B- Movie Review: Sorceress (1982)

The movie start with some riders in the dark chasing some people and killing them, and we see a woman trying to flee with her young child. The leader of the Riders is called Trogon and he hunt down the woman and kill her, because she was his lover, but she fled when she became pregnant. Trogon has promised to sacrifice his firstborn to his God. But soon he realizes that the woman gave birth to twin girls, and he don't know which of them is the firstborn. Then suddenly Oldman McSensei, Trogon's old teacher, appear and kills Trogon. But it turns out that Trogon is a Sorcerer, and thus apparently has three lives, so he will be back. Oldman McSensei decide the girls has to be raised as warriors so they can revenge their mother's death.

20 years later Trogon comes back to life and orders his followers to find the twins. Meanwhile the twins are bathing in a lake, but are harassed by a horny Moronic Satyr. They chase the moronic Satyr away. When they return to their village though they see Trogon's men all around the place killing and raping. This seems to always happen to these villages in these movies. So the twins, dressed up as boys to conceal their identity (not that it would fool anyone considering they have boobs) attack the soldiers and kill them. Then they are joined by the Moronic Satyr, a Viking Dude and Oldman McSensei. Oldman McSensei gives them his last powers and tell them about their mother and how she was killed, then he dies.

So they all go to a Middle Eastern looking town to find Viking Dude's friend. It turn out he's a young handsome Barbarian Dude, who likes womanizing, gambling, and especially cheating on dice. There is some fighting and then they go to Barbarian Dude's place.

Ahahahahahahaha! This is so friggin dumb. The twins have no idea they are girls, because the morons who raised them never told them. They don't even know there is a difference between boys and girls. This is idiotic. So juicy, deliciously dumb. Anyway, the Twins are left alone for a couple of seconds, but that enough for them to be tricked by a suspicious woman to follow her right into a trap, and they're caught. Trogon's girlfriend arrive to conduct some tests to determine which one of them is the firstborn, but the real question is why she has a dude in a Monkey Suit with her. Anyway, apparently the firstborn would be immune to fire, so they test it, and the first twin they test it on is immune. But meanwhile Viking Dude and Barbarian Dude beat up some soldier, steal their horses, and charge right in and save the twins. Even the moronic Satyr kick some ass.

They flee into the forrest, but the Monkey Suit Man and his friends (more Monkey Suit men) attack them, and Barbarian Dude and one of the Twins (the older one I think) are captured and they are taken to Trogon. Trogon reveal to the twin (I think she is called Mara) that he is her father, but no Luke Skywalker moment here. Mara says that if this is true they have to treat Barbarian Dude well. Trogon promise he will be well taken care off, but minutes later he order Barbarian dude to be executed for cheating in dice (apparently gambling is taken very seriously). However Trogon's girlfriend find a medallion that reveal Barbarian Dude is of royal blood and they decide to keep him alive for now. Of course Trogon's girlfriend try to seduce Barbarian Dude, she tell him that she want a real man and want to depose Trogon, but that the sacrifice need to go through and that the Gods will be pleased if Mara carries the seed of Royalty when she's sacrificed. So Barbarian Dude makes love to Mara. Meanwhile the younger twin sense their lovemaking through her psychic link, and a hillarious scene begin, with a very confused Viking Dude not knowing what's going on.

The ending is deliciously dumb and stupid, like these movies usually are, but nothing extra. Other movies of the genre has more impressive final battles, even if they try to throw in alot of stuff. The acting in this movie is wooden, and Viking Dude is worse than worst. It's not entertainingly bad, it's just boring bad. There is still some enjoyable scenes in this movie, but others are better. It's watchable, but not good. Certainly not good.

There is also some lies in this one. It's called Sorceress, but the girls never use sorcery in this movie. So what's with the title? And Trogon had three lives, so does this mean he will come back again? This is never adressed, like they just forgot that plot point. And another downer is that the twins aren't that good looking. Which is a pity, some pretty faces could make wonders for this movie.