Munrovember-cember Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972)

Yes, indeed we are going backwards in time for the last part of the Caroline Munro theme. We are going to a time when she didn't played the female lead role yet, but was in the same movie as both Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. It's Hammer Time and it's Dracula A.D. 1972!!







The atmosphere from the start is good with omnious music. You know shit is going to get real and Lee and Cushing will duke it out! And it opens with them fighting. Hooray! The first thing you see is Lee and Cushing trying to strangle each other!  That's how you start a movie! And they are fighting on top of a moving cart. Fuck Yeah!! And Dracula get wheeled! Let's just say it's a different take on the whole wooden stick through heart thingy. So, wait, both Lee and Cushing dies in the first 5 minutes, nooooo! Fuck You movie, you don't kill of both Lee and Cushing in the first act! And what's this? Some asshole just stroll in and steal Dracula's ring and ashes. Let dead Christopher Lees rest in peace damn it. Disturbing a dead Chris Lee is never a good idea.

Anyway we leave Oldy Old Times behind and we end up in the 1972 version of London, which is exactly like Real London, except it is in 1972 instead of the Real World. You silly early 70's, the new decade has started and is forming itself, but it hasn't really shook off all of the 60s yet. So we start at a party with young people having fun and old people being angry. Because young people having fun is the worst thing that could ever happen. No crime is worse. We get to learn it's actually the shithead who stole Chris Lee's ashes and his friends who has crashed some party, and they narrowly escape before the police turn up. The shithead and his young crew are all a bunch of assholes with no redeeming qualities. One big problem with modern horror is this formula. Why would you care if a bunch of mean spirited idiots are killed? But of course it fits the setting here, since back in the 70s, everyone was an asshole. They are all also very dumb. Dumb assholes for main characters, oh joy. When the Shithead suggest summoning the devil they are all for it. How fucking moronic can you be? When has ever Summoning the FUCKING DEVIL been a good idea?

Munro plays a girl in the group who is the most supportive of the Shithead, because she has a thing for him. That's really her character. Nothing special really. The main girl is called Jess (played by Stephanie Beacham of Sea Quest fame) and is one of Munro's and the Shithead's friends. Her grandfather is rumored to be an expert on demonology and it turns out it is PETER CUSHING!! But aren't you dead man? Must have been another Cushing who was killed off in the Oldy Old Days. Man this is confusing, and awesome. Multiple Cushings!! So Jess is starting to have second thoughts, just maybe summoning THE DEVIL is not a good idea.

So, we find out that the Shithead's name is Johnny Alucard. Oh I see where this is going, I have played Castlevania. So they start the ceremony to summon the Old Horny One, and it's a fucking seance. Lamest summoning of the Devil ever! And why the Hell is the Shithead orgasming during his chants? Okay, so they need a sacrifice (finally, this is how you summon evil demons), and Jess decline the invitation, but of course Munro accept it, and yes, the Shithead summon Dracula back to life and Munro become his first victim. They killed her off early, too early for my taste, but hey, this is before she become a lead actress.

So yes, the rest of this movie become quite awesome with Cushing having to stop Lee from making his granddaughter his new bride. The Shithead becomes a vampire (wait, how has he lived this long without being one). There is also some police officers, but I don't give a shit about them, since they never do anything important. But the Shithead's involuntary suicide was fucking hilarious. Unfortunately Lee and Cushing don't meet up before the end, but you get a battle between the Titans of Hammer in the end. But the ending is too damn short, we need more Lee vs. Cushing battles. A short one is just anti- climatic.

So this is the end of Munrovember- cember. But man, even if Munro didn't have much screentime it was worth it. And the scene where Lee kill her is sexy as shit. This came out wrong, but damn she's beautiful even in death. And we got Cushing and Lee. That means awesome.

Munrovember-cember: At the Earth's Core (1976)

 Cushing alert! Cushing alert! Cushing alert! Finally a Peter Cushing movie! Also, it seems someone is pissing lava in the opening sequence. How very fitting. Ah. steam locomotives, reminds me of my childhood. Well, the movie start with your typical British rich snobs enjoying watching some hardcore drilling during afternoon tea. Yes, indeed the story is that some rich snob professor and his rich snob American student (played by B-movie legend Doug McClure, and is an American because of his accent) will try to drill themselves through solid rock in a giant Drill Machine, because of Science. Like these bourgeois dimwits would ever be able to drill anything. Cushing is playing a parody of the confused British snob scientist gentleman archetype, and I say it now, Cushing is what makes this movie worth watching. It's clear that he overplays the role on purpose, and it's amazing.

So of course their drill breaks down and crash, because they are dumb snobs who don't know shit about drilling. And they crash in a underground jungle at the Earth's core, because there are lot of underground jungles at the Earth's  core and stuff. And not long after the Rubber Monsters appear! This is Rubber Paradise! There are so many overgrown people in rubber costumes that it itself deserves and Oscar or something.

The first rubber dude is supposed to be a bird or a lizard or something, can't tell for sure. But this movie should be called the Rise of the Rubber Giants or something, because that would be a title that describes this movie well. Soon the dynamic duo is enslaved by the Pig People, because at Earth's Core the Pig People hold humans as slaves. Here we're also introduced to Caroline Munro, who plays the slave girl Dia, who's also a Princess (of course). But even more important: another rubber giant! And this one looks like a rhino-boar-horse thingy. And it start fighting another one! Rubber Giant fight, hooray! So McClure escapes and run into an angry dude and start a fist fight with him in the Cave of the Hentai Tentacle Monster! I'm not kidding, this really happens. The bad guys seem to be Giant Rubber Birdmen, and when they talk everyone get bored. Causing boredom seem to be their special power. But enough about that. Rubber! Rubber! Rubber! A Lizard of Rubber! And Cushing killing a firebreathing rubber monster with bows and arrow. Classic! There's also a human baddie called "The Ugly One". Such a charming name!

Munro is unfortunately not that prominent in this one, she again mostly is eye candy and McClure's obligatory love interest. She also mostly fall into the Damsel in Distress archetype. I'm fine with it, although they could have made her a little tougher. She's supposed to be a native of the Underworld after all. Of course she look beautiful and has a great revealing outfit. Anything else would be a waste of her talents.

As I said before Cushing is the reason to watch this movie. He is great. He overact the role deliciously. The scenes without him seem a little boring actually. The ending is also a little bit of a downer. But all in all, a fun watch. A mindless adventure flick with some Munro eyecandy and some Cushing glory. What's not to like?

Munrovember-cember: Captain Kronos- Vampire Hunter (1974)

 Yes, we continue the Munro theme with some Hammer goodness. And by that I of course mean a 70's vampire movie made by the legendary studio known for, well 70's vampire movies of course! The movie begins with a young innocent girl being attacked by a vampire! How original! But it is with a twist! Instead of the victims dying or becoming vampire from the bite, they just age alot. Of course they die moments later, but still. You see, there are many species of vampire, and this one drain the youth of it's victims in order to stay young.

So, then we are introduced to the Captain himself. Captain Kronos is a war veteran (since it's oldie old times it could be the Crimean War or the Taiping rebellion or something) who ride around with his hunchback sidekick and kill vampires, and is just all in all an awesome dude. He is played by German actor Horst Janson (more German name than that

 doesn't exist).  His sidekick is called Professor Grust and is played by John Cater, one of those "that guy" actors you often see playing minor roles on British television. Anyway the soon find Munro, who plays Carla, who is a devious criminal who has committed the most un- Christian of acts, namely dancing on a Sunday! Munro and Kronos of course quickly become lovers. The trio meet up with Dr. Marcus, an old friend of Kronos from the war, who called Kronos and Grust there in order to tackle the vampire

 threat in his village.

Holy Shit! Victim number two not only got old, she became a dude!! But yes, this movie has a quite high body count with a quite active vampire hunting the young and innocent. And even if you quickly get to know from where the vampire comes, and to which group of people it belong, the movie still manage to throw out enough red herrings for you not to be sure which of the suspects is the vampire before the very end of the movie.

Munro once again play the token girl, the obligatory love interest, and her role is once again pretty much just to look beautiful. There is nothing wrong with that. She looks stunning as usual. The acting in this movie is not spectacular. It's not wooden, but neither really memorable. Probably because the director and the screenwriter didn't give the actors something that challenging to do. Still the movie is quite enjoyable. You however don't really get to know Captain Kronos that well, which is a pity, the movie is about him. You are left wanting to know more about him and see more of his adventures. It's really a pity there were no sequels. All in all the movie played it quite safe. An enjoyable watch, but nothing really memorable. Maybe that's why Hammer never did a Kronos 2. Still, I can recommend a watch, it's not bad, just not so good that it's worth more than one look.

Munrovember-cember: The Golden Voyyage of Sinbad (1973)

Last year I reviewed Star Crash with Caroline Munro. Now I will take a look at a couple of movies with her from the 70s, not just B-movies. Caroline Munro is perhaps most known for playing a secondary Bond Girl in The Spy who Loved Me in 1977 (the one where Barbara Bach played Agent Amasova as the main Bond Girl). But I won't review that one. Instead I will review some other movies with her. Caroline Munro is the best kind of actress, the one that is absolutely beautiful. And in her youth she was usually cast just for that reason. So let's take a look at the Golden Voyage of Sinbad from 1973!

Ah, classic cinema, grand openings, non- cgi boats and soothing music. In this movie John Philip Law plays the Arab sea captain who always hunger for new adventures. Yes, we have a bunch of white people playing Arabs. Hooray for RACISM! Anyway the movie begin with some shitty little thing flying above Sinbad's boat while making annoying sounds. Understandably a sailor decide to try to shoot it, which causes it to drop a amulet it was carrying. Sinbad take the amulet which make him hallucinate about Caroline Munro, man I want those hallucinations. Then the ship is hit by a storm which takes it off it's course. They end up in a small island country where Sinbad goes to find the girl of his dreams.

Of course adventure wait just around the corner. The sultan is dead and Sinbad and the Grand Vizier has to travel to distant lands to find the other pieces of the amulet, before the sorcerer Prince Evil (played by the Tom Baker, the 4th Doctor himself).

Sinbad also is joined by a young slacker, the son of a Innkeeper. The Innkeeper beg Sinbad to take the Slacker with him and make him a REAL MAN. And of course Sinbad is also joined by Caroline Munro, who plays the slave girl Margiana. Munro's role in this movie is not much more than to look beautiful and wear revealing outfits, but by Allah, that's what she's best at. She is gorgeous!

This movie uses very good stop motion animation. You don't see much of that anymore with all the cgi. CGI can be both good and bad, and it has it's clear advantages. But I miss the great craft that was good stop motion.

So Sinbad travel to an island where he come across a Savage Tribe that worship the Hindu Goddess Kali. And my, they are probably managing to insult every ethnicity there ever was all at the same time with this. All as it should be. They also run into the Cyclop that in this movie is a Cycltaur, a weird mix of a Cyclop and a Centaur. Roc is in this movie not a big bird, but a Griffin! And of course the Cycltaur and the Griffin fight, as is the tradition of stop motion monsters.

All in all a enjoyable film. Of course it can't escape some criticism. It doesn't take any risk. It plays all stereotypes straight, and even though enjoyable also very forgettable. No real exceptional acting, no real interesting story twists or characters that break the norms. But for what it is, a non- bad Hollywood cash-in movie it's definitely worth a watch, mostly to drool over Caroline Munro in that sexy outfit of course.

B-Movie Review: Star Crash (1978)

The first review of the year is another Star Wars clone, called Star Crash with Caroline Munro as the leas actress. And the good thing is that she will wear a quite skimpy "outfit" indeed during much of this movie to really show off her better "assets". Anyways, the movie opens on the spaceship Murray Leinster. This of course opens the question whether the Irish originate from Space. However the ship's computer is glitching, since it can't stop calling for "Major Bradbury to the Communication Bridge", That's what you get for using Windows Vista on your Space Ship. On the bridge, the Bad Bland Extras hold their yearly Conference, before being attacked by a red Porno Light. Also this space is Disco Space, because of all the pretty colors. In the 70's even space was dancing all night long. Suddenly there is a Star Wars opening text, but it's in Space Language, so I can't read it. Only the French understand Space Language. So Caroline Munro and her sidekick are fleeing from the authorities. And of course every criminal that flees from the police immediately says: "Aha, looks like the cops", however Munro's "First yo gotta catch me, you dirty cop" tells us that this girl is eager for some action. Well, Munro and her sidekick are caught and arrested, but the jail is the worst in the Universe, so she flees quickly, and is recruited by the Emperor of Space, Christopher Plummer to a mission to save the Universe from an evil count by finding the remnants of a space ship.

So Caroline Munro in a sexy outfit are going on an adventure together with her sidekick, that seems to suddenly have become some kind of Jedi Wizard thingy, an awesome Robot, who's the REAL main character, and Obvious McTraitor, who's quite awesome too. The Evil Count is also great, because he has a great evil laugh. The robot is quite horny (and who wouldn't be when Caroline Munro is in the room) and says awesome lines like: "It's nice to be turned on again". And the movie treats us with awesome stuff like Stop Motion giants, Amazons in revealing outfits (yes!!), and Cavemen. And David Hasselhoff is in this movie, even though The Hoff and all his awesomeness is introduced quite late in the movie. This movie is full of awesome lines and terrible acting. The story makes no sense at all. It's so bad, it's frigging AWESOME!! This movie I can recommend. You won't forget it anytime soon. Especially not the awesome robot!!