B- Movie Review: A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (1991)

We're getting to the classy stuff. I am reviewing a movie from the legandary Troma production company. This can't be anything else than a higher form of art. We start with a trailer, because everyone knows that before you watch the movie you want to see the trailer for that exact same movie. And the trailer explains the backstory (and has a Narrator). So apparently it all happens in a land beyond the future and well before time. It's like a fucking paradox or something. Way deep. There are also dinosaurs, although they don't look like dinosaurs. These rubber things, hell, that plastic toy that porn movie used looked more like a dinosaur. Not saying it looked better, just that it looked more like a dinosaur. So the setting is the following: in the future-past humans fight mutants and dinosaurs who has been created after a nuclear holocaust because of magic. It all makes perfect sense. It is also explained that the dinosaurs are actually pets and lifestock that has mutated. Boring. And there's a pun both in the trailer and the beginning of the movie where they have to mention this movie's name. Name puns can be sooo repetitive.

The opening credits are quite boring, just the same picture of a castle to non- inspiring music. The movie begins with a Crossbow Dude hunting a dog? A dog? Wait, weren't the pets supposed to have mutated to dinosaurs? Then the dog is eaten by a dinosaur worm. Wait, so the worm is a dinosaur, the dog is not? I don't understand. Deep.

Our heroine of the movie is of course the nymphoid barbarian. She spend her days fighting off dudes who try to rape her. And while she's supposed to be bad ass, her fighting ability really mostly disappear after the opening act. And of course she can't beat them, but has to be saved by Crossbow Dude from a gang rape. This is of course because she couldn't possibly handle anything herself, which is easily understood, SHE'S A WOMAN. after all. It is revealed Crossbow Dude is her boyfriend though. And there's a good scene where the Nymphoid takes a arrow out of Crossbow Dude's shoulder and he slaps her in return. Then she hits him back and he does the only right thing; callin her a bitch, because he's a REAL MAN, and REAL MEN CAN SLAP ANY WOMEN THEY WANT. Later they run into a Freaky Knight and his Mutant pawns. The Crossbow Dude is knocked down and the Nymphoid is kidnapped (of course, SHE'S A WOMAN). And this is where the adventure really start.

The Crossbow Dude is saved by a Weird Old Man who gives him a pistol, and thus he becomes the Pistol Dude. The movie goes on with Pistol Dude and the Nymphoid trying to find each other and runs into many weird dinosaurs and mutants. It's actually not that bad. And even the Freaky Knight is kind of a good villain, at least they made him look quite menacing. There's not much dialogue in this movie, which is okay. If your actor's can't deliver their lines professionally, don't give them any. You can have a lot of thing happen without people saying anything. I can recommend this movie to anyone wanting to appreciate the high arts that is Troma.