Lost in Translation: Tarkan: Güclü Kahraman (1973) aka Tarkan goes to China

Ah yes, long time since I got the last Tarkan fix. About time I'll watch some awesomeness while having no idea what's going on again.

We start with omnious music when a mystery man comes into a town, this mystery man seem to be some kind of badass swordsman, considering the way people are clothed and the fact they eat with chop sticks seem to indicate this is the Far East. The Omnious Swordsman then interrupt a dinner party and start to kill people. Everyone at the party seem to be swordsmen, and the host a karate master, but the Omnious Swordsman kill them all.



Meanwhile Tarkan and Kurt arrive in Asia, and goes to eat at an inn in the desert. A young woman suddenly comes to the inn to warn about something, and soon a group of bandits comes riding towards the inn. They seem to be hunting the woman for some reason. Tarkan, of course, proceed to kick so much ass, that the bandit leader have to withdraw with the remaining bandits so they won't all die. That's how awesome Tarkan is. And I guess Kurt helped a bit too. With the bandits defeated the Young Woman is free to ride off again. However an Other Swordsman is watching from a mountain. This can't end well. And it doesn't, the Other Swordsman and his men catch the Young Woman easily.

Tarkan rides further and is then joined by some Weird People he seems to know. Soon they're surrounded by bandits though, and a new fight begins, and thanks to devious trickery the bandits, who seem to be working for the Omnious Swordsman actually win and force Tarkan and his weird friends to become prisoners.

Tarkan and his friends are then about to be burned on stakes, until suddenly the young woman from earlier intervene and through a sensual dance somehow convince the bandits and the Other Swordsman than blind knife fighting on a narrow log over a burning pit is better punsihment. The battle is cool and all, and Tarkan win of course despite his enemy cheating. After completing another weird trial as well as threatening the bandit leader Tarkan, his weird friends and the Young Woman are allowed to leave the Bandit Camp. I have no idea why the bandits suddenly has Tarkan complete some weird trials when they moments ago wanted to burn him alive. Anyway, Tarkan and the Young Woman part ways again. She's probably just going to get caught again, she'd really be better of just staying with Tarkan and Friends.

Meanwhile it is revealed that the Other Swordsman is working with the Emperor of China! Now we find the Omnious Swordsman again and it seems he has a relationship with the Emperor's daughter.



It seems the Young Woman had followed Tarkan, since she's spying on Tarkan and his Friends when they take a bath. Tarkan sends her away, while he and his friends visit the large Temple of the Kung Fu Monks. These Kung Fu monks seem to be more of the Pacifist kind though since they don't do any Kung Fu in this movie. The Kung Fu monks challenge Tarkan to get an Awesome Sword they have placed high up in the temple Inner Roof. Just when Tarkan accept the challenge the Omnious Swordsman and his Karate Dudes arrive and huge fight begins. And man, this temple is not buit of firm materials, since the walls break like they were made of paper, or something.



All Tarkan's friends are killed, and Tarkan himself thoroughly beaten. The Omnious Swordsman decide to take Tarkan with him back, because just kill him there is not evil enough or something. Actually it is revealed that not all of the Weird Friends are dead and the Kung Fu monks help the survivors heal. Meanwhile Tarkan himslelf is hanged upside down from a tree to be burned alive. The stupid Swordsman and his men leave, which of course is their mistake because Kurt is still alive and kicking, and the Young Woman seem to still be following them, and she and Kurt help Tarkan out of the deathtrap. So the Omnious Swordsman did not think that the dog that helped Tarkan and Friends in their fight and probably did best of all of them could possibly come to help his master? That's a serious oversight but it meant Kurt got some spotlight. But Tarkan is unconscious and probably close to death anyways. The Young Woman takes Tarkan to an Old Hermit for medical care, while the surviving Friends try to heal themselves in a river. The Omnious Swordsman and his men goes to the Kung Fu Temple to torture and kill the monks next. Then the Omnious Swordsman claims the Awesome Sword for himself.


The Hermit reveal that the only thing that can save Tarkan is apparently the milk of  a female dog, so Kurt goes off to find one and bring her back. The Weird Friends turn up just in time to see Tarkan's healing. More Kurt spotlight, yay. And Kurt must really have been lucky to find a female dog that had puppies so quickly. For Tarkan to completely heal he has to bathe in a boiling spring though. Is the hermit trying to kill him? It certainly seems that way.


After a painful bathe Tarkan is fully healed and in better shape than ever before. Then it's time for Training Montage! And the hermit trained Tarkan to fight with his eyes closed, which probably will become handy. And Tarkan of course have a little love affair with the Young Woman before going off to fight the Omnious Swordsman.


At the Kung Fu Monastery they encounter the Other Swordsman and his men, meanwhile the Omnious Swordsman and his men encounter the Young Woman and the Hermit. The Hermit fight the Omnious Swordsman but is killed. Tarkan beat the Other Swordsman, then while his Friends still are fighting the Other Swordsman's men Tarkan rides off to meet up with the Omnious Swordsman in the desert for a last battle. But then for some reason Tarkan is tricked to shoot an arrow agains a prisoner who is bound, but sandstorms hinder him from seeing who it is. He shoots the prisoner, and it's of course the Young Woman who immidietely dies. Why Tarkan was tricked to do this I have no clue. But now it's PERSONAL.


Okay, Tarkan, lesson one, if the bad guys tell you to do something, you NEVER do what he says, because it's always something EVIL. Got it?



So Tarkan goes to the Omnious Swordsman's place and kills all his men and then for some reason decide to fight the Omnious Swordsman with a nunchuk. The Omnious Swordsman makes him dizzy, so he of course has to fight the Swordsman blind, just like the Hermit taught him. The fight continue with some hand to hand command, knife throwing and of course the Awesome Sword, that Tarkan now claims as his. And thus the movie end with Tarkan riding out into the sunset with his new Awesome Sword, and Kurt running beside him as usual.



It was great to come back to Tarkan after some time off, but I felt like this was the movie where I really couldn't figure out the plot. Why was Tarkan in Asia? What's so special with the Awesome Sword? And why did he stupidly shoot that arrow when it was clearly a trick by the Evil Swordsman. The fights were also great in this one, the coreography improves somewhat for each movie, but there was nothing special. The final battle had some surprises, but there was no new grounds covered when it came to the fighting coreography. It was great, Tarkan always is, but somehow it feels just less awesome than the other ones. Perhaps because the plot was more clearer, and you wouldn't need to understand the Turkish exposition to know what's going on in those.

Lost in Translation: Tarkan Altin Madalyon (1972) aka Tarkan 4 Evah or Tarkan joins the Circus

Honestly no idea what the real English title is, thus the derpy ones. This would be the 4th Tarkan movie, i.e. after the Viking one.

The movie start with a messenger arriving in Attila's Camp with a medallion in the shape of a Roman Double Eagle. This medallion makes Attila flash back to a time when a beautiful blonde woman was his lover. We hear some boring narration I can't understand a word of, but I get that this woman was very important to Attila. Her name seem to be Honoria and Attila decide to find her. He find her quickly and it turn out she has given him a son (around 9 years old or so). Then they are suddenly attacked by some dudes, but Tarkan and Kurt arrive to help Attila fight them off, but too late Honoria and Attila's son are taken to an evil king who punish his soldiers for failing to kill Attila by killing them by pit, spikes and snake while practising  an awesome evil laugh. It seems the bad guys in this one are the Vandals, since their name are dropped alot. And then we see an exotic bar/ inn/ brothel with exotic dancers/ whores, and oh my, the Vandal queen seem to be secretly a Prostitute! And meanwhile the Vandal Vizier rapes Honoria, oh my, such a lovely Court!!

Then we see a Vandal Emissary arrive at the Hunnic Camp delivering a dead Honoria, which means the Vizier killed her after the rape. So Tarkan rides out to save Attila's son but soon decide to stay at an inn, or the same inn that turn up in every Tarkan movie! I swear, it's the same one, they don't change anything. Shame, Turkey, suspension of disbelief destroyed. Anyway Tarkan is attacked by a group of fools, but it seems Tarkan and the Main Fool are old friends (I have no idea who that is though). So the fools help Tarkan infiltrate the Vandal town, one of them dressed as a Woman Apple Seller and the rest hidden in her/ his barrels. And then they help Tarkan in, by giving him a rope so he can climb the wall. So after some sword-fighting they settle down at the exotic bar/ inn/ brothel. It seems the Main Fool and the Ugly Matron are a couple (yuck). However the Queen arrive disguised as a Prostitute, but the Main Fool and Tarkan fools her (HA!), and Tarkan easily disarm the dagger she was hiding in her attempt to play the role as an assassin, while the Main Fool was hiding under the bed (kinky). So they force her to show them her secret tunnel to the Palace. Meanwhile the rest of the Fools are also infiltrating the Palace. I like the stealth approach this mission has, refreshing considering there usually just are alot of big brawls. So with the help of some High Circus Antics the Fools, Tarkan and Kurt saves Attila's son and leave the Vandal Town.

But meanwhile the Vizier has a Witch spying on Tarkan through some Magic Mumbo Jumbos. Tarkan and the Main Fool sleep at the same inn as earlier. The Innkeeper's daughter seem to be the Main Fool's girlfriend (much better than the Ugly Matron). But thanks to the Witch the Vandals catch up with them, so Tarkan and the Main Fool decide to fight them while the Innkeeper's daughter ride off with Attila's son. However she is killed by a magic spider web, so the Witch takes Attila's son. Tarkan follow her tracks to... wait, this landscape is awfully familiar. This is the same place the Witch in the 1970 movie lurked in. It's THE SAME WITCH! She seem to have recovered remarkably well from death. So, at the Witch's place Tarkan fight a dude made of pure gold, whose weakness it that his eyes are real.
Oh, my, did the Witch just RAPE TARKAN??!!

So Tarkan is brainwashed by the Witch and ride up to Attila's camp to try to kill him, but fails. Then the Main Fool and Kurt are able to break the hex, and Tarkan is released from the curse, just to escape from his own execution. He joins up with the Main Fool and Kurt again. Meanwhile in Vandal Town the King and the Witch are celebrating. The queen is ousted for being a Prostitute and is killed. The Fools infiltrate Vandal Town and the Party dressed up as Fools!! And then we have the final big brawl: Kurt vs, Snake, Fools vs. Soldiers, Tarkan vs. Everyone. The King, the Vizier and the Witch are all killed (although the Witch might just get better again), and Attila's son is rescued, HOORRAY!!

So it was a great ride again. This time Tarkan had much help from the Fools, in one way making it more realistic, since it was less a One-Man-Show than before. But on the other hand the Fools kind of stole the show, Tarkan couldn't have done it without them. Also Kurt is awesome!!

Lost in Translation: Tarkan and the Silver Saddle (1971) aka Moar Tarkan

Moaar Tarkan. Moar movies I don't understand what's going on in. Moar cheap Turkish escapism. Yes, once again I watch a Tarkan movie there are no English subtitles to. Once again we will enter the world of the Hunnish warrior and his dog Kurt.

Once again we open up with a map showing the Hunns arriving in Europe, but this time it zooms in at the Caspian Sea area where this movie takes place. We start with a Hunnic fortification in the desert and a man that might be Attila the Hun coming to visit it (he's in that case not played by the same actor as in the last movie). This man has a blonde woman with him, who might be his sister, daughter or wife or something, who's a sorceress. With the help of a medallion this sorceress put a hex on a Muscle Man who falls in love with her. Under her influence the Muscle Man attacks some other people's fort alone and is caught. So those other people, who I think are supposed to be Alans or something, since I thought I heard that word being mentioned at some point torture the Muscle Man and leave him in the desert to die. The Hunns find him though and somehow he become their leader. He get a wife and a newborn son who is called Tarkan. So this movie is a prequel! Telling the Origin Story of Tarkan!

About the art style of all the Tarkan movies, they are very colorful and comic bookish, in such a way it seems a little silly. Anyway, shortly thereafter the Alans are invited to a celebration by the Hunns, probably due to some diplomatic negotiations. But the Alans betray the Hunns and kill everyone at their fort, except little Tarkan who now is raised by dogs. Some years later Tarkan is a boy and together with his dog brother (Kurt!) he is caught in a village where they tried to steal some sheep. A one-armed Hun who wanders to the village recognize him though due to the Wolf medallion he wears. The One- Armed Man thus help Tarkan and Kurt escapes, and he raises Tarkan. Then an annoyingly loud narrator says something I can't understand a word of, but it seems the wars between the Alans and the Hunns continue to rage on, and the Blond Sorceress from earlier are now some kind of powerful queen among the Alans.

Tarkan grows to adulthood, and start to explore the World. We see some Hunns lead by a silly looking man who probably has escaped from the Asterix comics kidnap some girls and take them to an inn for some raping. Tarkan of course appear and save the girls and kill the Silly Looking Man. One of the girls seem to have a thing for him, but Tarkan does not get pussy tonight, because suddenly the door open and the One Armed Man stumbles in with his back filled with arrows. Tarkan is of for some revenge. Tarkan hunts down the people who killed the One Armed Man and kills them, but is several times caught himself, but his loyal dog Kurt always saves his ass. Tarkan also find and kill a man wearing Leopard Skin who was present when Tarkan's family was killed all those years ago. Soon the Blonde Sorceress tries to bewitch Tarkan too, and sends him down a road that leads to a giant. Tarkan loses against the Giant, and is caught again. Then he escapes from the Sorceress' dungeon, but is caught again in the Throne Room, where the Sorceress have him fight another man with a Wolf Medallion. Tarkan wins, but is put under a spell by a Snake medallion. Kurt saves him again, and Tarkan kills the Sorceress. It then turns out that other man with a Wolf Medallion had been under Mind Control too. However soon after the other Wolf Medallion Man is caught by the leader of the Alans, and is then killed before Tarkan can saves him. But Tarkan kills everyone of the Alans, and thus avenge his people.

I think the Alans in this movie are supposed to be some kind of Russians, considering they look like Cossacks, and seem to like to dance that Cossack dance. Another thing I realized is that the fights were better choreographed than in the last movie, which is very positive. I don't think this one was as strong as the last one, the last one was sure sillier, while this one had a revenge plot. And I think I need more of the silly than the serious when watching a movie I can't understand the language in.

Lost in Translation: Tarkan (1969)

 Lost in Translation is me trying to review a movie in a language I can't understand that doesn't have subtitles in a language I understand and thus I probably miss parts of the story altogether. The reason for this segment is easily explained. I wanted to watch more Tarkan films, but only the Viking one I reviewed last year seem to have Englis subtitles. Thus I decided that I just have to watch without subs, and try to review it anyway.

This is the first Tarkan movie, from 1969. For you who haven't read my last review the Tarkan movies were cheap Turkish Sword and Sorcery movies, mainly made in the 70s about a Hunnish warrior named Tarkan, who served Attila himself. They are fun cheap cheesy action flicks, with amusingly dumb stories. Delicious low brow romps in other words.

The epic Tarkan music already begins in the opening credit, promising a good time. Then there is narration (sigh, can't understand a word) and from the maps and pictures shown I guess it has to do with the Hunns arriving to conquer Europe, but facing heavy resistance from the Romans and the Goths. Then the movie begins with Attila the Hun holding an archery competition, and none of the n00bs can beat Attila's high score, until suddenly a wanderer arrive and beat it even from a greater distance, and of course it's Tarkan. And he has his dog Kurt with him too, like in the Viking movie.

Meanwhile the Roman Emperor appoint a badass Gladiator to kill Tarkan and Attila (I think), and the emperor is also surrounded by two beautiful women, and I think the one with the crown is suppose to be his wife (but could just be his lover too I suppose), and I think the other beautiful woman is supposed to be a servant of the Empress (if she indeed is the Empress). Anyway it's revealed that the Gladiator is doing the Empress (not that smart), but that point don't ever come up in the story again.

Then we see Tarkan beat up some Romans who tried to rape a Hunnish girl. Tarkan seldom say much and never show emotions, but what still makes him work as a movie hero is his intimidating stare. The stare alone show his presence, and make sure everyone knows a Badass has entered the building.
After this little episode we're introduced to the Goths, and we see that their leader is a Brute who likes to kick people. Of course there is also a beautiful blonde Warrior Maiden (not that there is anything "maiden" about her) among the Goths. The weapons in this movie though... man they look plastic. I know this is an old Turkish movie made on a tight budget, but couldn't they have tried to make the weapons look more realistic? Anyway, then we see Tarkan beating up an Innkeeper for some reason, probably because he think the Innkeep is fat or something. After that he makes sweet love to the Innkeeper's daughter. Now that's a REAL MAN. Of course this ends with the Innkeeper calling in the Goths on him. Then we see that the Gladiator is staying at the same Inn and help Tarkan flee. The Innkeeper mad in his anger tries to kill Tarkan, but accidentally kill his daughter instead. Then the Gladiator leads Tarkan into a Roman trap.

So Tarkan is taken to a Roman town and made into a Gladiator, which obviously is a mistake since making him a gladiator just makes him more awesome and manly. Tarkan is then saved by the Empress and shee sleeps with him (she basically sleeps with everyone). The Emperor finally got enough of her infidelity though, and have her and Tarkan hunted by his archers, which leads to the Empress being killed. Tarkan's women dying is a central theme of this movie. After an action scene Tarkan goes to a Brothel which end with a scene where he fights the Gladiator, several Roman soldiers and the Emperor and KILLS THEM ALL (this really happens!!) But the Gladiator must have survived somehow, because he is later killed again at the Goth HQ (at least I think it's the same person, it might be another one who does look alot like him).

After the brothel adventure Tarkan is caught by the Goths. That Warrior Chick is apparently now a queen or something and has Tarkan thrown into the dungeons. Tarkan escapes and kills alot of Goths, which is enough to convince the Goth Warrior Queen to shag him. However they are interrupted when the Goth Leader return (I guess the chick just was leader in his absentia). Then the Goth Leader kills the Warrior Chick. Again, Tarkan's women die. At the end of the movie there's a battle between the Hunns and the Goths again, Tarkan saves the Hunnish girl once more, but never sleeps with her. I think it's because he really cares for her, and knows his women always die. Thus he can never have her since it would mean her demise.

After the battle Tarkan goes to a cave to see some kind of wizard. But the wizard has already been killed by a Goth. There's a battle of course. The Wizard was probably Tarkan's father or teacher or something, because his death actually triggers a slight emotional reaction from Tarkan. Then Tarkan finds Excalibur, uses the Sword of Kings to kill the Goth Leader, and then gives the Magic Sword to Attila (THIS REALLY HAPPENS). And thus this movie end.

This review might seem like just a boring recap, and in a way it is. Lost in Translation will all be about me trying to interpret movies in foreign languages, and write down the story as I understand it with what I get from what's happening in the movie, but not understanding the exposition at all. Like the Viking movie this Tarkan movie was action packed and fun. A cheesy and dumb ridiculous story and a lot of action. What's not to like?

B- Movie Review: Tarkan vs. the Vikings 1971

This time I review a Turkish movie from the 70s, because why not. Not that I have ever been in Turkey, can speak a word Turkish or even know shit about Turkish culture. That doesn't mean I can't make fun of it. Ha!

Tarkan vs. the Vikings begin when we see a ship full of BDSM Vikings that are into whipping naked men. The Vikings travel in longboats made by IKEA, and they look more like Asterix characters than vikings. There are so many colors involved that I swear their clothes and their weapons are made of candy. So the vikings lead by Toro, who's probably a Spanish Viking or something, attack the castle of the Hunns. In the castle there are also the princess and her boyfriend the one-man-army Tarkan, and his two dogs. Tarkan is a hero because he HAS AN AWESOME MUSTACHE!!  Mustache can really tell you the character of a man. REAL MEN HAS AWESOME MUSTACHES! Anyway, the vikings attack and not even Tarkan can stop them from killing one of his dogs (although it was clear that the dog was still alive, so it didn't really convince me at all. Bad acting dog!!) and kidnap his princess girlfriend. And indeed, real vikings hit small children in the head with a plastic axe!!

However the plot gets complicated when it's revealed that the vikings work together with a beautiful femme fatale Chinese ambassador (who doesn't reaaly look Chinese, but whatever), who has her own agenda. Then there's also a giant octopus monster (that look quite ridiculous, but hey it's a Turkish film from the 70s) and a beautiful viking warrior princess who command her own ship of viking bitches. The villain, Toro has a great villain laugh and we get treated to such nice things as drunken viking rape parties. Tarkan is of course a lucky bastard and get to cheat on his girlfriend both with the Chinese agent and with the viking princess, and she doesn't even really care. That's how a true girlfriend should behave. One thing is stupid though, when they torture some women prisoners to find out which of them is the princess, she finally reveal herself because she couldn't stand the torture of her kinswomen any longer. Then they asked for proof that she was who she claimed to be, and she showed them her ring that had the royal symbol. Couldn't they have checked her ring in the first place? Stupid vikings!

The battles are nice, but it's a pity there are no blood in them. Turkey, I am disappointed!!

All in all, it was a fun mindless action movie, and I wonder if there are more Tarkan movies or similar. This movie was silly, but fun, and I recommend you all watching it if you're into silly foreign language movies (yes, they speak Turkish, learn to read subtitles bitches). If I can find more Tarkan movies or other similar ones I will probably review them at some point in the future.