So it begins with bad picture quality!! You basically can't find a version of this that isn't ripped from a half broken vhs tape where the film itself is falling apart. Oh man, I'm in for a treat.
So under some special star sign of the Gods, or something like that, a woman gives birth to a son, and because of special signs or something the son is destined to be the Chosen of the God Teishaa, or something like that. But just as the boy is born his parents are attacked by barbarians.... wait, aren't his parents barbarians too? Too many barbarians, Barbarianception. The child is saved because a Wizard Dude flees with it, while the father tries to fight off the barbarians.
Sidenote: the man playing the father is probably a stuntman. He has no lines, and they manage to get some good shots of his face while fighting, meaning there was no actor switch. Also he fight quite energetic and is enjoying himself, which indicates he knows what he's doing.
Anyway, the barbarians are lead by an Archer Dude who kills both parents. He tries to take the father's sword, but it transforms into a snake, so he isn't able to take it.
The child grows up to a man named Thor, destined to be the greatest chief of all, apparently raised by the wizard dude, who's now also the Narrator. The Narrator loves to namedrop things that sounds silly and doesn't seem to have any relevance. The Narrator, who also is the Wizard Dude (wizardception) is very boring to listen to, unfortunately he by far the most line in the entire movie, probably because none of the others know how to act. So the Wizard Dude hasn't done a good job raising Thor considering he just eat all the good stuff himself and leave only fish heads and other bad stuff for his aging stepfather (what a dick). However the Wizard dude is just: "Oh well, time to die then" (pleeaase, your narration is boring... he is not going anywhere, is he?). No, unfortunately the Wizard Dude doesn't die. Just then Thor and the Wizard Dude come up against some cannibals who has a male and a female prisoner. Thor has apparently never seen a female before (Wizard Dude, you are not a good parent, are you) and has that priceless line: "What's that", when he sees the woman. Wait... if he hasn't seen a female before how did Thor got through the creepy teen years? What did he jack off to? Wait, I don't want to know. Of course the Cannibals kill the male prisoner before Thor is able to smash them all. So then Thor takes the female prisoner back to the cave he and Wizard Dude lives in (stay classy wizard dude, stay classy). And then it happens. The LINES! Oh Wizard Dude, you have so much to answer for. Okay, here are the lines: "No Thor, she is not something to eat, lay her down play with her, what else is she good at? The female is stupid, take her, make her yours".
Umm, WHAT?? Oookay Wizard Dude, can you shut up now. Did you just tell your stepson to rape a woman? So, umm, Thor and the woman get on with it. And of course the woman is soo willing to let this strange barbarian have sex with her shortly after she was almost eaten by cannibals. Then she is killed by random barbarians attacking the cave, which is the cue for the wizard to send Thor on a mission to find his father's sword.
After a few adventures Thor arrive in the land of the Warrior Virgins (basically Amazons), where he immidiately get into a fight with some Amazons. He kills one Amazons and shortly thereafter proceeds to rape another, one he also take prisoner. Stay classy movie, stay classy.
Not long after taking the Amazon as an unwilling slave, Thor is captured by weird cultists. They sacrifice him by leaving him to bleed to death, but the amazon who at this point has a severe case of Stockholm syndrome help him. Then they find the "golden seed of life", basically seeds. And apparently agriculture is unheard of, because Thor's idea to take the seeds so they'll benefit humanity is unheard of before. Soo, I'd buy that this is pre-agriculture if it weren't for so many things that definitely is no stone age stuff, like things made out of metal. Doesn't make any sense. My guess is they couldn't decide whether to make a Caveman or a Sword and Sorcery movie, and it ended up being a bad mix. But let's discuss the Elephant in the Room. What makes even less sense. Why would the Amazon fall for a guy who just killed her friend and raped her. What the Fuck? And Why in Seven Hells do we need to follow a hero who is a rapist? Especially when the movie makes NO DEAL OUT OF IT AT ALL.
Yeah, I am not surprised the creepy Wizard Dude is creeping in just as Thor and the Amazon makes love. He's just the creepiest person in this movie and that is saying a lot. Come to think of it this is all his fault. He's the one who raised Thor to be such an ass.
So after some time the Amazon is showing signs of pregnancy, and then Thor and her is invited to come and rule a small village as it's chief. There Thor gets a second wife, a virgin who recently has reached the age and thus should warm the bed of the chief according to traditions and stuff. Yeah, the polygamy would not bother me that much usually, since the movie is about a savage time where things like that are usual. It becomes troublesome because all the other stuff the movie has thrown at us thus far. It's been like a roller-coaster of misogyny.
So Thor just started to teach the villagers agriculture when news of a wandering wild tribe appeared, lead by the Archer Dude who killed Thor's parents. Thor lost the battle and is blinded by the Archer Dude, who for some reason is not fighting with a bow and arrows, despite being a archer. Thor is blinded by the Archer dude, but the Wizard Dude help him get his sight back through the venom of a snake he summons. Meanwhile the Archer Dude and his men have enslaved the village. Thor learns how to tame a horse, and then he find his parents' grave and his father's sword. Then Thor comes in riding, all the Archer dude's men flee. The Archer Dude fight Thor mano o mano (why, he's an Archer, why don't he use his bow, he could probably win by just shooting Thor). Thor of course win and kill Archer dude. Just then the Amazon goes into labour, and Thor's firstborn son is born. The End.
Okay movie, there is such a thing as too much. Sure stupid movies with dumb plot can have much sexism and other political incorrect stuff, and that's fine. This stupid shit is usually what makes a bad movie funny. However there are limits to what goes and what don't go. Our hero being a rapist doesn't go. A dude raising his stepson to be a mysogynist ass is not fine. There's nothing funny about it. Here's a thing. The Damsel in Distress trope is pure fantasy. In reality no women or man would want to have sex with their saviour just after someone tried to rape or kill them, or whatever. However that's just fun escapism. A fantasy about a world everyone knows is not real. However rape is very real. We can allow Villains in our stories do such things, because villains in fiction are always defeated by the hero and has to pay for their crimes one way or another. The hero, no, the hero can be allowed to do bad things, even really bad things, but there has to be CONSEQUENCES. There must be a punishment for the bad, even when the hero commit it. Otherwise the terrible crime just becomes an empty punchline in a joke that isn't funny.
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