Today we are taking another look at the 80's Sword and Sorcery craze, and what's a better movie to do that with than the movie that actually have both sword and sorcerer in the title?
During the opening credits you might want to try to listen what the sailor is screaming about. You never see him, but surely he's hiding somewhere behind the opening screen, since you sure hear him. And we have a Useless Narrator narrating obvious, useless stuff! Oh, how I have missed thee! So the story begins with an asshole forcing an ugly witch to resurrect an smelly mofo from the grave through some black magic mojo jojo, and the smelly mofo turn out to be a undead snake sorcerer (like resurrecting an undead snake sorcerer has ever been a good idea). The asshole who woke him up turns out to be Titus Cromwell, king of Eruworm, and he want the sorcerer's help to conquer the richest kingdom in the world, he claims he has lost several battles against King Richard's army, so he need black magic assistance (and these things always end well, right?).
Then we see Eidan, the richest kingdom in the World celebrating 20 years of peace. Not that it makes any sense whatsoever, since Cromwell claimed having lost several battles to King Richard so clearly they have not enjoyed 20 years of peace. Anyways, we learn that Cromwell has attacked and beaten King Richard's armies. Then Cromwell betrays the Undead Snake Sorcerer (I think he's called Schuss or Schwuss or something). And of course the only more brilliant thing to do besides waking up an Undead Snake Sorecerer, is betraying one. Well, Cromwell kills King Richard, but his family tries to flee, not that it matters, Cromwell easily have the queen and prince Henry killed too, and princess Elizabeth captured. Prince Talon manage to escape though, and he has the Silly Sword! Seriously it's a really stupid thing, it's supposed to be some kind of mix between a sword and a projectile weapon. It's dumb, look shitty and wouldn't really work at all in reality. Anyways, Talon (played by Lee Horsey) escapes, and 11 years later he returns to Eidan, now as a leader of a mercenary band.
Meanwhile in a stinking cave the Sorceror is also planning his revenge, and in Eidan Lord Micah and his sister Allana (the son and daughter of King Richard's main advisor) are raising a rebellion against Cromwell. So things are about to get tense. But Micah and Allana are betrayed, and Micah is captured, and Allana saved by Talon from a rape. Then Talon promises to free Micah in exchange for a good shag. And thus the adventure begins!!
It's a fun movie, and surprisingly good. The actors are not that good, but it's neither terrible nor boring acting. The stock footage used for Eidan is a little bit distracting, since it's obviously ripped from a Bible movie. It looks like movie Jerusalem! Cromwell is a great villain, and Talon is amusing as the kind of easygoing, more selfish and careless kind of hero. And, OMG, this movie has dangerous KILLER RATS!! Of course in the end Cromwell and the Sorcerer are both defeated, and Talon gets his shag, but it was an entertaining ride to get there. Micah become king, and Talon and his Merry Band rides of on new adventures. Then they promise Talon will be back in Tales of an Ancient Empire. Which of course was a sequel never made....or wait, it actually was made, in 2010! Wow, this could be interesting. Sequel made 28 Years Later!! Ok, has to check it out!
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