nerd Friend has a Sensei, whom I first thought was invincible, but then I understood it was just shitty camera work. Anyway the Sensei is quite cool. There's a gang of teenagers called the Tigers, that for some reason ended up in a conflict with a serious criminal gang, and that's pretty much the whole story. But wait, the Criminal Gang Leader: Jeff Rector and his Asian sidekick who likes a plastic cobra just were released from jail! Hooray! I say it, Rector is AMAZING, his lines are cheesy as fuck and he delivers with EXTRA HAM! And his silent Asian Friend with a Plastic Cobra.... somehow this must qualify as RACISM! Hooray! But seriously, Rector somehow pull off super scary psycho in the middle of his cheesy acting. Don't know how, but he does it. And it's awesome.

One thing I never really could get behind is having 25+ actors and actresses playing teenagers. Especially if the makeup people haven't been able to get them look younger at all. Seriously, the chick playing the Douchebag's girlfriend could as well play his mother. So Rector and his Evil Gang crash a High School Dance Party to beat up the Tigers, and because Rector's Ex is at the party. And Rector pull of this classical line: "Where's my bitch?" Glorious.

The movie goes basically: training montages (loads of them), stupid fight scenes, some kind of lame ass love plot, blah, blah, blah. Rector's gang goes around killing Tigers, rape the Douchebag's girlfriend and such evil doings, which prompt the Tigers to get trained in kung fu karate by the Sensei. There's also this dumb "we say nothing to the police" mentality, which is moronic. The Tigers haven't done anything that is illegal. Why not tell the police what Rector and his gang is up to, so the police can protect them and arrest the mother fuckers. I don't get it.

Then we have suddenly: Bad Guy Training Montage. Even they get one. And they are trained by Silent Asian Dude with Plastic Cobra. Sweet. Then the Sensei suddenly have some serious Mental- no- Jutsus, because he can see in his brain, when the bad guys beat up and kill Asian Kung Fu Nerd Friend. So now it's personal, and stuff. The only way to go now is another training montage. This movie should be called Training Montage: The Movie.

So Rector kidnaps his Ex, while the Sensei and the Tigers assault his place commando style. The ending is quite intense. Really it is the best part of the movie. The final fight scenes are brutal. It's like this is the part of the movie the film makers actually gave a shit about. And we get some golden deliveries from Rector!

All in all, there's only one reason to watch this movie: Jeff Rector! He is awesome. His dialogue is cheesy. His acting is gloriously over the top. And meanwhile he still comes out as fucking creepy, and the most evil son of a bitch you'll ever see in a movie. Well Done.

Crusader Kings 2: A Game of Thrones Mod Review AND the Old Gods DLC is coming

I promised a review, and I kind of never delivered. CK 2 continue to shine. But to play it unmodded has become like not getting the real experience. There are two major overhaul mods: CK2+ and Prince and the Thane, and both are very good. There is no reason to play vanilla anymore. There are also now two major conversions. The Game of Thrones mod and the Elder Kings mod based on the Elders Scroll Universe. I don't know shit about Elders Scroll, so I don't play that mod. However I do play Game of Thrones alot.

So, the mod was first released about a year ago, with one scenario: Robert's Rebellion, i.e. about 15 years before the book A Game of Thrones, and season 1 of the TV show. The mod is heavily based on the book series: A Song of Ice and Fire, and choses the book alternative in the occassions the show does something different. Since the books are filled with a rich history, there are hundreds, if not thousands of canonical characters in the mod. The scenarios have grown. We have The Crowned Stag (Robert has just become king), A Clash of Kings (the book A Clash of Kings, season 2 of the show) and A Feast for Crows (the 4th book) as playable scenarios after Robert's Rebellion, heavily based on canon characters. Then we have a couple of scenarios based on the lore that happens before Robert's Rebellion. Aegon's Conquest takes you to the time Aegon the Conqueror conquered Westeros. Dance of the Dragons takes you to the age when to Targaryen siblings fought a destructive civil war, both on the back of their dragons. The Blackfyre Rebellion takes you to an age when a Targaryen Bastard names Daemon Blackfyre rose up against the crown. And After the Spring takes you to an age when Daemon Blackfyres' heirs secretly plan their revenge for losing the first war. And all this is awesome.

The mod plays great. There are many new features, like reaving quests for the Ironborn. There is an awesome Duel Engine, The King's Guard and the Night's Watch and several good stuff imported from CK2+ and Prince and the Thane. Like in most mods, the God Awful Vanilla faction system is overhauled, and much better. The next step for the modders will be to add Essos, the large Continent east of Westeros. But they are still developing it, so it won't be in for a while. But Essos will be awesome!

But there are more. Paradox Interactive is up to something that will improve the CK 2 experience by a lot. After releasing several good DLCs like Sword of Islam, Legacy of Rome and The Republic, we will now get The Old Gods. All Hail Paradox Interactive! All pagans will be playable, and we will get a new start date: 867! There will be Vikings! And pagan armies can be set to raid, so they just plunder rich provinces to fill your coffers. Rebels with a cause is finally introduced, they have been around in Victoria 2 and Europa Universalis 3 for ages. And we will get Adventurers, landless characters gathering armies to steal your land! You better defend yourself! The Old Gods will be Awesome!

B-Movie Review: Barbarian Queen (1985)

Oh yes, it's 80's Sword and Sorcery again. And it's another Fake Feminist Movie, you know one of those that pretend to be all about strong female characters and female empowerment, while they really are aimed towards horn men who want to see half naked chicks and BOOBS.

So we begin at some nice river bank, in some untouched paradise where a blonde hottie is picking flowers. Of course she's quickly attacked by some ugly dudes, and then she's raped.

Next we visit a nearby idyllic Barbarian village, where a Prince is about to get married to the main character. We know she's the main character because she's Lara Clarkson, and because she's marrying a prince. She's worried about her missing sister though (the girls who picked flowers and was raped in the beginning). But before the marriage ceremony can even begin soldiers attack the village. The Prince and his friend: Large Man with a Big Stick are competent fighters themselves and takes out several soldiers, and our main heroine is of course also a very competent fighter. She takes out a dude about to rape her best friend for example (yes BOOBS!). But in the end everyone except our Heroine and her Friend are captured or killed. Our Heroine of course swear to free the slaves and take revenge on the evil soldiers. The soldiers all wore silly hats, so I guess they are from the Silly Hat Empire. They are soon joined by another survivor, a Warrior Woman who escaped her captors. Together the threesome goes down the river by canoe.

They soon reach a Soldier Outpost, and kill the soldiers, and tries to free their harem of slaves, but only one slave survives, the sister of our Heroine (although she appear to have become a little screwy in her head). Next they find a community of farmers that also has been attacked by the soldiers. A little boy among the survivors show them to some underground catacombs that lead under the city of the Silly Hat Empire. In these catacombs there hides a small group of rebels lead by the boy's father. The father is some kind of one armed healer.

So our Heroine then goes into the city incognito and learn her fiancee and his friend have become gladiators. Meanwhile her Friend who is supposed to watch her Sister loses sight of her, and the Sister decide to go inside the inner city where only soldiers and their slave whores can go. The Friend is caught by soldiers and raped, but our Heroine and the Warrior Woman catches up with her and tries to free her, which causes a ruckus and they end up fighting loads of soldiers and are all captured. The Warrior Woman is tortured, tries to escape and is killed. The Main Bad Guy, the leader of the city and commander of the soldiers tries to rape the Heroine, but she bite him in the face, which naturally makes him angry. The Main Bad Guy is quite ok. He can certainly be quite menacing. All the bad guys are super cheesy evil archetypes by the way. Thus making them very entertaining to watch.

The Heroine is taken to a Torture Chamber managed by a Jewish Scientist. Ooooh, RACISM! Sweet, sweet RACISM. Hooray! Of course the evil Scientist straps her to his machine and start to rape her (what else), but she squeezed his dick so hard it hurts and he has no choice but to release her. Then she throws him into a pool of boiling liquid, not sure if it's water or oil (what, of course he has a pool of boiling liquid, who doesn't?) Meanwhile the Friend is taken to a Gladiator's Brothel, to be a Gladiator's Whore. There she finds the Prince and his Friend, and it turns out the Friend and the Friend are lovers!! They plan to make the gladiators rise up against the soldiers, and need the help of the rebels. The Sister has become the Main Bad Guy's little plaything. All this set up for a climatic end battle and quite a satisfying ending. But this movie IS A LIE! There's no Barbarian Queen, and even if the Heroine marries her Prince, she does not become a Queen.

But all in all, quite a satisfying movie. It has BOOBS, it has some fights, although I've seen better. The dialog is okay, not terribly bad at all. All in all, quite good. I recommend a watch,

Sorry for my absence

Sorry, has had other things on my mind lately. However I can't escape the reviews forever. There will be one up today.

Lost in Translation: Tarkan Altin Madalyon (1972) aka Tarkan 4 Evah or Tarkan joins the Circus

Honestly no idea what the real English title is, thus the derpy ones. This would be the 4th Tarkan movie, i.e. after the Viking one.

The movie start with a messenger arriving in Attila's Camp with a medallion in the shape of a Roman Double Eagle. This medallion makes Attila flash back to a time when a beautiful blonde woman was his lover. We hear some boring narration I can't understand a word of, but I get that this woman was very important to Attila. Her name seem to be Honoria and Attila decide to find her. He find her quickly and it turn out she has given him a son (around 9 years old or so). Then they are suddenly attacked by some dudes, but Tarkan and Kurt arrive to help Attila fight them off, but too late Honoria and Attila's son are taken to an evil king who punish his soldiers for failing to kill Attila by killing them by pit, spikes and snake while practising  an awesome evil laugh. It seems the bad guys in this one are the Vandals, since their name are dropped alot. And then we see an exotic bar/ inn/ brothel with exotic dancers/ whores, and oh my, the Vandal queen seem to be secretly a Prostitute! And meanwhile the Vandal Vizier rapes Honoria, oh my, such a lovely Court!!

Then we see a Vandal Emissary arrive at the Hunnic Camp delivering a dead Honoria, which means the Vizier killed her after the rape. So Tarkan rides out to save Attila's son but soon decide to stay at an inn, or the same inn that turn up in every Tarkan movie! I swear, it's the same one, they don't change anything. Shame, Turkey, suspension of disbelief destroyed. Anyway Tarkan is attacked by a group of fools, but it seems Tarkan and the Main Fool are old friends (I have no idea who that is though). So the fools help Tarkan infiltrate the Vandal town, one of them dressed as a Woman Apple Seller and the rest hidden in her/ his barrels. And then they help Tarkan in, by giving him a rope so he can climb the wall. So after some sword-fighting they settle down at the exotic bar/ inn/ brothel. It seems the Main Fool and the Ugly Matron are a couple (yuck). However the Queen arrive disguised as a Prostitute, but the Main Fool and Tarkan fools her (HA!), and Tarkan easily disarm the dagger she was hiding in her attempt to play the role as an assassin, while the Main Fool was hiding under the bed (kinky). So they force her to show them her secret tunnel to the Palace. Meanwhile the rest of the Fools are also infiltrating the Palace. I like the stealth approach this mission has, refreshing considering there usually just are alot of big brawls. So with the help of some High Circus Antics the Fools, Tarkan and Kurt saves Attila's son and leave the Vandal Town.

But meanwhile the Vizier has a Witch spying on Tarkan through some Magic Mumbo Jumbos. Tarkan and the Main Fool sleep at the same inn as earlier. The Innkeeper's daughter seem to be the Main Fool's girlfriend (much better than the Ugly Matron). But thanks to the Witch the Vandals catch up with them, so Tarkan and the Main Fool decide to fight them while the Innkeeper's daughter ride off with Attila's son. However she is killed by a magic spider web, so the Witch takes Attila's son. Tarkan follow her tracks to... wait, this landscape is awfully familiar. This is the same place the Witch in the 1970 movie lurked in. It's THE SAME WITCH! She seem to have recovered remarkably well from death. So, at the Witch's place Tarkan fight a dude made of pure gold, whose weakness it that his eyes are real.
Oh, my, did the Witch just RAPE TARKAN??!!

So Tarkan is brainwashed by the Witch and ride up to Attila's camp to try to kill him, but fails. Then the Main Fool and Kurt are able to break the hex, and Tarkan is released from the curse, just to escape from his own execution. He joins up with the Main Fool and Kurt again. Meanwhile in Vandal Town the King and the Witch are celebrating. The queen is ousted for being a Prostitute and is killed. The Fools infiltrate Vandal Town and the Party dressed up as Fools!! And then we have the final big brawl: Kurt vs, Snake, Fools vs. Soldiers, Tarkan vs. Everyone. The King, the Vizier and the Witch are all killed (although the Witch might just get better again), and Attila's son is rescued, HOORRAY!!

So it was a great ride again. This time Tarkan had much help from the Fools, in one way making it more realistic, since it was less a One-Man-Show than before. But on the other hand the Fools kind of stole the show, Tarkan couldn't have done it without them. Also Kurt is awesome!!

B- Movie Review: The Lost Continent (1968)

It's Hammer Time! And the Opening Credits start with a funky 60's opening song. The movie start with a funeral on an old Steamer, where apparently the local theatre and the Spanish Conquistadors attend together with the crew. Then we flash back in time, so the whole movie kind of build up to that funeral.

We start the story with Captain Grumpy escaping the toll inspectors in some undeveloped country. It has to be undeveloped because the toll inspectors are black. And all know that White People don't have to follow Black People laws, especially not British White People. That's because of democracy. Hooraay!


There are also some passengers on the ship, including a Doctor, his blonde daughter (from now on referred to as Blondie), an Eccentric Rich Man who likes to play the piano and a mysterious Adventurous Woman. Blondie seem to have a thing going on with the ship's Radioman. The reason Captain Grumpy didn't wanted to deal with Toll Inspectors is because his ship is carrying explosives. Also there's a hurricane coming. Explosives and hurricane sounds like a bad thing. After an accident where the anchor tear up a hole in the ship, most of the crew agrees and abandon ship. The Radioman was among the mutineers but he's shot by Captain Grumpy and remain aboard, but is wounded. Soon Captain Grumpy comes to the realization that hole + hurricane+ explosives = fucking disaster, he too orders to abandon ship, which makes the thing with him trying to stop the crew from fleeing pointless. Anyway the Captain, the Passengers and the remaining crew flees on a lifeboat.

The Doctor is then eaten by a shark, despite Eccentric Rich Man's attempt to save him, of course Eccentric Man was the one throwing him overboard in the first place. The wounded Radio Man also got mad and jumped off the lifeboat, only to be eaten by MANEATING SEAWEED!!! They then find a stranded steamer with a crew of one (a crazy bartender), and they try to leave with this new ship. Blondie seems to take her father's and boyfriend's death very lightly and starts to behave like a whore and flirt with everyone. GIANT TENTACLE MONSTER! Are they in Japan? They find land, but are immediately attacked by a group of men, they fight them off and also saves a Big Boobed Girl. The attackers are descendants of Spanish Colonists, and are ruled by a Inquisitor and a spoiled brat for a king. They also live on a Galleon. The Big Boobed Girl is not a Spaniard, but a decendant of another group of Colonists. She start to miss her people and leave, while Eccentric Rich Man lead a searching party to find her. They run into Giant Crab vs. Giant Scorpion Fight! I love Giant Monster fights!

The actors are quite good, but there is a problem. None of the characters are really likeable. We have here a well thought out story, good acting, but all in all none you can sympathize with. The most likeable character is probably the Mysterious Adventurous Woman, but only after you get to know her back story, For the most of the movie you just hate her. The Captain is an idiot, whose fault this whole mess was, the Eccentric Rich Man only comes out as a drunk idiot, whose backstory we never learn (we needed that to consider him a good guy) and Blondie is just a slut who don't care that she lost her dad and her boytoy. They are indeed characters that are deep and flawed, and that's good in a way, but we need someone to actually like too. If we don't like anyone of them, we won't care about them. And that's what this movie is lacking. The ending is quite Bad Ass though. Another problem is that they come to the mysterious Island quite late in the movie, and that part that should be most important felt a bit rushed. Instead they should have rushed the mutiny and the abandonment of the boat in the beginning, that felt dragged out, so they could focus more on monsters, Spaniards and other more interesting stuff.

Still, this movie deserves a watch. It's flawed, but it has good acting and monsters. And those are good things.

Edit: A Continent and an Island are NOT THE SAME THING! The title LIES.

Special Review: Dinosaur Island (1994)

Oh Yeah, a softcore 90's boobs parody FTW. And a compilation to the cavegirls in bikini thing I did when I just started the blog. But this movie is more than just nudity. It's hilarious, and is quickly becoming one of my favorite bad movies.

So we begin with  nude women and BOOBS when a tribe of sexy cavegirls sacrifice a blonde to a woman- eating Rubbersaur! All this to the tunes of some funky jungle drums. And then suddenly we are on a plane over the Pacific, and with some American (Fuck Yeah!) soldiers. It's actually a prison transport where a grumpy old captain is taking three troublemakers home for Court Martial. The three soldiers are quite stereotypical too, one is a Trickster and womanizer, one is a nerd and the third is a fat coward. It's also funny how none of them actually look like a soldier, nor behave like ones. The plane crash into the sea, not that we actually see this, suddenly they just wash ashore on an island. We also have some retarded exposition, oh how I love retarded exposition. The acting is hilariously terribad, the lines are ingenuously dumb and cheesy, the cuts are weird and not especially smooth, the dinosaurs look like shit... THIS IS GOLD! Fun for the whole family.... wait... no...

The thing with these all female tribes out on uncharted islands though... how do they reproduce when men not happen to wash ashore on their island? How come there are sexy women from the age 18 to milf, but no old women or children? And since they obviously need men for reproduction, how come they are always very hostile towards the men who do arrive on the island and all too willing to kill them? I know they explain it with them being very long lived because the volcanic water on the island is magic, but it still doesn't make any sense. Anyway, the story is as juicy as it sounds. The soldiers are captured and are going to be killed when they just happen to convince the tribe they're the Gods promised by the ancient prophecies, however now they have to prove themselves by killing the Great One (the T-Rex). That's pretty much it. There are actually not that many sex scenes, and the few there is are actually quite good. There are a lot of nudity though through the entire movie.

It's a fun ride. The bad acting and the hilarious lines make it very enjoyable, as well as the cheesy story that obviously don't take itself seriously at all. I'd gladly recommend this one.

Lost in Translation: Tarkan and the Silver Saddle (1971) aka Moar Tarkan

Moaar Tarkan. Moar movies I don't understand what's going on in. Moar cheap Turkish escapism. Yes, once again I watch a Tarkan movie there are no English subtitles to. Once again we will enter the world of the Hunnish warrior and his dog Kurt.

Once again we open up with a map showing the Hunns arriving in Europe, but this time it zooms in at the Caspian Sea area where this movie takes place. We start with a Hunnic fortification in the desert and a man that might be Attila the Hun coming to visit it (he's in that case not played by the same actor as in the last movie). This man has a blonde woman with him, who might be his sister, daughter or wife or something, who's a sorceress. With the help of a medallion this sorceress put a hex on a Muscle Man who falls in love with her. Under her influence the Muscle Man attacks some other people's fort alone and is caught. So those other people, who I think are supposed to be Alans or something, since I thought I heard that word being mentioned at some point torture the Muscle Man and leave him in the desert to die. The Hunns find him though and somehow he become their leader. He get a wife and a newborn son who is called Tarkan. So this movie is a prequel! Telling the Origin Story of Tarkan!

About the art style of all the Tarkan movies, they are very colorful and comic bookish, in such a way it seems a little silly. Anyway, shortly thereafter the Alans are invited to a celebration by the Hunns, probably due to some diplomatic negotiations. But the Alans betray the Hunns and kill everyone at their fort, except little Tarkan who now is raised by dogs. Some years later Tarkan is a boy and together with his dog brother (Kurt!) he is caught in a village where they tried to steal some sheep. A one-armed Hun who wanders to the village recognize him though due to the Wolf medallion he wears. The One- Armed Man thus help Tarkan and Kurt escapes, and he raises Tarkan. Then an annoyingly loud narrator says something I can't understand a word of, but it seems the wars between the Alans and the Hunns continue to rage on, and the Blond Sorceress from earlier are now some kind of powerful queen among the Alans.

Tarkan grows to adulthood, and start to explore the World. We see some Hunns lead by a silly looking man who probably has escaped from the Asterix comics kidnap some girls and take them to an inn for some raping. Tarkan of course appear and save the girls and kill the Silly Looking Man. One of the girls seem to have a thing for him, but Tarkan does not get pussy tonight, because suddenly the door open and the One Armed Man stumbles in with his back filled with arrows. Tarkan is of for some revenge. Tarkan hunts down the people who killed the One Armed Man and kills them, but is several times caught himself, but his loyal dog Kurt always saves his ass. Tarkan also find and kill a man wearing Leopard Skin who was present when Tarkan's family was killed all those years ago. Soon the Blonde Sorceress tries to bewitch Tarkan too, and sends him down a road that leads to a giant. Tarkan loses against the Giant, and is caught again. Then he escapes from the Sorceress' dungeon, but is caught again in the Throne Room, where the Sorceress have him fight another man with a Wolf Medallion. Tarkan wins, but is put under a spell by a Snake medallion. Kurt saves him again, and Tarkan kills the Sorceress. It then turns out that other man with a Wolf Medallion had been under Mind Control too. However soon after the other Wolf Medallion Man is caught by the leader of the Alans, and is then killed before Tarkan can saves him. But Tarkan kills everyone of the Alans, and thus avenge his people.

I think the Alans in this movie are supposed to be some kind of Russians, considering they look like Cossacks, and seem to like to dance that Cossack dance. Another thing I realized is that the fights were better choreographed than in the last movie, which is very positive. I don't think this one was as strong as the last one, the last one was sure sillier, while this one had a revenge plot. And I think I need more of the silly than the serious when watching a movie I can't understand the language in.

B- Movie Review: El Topo (1970)

Ha! Mexican Western from 1970, with subtitles, so no more lost in translation. And it start in silence, well this is new. I miss some good tunes for the opening though. So it begins with a man with an umbrella riding through the desert, thus an Umbrella Man, and he has a little naked boy with him. He tells the boy that since he's now 7, he should bury the picture of his mother and his toy, because now he's a MAN! But why is the boy naked? What's Umbrella Man's relation to him? Is Umbrella Man some kind of pervert? All very valid questions. Anyway, then the Opening Credit start, and the text is flimsy and may give people migraine, also they talk about some mammal that likes to dig, I don't care.

So after the credits they arrive in a village that has been massacred. And out in the desert we meet three Perverts, one is in love with women's shoes, one likes to pile bananas with his sword and one just likes to fuck rock. Anyway, the Umbrella Man and the Naked Boy arrives and the Umbrella Man kills the Three Perverts, but not before he makes them tell him who massacred the village. They tell him it's a Colonel who has taken over a Monastery nearby. And at the Monastery the Colonel's men, all Pervy Stooges are molesting and humiliating the Monks. The Colonel himself is a lazy bastard, since he can't even get up or dress without assistance from his female sex slave (in this movie I have to point out she's female). Anyway, the Pervy Stooges are submissive little fuckers, because they literary crawl in the mud when the colonel arrive, and bark like dogs. Because of that the Colonel is about to share his Sex Slave with them, but then Umbrella Man appears, and the French, I mean the Stooges all surrender instantly. Then there's this weird duel with the Colonel that involves alot of staring. They have gun, why don't they just shoot each other. Anyway, then the Umbrella Man is stripping the Colonel, is he going to rape him? Apparently not, just castrating him (with the help of the Colonel's former stooges I might add). The Colonel commit suicide and the Stooges are executed, also Umbrella Man is apparently God, and will thus be referred as such. So God ditches the kid (finally) for the Sex Slave and they ride out to the desert. Then they try to find water, but it is bitter, but since he is God, it becomes drinkable.

The Sex Slave tell God that she will only love him if he kills the Four Revolver Masters of the Desert. And that's pretty much the story of the 2nd Act. The first Master is Blind Effeminate Jesus, the 2nd Master is a dude who's in an incestuous relationship with his mother and a pet lion (AWESOME, and with that I mean the lion, not the incest), and the Third Master is a Musician who lives alone with a bunch of rabbits. The theme is God cheats in all these fights to win, since they are all much more skilled than he is. God and the Sex Slave are also joined by a Woman with a Masculine voice, who kind of show them the way to all the Masters. At one point there is a cat fight between Masculine Woman and the Sex Slave which end with the Sex Slave being whipped by her and then leading to Lesbian Sex (Hooray!). The Fourth Master is a Hermit that have traded away his revolver long ago, thus unable to fight God. And here's how God lose, he can't fight the Hermit, since the Hermit lack a weapon, and also the Hermit doesn't care for his life, and thus have nothing to fight for. To prove this the Hermit commit suicide, which means he is a moron. Anyway, God goes cuckoo crazy because of this. He also prays alot to God.... wait, which God does God pray to? He prays alot in this movie, but what kind of God does God worship? This movie has some deep theological shit.

Anyway, the Lesbian Woman then shoot God in the arms and legs, because she want to get on with the Sex Slave, she then tells the Sex Slave to choose and she chooses the Lesbian Woman and shoots God in the stomach so he collapses. When God is shot in the Arms and Legs the bullet holes look like the nail holes from Jesus on the Cross and stuff, so I guess it's SYMBOLISM, or something like that. God is then found by some people who drags him to a cave where he wakes up several years later as Blond Transvestite Jesus. He says to the people in the Cave (who are all malformed thanks to generations of incest) that he's not God, which means transforming to Blond Transvestite Jesus robs you of your Godly Powers. Then he shaves and cut his hair, and thus transform again this time to a Bald Monk, and together with a midget woman from the cave they venture outside on a mission to dig a tunnel to free the malformed people back there. So they arrive in a town where slavery is practised, and where everyone is a Sadistic Fuck. They round up slaves in a rodeo, and marking them like cattle is prime time entertainment. There are also two sadistic Gay Sheriffs that seems to run the town, and there's an intense Russian Roulette scene in the town church, that involves a monk (not to be confused with the Bald Monk) who has recently arrived in town. Now I won't go in more closely on the ending, but it's quite bloody. The movie feels artsy smartsy, and you really have to be in that mood to watch through it. The third act feels like a whole different movie, and that can throw you off. I must say I'd like the third act if it was it's own movie, but in this, it felt like it didn't fit in.

But the movie is not bad, if you have nothing against subtitles, and want an artsy, but brutal Western full of all kinds of perversions, this movie just might be for you.

Lost in Translation: Tarkan (1969)

 Lost in Translation is me trying to review a movie in a language I can't understand that doesn't have subtitles in a language I understand and thus I probably miss parts of the story altogether. The reason for this segment is easily explained. I wanted to watch more Tarkan films, but only the Viking one I reviewed last year seem to have Englis subtitles. Thus I decided that I just have to watch without subs, and try to review it anyway.

This is the first Tarkan movie, from 1969. For you who haven't read my last review the Tarkan movies were cheap Turkish Sword and Sorcery movies, mainly made in the 70s about a Hunnish warrior named Tarkan, who served Attila himself. They are fun cheap cheesy action flicks, with amusingly dumb stories. Delicious low brow romps in other words.

The epic Tarkan music already begins in the opening credit, promising a good time. Then there is narration (sigh, can't understand a word) and from the maps and pictures shown I guess it has to do with the Hunns arriving to conquer Europe, but facing heavy resistance from the Romans and the Goths. Then the movie begins with Attila the Hun holding an archery competition, and none of the n00bs can beat Attila's high score, until suddenly a wanderer arrive and beat it even from a greater distance, and of course it's Tarkan. And he has his dog Kurt with him too, like in the Viking movie.

Meanwhile the Roman Emperor appoint a badass Gladiator to kill Tarkan and Attila (I think), and the emperor is also surrounded by two beautiful women, and I think the one with the crown is suppose to be his wife (but could just be his lover too I suppose), and I think the other beautiful woman is supposed to be a servant of the Empress (if she indeed is the Empress). Anyway it's revealed that the Gladiator is doing the Empress (not that smart), but that point don't ever come up in the story again.

Then we see Tarkan beat up some Romans who tried to rape a Hunnish girl. Tarkan seldom say much and never show emotions, but what still makes him work as a movie hero is his intimidating stare. The stare alone show his presence, and make sure everyone knows a Badass has entered the building.
After this little episode we're introduced to the Goths, and we see that their leader is a Brute who likes to kick people. Of course there is also a beautiful blonde Warrior Maiden (not that there is anything "maiden" about her) among the Goths. The weapons in this movie though... man they look plastic. I know this is an old Turkish movie made on a tight budget, but couldn't they have tried to make the weapons look more realistic? Anyway, then we see Tarkan beating up an Innkeeper for some reason, probably because he think the Innkeep is fat or something. After that he makes sweet love to the Innkeeper's daughter. Now that's a REAL MAN. Of course this ends with the Innkeeper calling in the Goths on him. Then we see that the Gladiator is staying at the same Inn and help Tarkan flee. The Innkeeper mad in his anger tries to kill Tarkan, but accidentally kill his daughter instead. Then the Gladiator leads Tarkan into a Roman trap.

So Tarkan is taken to a Roman town and made into a Gladiator, which obviously is a mistake since making him a gladiator just makes him more awesome and manly. Tarkan is then saved by the Empress and shee sleeps with him (she basically sleeps with everyone). The Emperor finally got enough of her infidelity though, and have her and Tarkan hunted by his archers, which leads to the Empress being killed. Tarkan's women dying is a central theme of this movie. After an action scene Tarkan goes to a Brothel which end with a scene where he fights the Gladiator, several Roman soldiers and the Emperor and KILLS THEM ALL (this really happens!!) But the Gladiator must have survived somehow, because he is later killed again at the Goth HQ (at least I think it's the same person, it might be another one who does look alot like him).

After the brothel adventure Tarkan is caught by the Goths. That Warrior Chick is apparently now a queen or something and has Tarkan thrown into the dungeons. Tarkan escapes and kills alot of Goths, which is enough to convince the Goth Warrior Queen to shag him. However they are interrupted when the Goth Leader return (I guess the chick just was leader in his absentia). Then the Goth Leader kills the Warrior Chick. Again, Tarkan's women die. At the end of the movie there's a battle between the Hunns and the Goths again, Tarkan saves the Hunnish girl once more, but never sleeps with her. I think it's because he really cares for her, and knows his women always die. Thus he can never have her since it would mean her demise.

After the battle Tarkan goes to a cave to see some kind of wizard. But the wizard has already been killed by a Goth. There's a battle of course. The Wizard was probably Tarkan's father or teacher or something, because his death actually triggers a slight emotional reaction from Tarkan. Then Tarkan finds Excalibur, uses the Sword of Kings to kill the Goth Leader, and then gives the Magic Sword to Attila (THIS REALLY HAPPENS). And thus this movie end.

This review might seem like just a boring recap, and in a way it is. Lost in Translation will all be about me trying to interpret movies in foreign languages, and write down the story as I understand it with what I get from what's happening in the movie, but not understanding the exposition at all. Like the Viking movie this Tarkan movie was action packed and fun. A cheesy and dumb ridiculous story and a lot of action. What's not to like?

B- Movie Review: Hundra (1983)

Hundra, sounds like Swiss word or something. Wouldn't know can't speak Swiss. Anyway this is as Sword and Sorcery movie from the early 80s (when loads of them apparently were made).

So our movie begin with the Narrator. The Narrator this time is an old woman and she tell you that the women got enough of the laziness of the male sex and moved into the forest and became nomads. That is if you believe the Narrator, usuallu they are just full of shit. I never believe them anymore. Of course with leaving all men behind the women soon faced a tiny little problem, they couldn't reproduce. So they basically went back to the men now and then for a lay, and then returned to their tribe when they become pregnant. That's actually kind of an awesome arrangement. The men get all the fun but no responsibility. Women Liberation Yay! Of course they also give up all male children. That's going to bite them in the ass sooner or later, since then the World will run out of men soon. And if you from this information guessed this is one of those fake feminist movies, you would be right. A fake feminist movie is a movie that pretend to have a feminist message while still being aimed towards a male audience.

The  main character is Hundra (played by Laurene Landon) and she is the best warrior in the tribe, and a good huntress too. She just likes to kill stuff and has no wish to make any children. One day Hundra goes out hunting and of course then a group of EVIL MEN attack. And suddenly you wonder if Hundra wasn't only the best warrior, but the only warrior, since the village seem to be undefended. Of course there are other warriors and they show up, but then it's already the middle of the raid. Where were those warriors when the raid begun? Why weren't they protecting the village? The scene where Hundra's 13-year-old sister kills several full grown bearded warriors is awesome though, of course this is followed by a less pleasant scene were said sister get raped. One thing about the raid I can't understand though. The men's plan to kill all the women is quite short sighted. With all women dead they'd never get any in the future, and that also means they just doomed the whole human race. Of course the human race would still have died since no one were raising boys, but now they just sped up the doom drastically.

So yeah, Hundra is the only survivor and this is kind of an revenge film, which of course all fake feminist films really are. But this is just kind of since the whole revenge theme get derailed later. The early fight scenes are just brutal which sits well with the tone of this movie. Revenge flicks need this merciless brutality for it to be believable. Hundra also have two side kicks, her horse and a bitch named Beat (as in female dog). But then the story get derailed, Hundra goes to see a Wise Woman who lives in the mountains, and the Wise Woman tell her she must let a man knock her up, which makes sense since she's the last woman in the world. Her first trial is to face a tribe of Midgets, led by Midget Braveheart! Perhaps the Midgets will rule the World now when the human race is doomed? NUDE RIDING scene, don't tell me this movie wasn't aimed towards young men. BOOBS!

Eventually she find the Land of the Men. Wait, there are women here... what.... I don't understand, weren't all women suppose to live in that tribe in the forest? PLEASE EXPLAIN. Anyway, the first man she finds is indeed A REAL MAN, he drinks, whores and eat and never washes! He's such a prime example of manliness that she can't handle it and instead of fucking him she end up kicking his ass., Silly woman, you won't have any children if you don't know your place. One thing can be said about that man though, he sure knows how to TREAT A WOMAN. So she end up in the city, there's a slapstick fight scene, which doesn't go well with the earlier grittier and brutal tone. She goes to the Temple to learn the womanly ways, apparently this society is lead by a priest and a  couple of chieftains who come to the temple to enjoy the young courtesans there. Hundra also falls for a fruity healer, which shouldn't be a surprise. She would want to be the dominant partner in bed after all. The bad guys are the Priest and his Adjutant, and the adjutant is fucking awesome with a lot of juicy lines.

The story is confusing, but there are a lot of strong well made scenes. The story suffers from an unclear narration in the beginning (the lying narrator all over again), and also the problem that it can't decide whether it is a hard ass brutal revenge story or a lightly themed story about a barbarian woman trying to get laid. Thus also both the brutal fight scene and the slapstick fight scene. Two different tones that don't belong in the same movie. Laurene Landon is awesome though, she plays the role well, and dominate the scenes. She has a very good screen presence and can show the right emotions for the emotionally strong scenes in this movie. And those scenes are where this movie is at it's best. it really nails them.

Jollydays over and 2013 is here

A new year means new blog posts and new reviews. I will try to be back to blogging as soon as possible. I will also try to review The Game of Thrones mod for CK 2 at some point in the future (it's awesome and it's often updated!!).

When it come to B-movie reviews I can only say, there will be quite a few of them this spring (hopefully).