Yes, indeed, it's time to tackle some German (badly dubbed to English) porn spoof of the ancient legend made a classic by Wagner: The Niebelung Ring!
We start with Something Weird. At least the text says so. Well, I tell you what's weird. The music in this movie. Always miss the tone a little. We learn that slaying monsters sure are boring, heroes need better things to do. The narrator is kind enough to explain that in old timey times heroes also were master womanizers, and that's what they were doing when there weren't any boring monsters to slay. Tell me something new!! That's common knowledge!
We begin with our Hero Siegfried riding together with his clumsy Manservant Hansel to Castle Burgundy, where Siegfried hope to marry King Gunther's sister Kriemhild. However in Castle Burgundy the king is worried about Siegfried coming there. Siegfried has killed a dragon and overthrew a caste single handedly, so they rightly worry that he is hostile. Meanwhile Siegfried is entertaining a peasant girl in a barn while the manservant is sleeping. And this is the worst fake fucking I have ever seen. And it's not sexy. You can make fake sex look better, damnit. It's a problem throughout the movie. That the sex isn't real is too obvious, and there is just no fapping to that. Then the king's men for some reason attack the barn. Hansel's line is gold: "Time to stop humping and start fighting". However Siegfried beat that with "Oh, you caught me with my pants down". Good fun.
Meanwhile we get to know that Kriemhild and her attendants are very in lesbians with each other. That won't last long though. Siegfried arrive in Worms.... wait the castle is called Worms. I get the pun, but who in their right mind would name a castle Worms? So Siegfried start to behave like an utter ass, and demand that the king throw a large feast for him. The great advantage with being a hero is the right to behave like an utter asshole. Before the feast Siegfried of course has his way with both a servant girl, and then with Kriemhild's attendants.
We basically have our Wagner. Siegfried want to marry Kriemhild, but to do that he must help Gunther win the right to marry the Warrior Queen of Iceland: Brunhilde. They have to get through the flame that guard her castle, that look really fake btw. Then Gunther have to meet her challenge, that in this version of course is to give her an orgasm three nights in a row. As in the original story Gunther wins only through cheating. Siegfried is the one giving her the orgasm, while she believe it's Gunther. Magic ftw!!
So the marriages happen. Kriemhild loses her virginity (yeah, right), but for Gunther tings look bleak when Brunhilde realizes she has been duped. She even call him Limp Noodle (yikes). Siegfried actually takes his marital vows seriously. He reject the advances of the women of the court... wait, this is a porno. Marital fidelity don't really have a place here. And now to the more serious stuff. The end is long and has a depressing tone. There is no way out of it. You can't do Wagner without going serious. Which doesn't fit a porno well. Pornos are best when light hearted. And this goes into the heavy serious plot with the conspiracy against Siegfried. However the ending come quickly and doesn't go they way the original story goes. I guess they just couldn't give it a sad ending, and they were running out of time (and saw no space to put in a sex scene for the later arc). I think the ending must have gone through some rewrites and cuts. It feels forced and abrupt.
The sets were a little bit too good for this movie, I suspect they were for some other production and the team for this movie only borrowed them. Kriemhild is played by the semi known porn actress Sybil Danning, if that helps at all. This movie is not good. The porn isn't good at all. The girls are quite good looking, but it doesn't help if the sex look fake and bad. Wagner's Niebelung Ring is a weird theme for a porn spoof, and while you can have a playful beginning about a hero banging every chick, you eventually end up with the more heavy and serious stuff of the source material that just doesn't fit well. No, not a good one.
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