Back from the Cinema: Star Trek Into Darkness

Well, finally a sequel to the 2009 Star Trek film. Even though that film was far from the best Star Trek, it wasn't bad and it did warrant a sequel. I watched it yesterday at the cinema, and thought I'd make a short review in a new segment I call: Back from the Cinema, where I review new movies.

What can I say, it wasn't terrible. I'd say it's okay. I have avoided the reviews, but I suspect some might give it a negative review. If that's the case I can see why. The lensflare, the worst thing about the 2009 movies was still a problem. I hated the stupid light everywhere. It should be called Lensflare the Movie 2. Otherwise the story was okay, definitely not the best Star Trek story, but neither terrible. The best thing about the movie was Benedict Cumberbatch. He did an awesome Khan. A very different Khan than the one in old Trek, but still a great performance. He had a very threatening aura, and you knew he'd be ruthless enough to do about anything. I'd say this movie is worth a watch just for that performance.

Otherwise much of the movie is just meh. The worst thing is probably that they replicate the touching "Spock sacrificing his life to save the ship" scene from Wrath of Kahn, just with the twist that Spock and Kirk switch places. It felt forced and dumb. They even had Zachary Quinto make Shatner's legendary KAAAAHN scream. Doesn't work coming from Spock's mouth at all. I laughed out loud in the cinema when it happened. It was stupid. I would probably rank this movie a little lower than the 2009 movie. Again, it's not terrible, and Cumberbatch is an awesome Kahn. It's just not really great either. There has been worse Star Trek movies, but there has also been many better ones.

B-Movie review: Space Hunter: Adventures in the Frobidden Zone (1983)

This is actually a very good movie. You can tell it from the beginning when the cheesy title attacks you, I mean it really does attack you. That's a high score on the cheesometer. The movie start with a nice little explosion on a Spaceship that forces three beautiful babes to flee on an escape pod. They end up crashing on a desert planet where the natives soon naturally are attracted to the site (hehehe). Our hero lives in a pile of junk in space. His name is Wolf and he is known for never paying his parking tickets, his rent, or his ex- wife. Now that's a REAL HERO for you. He isn't alone, his mechanic is a sexy android (that he bones of course, it's all implied) named Chalmers (if I ever bought a sexy android, I'd do her too). Unfortunately she dies early in the movie. Nooo, she was the best character!! And holy facemelting Jesus, do you really have to melt her skin just because you decomission her, Wolf?

So Wolf is trying to find the babes from the escape pod, and they have been taken to the Forbidden Zone, a part of the planet terrorized by a plague. Wolf teams up with a scavenging teenage girl played by Molly Ringwald! Thar'd make this one of her first movies! She's actually quite good in this, although she nag all the time, but that's just because SHE'S A WOMAN. They also team up with the space cop Washington, who also is on the same mission. They face of against Fat Mutants, that are so obviously dudes in fat suits, that it's totally obvious. And they encounter water amazons (yay!!). The bad guys called the Overdog and the Chemist are creepy enough, but they don't have a villain laugh (damn). All in all, it's a quite fun ride. A very under appreciated movie. If you want some quality 80's cheese, give it a try. It feels a little bit like a mixture of Star Wars and Mad Max, and that can never be wrong. It's almost sad they never made any sequels.

B-Movie Review: Star Crash (1978)

The first review of the year is another Star Wars clone, called Star Crash with Caroline Munro as the leas actress. And the good thing is that she will wear a quite skimpy "outfit" indeed during much of this movie to really show off her better "assets". Anyways, the movie opens on the spaceship Murray Leinster. This of course opens the question whether the Irish originate from Space. However the ship's computer is glitching, since it can't stop calling for "Major Bradbury to the Communication Bridge", That's what you get for using Windows Vista on your Space Ship. On the bridge, the Bad Bland Extras hold their yearly Conference, before being attacked by a red Porno Light. Also this space is Disco Space, because of all the pretty colors. In the 70's even space was dancing all night long. Suddenly there is a Star Wars opening text, but it's in Space Language, so I can't read it. Only the French understand Space Language. So Caroline Munro and her sidekick are fleeing from the authorities. And of course every criminal that flees from the police immediately says: "Aha, looks like the cops", however Munro's "First yo gotta catch me, you dirty cop" tells us that this girl is eager for some action. Well, Munro and her sidekick are caught and arrested, but the jail is the worst in the Universe, so she flees quickly, and is recruited by the Emperor of Space, Christopher Plummer to a mission to save the Universe from an evil count by finding the remnants of a space ship.

So Caroline Munro in a sexy outfit are going on an adventure together with her sidekick, that seems to suddenly have become some kind of Jedi Wizard thingy, an awesome Robot, who's the REAL main character, and Obvious McTraitor, who's quite awesome too. The Evil Count is also great, because he has a great evil laugh. The robot is quite horny (and who wouldn't be when Caroline Munro is in the room) and says awesome lines like: "It's nice to be turned on again". And the movie treats us with awesome stuff like Stop Motion giants, Amazons in revealing outfits (yes!!), and Cavemen. And David Hasselhoff is in this movie, even though The Hoff and all his awesomeness is introduced quite late in the movie. This movie is full of awesome lines and terrible acting. The story makes no sense at all. It's so bad, it's frigging AWESOME!! This movie I can recommend. You won't forget it anytime soon. Especially not the awesome robot!!

B- Movie Review: Space Mutiny (1988)

Space Mutiny is one of those bad Star Wars rip off. This one uses stock footage from both the original Battle Star Galactica and from the real Star Wars movies for the space battle footage. That the movie want to be associated with Star Wars become obvious since even the music during the opening credits remind me of Star Wars. The movie is happening far in the future in Spaaaace, where humanity now live on large spaceships. One of these spaceships is the setting for the movie. However there is an evil mutiny plot masterminded by the ship's Security Chief Evil McNazi. Evil McNazi is actually only want to settle on a planet, but that is forbidden for humans, since Spaaaace, just like Earth has some really stupid laws. So he and his co-conspirator the Chief Engineer Mr. Lame plots to take over the ship and colonize a planet, and sell all those crewmates who resist them as slaves to pirates or something. However the ship has a Hero: Hero McPilot who is played by Reb Brown! Reb Brown is known for not being able to act, but always getting to play hero in cheap action movies. Hero McPilot also have an obligatory love interest: Doctor Blondie Bitch, who is the daughter of the ship's Commander. And then there are those telepathic psycho bitches that somehow are important to the plot but I haven't figured out how.

So, this movie has really bad acting, that some times get really hilarious, and other times are just lame and boring as shit. There are also lot of juicy symbolism, Mr. Lame has an SS-badge on his uniform, very subtle. Also for some reason the space ship has a nightclub, why I don't know. And we have a continuity error, a female officer who is killed: Lieutenant Curly Hair is seen working on the bridge after she's killed off. A Clone I say!! Well, at least the villain has a great laugh, and all good movie villains have that. And a lot of the scenes are really goofy, and there are a common theme of Evil McNazi's men being really stupid and incompetent. However the Space Bazookas, while awesome, are way to small. No way bazookas in space would be smaller than on Earth. In Spaaaaace everything is bigger. And yes, in several scenes it's plainly obvious they are not in space. Windows with sunshine for example (lol).

The movie is okay, some of the crappy acting is hilarious, but other times things just seem to drag a bit. The villains are the best. Evil McNazi and Mr.Lame are so juicy evil. And Mr. Lame wins the prize in Douche Baggery for killing his own men. If you like crappy SciFi and Reb Brown, then Space Mutiny (or Mutiny in Space as it also is called) is for you.