The Adventures of Hercules is one of the many Italian movies that were dubbed to English for an international release. The movie stars Lou Ferrigno, and it's only fitting to review a Ferrigno movie after a Reb Brown film. Ferrigno is cast because he has muscles. That's all. He can't act, but he has muscles and thus he look like Hercules. The movie opens in space during the opening credits. A little bit confusing to see so much of space in a Hercules movie, but there will be much of it through the entire movie. This movie is actually a sequel to another film called Hercules (thus this movie is also called Hercules II), and I will try to find it and review it at some point in the future. During the opening credits you see a montage of Hercules fighting a bunch of robots, either cleaning the Augean stables or cause a genocide (unclear of which), growing to giant size due to a blinking device and finally fighting a Jedi King called Minos. I guess it's a recap of the first movie.
So the movie begins by a couple of duded dragging a woman in chains. At least they know how to treat a woman.. So the woman is sacrificed to a lighting gorilla, by a evil gay priest. This is bad news and two other women decide to do something about it. They ask the "little people", who are some kind of shining thing for advice. Not that they'd need to, it was obvious that what they needed is a MAN. Because women can't do anything without a MAN. A good thing is that the women wear quite skimpy clothes, so at least you have that, because there is loads of long boring dialog in this movie. So the story is that 4 Gods have rebelled against Zeus (Hera, Flora, Aphrodite and Poseidon). They have stolen Zeus' thunderbolts, so now the Moon will crush with the Earth for some reason. Of course that means Zeus have to send Hercules to Earth. Hercules is for some reason just hanging out naked in space. Except it seems he doesn't have a dick. How on Earth can Hercules bone women without a dick?? Boning women is after all part of his job description. Not that he do any of that in this movie, despite being around several beauties. Perhaps he really lost his dick. Hercules back story is also conflicting. In the beginning it's told he's son of the Goddess who created everything, but later he is referred as the son of Zeus, which is more in line with Greek mythology. Also at one point Hercules is referred to as Achilles, and I'm quite certain they were two different persons.
So the story is about Hercules and those two women running around looking for the lighting bolts of Zeus. Then for some reason the rebel Gods resurrect the Jedi King Minos, who then becomes the main villain. Hercules defeat several enemies, including a really hairy dude, a Medusa and Slime People!!! (lol)
Meanwhile King Minos get himself a new magic lightsaber from his ally Daedalus who apparently is the same person as the God Chaos, and is also a woman (none of this is in the Greek mythology I remember). They conspire to use SCIENCE!!!! to take over the world, but that just prove how stupid they are, since they are obviously using magic and not SCIENCE!!!. Anyways, the special effects in this movie are laughable, but on the other hand I didn't expect anything else from a cheap Italian movie from the 80's. And even if it looks bad, the King Kong vs. Godzilla light show still is awesome. And the music is epic. I think the music very well is the best thing in this movie. Because this movie is boring. A lot of bad dialog, that isn't so bad it's awesome, just a borefest. And the fights aren't that impressive. I think if any movie franchise would need a remake it would be Hercules. I mean this movie is boring and the Schwarzenegger flick is just terrible. Why not reboot Hercules with a big Hollywood budget, a muscle man with no acting talent, some ladies with big boobs and skimpy outfits, and some CGI monsters. You'd have a nice summer blockbuster right there that'd still be better than the Clash of the Titans remake. And bring back the Slime People!!!
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