B- Movie Review: The Invincible Barabrian (1982)

 Ha, this movie has an alternate title called Gunan, the Barbarian, but there's no Gunan in it. It's also a spaghetti movie, which means it's actually made in the Spaghetti Republic, and the actors are spaghetti people who speak spaghetti. The movie is of course dubbed to English, and the actors and actresses get American pseudonyms, so it looks Hollywood although it ain't. So what's this about?
Well, first of all the Title Credit will hurt your brain because of it's bright red text. If your brain is already hurt a few seconds in it's certainly a good sign. However there's that stupid boring narrator millennium that, illumination this, something about stars and chosen ones. Just boring, he should shut up. But then.... holy stock footage Jesus!! Dinosaurs, and everyone knows dinosaurs are the best ninjas!! Of course the dinosaurs have no importance to the plot, and we won't see them again, so it was kind of pointless.

Anyways, the movie begin with a woman giving birth, while her husband The Stupid One would rather be in the pub getting drunk. But then the slowest raiders ever attack the village just as the children are born, yes it's twins. The Stupid One quickly gives them to a old crone who escapes while the Slow Raiders attack. The Slow Raiders are lead by a fat man called Evil Fatto. And of course Evil Fatto kills The Stupid One and his wife.

The old hag collapses and the twins are found by friggin Amazons. Then they're raised in the Amazon village. The Amazons don't age because they know how to make shields, or something like that. Doesn't really make any sense, but they can make shields, and they don't age, and it's also revealed they can't have children. The twins grow up, one has dark hair, and thus he must be evil, while the other is kind of a jerk. There's also something about the natural order being upset because there were twins born, so there is no clarity in who's the Chosen One (apparently there was some kind of prophecy), and thus nature is angry because somehow this is man's fault. Anyways the twins must battle it out so the Amazon witch get to know who's really the Chosen One. The Amazon witch is awesome because she can transform herself into a lion, and she has a snake as pet. The Jerk obviously defeat the Evil Dark Hair, but Dark Hair steals some kind of amulet that belongs to the Chosen One and escapes and goes to find Evil Fatto himself. Dark Hair is then quickly killed off, and Jerk has to seek revenge not only for the murder of his mother but also his father. So it becomes a revenge quest. He also find the love interest Blonde Boobies, and yes, you get to see her boobs. He is able to seduce her just by turning up, which probably is proof enough he's a REAL MAN, because real men don't need to win their women, they throw themselves at them. And this makes the Amazon Witch jealous, and with the power of clichés she betrays Jerk and Blonde Boobies. It's also revealed that Jerk's and Dark Hair's real father is Evil Fatto, who tried to stop the prophecy by attacking their village and killing their mother. Of course the good guys win, and Evil Fatto lose in the end.

This movie was boring, predictable and plain bad. Not even the terribad acting was amusing enough. There's one good reason to watch it though. The boobs!