Double Feature Review: This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX vs. Gonad the Barbarian and the Search fo Uranus

This duel is what all people have been waiting for for generations. An epic battle between two different Conan the Barbarian porn spoofs!!! We start with a quite recent Hustler porn spoof and then we take a look at a older Japanese animated one.

So This Ain't Conan the Barbarian is a 2011 Hustler porn spoof based on the original Conan the Barbarian movie (the one with Ahhnold). It pretty much goes through the sexy scenes of the original movie, but remakes them into hardcore porn. It begins with the scene with the slave girl, who is the sexiest girl in this movie, but unfortunately she just have a masturbation scene because Conan is dumb as an oaf it seems, because he doesn't bone her, even though she's practically begging for it. What's wrong with him? The guard wonder if he is blind or deaf, and so does the audience. Of course next Conan meet the witch, and fuck her good. Conan grunt like a Real Barbarian when he does the wenches, and fuck them so hard the whole screen shakes.  I'm really happy about these details, things like that makes me happy. The witch face was cool too, I mean it could have been worse. After the hard fucking and the scary witch face, the witch turns to fire and leaves for no particular reason. Conan meet mr. Sidekick outside, and he has his first line. And he does an awesome Schwarzenegger impression. I would have been really angry if they didn't. Conan isn't Conan without a retarded Austrian accent. The next scene is mr. Sidekick fucking a random wench they meet on the road, and then Conan and the Sidekick meet Valeria. Then we get to see some amazingly bad special effects when we see the snake, and shortly afterwards a scene where the sidekick falls from the roof. This is followed by some more hillarity when Conan get himself drunk in a tavern and fall asleep with his face in a bowl full of soup. THAT'S HOW A REAL MAN DOES IT!!! Even better next Conan, Sidekick and Valeria meet the king. The king is awesome. It seems he's gay, because he comment on Conan's balls, but he's probably bi, because he flirt with Valeria too. Anyways, the king is racist, and is angry because his daughter have ran away with a black guy. This king is great. So next is the Conan fucking Valeria scene, which is the best scene in the movie, as it should be. Then they meet fake Mako, who neither looks nor sounds like Mako. BOOO!!! I want a REAL fake Mako!!! And why doesn't fake Mako get to fuck anyone??? BOOOO!!! Next is Thulsa Doom fucking the Princess. There is a snake transformation, that actually is okay, but no orgy scene?? They must not have afforded enough actors for one.... but still, there ought to be an orgy scene in Thulsa's hideout. I liked the fact that since Thulsa is a snake wizard, he is good with the tongue though. The scene end with Conan, Valeria and Sidekick storming in and Valeria getting killed. Which is unnecessary, since she reappear as a ghost just a few minutes later. Why bother killing her, she could have delivered the same lines anyways. But I really like this version of Thulsa Doom. Everytime the Princess tries to say something he just goes: SHUT UP BITCH!! Now that's how YOU TALK TO A WOMAN!! Thulsa, you're a real man. And his speech is almost as good as the one in the real Conan movie. You can really see Conan getting confused by it. So did I like this move?? Yes, I liked it alot actually. I would have done a few things differently, but it worked well. And the porn was good too, it gave me a boner.

So Gonad the Barbarian and the Search for Uranus has nothing to do with Conan the Barbarian. Is a 30 minute short, and it's old, but I have no info from which year it is. The story is that the evil Gonad the Barbarian and his army of Sexbots are conquering the Universe. That's enough to get me hooked. Gonad's evil scheme consist of kidnapping, raping and torturing virgins from all over the galaxy. Where do I sign up to enlist in that army?? Frigging awesome!! But he's to be stopped by the American Secret Service (ASS) consisting of the agents Pussy Lamore (you gotta love the references), Doctor Jerkoff (lol) and Princess Layme and her boyfriend Dick (although he is not manly enough to be called Dick. He should be the one who's called Pussy). The best thing about this one are the lines. They are all hillarious. Like when Princess Layme first decline to rejoin ASS and says following classic: "No more fucking ASS for me". I love it. Her weapon is a Dildo Lightsaber by the way. Fuck Yeah!! Unfortunately Gonad doesn't look like Conan at all, and that's a little weird. The animation is horrible, and the sex scenes are bad, and there's unfortunately too little sex in it to really shine as a porn spoof. But the lines are hilarious and the movie is worth a watch just because of them. But yeah, This Ain't Conan the Barbarian is waaay much better than Gonad.

So that was the Conan porn spoofs. I might do more of these at some point, but next I'll probably review a B-movie again.