Wednesday, May 29, 2013

B- Movie Review: Street Soldiers (1991)

Oh man, this movie is threatening. Already the music during the opening credit feels threatening. Better call the police, no, wait, the lesson of this movie is to not call them, or something.

This movie has Jeff Rector! Hell Yeah! His so bad it's good acting is what makes this movie worth a watch. Rector is the villain in this one, but still it somehow feels he is the main character. And he's AWESOME!

The movie start with two Douchebags that are supposed to be High School or College students or something being chased by some gang members. These gang members are some kind of bad guys, that beat up the Douchebags, but the Douchebags are saved by their Asian Kung Fu Nerd Friend. One of the Douchebags die however. And when the one Douchebag dies you realize: "Nnoooo, the Douchebag can't act". The Asian Kung Fu Nerd Friend is also kind of an idiot, yelling for help in an abandoned back alley. And even dumber for scolding no one for not helping. Idiot, there's NO ONE THERE.

The Asian Kung Fu Nerd Friend has a Sensei, whom I first thought was invincible, but then I understood it was just shitty camera work. Anyway the Sensei is quite cool. There's a gang of teenagers called the Tigers, that for some reason ended up in a conflict with a serious criminal gang, and that's pretty much the whole story. But wait, the Criminal Gang Leader: Jeff Rector and his Asian sidekick who likes a plastic cobra just were released from jail! Hooray! I say it, Rector is AMAZING, his lines are cheesy as fuck and he delivers with EXTRA HAM! And his silent Asian Friend with a Plastic Cobra.... somehow this must qualify as RACISM! Hooray! But seriously, Rector somehow pull off super scary psycho in the middle of his cheesy acting. Don't know how, but he does it. And it's awesome.

One thing I never really could get behind is having 25+ actors and actresses playing teenagers. Especially if the makeup people haven't been able to get them look younger at all. Seriously, the chick playing the Douchebag's girlfriend could as well play his mother. So Rector and his Evil Gang crash a High School Dance Party to beat up the Tigers, and because Rector's Ex is at the party. And Rector pull of this classical line: "Where's my bitch?" Glorious.

The movie goes basically: training montages (loads of them), stupid fight scenes, some kind of lame ass love plot, blah, blah, blah. Rector's gang goes around killing Tigers, rape the Douchebag's girlfriend and such evil doings, which prompt the Tigers to get trained in kung fu karate by the Sensei. There's also this dumb "we say nothing to the police" mentality, which is moronic. The Tigers haven't done anything that is illegal. Why not tell the police what Rector and his gang is up to, so the police can protect them and arrest the mother fuckers. I don't get it.

Then we have suddenly: Bad Guy Training Montage. Even they get one. And they are trained by Silent Asian Dude with Plastic Cobra. Sweet. Then the Sensei suddenly have some serious Mental- no- Jutsus, because he can see in his brain, when the bad guys beat up and kill Asian Kung Fu Nerd Friend. So now it's personal, and stuff. The only way to go now is another training montage. This movie should be called Training Montage: The Movie.

So Rector kidnaps his Ex, while the Sensei and the Tigers assault his place commando style. The ending is quite intense. Really it is the best part of the movie. The final fight scenes are brutal. It's like this is the part of the movie the film makers actually gave a shit about. And we get some golden deliveries from Rector!

All in all, there's only one reason to watch this movie: Jeff Rector! He is awesome. His dialogue is cheesy. His acting is gloriously over the top. And meanwhile he still comes out as fucking creepy, and the most evil son of a bitch you'll ever see in a movie. Well Done.








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