Wednesday, November 21, 2012

B- Movie Review: Tales of an Ancient Empire (2010)

Okay, 28 Years Later they make a sequel. And they really shouldn't have. Because if you don't have a good idea for a sequel even after all these years, then there really shouldn't be one. This is a mess.

First of all the overdramatized rock music is not epic, just distracting and irritating, take away most of the atmosphere and make it impossible to enjoy the scenes. And this fucking music is everywhere. Some of the scenes in the beginning rely too much on close ups and are shot in darkness so you have trouble seeing what's going on, not good. Later scenes are better, and I give this movie this: some of the scenes are very beautifully shot, really good, but it doesn't help. Especially when the dumb rock music destroy all the atmosphere these shots could have given the movie. Who the hell was responsible for the music anyway?

The story, well it's a mess too. Now we have a Vampire story, and a Vampire Sorceress is awakened from her grave by some Grave Robbers. The Vampire Sorceress attacks the kingdom of Abelard and the reigning queen send her half sister Tanis to find the legendary mercenary Talon (from The Sword and the Sorcerer). Talon also happen to be Tanis' father. So Tanis must find her father and his Silly Sword (it's back) before next full moon when the Vampire Sorceress will be able to Destroy the World. Tanis run into Kevin Sorbo! (but not even he can save this film) who is Talon's son and then they run into another sister, and then another and her daughter (even though they appear to be the same age). Then they go to the village where Talon is supposed to be, and we do see some Talon and the silly sword action in the end (even though he is masked, so it probably isn't Lee Horsley who play him, because then they'd show his face). And that's it. It ends abruptly there.

Ok, there's the totally unnecessary B-story about that servant girl who became a vampire and went hunting for Tanis. Totally not needed, didn't add anything, except a useless secondary villain that stole the plot. And the worst part is they could have made it better. They had obviously shot more scenes, there is a teaser at the end. So why the hell did they release a HALF MOVIE! They should have cut the servant girl subplot altogether and focused on getting a finished product released. This half baked piece of shit is not worth the "sequel to the Sword and the Sorcerer" title. Not that the original movie is that great, but it deserved better than this. Kevin Sorbo (and a random monkey we see for a second or so) are the best things about this movie, and we certainly deserved more Sorbo than we got. I guess they hoped to make some kind of series of movies, or perhaps make this a pilot (had that feel now and then), but something this poorly done, will not produce a public that want more. And the division of the story in chapters or as they called it "tales" just destroyed the flow (not that the flow in this movie was good anyway). THIS SUCKED. Sucked hard. Not even Sorbo could save it.

Addendum: Worst CGI ever. Sucked hard. The kind you can only get if you don't pay your artist (which is likely in this scenario). Shitty CGI city, shitty cgi boat, and the worst shitty cgi blood ever. The good thing with pink CGI blood is that your sword don't get bloody when you hack vampires to pieces with it.

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