B- Movie Review: Street Soldiers (1991)

Oh man, this movie is threatening. Already the music during the opening credit feels threatening. Better call the police, no, wait, the lesson of this movie is to not call them, or something.

This movie has Jeff Rector! Hell Yeah! His so bad it's good acting is what makes this movie worth a watch. Rector is the villain in this one, but still it somehow feels he is the main character. And he's AWESOME!

The movie start with two Douchebags that are supposed to be High School or College students or something being chased by some gang members. These gang members are some kind of bad guys, that beat up the Douchebags, but the Douchebags are saved by their Asian Kung Fu Nerd Friend. One of the Douchebags die however. And when the one Douchebag dies you realize: "Nnoooo, the Douchebag can't act". The Asian Kung Fu Nerd Friend is also kind of an idiot, yelling for help in an abandoned back alley. And even dumber for scolding no one for not helping. Idiot, there's NO ONE THERE.

The Asian Kung Fu Nerd Friend has a Sensei, whom I first thought was invincible, but then I understood it was just shitty camera work. Anyway the Sensei is quite cool. There's a gang of teenagers called the Tigers, that for some reason ended up in a conflict with a serious criminal gang, and that's pretty much the whole story. But wait, the Criminal Gang Leader: Jeff Rector and his Asian sidekick who likes a plastic cobra just were released from jail! Hooray! I say it, Rector is AMAZING, his lines are cheesy as fuck and he delivers with EXTRA HAM! And his silent Asian Friend with a Plastic Cobra.... somehow this must qualify as RACISM! Hooray! But seriously, Rector somehow pull off super scary psycho in the middle of his cheesy acting. Don't know how, but he does it. And it's awesome.

One thing I never really could get behind is having 25+ actors and actresses playing teenagers. Especially if the makeup people haven't been able to get them look younger at all. Seriously, the chick playing the Douchebag's girlfriend could as well play his mother. So Rector and his Evil Gang crash a High School Dance Party to beat up the Tigers, and because Rector's Ex is at the party. And Rector pull of this classical line: "Where's my bitch?" Glorious.

The movie goes basically: training montages (loads of them), stupid fight scenes, some kind of lame ass love plot, blah, blah, blah. Rector's gang goes around killing Tigers, rape the Douchebag's girlfriend and such evil doings, which prompt the Tigers to get trained in kung fu karate by the Sensei. There's also this dumb "we say nothing to the police" mentality, which is moronic. The Tigers haven't done anything that is illegal. Why not tell the police what Rector and his gang is up to, so the police can protect them and arrest the mother fuckers. I don't get it.

Then we have suddenly: Bad Guy Training Montage. Even they get one. And they are trained by Silent Asian Dude with Plastic Cobra. Sweet. Then the Sensei suddenly have some serious Mental- no- Jutsus, because he can see in his brain, when the bad guys beat up and kill Asian Kung Fu Nerd Friend. So now it's personal, and stuff. The only way to go now is another training montage. This movie should be called Training Montage: The Movie.

So Rector kidnaps his Ex, while the Sensei and the Tigers assault his place commando style. The ending is quite intense. Really it is the best part of the movie. The final fight scenes are brutal. It's like this is the part of the movie the film makers actually gave a shit about. And we get some golden deliveries from Rector!

All in all, there's only one reason to watch this movie: Jeff Rector! He is awesome. His dialogue is cheesy. His acting is gloriously over the top. And meanwhile he still comes out as fucking creepy, and the most evil son of a bitch you'll ever see in a movie. Well Done.

Crusader Kings 2: A Game of Thrones Mod Review AND the Old Gods DLC is coming

I promised a review, and I kind of never delivered. CK 2 continue to shine. But to play it unmodded has become like not getting the real experience. There are two major overhaul mods: CK2+ and Prince and the Thane, and both are very good. There is no reason to play vanilla anymore. There are also now two major conversions. The Game of Thrones mod and the Elder Kings mod based on the Elders Scroll Universe. I don't know shit about Elders Scroll, so I don't play that mod. However I do play Game of Thrones alot.

So, the mod was first released about a year ago, with one scenario: Robert's Rebellion, i.e. about 15 years before the book A Game of Thrones, and season 1 of the TV show. The mod is heavily based on the book series: A Song of Ice and Fire, and choses the book alternative in the occassions the show does something different. Since the books are filled with a rich history, there are hundreds, if not thousands of canonical characters in the mod. The scenarios have grown. We have The Crowned Stag (Robert has just become king), A Clash of Kings (the book A Clash of Kings, season 2 of the show) and A Feast for Crows (the 4th book) as playable scenarios after Robert's Rebellion, heavily based on canon characters. Then we have a couple of scenarios based on the lore that happens before Robert's Rebellion. Aegon's Conquest takes you to the time Aegon the Conqueror conquered Westeros. Dance of the Dragons takes you to the age when to Targaryen siblings fought a destructive civil war, both on the back of their dragons. The Blackfyre Rebellion takes you to an age when a Targaryen Bastard names Daemon Blackfyre rose up against the crown. And After the Spring takes you to an age when Daemon Blackfyres' heirs secretly plan their revenge for losing the first war. And all this is awesome.

The mod plays great. There are many new features, like reaving quests for the Ironborn. There is an awesome Duel Engine, The King's Guard and the Night's Watch and several good stuff imported from CK2+ and Prince and the Thane. Like in most mods, the God Awful Vanilla faction system is overhauled, and much better. The next step for the modders will be to add Essos, the large Continent east of Westeros. But they are still developing it, so it won't be in for a while. But Essos will be awesome!

But there are more. Paradox Interactive is up to something that will improve the CK 2 experience by a lot. After releasing several good DLCs like Sword of Islam, Legacy of Rome and The Republic, we will now get The Old Gods. All Hail Paradox Interactive! All pagans will be playable, and we will get a new start date: 867! There will be Vikings! And pagan armies can be set to raid, so they just plunder rich provinces to fill your coffers. Rebels with a cause is finally introduced, they have been around in Victoria 2 and Europa Universalis 3 for ages. And we will get Adventurers, landless characters gathering armies to steal your land! You better defend yourself! The Old Gods will be Awesome!