Double Feature Review: Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet (2005) vs. Dinosaur Valley Girls

So in this review series called Double Feature Reviews I will review too movies with similar names, that doesn't necessarily has anything to do with each other. They can even be from completely different genres, such as the two movies I'm reviewing today. However there are some similarities between these two: both have shitty stop-motion dinosaurs and both have BOOBS!

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet is a 2005 soft-core lesbian porn. It's written and directed by William Hellfire, who has the coolest surname ever. I wish my surname was Hellfire. You know this is a porn from the cast and crew list since even the staff responsible for music and cinematography don't dare to use their real names in the credits. Instead we get amusing shit like Cream Tangerine and Joey Smack. No, I won't show you any pictures you dirty hounds, this is a family site (lol)!
So what this movie can offer are the worst stop-motion dinosaurs I have ever seen (obviously stock-footage) and some fake lesbian sex. Of course this is a soft-core porn, so the real question is of course: how good is the fake sex? Well, it's bad, you could often see how obviously fake it was, heck they even faked the kisses sometimes. Thes sex scenes also felt quite boring and repetitive and completely failed to turn me on. The "story" is that an anthropologist and her lesbian lover (assistant) watch a prehistoric lesbian tribe on a nearby planet from their spaceship (love nest). And the best sex scene is actually their scene and not one with the prehistoric lesbians, who are the stars of this flick. The assistant also has far too many lines of dialog, which is a pity, since she can't act at all. Although some of the sex scenes are pathetic when the porn actresses can't even act that they have sex. The most memorable line of dialog is when the anthropologist in the beginning of the movie says that "you shouldn't miss a moment since you might miss the goal you set for yourself when you purchased this movie". Well if the goal was to get a hard-on you'll miss it anyways! And did we really have to see the stop-motion dinosaur take a shit. Since that was like soo important. Also, there were not really any bikinis, so the title lied, you did get to see a fair share of female nudity though, so that's good. Unfortunately only some of the girls were really attractive.

Ok, so let's do the other one. Dinosaur Valley Girls is a B-movie from 1996 with a lot of sexploitation, BOOBS and stop-motion dinosaurs.so this one actually has a plot. The main character: Tony is played by Jeff Rector. He plays a action movie hero who has been criticized that he can't act and his action movies look fake. That is of course all true, since it is Jeff Rector we are talking about. He has a girlfriend who is the most annoying girlfriend ever, but she has nice tits and a nice ass, so he won't leave her. It also shows early in the movie that our protagonist indeed is a REAL MAN, since he smokes in bed instead of letting that cunt of a girlfriend pester him. Tony is plagued by dreams about some foxy naked women with big BOOBS. They will of course be introduced later in the movie. There's a running gag in the movie that get old quick that he promised his girlfriend and all the other girls he sleep with "little parts" in his movies. It's a sad joke, but I bet the large unnecessary female cast, especially those in the beginning of the movie that don't really add anything got their "little parts" from sleeping with the director. So magic finally get him to Dinosaur Valley where he meet the main love interest called Hea-Thor who is far from the most attractive cave woman in the movie, but she has the biggest BOOBS, and that's why he likes her the best. Tony is a living one-liner machine, who can't speak in anything else than cheesy one-liners. While this could indeed be awesome, most of his lines are depressingly lame. We also meet a pervy dino who rip of Hea-Thor's bra. Bad Dino (lol!). Anyways Hea-Thor introduce Tony to the rest of the tribe (Bar-Bee, Bran-Dee, Mee-Shell, Deb-Bee etc.) There he finally get to get intimate with Hea-Thor, but don't worry, he get to pork most of the rest of the tribe too. However the female tribe a splinter from a tribe that contained both males and females. The males are lead by the "kind of" antagonist Big Mac. Big Mac have several henchmen like Korn-Dag and Bro-Mo and so on. Well, the conclusion is a love conquers all thingy, that you could see from miles away. There are some really good stuff in this movie though. Tony's "Big Mac is the Disease and I am the Cure" line makes one forgive him from his earlier lame lines. There is a stupid, and terribly bad music number in the middle of this movie. I think it should have been cut, since it's not a very good one at all. Also Tony defeat an Allosaur by using movie quotes, and that is awesome.
SPOILERS: The movie end with the males and females moving back together and Tony and Hea-Thor living happily ever after. What a shocker!! /SPOILERS
Well. this movie is not that bad. It's a amusingly dumb bad movie, that you might enjoy if you want to see some bad acting, stupid dialog and glorious BOOBS. Best enjoyed with a 6-pack of beer.

So what did we learn from these movies? Well, that it's manly to smoke in bed for once. That one-liners can be painfully bad some times, but really shine when they have that extra spice of AWESOMENESS. And of course that Hellfire is a kick-ass surname. Well, that's it for now. More reviews coming up in time.