B-Movie Review: A Man Named Rage (1984)

Welcome back to the magical land of Postapocalyptica! It's time for a proper B-Movie review and it's time for some Italian made 80's fun!

But what is this?  Weird disjointed pictures? And where's the opening music? My head hurts. Ah, there's the music. Finally. And the nuclear explosions are kind of cool. But too much red. My head still hurt.

Ah, Conrad Nicholls in RAGE (this is only awesome when RAGE is capitalized. Otherwise it doesn't work. I'd know. I have lived through the 90's).

We start with a group of soldiers investigating a ruined town. Unfortunately for them there are hidden mutants who're less than friendly in the town. But they're not the largest obstacle. There's a man, the man they came to catch, who single handedly kill many of the soldiers before being caught. I bet his name is RAGE (it is). On their way back to the HQ though, the soldier convoy is attacked by Jumping Raiders, and they sure like to jump. After beating the Jumping Raiders they have to cross a radioactive zone, and whie they indeed have gas masks and "protective suits", it won't work if your suits only are over sized rain coats. That's probably why one of the soldiers died in the zone, not sufficient protection.

At the HQ we find out RAGE was brought in to lead a expedition to a base everyone thought had been destroyed, but recently a distress call was picked up originating from there. And that base still has uranium, which they are lacking, because apparently they need uranium to survive. I don't really understand why. Isn't uranium dangerous to them? Isn't it the reason Postapocalyptica is in such a mess in the first place? Anyway the team consist of RAGE, Commander Dude, Female Soldier and Fat Electronics Dude. Their first stop is bar near Mos Eisley, controlled by a gang lead by a former member of RAGE's squad named Slash. And Slash is the only one who has maps of the forbidden zones where the base is located.

Slash understand they're after uranium and demand a piece. He also demand that he'll be allowed to accompany them, to make sure he get his share. Then the obligatory barfight happens because Slash's men become a little bit too rapey against Female Soldier. After having beaten the men up, RAGE and his crew decide they rather not take Slash with them so they sneak up and steal the maps during the night, and leave for the Forbidden Zones. That all actually went better than one could expect.

Their quest for the hidden base involves cavemen and gay Cowboys, and while they're going further into unknown lands, Slash and his men are in pursuit. Slash want them to find the uranium for him, so he can steal it from them when all work is done. I like Slash, he has a great villain laugh, and when someone disturb it with a less awesome laugh, he punch that person in the face. He also has two young stunning girlfriends with guns, what a lucky bastard.

So at one place there is that book that looks wonky and is friggin large. It says Bible on it, and they claim it's the Bible, but I have never seen a Bible like that, I bet it's fake. And they abandon a lot of books on engineering for a Bible, that's probably fake anyways. Get your priorities straight, Goddammit!

Fat Electronics Dude is my favorite character in this movie, he has a great completely manic laugh, and at one point he hold off Slash's crew alone. The fight scenes at the end are okay. Like a poor man's Mad Max chase scene, and we knew it was coming. But there were some cool things.

The acting in this movie is terrible, and not really that amusing. It doesn't get terribly boring though, which is good. It's not worth a rewatch, I think this movie would only work once. On a second watch it would probably all be quite dull. The best things are some moments though, and by that I mean every moment Slash or Fat Electronics Dude are on the screen. Those were great.

B- Movie review: Equalizer 2000 (1987)

Yes, I'm tired of Cavemen. Now let's check out some Hardcore Action. This movie begin with a spinning rifle. Spinning rifles are Hardcore! Geographically I'm a little bit confused though. They say it is postapocalyptic Alaska. I had no idea Alaska was a part of Postapocalyptica. I always though it was a part of the US, Canada or Russia or something like that. Didn't Palin say she could see Putin from her house?

Anyway this movie has several awesomely bad fire fights that usually happen for no apparent good reason.Yes, this is one of those movies where everyone is using the unlimited ammo cheat. Oh hooray for bad action flicks! The name is probably wrong though. It should be called Wooden Acting the Movie!! And why is it called 2000 when it's made in 1987. Doesn't really make any sense at all. The Postapocalyptic sure dress weird too, they are probably quite confused about their sexuality if you know what I mean. Wait, there is a woman in this sausage fest? Well, she doesn't need to worry about getting raped.... wait... seriously.... these dudes are straight? Everyone dresses in tight leather or silly uniforms, often unbuttoned, and I'm supposed to believe they are straight? Postapocalyptica sure is a weird place.

Also this movie has Richard Norton, and that's awesome! And the girl is good looking too. Yes, she's one of those girls, who take the payment, but robs your wallet afterwards. The dangerous sort. This movie is about Richard Norton shooting people with that bad ass gun you see on the poster. And surely that's all you need in a movie. You see, the gun thing is not about killing people. It's about self esteem. Any man would feel much more secure if he can fire a gun in all direction, scream, and kill some random people. Good sport. This movie also have Indians, which mean it's racist, because Indians always means racism.

The plot? It had something to do with oil. I'm not really interested in politics.
If you want a mindless action movie with straight men dressed like gays, shooting each other, then Equalizer 2000 is FUCKING AWESOME!!

B- Movie Review: A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (1991)

We're getting to the classy stuff. I am reviewing a movie from the legandary Troma production company. This can't be anything else than a higher form of art. We start with a trailer, because everyone knows that before you watch the movie you want to see the trailer for that exact same movie. And the trailer explains the backstory (and has a Narrator). So apparently it all happens in a land beyond the future and well before time. It's like a fucking paradox or something. Way deep. There are also dinosaurs, although they don't look like dinosaurs. These rubber things, hell, that plastic toy that porn movie used looked more like a dinosaur. Not saying it looked better, just that it looked more like a dinosaur. So the setting is the following: in the future-past humans fight mutants and dinosaurs who has been created after a nuclear holocaust because of magic. It all makes perfect sense. It is also explained that the dinosaurs are actually pets and lifestock that has mutated. Boring. And there's a pun both in the trailer and the beginning of the movie where they have to mention this movie's name. Name puns can be sooo repetitive.

The opening credits are quite boring, just the same picture of a castle to non- inspiring music. The movie begins with a Crossbow Dude hunting a dog? A dog? Wait, weren't the pets supposed to have mutated to dinosaurs? Then the dog is eaten by a dinosaur worm. Wait, so the worm is a dinosaur, the dog is not? I don't understand. Deep.

Our heroine of the movie is of course the nymphoid barbarian. She spend her days fighting off dudes who try to rape her. And while she's supposed to be bad ass, her fighting ability really mostly disappear after the opening act. And of course she can't beat them, but has to be saved by Crossbow Dude from a gang rape. This is of course because she couldn't possibly handle anything herself, which is easily understood, SHE'S A WOMAN. after all. It is revealed Crossbow Dude is her boyfriend though. And there's a good scene where the Nymphoid takes a arrow out of Crossbow Dude's shoulder and he slaps her in return. Then she hits him back and he does the only right thing; callin her a bitch, because he's a REAL MAN, and REAL MEN CAN SLAP ANY WOMEN THEY WANT. Later they run into a Freaky Knight and his Mutant pawns. The Crossbow Dude is knocked down and the Nymphoid is kidnapped (of course, SHE'S A WOMAN). And this is where the adventure really start.

The Crossbow Dude is saved by a Weird Old Man who gives him a pistol, and thus he becomes the Pistol Dude. The movie goes on with Pistol Dude and the Nymphoid trying to find each other and runs into many weird dinosaurs and mutants. It's actually not that bad. And even the Freaky Knight is kind of a good villain, at least they made him look quite menacing. There's not much dialogue in this movie, which is okay. If your actor's can't deliver their lines professionally, don't give them any. You can have a lot of thing happen without people saying anything. I can recommend this movie to anyone wanting to appreciate the high arts that is Troma.

B- Movie Review: Steel Dawn (1987)

I'm back with a fresh new review. And it's a Patrick Swayze movie. So I wish you all a Patrick Swayze spring! Anyways, Steel Dawn is a movie that is supposed to happen in Postapocalyptica. Postapocalyptica is that country north of Australia that's full of desert and always seem to have been through some kind of war. And they dress funny.

Anyways the opening credits are not steel gray! What the ****? It's called Steel Dawn, and they haven't steel colored opening credits. I am disappointed. But it start with Swayze standing on his head. All people know that it's serious business when a man stand on his head. Suddenly he is attacked by these Sand Dudes, but our hero use his blade and his deadly Swayze- Fu to disperse the Sand Jerks. When traveling in Postapocalyptica one must be careful not to be attacked by an old bold Chinese guy from behind. Anyways, if the Chinese guy happen to be your old teacher it's okay.

So Swayze's old Chinese teacher is killed by a guy with terrible hair. That hair is seriously trolling me, so his name has to be Troll Hair. Troll Hair seems at start to be the laziest villain ever, but he's in fact the only good thing in this movie. So Swayze wanders through the desert a LOOOONG time, I swear, it has to be close to 5 minutes. For some reason a dog start following him, but that plot point is dropped when the dog for some reason leave when he reach a settlement. There Swayze meet Obvious Loveinterest, her son Annoying Kid (played by Brett Hool, probably the son of the director Lance Hool). He also meet Giant McSidekick, who's also killed by Troll Hair. So Swayze start to work on Obvious Loveinterest's farm, and is dragged into a water dispute between the farmers and Troll Hair's boss Douchy McAsshole. McAsshole is okay, but he lacks a good villain laugh. So Swayze must in the end face Troll Hair in a real Mortal Kombat, with swords and stuff. In the end Troll Hair is quite awesome, but otherwise, this movie is BORING. I can't describe it any other way, it's terribly BORING. I really can't recommend this one. Not even Troll Hair can save it, and really, he's just the least boring stuff of many things utterly, completely boring.

So yeah, pass on this one. There are more interesting movies about the magical land of Postapocalyptica, and I will review some of them in the future.