Double Feature Review: This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX vs. Gonad the Barbarian and the Search fo Uranus

This duel is what all people have been waiting for for generations. An epic battle between two different Conan the Barbarian porn spoofs!!! We start with a quite recent Hustler porn spoof and then we take a look at a older Japanese animated one.

So This Ain't Conan the Barbarian is a 2011 Hustler porn spoof based on the original Conan the Barbarian movie (the one with Ahhnold). It pretty much goes through the sexy scenes of the original movie, but remakes them into hardcore porn. It begins with the scene with the slave girl, who is the sexiest girl in this movie, but unfortunately she just have a masturbation scene because Conan is dumb as an oaf it seems, because he doesn't bone her, even though she's practically begging for it. What's wrong with him? The guard wonder if he is blind or deaf, and so does the audience. Of course next Conan meet the witch, and fuck her good. Conan grunt like a Real Barbarian when he does the wenches, and fuck them so hard the whole screen shakes.  I'm really happy about these details, things like that makes me happy. The witch face was cool too, I mean it could have been worse. After the hard fucking and the scary witch face, the witch turns to fire and leaves for no particular reason. Conan meet mr. Sidekick outside, and he has his first line. And he does an awesome Schwarzenegger impression. I would have been really angry if they didn't. Conan isn't Conan without a retarded Austrian accent. The next scene is mr. Sidekick fucking a random wench they meet on the road, and then Conan and the Sidekick meet Valeria. Then we get to see some amazingly bad special effects when we see the snake, and shortly afterwards a scene where the sidekick falls from the roof. This is followed by some more hillarity when Conan get himself drunk in a tavern and fall asleep with his face in a bowl full of soup. THAT'S HOW A REAL MAN DOES IT!!! Even better next Conan, Sidekick and Valeria meet the king. The king is awesome. It seems he's gay, because he comment on Conan's balls, but he's probably bi, because he flirt with Valeria too. Anyways, the king is racist, and is angry because his daughter have ran away with a black guy. This king is great. So next is the Conan fucking Valeria scene, which is the best scene in the movie, as it should be. Then they meet fake Mako, who neither looks nor sounds like Mako. BOOO!!! I want a REAL fake Mako!!! And why doesn't fake Mako get to fuck anyone??? BOOOO!!! Next is Thulsa Doom fucking the Princess. There is a snake transformation, that actually is okay, but no orgy scene?? They must not have afforded enough actors for one.... but still, there ought to be an orgy scene in Thulsa's hideout. I liked the fact that since Thulsa is a snake wizard, he is good with the tongue though. The scene end with Conan, Valeria and Sidekick storming in and Valeria getting killed. Which is unnecessary, since she reappear as a ghost just a few minutes later. Why bother killing her, she could have delivered the same lines anyways. But I really like this version of Thulsa Doom. Everytime the Princess tries to say something he just goes: SHUT UP BITCH!! Now that's how YOU TALK TO A WOMAN!! Thulsa, you're a real man. And his speech is almost as good as the one in the real Conan movie. You can really see Conan getting confused by it. So did I like this move?? Yes, I liked it alot actually. I would have done a few things differently, but it worked well. And the porn was good too, it gave me a boner.

So Gonad the Barbarian and the Search for Uranus has nothing to do with Conan the Barbarian. Is a 30 minute short, and it's old, but I have no info from which year it is. The story is that the evil Gonad the Barbarian and his army of Sexbots are conquering the Universe. That's enough to get me hooked. Gonad's evil scheme consist of kidnapping, raping and torturing virgins from all over the galaxy. Where do I sign up to enlist in that army?? Frigging awesome!! But he's to be stopped by the American Secret Service (ASS) consisting of the agents Pussy Lamore (you gotta love the references), Doctor Jerkoff (lol) and Princess Layme and her boyfriend Dick (although he is not manly enough to be called Dick. He should be the one who's called Pussy). The best thing about this one are the lines. They are all hillarious. Like when Princess Layme first decline to rejoin ASS and says following classic: "No more fucking ASS for me". I love it. Her weapon is a Dildo Lightsaber by the way. Fuck Yeah!! Unfortunately Gonad doesn't look like Conan at all, and that's a little weird. The animation is horrible, and the sex scenes are bad, and there's unfortunately too little sex in it to really shine as a porn spoof. But the lines are hilarious and the movie is worth a watch just because of them. But yeah, This Ain't Conan the Barbarian is waaay much better than Gonad.

So that was the Conan porn spoofs. I might do more of these at some point, but next I'll probably review a B-movie again.

Double Feature Review: Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet (2005) vs. Dinosaur Valley Girls

So in this review series called Double Feature Reviews I will review too movies with similar names, that doesn't necessarily has anything to do with each other. They can even be from completely different genres, such as the two movies I'm reviewing today. However there are some similarities between these two: both have shitty stop-motion dinosaurs and both have BOOBS!

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet is a 2005 soft-core lesbian porn. It's written and directed by William Hellfire, who has the coolest surname ever. I wish my surname was Hellfire. You know this is a porn from the cast and crew list since even the staff responsible for music and cinematography don't dare to use their real names in the credits. Instead we get amusing shit like Cream Tangerine and Joey Smack. No, I won't show you any pictures you dirty hounds, this is a family site (lol)!
So what this movie can offer are the worst stop-motion dinosaurs I have ever seen (obviously stock-footage) and some fake lesbian sex. Of course this is a soft-core porn, so the real question is of course: how good is the fake sex? Well, it's bad, you could often see how obviously fake it was, heck they even faked the kisses sometimes. Thes sex scenes also felt quite boring and repetitive and completely failed to turn me on. The "story" is that an anthropologist and her lesbian lover (assistant) watch a prehistoric lesbian tribe on a nearby planet from their spaceship (love nest). And the best sex scene is actually their scene and not one with the prehistoric lesbians, who are the stars of this flick. The assistant also has far too many lines of dialog, which is a pity, since she can't act at all. Although some of the sex scenes are pathetic when the porn actresses can't even act that they have sex. The most memorable line of dialog is when the anthropologist in the beginning of the movie says that "you shouldn't miss a moment since you might miss the goal you set for yourself when you purchased this movie". Well if the goal was to get a hard-on you'll miss it anyways! And did we really have to see the stop-motion dinosaur take a shit. Since that was like soo important. Also, there were not really any bikinis, so the title lied, you did get to see a fair share of female nudity though, so that's good. Unfortunately only some of the girls were really attractive.

Ok, so let's do the other one. Dinosaur Valley Girls is a B-movie from 1996 with a lot of sexploitation, BOOBS and stop-motion dinosaurs.so this one actually has a plot. The main character: Tony is played by Jeff Rector. He plays a action movie hero who has been criticized that he can't act and his action movies look fake. That is of course all true, since it is Jeff Rector we are talking about. He has a girlfriend who is the most annoying girlfriend ever, but she has nice tits and a nice ass, so he won't leave her. It also shows early in the movie that our protagonist indeed is a REAL MAN, since he smokes in bed instead of letting that cunt of a girlfriend pester him. Tony is plagued by dreams about some foxy naked women with big BOOBS. They will of course be introduced later in the movie. There's a running gag in the movie that get old quick that he promised his girlfriend and all the other girls he sleep with "little parts" in his movies. It's a sad joke, but I bet the large unnecessary female cast, especially those in the beginning of the movie that don't really add anything got their "little parts" from sleeping with the director. So magic finally get him to Dinosaur Valley where he meet the main love interest called Hea-Thor who is far from the most attractive cave woman in the movie, but she has the biggest BOOBS, and that's why he likes her the best. Tony is a living one-liner machine, who can't speak in anything else than cheesy one-liners. While this could indeed be awesome, most of his lines are depressingly lame. We also meet a pervy dino who rip of Hea-Thor's bra. Bad Dino (lol!). Anyways Hea-Thor introduce Tony to the rest of the tribe (Bar-Bee, Bran-Dee, Mee-Shell, Deb-Bee etc.) There he finally get to get intimate with Hea-Thor, but don't worry, he get to pork most of the rest of the tribe too. However the female tribe a splinter from a tribe that contained both males and females. The males are lead by the "kind of" antagonist Big Mac. Big Mac have several henchmen like Korn-Dag and Bro-Mo and so on. Well, the conclusion is a love conquers all thingy, that you could see from miles away. There are some really good stuff in this movie though. Tony's "Big Mac is the Disease and I am the Cure" line makes one forgive him from his earlier lame lines. There is a stupid, and terribly bad music number in the middle of this movie. I think it should have been cut, since it's not a very good one at all. Also Tony defeat an Allosaur by using movie quotes, and that is awesome.
SPOILERS: The movie end with the males and females moving back together and Tony and Hea-Thor living happily ever after. What a shocker!! /SPOILERS
Well. this movie is not that bad. It's a amusingly dumb bad movie, that you might enjoy if you want to see some bad acting, stupid dialog and glorious BOOBS. Best enjoyed with a 6-pack of beer.

So what did we learn from these movies? Well, that it's manly to smoke in bed for once. That one-liners can be painfully bad some times, but really shine when they have that extra spice of AWESOMENESS. And of course that Hellfire is a kick-ass surname. Well, that's it for now. More reviews coming up in time.