Special Review: Dinosaur Island (1994)

Oh Yeah, a softcore 90's boobs parody FTW. And a compilation to the cavegirls in bikini thing I did when I just started the blog. But this movie is more than just nudity. It's hilarious, and is quickly becoming one of my favorite bad movies.

So we begin with  nude women and BOOBS when a tribe of sexy cavegirls sacrifice a blonde to a woman- eating Rubbersaur! All this to the tunes of some funky jungle drums. And then suddenly we are on a plane over the Pacific, and with some American (Fuck Yeah!) soldiers. It's actually a prison transport where a grumpy old captain is taking three troublemakers home for Court Martial. The three soldiers are quite stereotypical too, one is a Trickster and womanizer, one is a nerd and the third is a fat coward. It's also funny how none of them actually look like a soldier, nor behave like ones. The plane crash into the sea, not that we actually see this, suddenly they just wash ashore on an island. We also have some retarded exposition, oh how I love retarded exposition. The acting is hilariously terribad, the lines are ingenuously dumb and cheesy, the cuts are weird and not especially smooth, the dinosaurs look like shit... THIS IS GOLD! Fun for the whole family.... wait... no...

The thing with these all female tribes out on uncharted islands though... how do they reproduce when men not happen to wash ashore on their island? How come there are sexy women from the age 18 to milf, but no old women or children? And since they obviously need men for reproduction, how come they are always very hostile towards the men who do arrive on the island and all too willing to kill them? I know they explain it with them being very long lived because the volcanic water on the island is magic, but it still doesn't make any sense. Anyway, the story is as juicy as it sounds. The soldiers are captured and are going to be killed when they just happen to convince the tribe they're the Gods promised by the ancient prophecies, however now they have to prove themselves by killing the Great One (the T-Rex). That's pretty much it. There are actually not that many sex scenes, and the few there is are actually quite good. There are a lot of nudity though through the entire movie.

It's a fun ride. The bad acting and the hilarious lines make it very enjoyable, as well as the cheesy story that obviously don't take itself seriously at all. I'd gladly recommend this one.

B- Movie Review: Creatures the World Forgot (1971)

Oh man, it's the 70s. At the time people had no internets, and thus lived in caves. People don't know this but before the internets there were cavemans, who had no cars nor any supermarkets, and thus had to hunt wild animals for food. And it's a desert, man, it's always a desert. All REAL MEN were bearded at the time, only wimps didn't had beard. And the women were nicely dressed in skimpy clothes. So this movie that is about the cavemen of the 70s is about the history of  a tribe that spans two generations.  It seems to be happening in Africa, since there are antelopes, hyenas, porcupines, wilderbeests and warthogs. Since this is about white people in Africa, it means it also describes the Colonial Era. The people of the 70s, apparently can't speak, and instead make monkey sounds, this explains so much. We also learn that people like to commit suicide while escaping from erupting volcanoes. I have no idea why. But sexy cat fights between half naked women is never wrong, and this movie has TWO OF THEM! We also learn that Mike Tyson probably inherited his fighting style from these 70's cavemen, they fight dirty and bite each other all the time! Another educational thing we learn is that living snakes and mice were delicacies and a healthy compliment to the 70's diet.

During their wanderings the tribe meets the Blonde People (which probably means they visited Sweden), the Dirty People and the Painted People who wears Rubber Masks. During a fight with the Dirty People the leader of the Dirtbags is attacked by a man in a Bear suit, completely at random. I have no idea what that was all about, so many 70's cultural references I don't get. We also get the story about the chief's twin sons who grow up to become fierce rivals, the same old. Twin brothers are in all ages just destined to fight each other to death, everyone knows that.

The movie is actually quite good. The acting is good since they are able to portray what's happening well without having one single line of dialogue. The story is not bad, certainly better than several other caveman movies, and it's a good description of life in the savage 70s. The scenes with animals seems realistic too, except that one with the man in a bear suit. The title is lying though, I didn't see a single creature the World has Forgot. But I can recommend this one, it's pretty good.

Double Feature Review: Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet (2005) vs. Dinosaur Valley Girls

So in this review series called Double Feature Reviews I will review too movies with similar names, that doesn't necessarily has anything to do with each other. They can even be from completely different genres, such as the two movies I'm reviewing today. However there are some similarities between these two: both have shitty stop-motion dinosaurs and both have BOOBS!

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet is a 2005 soft-core lesbian porn. It's written and directed by William Hellfire, who has the coolest surname ever. I wish my surname was Hellfire. You know this is a porn from the cast and crew list since even the staff responsible for music and cinematography don't dare to use their real names in the credits. Instead we get amusing shit like Cream Tangerine and Joey Smack. No, I won't show you any pictures you dirty hounds, this is a family site (lol)!
So what this movie can offer are the worst stop-motion dinosaurs I have ever seen (obviously stock-footage) and some fake lesbian sex. Of course this is a soft-core porn, so the real question is of course: how good is the fake sex? Well, it's bad, you could often see how obviously fake it was, heck they even faked the kisses sometimes. Thes sex scenes also felt quite boring and repetitive and completely failed to turn me on. The "story" is that an anthropologist and her lesbian lover (assistant) watch a prehistoric lesbian tribe on a nearby planet from their spaceship (love nest). And the best sex scene is actually their scene and not one with the prehistoric lesbians, who are the stars of this flick. The assistant also has far too many lines of dialog, which is a pity, since she can't act at all. Although some of the sex scenes are pathetic when the porn actresses can't even act that they have sex. The most memorable line of dialog is when the anthropologist in the beginning of the movie says that "you shouldn't miss a moment since you might miss the goal you set for yourself when you purchased this movie". Well if the goal was to get a hard-on you'll miss it anyways! And did we really have to see the stop-motion dinosaur take a shit. Since that was like soo important. Also, there were not really any bikinis, so the title lied, you did get to see a fair share of female nudity though, so that's good. Unfortunately only some of the girls were really attractive.

Ok, so let's do the other one. Dinosaur Valley Girls is a B-movie from 1996 with a lot of sexploitation, BOOBS and stop-motion dinosaurs.so this one actually has a plot. The main character: Tony is played by Jeff Rector. He plays a action movie hero who has been criticized that he can't act and his action movies look fake. That is of course all true, since it is Jeff Rector we are talking about. He has a girlfriend who is the most annoying girlfriend ever, but she has nice tits and a nice ass, so he won't leave her. It also shows early in the movie that our protagonist indeed is a REAL MAN, since he smokes in bed instead of letting that cunt of a girlfriend pester him. Tony is plagued by dreams about some foxy naked women with big BOOBS. They will of course be introduced later in the movie. There's a running gag in the movie that get old quick that he promised his girlfriend and all the other girls he sleep with "little parts" in his movies. It's a sad joke, but I bet the large unnecessary female cast, especially those in the beginning of the movie that don't really add anything got their "little parts" from sleeping with the director. So magic finally get him to Dinosaur Valley where he meet the main love interest called Hea-Thor who is far from the most attractive cave woman in the movie, but she has the biggest BOOBS, and that's why he likes her the best. Tony is a living one-liner machine, who can't speak in anything else than cheesy one-liners. While this could indeed be awesome, most of his lines are depressingly lame. We also meet a pervy dino who rip of Hea-Thor's bra. Bad Dino (lol!). Anyways Hea-Thor introduce Tony to the rest of the tribe (Bar-Bee, Bran-Dee, Mee-Shell, Deb-Bee etc.) There he finally get to get intimate with Hea-Thor, but don't worry, he get to pork most of the rest of the tribe too. However the female tribe a splinter from a tribe that contained both males and females. The males are lead by the "kind of" antagonist Big Mac. Big Mac have several henchmen like Korn-Dag and Bro-Mo and so on. Well, the conclusion is a love conquers all thingy, that you could see from miles away. There are some really good stuff in this movie though. Tony's "Big Mac is the Disease and I am the Cure" line makes one forgive him from his earlier lame lines. There is a stupid, and terribly bad music number in the middle of this movie. I think it should have been cut, since it's not a very good one at all. Also Tony defeat an Allosaur by using movie quotes, and that is awesome.
SPOILERS: The movie end with the males and females moving back together and Tony and Hea-Thor living happily ever after. What a shocker!! /SPOILERS
Well. this movie is not that bad. It's a amusingly dumb bad movie, that you might enjoy if you want to see some bad acting, stupid dialog and glorious BOOBS. Best enjoyed with a 6-pack of beer.

So what did we learn from these movies? Well, that it's manly to smoke in bed for once. That one-liners can be painfully bad some times, but really shine when they have that extra spice of AWESOMENESS. And of course that Hellfire is a kick-ass surname. Well, that's it for now. More reviews coming up in time.