Special Review: The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried (1971)

And we all know what "sword" that is. A tip: it's a dick.

Yes, indeed, it's time to tackle some German (badly dubbed to English) porn spoof of the ancient legend made a classic by Wagner: The Niebelung Ring!

We start with Something Weird. At least the text says so. Well, I tell you what's weird. The music in this movie. Always miss the tone a little. We learn that slaying monsters sure are boring, heroes need better things to do. The narrator is kind enough to explain that in old timey times heroes also were master womanizers, and that's what they were doing when there weren't any boring monsters to slay. Tell me something new!! That's common knowledge!

We begin with our Hero Siegfried riding together with his clumsy Manservant Hansel to Castle Burgundy, where Siegfried hope to marry King Gunther's sister Kriemhild. However in Castle Burgundy the king is worried about Siegfried coming there. Siegfried has killed a dragon and overthrew a caste single handedly, so they rightly worry that he is hostile. Meanwhile Siegfried is entertaining a peasant girl in a barn while the manservant is sleeping. And this is the worst fake fucking I have ever seen. And it's not sexy. You can make fake sex look better, damnit. It's a problem throughout the movie. That the sex isn't real is too obvious, and there is just no fapping to that. Then the king's men for some reason attack the barn. Hansel's line is gold: "Time to stop humping and start fighting". However Siegfried beat that with "Oh, you caught me with my pants down". Good fun.

Meanwhile we get to know that Kriemhild and her attendants are very in lesbians with each other. That won't last long though. Siegfried arrive in Worms.... wait the castle is called Worms. I get the pun, but who in their right mind would name a castle Worms? So Siegfried start to behave like an utter ass, and demand that the king throw a large feast for him. The great advantage with being a hero is the right to behave like an utter asshole. Before the feast Siegfried of course has his way with both a servant girl, and then with Kriemhild's attendants.

We basically have our Wagner. Siegfried want to marry Kriemhild, but to do that he must help Gunther win the right to marry the Warrior Queen of Iceland: Brunhilde. They have to get through the flame that guard her castle, that look really fake btw. Then Gunther have to meet her challenge, that in this version of course is to give her an orgasm three nights in a row. As in the original story Gunther wins only through cheating. Siegfried is the one giving her the orgasm, while she believe it's Gunther. Magic ftw!!

So the marriages happen. Kriemhild loses her virginity (yeah, right), but for Gunther tings look bleak when Brunhilde realizes she has been duped. She even call him Limp Noodle (yikes). Siegfried actually takes his marital vows seriously. He reject the advances of the women of the court... wait, this is a porno. Marital fidelity don't really have a place here. And now to the more serious stuff. The end is long and has a depressing tone. There is no way out of it. You can't do Wagner without going serious. Which doesn't fit a porno well. Pornos are best when light hearted. And this goes into the heavy serious plot with the conspiracy against Siegfried. However the ending come quickly and doesn't go they way the original story goes. I guess they just couldn't give it a sad ending, and they were running out of time (and saw no space to put in a sex scene for the later arc). I think the ending must have gone through some rewrites and cuts. It feels forced and abrupt.

The sets were a little bit too good for this movie, I suspect they were for some other production and the team for this movie only borrowed them. Kriemhild is played by the semi known porn actress Sybil Danning, if that helps at all. This movie is not good. The porn isn't good at all. The girls are quite good looking, but it doesn't help if the sex look fake and bad. Wagner's Niebelung Ring is a weird theme for a porn spoof, and while you can have a playful beginning about a hero banging every chick, you eventually end up with the more heavy and serious stuff of the source material that just doesn't fit well. No, not a good one.

Special Review: Dinosaur Island (1994)

Oh Yeah, a softcore 90's boobs parody FTW. And a compilation to the cavegirls in bikini thing I did when I just started the blog. But this movie is more than just nudity. It's hilarious, and is quickly becoming one of my favorite bad movies.

So we begin with  nude women and BOOBS when a tribe of sexy cavegirls sacrifice a blonde to a woman- eating Rubbersaur! All this to the tunes of some funky jungle drums. And then suddenly we are on a plane over the Pacific, and with some American (Fuck Yeah!) soldiers. It's actually a prison transport where a grumpy old captain is taking three troublemakers home for Court Martial. The three soldiers are quite stereotypical too, one is a Trickster and womanizer, one is a nerd and the third is a fat coward. It's also funny how none of them actually look like a soldier, nor behave like ones. The plane crash into the sea, not that we actually see this, suddenly they just wash ashore on an island. We also have some retarded exposition, oh how I love retarded exposition. The acting is hilariously terribad, the lines are ingenuously dumb and cheesy, the cuts are weird and not especially smooth, the dinosaurs look like shit... THIS IS GOLD! Fun for the whole family.... wait... no...

The thing with these all female tribes out on uncharted islands though... how do they reproduce when men not happen to wash ashore on their island? How come there are sexy women from the age 18 to milf, but no old women or children? And since they obviously need men for reproduction, how come they are always very hostile towards the men who do arrive on the island and all too willing to kill them? I know they explain it with them being very long lived because the volcanic water on the island is magic, but it still doesn't make any sense. Anyway, the story is as juicy as it sounds. The soldiers are captured and are going to be killed when they just happen to convince the tribe they're the Gods promised by the ancient prophecies, however now they have to prove themselves by killing the Great One (the T-Rex). That's pretty much it. There are actually not that many sex scenes, and the few there is are actually quite good. There are a lot of nudity though through the entire movie.

It's a fun ride. The bad acting and the hilarious lines make it very enjoyable, as well as the cheesy story that obviously don't take itself seriously at all. I'd gladly recommend this one.

Special Review: One Million AC-DC (1969)

Yes, my dear readers. It's indeed time to review a softcore porno from the late 60s. And it has cavemen and cavegirls (of course), and indeed the cavegirls have a slight inclination towards lesbianism (as all cavegirls do). It begin very promising with a lot of lava for some reason and  the title in a completely unreadable font. The story is about a day in the life of the cavemen, who all live in a cave. First a young virgin girl will be sacrificed, which means she will warm up with some sweet lesbian love, then be penetrated by ginormous prehistoric dildo, and after that only the strongest man in the cave will have the honour of plugging the newly opened hole. Of course this is followed with some lesbian cleansing rituals.

But hot babes during these dangerous times must be careful that they're not kidnapped by a dude in a monkey costume. Also plastic toy dinosaurs might attack the cave and force everyone to hide deep within it (still, getting out of the cave and past the plastic dinosaur doesn't seem that difficult at all, on the contrary, several people seem to manage it). Already at this early stages of the evolution of man there was several ways to have sex, but indeed the most popular way was doing it, tyrannosaurus style (hahaha). Wait. that mammoth look decent, how on Earth have they a decent mammoth, but the worst dinosaur effects ever? Ah, the mammoth is stock footage, while they did the dinosaur themselves, now I understand.

Of course a day wouldn't be perfect in prehistory if it didn't end with an orgy. Everyone knows cavemen love orgies, and during orgies catfights might break out, and what's more sexier than that? But stupid lizard fighting stock footage, don't interrupt my catfight, boo! Oh, I don't mind that the fist fight between the two cavemen is the worst fidt fight I have ever seen. It's still awesome, because it's that terrible. The catfight was better. But wait, they are fighting outside, wasn't there a plastic dinosaur waiting to eat them? How?? Anyways, now it's time to invent the bow and arrows and finally kill that dino. Hoorray!

This movie had the unfortunate tendency to get boring at times. The characters were bland and you sometimes couldn't see any difference between them. I just didn't care who fucked who. But at least there seem to have been some chemistry between main guy and main girl, because their scene with the grapes was actually not that bad (most sex scenes in this are bad). Anyways, if you want to see a late 60s porno with cavemen, One Million AC-DC is the movie to check out.