B- Movie Review: Steel Dawn (1987)

I'm back with a fresh new review. And it's a Patrick Swayze movie. So I wish you all a Patrick Swayze spring! Anyways, Steel Dawn is a movie that is supposed to happen in Postapocalyptica. Postapocalyptica is that country north of Australia that's full of desert and always seem to have been through some kind of war. And they dress funny.

Anyways the opening credits are not steel gray! What the ****? It's called Steel Dawn, and they haven't steel colored opening credits. I am disappointed. But it start with Swayze standing on his head. All people know that it's serious business when a man stand on his head. Suddenly he is attacked by these Sand Dudes, but our hero use his blade and his deadly Swayze- Fu to disperse the Sand Jerks. When traveling in Postapocalyptica one must be careful not to be attacked by an old bold Chinese guy from behind. Anyways, if the Chinese guy happen to be your old teacher it's okay.

So Swayze's old Chinese teacher is killed by a guy with terrible hair. That hair is seriously trolling me, so his name has to be Troll Hair. Troll Hair seems at start to be the laziest villain ever, but he's in fact the only good thing in this movie. So Swayze wanders through the desert a LOOOONG time, I swear, it has to be close to 5 minutes. For some reason a dog start following him, but that plot point is dropped when the dog for some reason leave when he reach a settlement. There Swayze meet Obvious Loveinterest, her son Annoying Kid (played by Brett Hool, probably the son of the director Lance Hool). He also meet Giant McSidekick, who's also killed by Troll Hair. So Swayze start to work on Obvious Loveinterest's farm, and is dragged into a water dispute between the farmers and Troll Hair's boss Douchy McAsshole. McAsshole is okay, but he lacks a good villain laugh. So Swayze must in the end face Troll Hair in a real Mortal Kombat, with swords and stuff. In the end Troll Hair is quite awesome, but otherwise, this movie is BORING. I can't describe it any other way, it's terribly BORING. I really can't recommend this one. Not even Troll Hair can save it, and really, he's just the least boring stuff of many things utterly, completely boring.

So yeah, pass on this one. There are more interesting movies about the magical land of Postapocalyptica, and I will review some of them in the future.