Lost in Translation: Tarkan (1969)

 Lost in Translation is me trying to review a movie in a language I can't understand that doesn't have subtitles in a language I understand and thus I probably miss parts of the story altogether. The reason for this segment is easily explained. I wanted to watch more Tarkan films, but only the Viking one I reviewed last year seem to have Englis subtitles. Thus I decided that I just have to watch without subs, and try to review it anyway.

This is the first Tarkan movie, from 1969. For you who haven't read my last review the Tarkan movies were cheap Turkish Sword and Sorcery movies, mainly made in the 70s about a Hunnish warrior named Tarkan, who served Attila himself. They are fun cheap cheesy action flicks, with amusingly dumb stories. Delicious low brow romps in other words.

The epic Tarkan music already begins in the opening credit, promising a good time. Then there is narration (sigh, can't understand a word) and from the maps and pictures shown I guess it has to do with the Hunns arriving to conquer Europe, but facing heavy resistance from the Romans and the Goths. Then the movie begins with Attila the Hun holding an archery competition, and none of the n00bs can beat Attila's high score, until suddenly a wanderer arrive and beat it even from a greater distance, and of course it's Tarkan. And he has his dog Kurt with him too, like in the Viking movie.

Meanwhile the Roman Emperor appoint a badass Gladiator to kill Tarkan and Attila (I think), and the emperor is also surrounded by two beautiful women, and I think the one with the crown is suppose to be his wife (but could just be his lover too I suppose), and I think the other beautiful woman is supposed to be a servant of the Empress (if she indeed is the Empress). Anyway it's revealed that the Gladiator is doing the Empress (not that smart), but that point don't ever come up in the story again.

Then we see Tarkan beat up some Romans who tried to rape a Hunnish girl. Tarkan seldom say much and never show emotions, but what still makes him work as a movie hero is his intimidating stare. The stare alone show his presence, and make sure everyone knows a Badass has entered the building.
After this little episode we're introduced to the Goths, and we see that their leader is a Brute who likes to kick people. Of course there is also a beautiful blonde Warrior Maiden (not that there is anything "maiden" about her) among the Goths. The weapons in this movie though... man they look plastic. I know this is an old Turkish movie made on a tight budget, but couldn't they have tried to make the weapons look more realistic? Anyway, then we see Tarkan beating up an Innkeeper for some reason, probably because he think the Innkeep is fat or something. After that he makes sweet love to the Innkeeper's daughter. Now that's a REAL MAN. Of course this ends with the Innkeeper calling in the Goths on him. Then we see that the Gladiator is staying at the same Inn and help Tarkan flee. The Innkeeper mad in his anger tries to kill Tarkan, but accidentally kill his daughter instead. Then the Gladiator leads Tarkan into a Roman trap.

So Tarkan is taken to a Roman town and made into a Gladiator, which obviously is a mistake since making him a gladiator just makes him more awesome and manly. Tarkan is then saved by the Empress and shee sleeps with him (she basically sleeps with everyone). The Emperor finally got enough of her infidelity though, and have her and Tarkan hunted by his archers, which leads to the Empress being killed. Tarkan's women dying is a central theme of this movie. After an action scene Tarkan goes to a Brothel which end with a scene where he fights the Gladiator, several Roman soldiers and the Emperor and KILLS THEM ALL (this really happens!!) But the Gladiator must have survived somehow, because he is later killed again at the Goth HQ (at least I think it's the same person, it might be another one who does look alot like him).

After the brothel adventure Tarkan is caught by the Goths. That Warrior Chick is apparently now a queen or something and has Tarkan thrown into the dungeons. Tarkan escapes and kills alot of Goths, which is enough to convince the Goth Warrior Queen to shag him. However they are interrupted when the Goth Leader return (I guess the chick just was leader in his absentia). Then the Goth Leader kills the Warrior Chick. Again, Tarkan's women die. At the end of the movie there's a battle between the Hunns and the Goths again, Tarkan saves the Hunnish girl once more, but never sleeps with her. I think it's because he really cares for her, and knows his women always die. Thus he can never have her since it would mean her demise.

After the battle Tarkan goes to a cave to see some kind of wizard. But the wizard has already been killed by a Goth. There's a battle of course. The Wizard was probably Tarkan's father or teacher or something, because his death actually triggers a slight emotional reaction from Tarkan. Then Tarkan finds Excalibur, uses the Sword of Kings to kill the Goth Leader, and then gives the Magic Sword to Attila (THIS REALLY HAPPENS). And thus this movie end.

This review might seem like just a boring recap, and in a way it is. Lost in Translation will all be about me trying to interpret movies in foreign languages, and write down the story as I understand it with what I get from what's happening in the movie, but not understanding the exposition at all. Like the Viking movie this Tarkan movie was action packed and fun. A cheesy and dumb ridiculous story and a lot of action. What's not to like?