Munrovember-cember Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972)

Yes, indeed we are going backwards in time for the last part of the Caroline Munro theme. We are going to a time when she didn't played the female lead role yet, but was in the same movie as both Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. It's Hammer Time and it's Dracula A.D. 1972!!







The atmosphere from the start is good with omnious music. You know shit is going to get real and Lee and Cushing will duke it out! And it opens with them fighting. Hooray! The first thing you see is Lee and Cushing trying to strangle each other!  That's how you start a movie! And they are fighting on top of a moving cart. Fuck Yeah!! And Dracula get wheeled! Let's just say it's a different take on the whole wooden stick through heart thingy. So, wait, both Lee and Cushing dies in the first 5 minutes, nooooo! Fuck You movie, you don't kill of both Lee and Cushing in the first act! And what's this? Some asshole just stroll in and steal Dracula's ring and ashes. Let dead Christopher Lees rest in peace damn it. Disturbing a dead Chris Lee is never a good idea.

Anyway we leave Oldy Old Times behind and we end up in the 1972 version of London, which is exactly like Real London, except it is in 1972 instead of the Real World. You silly early 70's, the new decade has started and is forming itself, but it hasn't really shook off all of the 60s yet. So we start at a party with young people having fun and old people being angry. Because young people having fun is the worst thing that could ever happen. No crime is worse. We get to learn it's actually the shithead who stole Chris Lee's ashes and his friends who has crashed some party, and they narrowly escape before the police turn up. The shithead and his young crew are all a bunch of assholes with no redeeming qualities. One big problem with modern horror is this formula. Why would you care if a bunch of mean spirited idiots are killed? But of course it fits the setting here, since back in the 70s, everyone was an asshole. They are all also very dumb. Dumb assholes for main characters, oh joy. When the Shithead suggest summoning the devil they are all for it. How fucking moronic can you be? When has ever Summoning the FUCKING DEVIL been a good idea?

Munro plays a girl in the group who is the most supportive of the Shithead, because she has a thing for him. That's really her character. Nothing special really. The main girl is called Jess (played by Stephanie Beacham of Sea Quest fame) and is one of Munro's and the Shithead's friends. Her grandfather is rumored to be an expert on demonology and it turns out it is PETER CUSHING!! But aren't you dead man? Must have been another Cushing who was killed off in the Oldy Old Days. Man this is confusing, and awesome. Multiple Cushings!! So Jess is starting to have second thoughts, just maybe summoning THE DEVIL is not a good idea.

So, we find out that the Shithead's name is Johnny Alucard. Oh I see where this is going, I have played Castlevania. So they start the ceremony to summon the Old Horny One, and it's a fucking seance. Lamest summoning of the Devil ever! And why the Hell is the Shithead orgasming during his chants? Okay, so they need a sacrifice (finally, this is how you summon evil demons), and Jess decline the invitation, but of course Munro accept it, and yes, the Shithead summon Dracula back to life and Munro become his first victim. They killed her off early, too early for my taste, but hey, this is before she become a lead actress.

So yes, the rest of this movie become quite awesome with Cushing having to stop Lee from making his granddaughter his new bride. The Shithead becomes a vampire (wait, how has he lived this long without being one). There is also some police officers, but I don't give a shit about them, since they never do anything important. But the Shithead's involuntary suicide was fucking hilarious. Unfortunately Lee and Cushing don't meet up before the end, but you get a battle between the Titans of Hammer in the end. But the ending is too damn short, we need more Lee vs. Cushing battles. A short one is just anti- climatic.

So this is the end of Munrovember- cember. But man, even if Munro didn't have much screentime it was worth it. And the scene where Lee kill her is sexy as shit. This came out wrong, but damn she's beautiful even in death. And we got Cushing and Lee. That means awesome.

Munrovember-cember: At the Earth's Core (1976)

 Cushing alert! Cushing alert! Cushing alert! Finally a Peter Cushing movie! Also, it seems someone is pissing lava in the opening sequence. How very fitting. Ah. steam locomotives, reminds me of my childhood. Well, the movie start with your typical British rich snobs enjoying watching some hardcore drilling during afternoon tea. Yes, indeed the story is that some rich snob professor and his rich snob American student (played by B-movie legend Doug McClure, and is an American because of his accent) will try to drill themselves through solid rock in a giant Drill Machine, because of Science. Like these bourgeois dimwits would ever be able to drill anything. Cushing is playing a parody of the confused British snob scientist gentleman archetype, and I say it now, Cushing is what makes this movie worth watching. It's clear that he overplays the role on purpose, and it's amazing.

So of course their drill breaks down and crash, because they are dumb snobs who don't know shit about drilling. And they crash in a underground jungle at the Earth's core, because there are lot of underground jungles at the Earth's  core and stuff. And not long after the Rubber Monsters appear! This is Rubber Paradise! There are so many overgrown people in rubber costumes that it itself deserves and Oscar or something.

The first rubber dude is supposed to be a bird or a lizard or something, can't tell for sure. But this movie should be called the Rise of the Rubber Giants or something, because that would be a title that describes this movie well. Soon the dynamic duo is enslaved by the Pig People, because at Earth's Core the Pig People hold humans as slaves. Here we're also introduced to Caroline Munro, who plays the slave girl Dia, who's also a Princess (of course). But even more important: another rubber giant! And this one looks like a rhino-boar-horse thingy. And it start fighting another one! Rubber Giant fight, hooray! So McClure escapes and run into an angry dude and start a fist fight with him in the Cave of the Hentai Tentacle Monster! I'm not kidding, this really happens. The bad guys seem to be Giant Rubber Birdmen, and when they talk everyone get bored. Causing boredom seem to be their special power. But enough about that. Rubber! Rubber! Rubber! A Lizard of Rubber! And Cushing killing a firebreathing rubber monster with bows and arrow. Classic! There's also a human baddie called "The Ugly One". Such a charming name!

Munro is unfortunately not that prominent in this one, she again mostly is eye candy and McClure's obligatory love interest. She also mostly fall into the Damsel in Distress archetype. I'm fine with it, although they could have made her a little tougher. She's supposed to be a native of the Underworld after all. Of course she look beautiful and has a great revealing outfit. Anything else would be a waste of her talents.

As I said before Cushing is the reason to watch this movie. He is great. He overact the role deliciously. The scenes without him seem a little boring actually. The ending is also a little bit of a downer. But all in all, a fun watch. A mindless adventure flick with some Munro eyecandy and some Cushing glory. What's not to like?

Munrovember-cember: Captain Kronos- Vampire Hunter (1974)

 Yes, we continue the Munro theme with some Hammer goodness. And by that I of course mean a 70's vampire movie made by the legendary studio known for, well 70's vampire movies of course! The movie begins with a young innocent girl being attacked by a vampire! How original! But it is with a twist! Instead of the victims dying or becoming vampire from the bite, they just age alot. Of course they die moments later, but still. You see, there are many species of vampire, and this one drain the youth of it's victims in order to stay young.

So, then we are introduced to the Captain himself. Captain Kronos is a war veteran (since it's oldie old times it could be the Crimean War or the Taiping rebellion or something) who ride around with his hunchback sidekick and kill vampires, and is just all in all an awesome dude. He is played by German actor Horst Janson (more German name than that

 doesn't exist).  His sidekick is called Professor Grust and is played by John Cater, one of those "that guy" actors you often see playing minor roles on British television. Anyway the soon find Munro, who plays Carla, who is a devious criminal who has committed the most un- Christian of acts, namely dancing on a Sunday! Munro and Kronos of course quickly become lovers. The trio meet up with Dr. Marcus, an old friend of Kronos from the war, who called Kronos and Grust there in order to tackle the vampire

 threat in his village.

Holy Shit! Victim number two not only got old, she became a dude!! But yes, this movie has a quite high body count with a quite active vampire hunting the young and innocent. And even if you quickly get to know from where the vampire comes, and to which group of people it belong, the movie still manage to throw out enough red herrings for you not to be sure which of the suspects is the vampire before the very end of the movie.

Munro once again play the token girl, the obligatory love interest, and her role is once again pretty much just to look beautiful. There is nothing wrong with that. She looks stunning as usual. The acting in this movie is not spectacular. It's not wooden, but neither really memorable. Probably because the director and the screenwriter didn't give the actors something that challenging to do. Still the movie is quite enjoyable. You however don't really get to know Captain Kronos that well, which is a pity, the movie is about him. You are left wanting to know more about him and see more of his adventures. It's really a pity there were no sequels. All in all the movie played it quite safe. An enjoyable watch, but nothing really memorable. Maybe that's why Hammer never did a Kronos 2. Still, I can recommend a watch, it's not bad, just not so good that it's worth more than one look.

Munrovember-cember: The Golden Voyyage of Sinbad (1973)

Last year I reviewed Star Crash with Caroline Munro. Now I will take a look at a couple of movies with her from the 70s, not just B-movies. Caroline Munro is perhaps most known for playing a secondary Bond Girl in The Spy who Loved Me in 1977 (the one where Barbara Bach played Agent Amasova as the main Bond Girl). But I won't review that one. Instead I will review some other movies with her. Caroline Munro is the best kind of actress, the one that is absolutely beautiful. And in her youth she was usually cast just for that reason. So let's take a look at the Golden Voyage of Sinbad from 1973!

Ah, classic cinema, grand openings, non- cgi boats and soothing music. In this movie John Philip Law plays the Arab sea captain who always hunger for new adventures. Yes, we have a bunch of white people playing Arabs. Hooray for RACISM! Anyway the movie begin with some shitty little thing flying above Sinbad's boat while making annoying sounds. Understandably a sailor decide to try to shoot it, which causes it to drop a amulet it was carrying. Sinbad take the amulet which make him hallucinate about Caroline Munro, man I want those hallucinations. Then the ship is hit by a storm which takes it off it's course. They end up in a small island country where Sinbad goes to find the girl of his dreams.

Of course adventure wait just around the corner. The sultan is dead and Sinbad and the Grand Vizier has to travel to distant lands to find the other pieces of the amulet, before the sorcerer Prince Evil (played by the Tom Baker, the 4th Doctor himself).

Sinbad also is joined by a young slacker, the son of a Innkeeper. The Innkeeper beg Sinbad to take the Slacker with him and make him a REAL MAN. And of course Sinbad is also joined by Caroline Munro, who plays the slave girl Margiana. Munro's role in this movie is not much more than to look beautiful and wear revealing outfits, but by Allah, that's what she's best at. She is gorgeous!

This movie uses very good stop motion animation. You don't see much of that anymore with all the cgi. CGI can be both good and bad, and it has it's clear advantages. But I miss the great craft that was good stop motion.

So Sinbad travel to an island where he come across a Savage Tribe that worship the Hindu Goddess Kali. And my, they are probably managing to insult every ethnicity there ever was all at the same time with this. All as it should be. They also run into the Cyclop that in this movie is a Cycltaur, a weird mix of a Cyclop and a Centaur. Roc is in this movie not a big bird, but a Griffin! And of course the Cycltaur and the Griffin fight, as is the tradition of stop motion monsters.

All in all a enjoyable film. Of course it can't escape some criticism. It doesn't take any risk. It plays all stereotypes straight, and even though enjoyable also very forgettable. No real exceptional acting, no real interesting story twists or characters that break the norms. But for what it is, a non- bad Hollywood cash-in movie it's definitely worth a watch, mostly to drool over Caroline Munro in that sexy outfit of course.

B- Movie Review: Tales of an Ancient Empire (2010)

Okay, 28 Years Later they make a sequel. And they really shouldn't have. Because if you don't have a good idea for a sequel even after all these years, then there really shouldn't be one. This is a mess.

First of all the overdramatized rock music is not epic, just distracting and irritating, take away most of the atmosphere and make it impossible to enjoy the scenes. And this fucking music is everywhere. Some of the scenes in the beginning rely too much on close ups and are shot in darkness so you have trouble seeing what's going on, not good. Later scenes are better, and I give this movie this: some of the scenes are very beautifully shot, really good, but it doesn't help. Especially when the dumb rock music destroy all the atmosphere these shots could have given the movie. Who the hell was responsible for the music anyway?

The story, well it's a mess too. Now we have a Vampire story, and a Vampire Sorceress is awakened from her grave by some Grave Robbers. The Vampire Sorceress attacks the kingdom of Abelard and the reigning queen send her half sister Tanis to find the legendary mercenary Talon (from The Sword and the Sorcerer). Talon also happen to be Tanis' father. So Tanis must find her father and his Silly Sword (it's back) before next full moon when the Vampire Sorceress will be able to Destroy the World. Tanis run into Kevin Sorbo! (but not even he can save this film) who is Talon's son and then they run into another sister, and then another and her daughter (even though they appear to be the same age). Then they go to the village where Talon is supposed to be, and we do see some Talon and the silly sword action in the end (even though he is masked, so it probably isn't Lee Horsley who play him, because then they'd show his face). And that's it. It ends abruptly there.

Ok, there's the totally unnecessary B-story about that servant girl who became a vampire and went hunting for Tanis. Totally not needed, didn't add anything, except a useless secondary villain that stole the plot. And the worst part is they could have made it better. They had obviously shot more scenes, there is a teaser at the end. So why the hell did they release a HALF MOVIE! They should have cut the servant girl subplot altogether and focused on getting a finished product released. This half baked piece of shit is not worth the "sequel to the Sword and the Sorcerer" title. Not that the original movie is that great, but it deserved better than this. Kevin Sorbo (and a random monkey we see for a second or so) are the best things about this movie, and we certainly deserved more Sorbo than we got. I guess they hoped to make some kind of series of movies, or perhaps make this a pilot (had that feel now and then), but something this poorly done, will not produce a public that want more. And the division of the story in chapters or as they called it "tales" just destroyed the flow (not that the flow in this movie was good anyway). THIS SUCKED. Sucked hard. Not even Sorbo could save it.

Addendum: Worst CGI ever. Sucked hard. The kind you can only get if you don't pay your artist (which is likely in this scenario). Shitty CGI city, shitty cgi boat, and the worst shitty cgi blood ever. The good thing with pink CGI blood is that your sword don't get bloody when you hack vampires to pieces with it.

B- Movie Review: The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Today we are taking another look at the 80's Sword and Sorcery craze, and what's a better movie to do that with than the movie that actually have both sword and sorcerer in the title?

During the opening credits you might want to try to listen what the sailor is screaming about. You never see him, but surely he's hiding somewhere behind the opening screen, since you sure hear him. And we have a Useless Narrator narrating obvious, useless stuff! Oh, how I have missed thee! So the story begins with an asshole forcing an ugly witch to resurrect an smelly mofo from the grave through some black magic mojo jojo, and the smelly mofo turn out to be a undead snake sorcerer (like resurrecting an undead snake sorcerer has ever been a good idea).  The asshole who woke him up turns out to be Titus Cromwell, king of Eruworm, and he want the sorcerer's help to conquer the richest kingdom in the world, he claims he has lost several battles against King Richard's army, so he need black magic assistance (and these things always end well, right?).

Then we see Eidan, the richest kingdom in the World celebrating 20 years of peace. Not that it makes any sense whatsoever, since Cromwell claimed having lost several battles to King Richard so clearly they have not enjoyed 20 years of peace. Anyways, we learn that Cromwell has attacked and beaten King Richard's armies. Then Cromwell betrays the Undead Snake Sorcerer (I think he's called Schuss or Schwuss or something). And of course the only more brilliant thing to do besides waking up an Undead Snake Sorecerer, is betraying one. Well, Cromwell kills King Richard, but his family tries to flee, not that it matters, Cromwell easily have the queen and prince Henry killed too, and princess Elizabeth captured. Prince Talon manage to escape though, and he has the Silly Sword! Seriously it's a really stupid thing, it's supposed to be some kind of mix between a sword and a projectile weapon. It's dumb, look shitty and wouldn't really work at all in reality. Anyways, Talon (played by Lee Horsey) escapes, and 11 years later he returns to Eidan, now as a leader of a mercenary band.

Meanwhile in a stinking cave the Sorceror is also planning his revenge, and in Eidan Lord Micah and his sister Allana (the son and daughter of King Richard's main advisor) are raising a rebellion against Cromwell. So things are about to get tense. But Micah and Allana are betrayed, and Micah is captured, and Allana saved by Talon from a rape. Then Talon promises to free Micah in exchange for a good shag. And thus the adventure begins!!

It's a fun movie, and surprisingly good. The actors are not that good, but it's neither terrible nor boring acting. The stock footage used for Eidan is a little bit distracting, since it's obviously ripped from a Bible movie. It looks like movie Jerusalem! Cromwell is a great villain, and Talon is amusing as the kind of easygoing, more selfish and careless kind of hero. And, OMG, this movie has dangerous KILLER RATS!! Of course in the end Cromwell and the Sorcerer are both defeated, and Talon gets his shag, but it was an entertaining ride to get there. Micah become king, and Talon and his Merry Band rides of on new adventures. Then they promise Talon will be back in Tales of an Ancient Empire. Which of course was a sequel never made....or wait, it actually was made, in 2010! Wow, this could be interesting. Sequel made 28 Years Later!! Ok, has to check it out!

B- Movie Review: Troma's Father's Day (2011)

Indeed, it's Troma time again, and this time a recent movie. That this movie has quality is already revealed by the smooth music in the opening scene. And we soon get to know this movie's antagonist, a cannibalistic gay rapist who likes to kill, rape and eat fathers. And he eat his human flesh raw, Eww, everyone knows human meat can only be enjoyed Well Done. But all is not lost, Gunshot McCool is after him, and he's a great character because he has an eyepatch. (Actually his name is Ahab, and it's some kind of Moby Dick reference, but seriously, Ahab is a lame name). And then Gunshot McCool runs the fucking killer over with a car, because the killer is a LIBERAL PUSSY who don't have a car, so Gunshot goes all TRUE AMERICAN WAY over him and run him over, as is his duty. And he has a great catchphrase too: Happy Father's Day!

But several years later the Father's Day killer is back. We also meet Shitface Slacker, a young man whose father has been killed and who make his living by sucking dick and robbing his customers. And he's an annoying little shit who is all about "Leave me alone" and "You don't fucking understand". Seriously, buy a life. And then the young Shitface is harassed by a pervy priest. And the pervy priest then get a mission to find Gunshot McCool, and bring him back to take on the Father's Day killer, also called Fuckman! Who could have known such an outstanding superhero like Fuckman could become a GAY RAPIST CANNIBAL KILLER!!!

Other characters are Sleazy (yes, that's her name) who's Gunshot's ex- girlfriend and runs a strip club. Gunshot's sister also work at that club. There's also an asshole police officer who is very good at pissing people of with his, well, assholish behaviour. And then it turns out Fuckman lead a religious cult where they worship something called Fuckmannacus.

Yes, this is an awesome movie. The dialogue is hilarious. The green screen effects look like shit, and the story is dumb as fuck, but still has many really head scratching turns and twists. I can deeply recommend this one, it's like the perfect bad movie delicacy. And it has a lot of gore and nudity too. Oh Troma, your movies has such class!

B- Movie Review: Hammer of the Gods (2009)

It's a while since I reviewed a SyFy movie. And yes, it's alternate title is actually Thor: Hammer of the Gods. This does indeed mean SyFy was able to rip off the Thor movie two years before the Thor movie was released. This must be some kind of record. I suspect time travelling. Of course SyFy and Asylum later made another Thor rip off in the shitfest: Almighty Thor. In my opinion the best Thor movie is still the craptastic Tor the Conqueror, a true classic of shitty cinema. But back to this little jewel.

It begins with a boring narrator with some kind of dufus accent saying a lot of boring stuff I don't give a shit about. And it seems like Thor in this movie is just a normal viking, and not really a bright one. In fact he is kind of a dumbass. Then there are his two brothers: Goldilock, who is their leader and the Bald One, who is evil, because everyone knows all bald people are evil. And for some reason there are women on the ship, and the women are not slaves, in fact they are Goldilock's and Bald One's girlfriends, WTF! When you go viking you leave your girlfriends home. That' just like the general rule. How will they be able to murder, rape, pillage and whore now?

Anyway, the Bald One's girlfriend is named Sif, the same as Thor's wife in the myths, so there is already foreshadowing. The actor playing Thor is also the worst actor in this movie. Why did they pick him to play Thor again? He is also the blandest of the bland. I would rather see the Bald One win, he is much more amusing with his constant over acting and over the top shouting and screaming. But of course Thor kills him in the end. And the real evils in this movie are the Werewolves they run into on an island. Even the first time you see the werewolves you realize this is the shittiest CGI ever. And when you seem them clearly for the first time, after half the movie already have passed.... yeah, they look really bad. Worst werewolves I've ever seen. The plot is about finding a badass hammer, because they need it to kill the werewolves for some reason, even though they perfectly kill the werewolves with their conventional weapons already. There is also some epic music playing, but fortunately not much of it. This movie does not deserve epic music. And the green screen was quite obvious. They weren't even able to find a real forrest.

Yes, this movie sucks. Sucks really badly. Even Almighty Thor is much better. However the concept of Vikings vs. Werewolves (which this movie should have been named) is not a bad one. I hope they remake it to a badass mindless action flick, because Vikings beating the shit out of werewolves in a real movie would be fucking awesome.

B- Movie review: Equalizer 2000 (1987)

Yes, I'm tired of Cavemen. Now let's check out some Hardcore Action. This movie begin with a spinning rifle. Spinning rifles are Hardcore! Geographically I'm a little bit confused though. They say it is postapocalyptic Alaska. I had no idea Alaska was a part of Postapocalyptica. I always though it was a part of the US, Canada or Russia or something like that. Didn't Palin say she could see Putin from her house?

Anyway this movie has several awesomely bad fire fights that usually happen for no apparent good reason.Yes, this is one of those movies where everyone is using the unlimited ammo cheat. Oh hooray for bad action flicks! The name is probably wrong though. It should be called Wooden Acting the Movie!! And why is it called 2000 when it's made in 1987. Doesn't really make any sense at all. The Postapocalyptic sure dress weird too, they are probably quite confused about their sexuality if you know what I mean. Wait, there is a woman in this sausage fest? Well, she doesn't need to worry about getting raped.... wait... seriously.... these dudes are straight? Everyone dresses in tight leather or silly uniforms, often unbuttoned, and I'm supposed to believe they are straight? Postapocalyptica sure is a weird place.

Also this movie has Richard Norton, and that's awesome! And the girl is good looking too. Yes, she's one of those girls, who take the payment, but robs your wallet afterwards. The dangerous sort. This movie is about Richard Norton shooting people with that bad ass gun you see on the poster. And surely that's all you need in a movie. You see, the gun thing is not about killing people. It's about self esteem. Any man would feel much more secure if he can fire a gun in all direction, scream, and kill some random people. Good sport. This movie also have Indians, which mean it's racist, because Indians always means racism.

The plot? It had something to do with oil. I'm not really interested in politics.
If you want a mindless action movie with straight men dressed like gays, shooting each other, then Equalizer 2000 is FUCKING AWESOME!!

B- Movie Review: A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (1991)

We're getting to the classy stuff. I am reviewing a movie from the legandary Troma production company. This can't be anything else than a higher form of art. We start with a trailer, because everyone knows that before you watch the movie you want to see the trailer for that exact same movie. And the trailer explains the backstory (and has a Narrator). So apparently it all happens in a land beyond the future and well before time. It's like a fucking paradox or something. Way deep. There are also dinosaurs, although they don't look like dinosaurs. These rubber things, hell, that plastic toy that porn movie used looked more like a dinosaur. Not saying it looked better, just that it looked more like a dinosaur. So the setting is the following: in the future-past humans fight mutants and dinosaurs who has been created after a nuclear holocaust because of magic. It all makes perfect sense. It is also explained that the dinosaurs are actually pets and lifestock that has mutated. Boring. And there's a pun both in the trailer and the beginning of the movie where they have to mention this movie's name. Name puns can be sooo repetitive.

The opening credits are quite boring, just the same picture of a castle to non- inspiring music. The movie begins with a Crossbow Dude hunting a dog? A dog? Wait, weren't the pets supposed to have mutated to dinosaurs? Then the dog is eaten by a dinosaur worm. Wait, so the worm is a dinosaur, the dog is not? I don't understand. Deep.

Our heroine of the movie is of course the nymphoid barbarian. She spend her days fighting off dudes who try to rape her. And while she's supposed to be bad ass, her fighting ability really mostly disappear after the opening act. And of course she can't beat them, but has to be saved by Crossbow Dude from a gang rape. This is of course because she couldn't possibly handle anything herself, which is easily understood, SHE'S A WOMAN. after all. It is revealed Crossbow Dude is her boyfriend though. And there's a good scene where the Nymphoid takes a arrow out of Crossbow Dude's shoulder and he slaps her in return. Then she hits him back and he does the only right thing; callin her a bitch, because he's a REAL MAN, and REAL MEN CAN SLAP ANY WOMEN THEY WANT. Later they run into a Freaky Knight and his Mutant pawns. The Crossbow Dude is knocked down and the Nymphoid is kidnapped (of course, SHE'S A WOMAN). And this is where the adventure really start.

The Crossbow Dude is saved by a Weird Old Man who gives him a pistol, and thus he becomes the Pistol Dude. The movie goes on with Pistol Dude and the Nymphoid trying to find each other and runs into many weird dinosaurs and mutants. It's actually not that bad. And even the Freaky Knight is kind of a good villain, at least they made him look quite menacing. There's not much dialogue in this movie, which is okay. If your actor's can't deliver their lines professionally, don't give them any. You can have a lot of thing happen without people saying anything. I can recommend this movie to anyone wanting to appreciate the high arts that is Troma.

Special Review: One Million AC-DC (1969)

Yes, my dear readers. It's indeed time to review a softcore porno from the late 60s. And it has cavemen and cavegirls (of course), and indeed the cavegirls have a slight inclination towards lesbianism (as all cavegirls do). It begin very promising with a lot of lava for some reason and  the title in a completely unreadable font. The story is about a day in the life of the cavemen, who all live in a cave. First a young virgin girl will be sacrificed, which means she will warm up with some sweet lesbian love, then be penetrated by ginormous prehistoric dildo, and after that only the strongest man in the cave will have the honour of plugging the newly opened hole. Of course this is followed with some lesbian cleansing rituals.

But hot babes during these dangerous times must be careful that they're not kidnapped by a dude in a monkey costume. Also plastic toy dinosaurs might attack the cave and force everyone to hide deep within it (still, getting out of the cave and past the plastic dinosaur doesn't seem that difficult at all, on the contrary, several people seem to manage it). Already at this early stages of the evolution of man there was several ways to have sex, but indeed the most popular way was doing it, tyrannosaurus style (hahaha). Wait. that mammoth look decent, how on Earth have they a decent mammoth, but the worst dinosaur effects ever? Ah, the mammoth is stock footage, while they did the dinosaur themselves, now I understand.

Of course a day wouldn't be perfect in prehistory if it didn't end with an orgy. Everyone knows cavemen love orgies, and during orgies catfights might break out, and what's more sexier than that? But stupid lizard fighting stock footage, don't interrupt my catfight, boo! Oh, I don't mind that the fist fight between the two cavemen is the worst fidt fight I have ever seen. It's still awesome, because it's that terrible. The catfight was better. But wait, they are fighting outside, wasn't there a plastic dinosaur waiting to eat them? How?? Anyways, now it's time to invent the bow and arrows and finally kill that dino. Hoorray!

This movie had the unfortunate tendency to get boring at times. The characters were bland and you sometimes couldn't see any difference between them. I just didn't care who fucked who. But at least there seem to have been some chemistry between main guy and main girl, because their scene with the grapes was actually not that bad (most sex scenes in this are bad). Anyways, if you want to see a late 60s porno with cavemen, One Million AC-DC is the movie to check out.

Unemployed again

So my 5 months of work are over, and I am unemployed again. This means less money and less fun for me. On the positive side I probably have more time for the blog again. But if you're hiring smart asses like me, then PLEASE HIRE ME!!

B- Movie Review: Creatures the World Forgot (1971)

Oh man, it's the 70s. At the time people had no internets, and thus lived in caves. People don't know this but before the internets there were cavemans, who had no cars nor any supermarkets, and thus had to hunt wild animals for food. And it's a desert, man, it's always a desert. All REAL MEN were bearded at the time, only wimps didn't had beard. And the women were nicely dressed in skimpy clothes. So this movie that is about the cavemen of the 70s is about the history of  a tribe that spans two generations.  It seems to be happening in Africa, since there are antelopes, hyenas, porcupines, wilderbeests and warthogs. Since this is about white people in Africa, it means it also describes the Colonial Era. The people of the 70s, apparently can't speak, and instead make monkey sounds, this explains so much. We also learn that people like to commit suicide while escaping from erupting volcanoes. I have no idea why. But sexy cat fights between half naked women is never wrong, and this movie has TWO OF THEM! We also learn that Mike Tyson probably inherited his fighting style from these 70's cavemen, they fight dirty and bite each other all the time! Another educational thing we learn is that living snakes and mice were delicacies and a healthy compliment to the 70's diet.

During their wanderings the tribe meets the Blonde People (which probably means they visited Sweden), the Dirty People and the Painted People who wears Rubber Masks. During a fight with the Dirty People the leader of the Dirtbags is attacked by a man in a Bear suit, completely at random. I have no idea what that was all about, so many 70's cultural references I don't get. We also get the story about the chief's twin sons who grow up to become fierce rivals, the same old. Twin brothers are in all ages just destined to fight each other to death, everyone knows that.

The movie is actually quite good. The acting is good since they are able to portray what's happening well without having one single line of dialogue. The story is not bad, certainly better than several other caveman movies, and it's a good description of life in the savage 70s. The scenes with animals seems realistic too, except that one with the man in a bear suit. The title is lying though, I didn't see a single creature the World has Forgot. But I can recommend this one, it's pretty good.

B- Movie Review: The Invincible Barabrian (1982)

 Ha, this movie has an alternate title called Gunan, the Barbarian, but there's no Gunan in it. It's also a spaghetti movie, which means it's actually made in the Spaghetti Republic, and the actors are spaghetti people who speak spaghetti. The movie is of course dubbed to English, and the actors and actresses get American pseudonyms, so it looks Hollywood although it ain't. So what's this about?
Well, first of all the Title Credit will hurt your brain because of it's bright red text. If your brain is already hurt a few seconds in it's certainly a good sign. However there's that stupid boring narrator millennium that, illumination this, something about stars and chosen ones. Just boring, he should shut up. But then.... holy stock footage Jesus!! Dinosaurs, and everyone knows dinosaurs are the best ninjas!! Of course the dinosaurs have no importance to the plot, and we won't see them again, so it was kind of pointless.

Anyways, the movie begin with a woman giving birth, while her husband The Stupid One would rather be in the pub getting drunk. But then the slowest raiders ever attack the village just as the children are born, yes it's twins. The Stupid One quickly gives them to a old crone who escapes while the Slow Raiders attack. The Slow Raiders are lead by a fat man called Evil Fatto. And of course Evil Fatto kills The Stupid One and his wife.

The old hag collapses and the twins are found by friggin Amazons. Then they're raised in the Amazon village. The Amazons don't age because they know how to make shields, or something like that. Doesn't really make any sense, but they can make shields, and they don't age, and it's also revealed they can't have children. The twins grow up, one has dark hair, and thus he must be evil, while the other is kind of a jerk. There's also something about the natural order being upset because there were twins born, so there is no clarity in who's the Chosen One (apparently there was some kind of prophecy), and thus nature is angry because somehow this is man's fault. Anyways the twins must battle it out so the Amazon witch get to know who's really the Chosen One. The Amazon witch is awesome because she can transform herself into a lion, and she has a snake as pet. The Jerk obviously defeat the Evil Dark Hair, but Dark Hair steals some kind of amulet that belongs to the Chosen One and escapes and goes to find Evil Fatto himself. Dark Hair is then quickly killed off, and Jerk has to seek revenge not only for the murder of his mother but also his father. So it becomes a revenge quest. He also find the love interest Blonde Boobies, and yes, you get to see her boobs. He is able to seduce her just by turning up, which probably is proof enough he's a REAL MAN, because real men don't need to win their women, they throw themselves at them. And this makes the Amazon Witch jealous, and with the power of clichés she betrays Jerk and Blonde Boobies. It's also revealed that Jerk's and Dark Hair's real father is Evil Fatto, who tried to stop the prophecy by attacking their village and killing their mother. Of course the good guys win, and Evil Fatto lose in the end.

This movie was boring, predictable and plain bad. Not even the terribad acting was amusing enough. There's one good reason to watch it though. The boobs!

I am alive... I think. I have just been busy working, and of course playing the Sword of Islam expansions to Crusader Kings 2 as well as the Game of Thrones Mod (you need to play it now!!). I will try to revive this blog with reviews in the near future though.

B- Movie Review: Steel Dawn (1987)

I'm back with a fresh new review. And it's a Patrick Swayze movie. So I wish you all a Patrick Swayze spring! Anyways, Steel Dawn is a movie that is supposed to happen in Postapocalyptica. Postapocalyptica is that country north of Australia that's full of desert and always seem to have been through some kind of war. And they dress funny.

Anyways the opening credits are not steel gray! What the ****? It's called Steel Dawn, and they haven't steel colored opening credits. I am disappointed. But it start with Swayze standing on his head. All people know that it's serious business when a man stand on his head. Suddenly he is attacked by these Sand Dudes, but our hero use his blade and his deadly Swayze- Fu to disperse the Sand Jerks. When traveling in Postapocalyptica one must be careful not to be attacked by an old bold Chinese guy from behind. Anyways, if the Chinese guy happen to be your old teacher it's okay.

So Swayze's old Chinese teacher is killed by a guy with terrible hair. That hair is seriously trolling me, so his name has to be Troll Hair. Troll Hair seems at start to be the laziest villain ever, but he's in fact the only good thing in this movie. So Swayze wanders through the desert a LOOOONG time, I swear, it has to be close to 5 minutes. For some reason a dog start following him, but that plot point is dropped when the dog for some reason leave when he reach a settlement. There Swayze meet Obvious Loveinterest, her son Annoying Kid (played by Brett Hool, probably the son of the director Lance Hool). He also meet Giant McSidekick, who's also killed by Troll Hair. So Swayze start to work on Obvious Loveinterest's farm, and is dragged into a water dispute between the farmers and Troll Hair's boss Douchy McAsshole. McAsshole is okay, but he lacks a good villain laugh. So Swayze must in the end face Troll Hair in a real Mortal Kombat, with swords and stuff. In the end Troll Hair is quite awesome, but otherwise, this movie is BORING. I can't describe it any other way, it's terribly BORING. I really can't recommend this one. Not even Troll Hair can save it, and really, he's just the least boring stuff of many things utterly, completely boring.

So yeah, pass on this one. There are more interesting movies about the magical land of Postapocalyptica, and I will review some of them in the future.

Crusader Kings 2

So I have not been updating my blog for ages, since I have been totally occupied playing this awesome new grand strategy game from Paradox Interactive. Crusader Kings 2 is just awesome. It's like George R.R Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire, only it happens in medieval Europe instead of Westeros. The hook it, unlike other Paradox games you don't play nations, you play characters, i.e. rulers. Your goal is to make your dynasty last and make it more powerful. But you have to look out for your brothers and other relatives who always wants to kill you or revolt. Family is the most dangerous thing there is, I tell you. You have to choose who to marry, who your sons should marry, and to whom you marry your sisters and daughters. All to get alliances with other rulers or inherit more land to your family.

It's of course not all about family intrigue (although most of it is). There are wars against your rivals and holy wars and crusades against the infidels in the Holy Land and in Spain. The time frame is 1066 to 1453 and you can start any date from 1066 to 1360. If you start at the earliest date the war for the Crown of England between Harald Hardrade, Harold Godwinson and William the Conqueror (the Bastard if he doesn't conquer anything) is in full swing. Speaking of bastards you could sire som of your own, but your wife will probably hate you for it. And the more children you have, the more headache you get when your current ruler dies, and your new ruler has far too many greedy brothers who wants to tear him apart.

Any Christian emperor, king, duke or count is playable. There's a huge difference between playing a powerful king who has to control all his unruly vassal, to play as a vassal yourself and decide whether you should be loyal to your liege, or plot his downfall so you can steal his titles. This game is very addicting, and you should really buy it right now, if you haven't already!

BTW, even the boxed version require Steam authentication. If you don't like Steam you have to buy the Gamer's Gate version, since that's the only non- Steam version.

Victoria 2: A House Divided

It's once again time to discuss a Paradox Interactive game. And what better place and time is there to discuss Victoria 2 than now when the expansion A House Divided has finally been released!

Victoria 2 let you play a nation through the Victorian age and the early 1900s. The game take you from 1836 to 1936 and every nation on the map is playable. You can have a lot of fun uniting Germany as Prussia, expanding your borders south and west as the US, modernizing as Japan or keeping the darn gringos out as Mexico. The goal is always to finish as a Great Power, i.e. in the top 8. You have to always take care of your finances, make sure you're industrializing, and getting the goods you need to supply your armies. You also need to invest in education to make your people literate so your research goes faster. And never forget to enact both political and social reforms to appease the middle and working classes. Sure, Liberals and Socialists with all their demands of a fair and equal society can be annoying, everyone knows democracy is for pussies, but these pacifist Liberals and Socialists can radicalize and become Anarcho- Liberals and Communists, organize rebel militias and launch a revolution if you're not careful enough. And you should also remember to colonize Africa and conquer rich parts of Asia for all the great resources there. Imperialist FTW!!

Yes, Victoria 2 is a complex game and it take time to master it. But it is fun! Building your nation and guiding it through the 1800s is just so much fun. And then you always think: It could have gone even better if I had done differently. In my opinion Victoria II is one of Paradox Interactive's best games. So what does A House Divided add? It add popular movements that you can suppress, or let grow if you want to pass certain reforms quicker. These movements could be movements for expanding the voting franchise, to better the school system, to free the poor Croats from Austro- Hungarian rule. They can also radicalize and organize rebellions. So it's an interesting addition indeed. Another addition is a whole new westernization track for uncivilized nations. Uncivs no have their own reforms they need to enact to become modernized and able to compete with the Western Nations. We also now have rally points for armies, which is useful. And we can now manufacture casus bellis (reasons for war) which would give us a free war without precaution if we can manufacture them undetected. I have always been detected though, and forced to take the infamy hit anyways (if you're infamous enough all other nations will attack you, like in all other Paradox games, a bad boy never have it easy). There are also changes made to Russia (they industrialize slower now due to the "serf question") and Chine (China now has sub states, so they can't be sphered at once, and getting China in your sphere was always made you over powered, now you have to get all the sub states in your sphere too).

I'd say the changes in AHD makes it an expansion worth buying. I hope there will be more expansions in the future. AHD can be bought and downloaded from Steam, Gamer's Gate or PC Gamestore or any other Internet gaming shop really. You need the original Victoria 2 to play it. The only negative thing about the game is that there are still no focus on Africa. Africa looks too empty and most of the African kingdoms that existed and were conquered during the 1800s are not in and just represented as empty provinces you can colonize. Also, AHD added an 1861 scenario for the historical American Civil War, but there's no Taiping rebellion in sight!! Come on, in 1861 the rebellion was still in full swing. I hope the Taiping rebellion will be added in a patch. It was after all one of the most bloodiest wars in Chinese and World history.

B- Movie Review: Tarkan vs. the Vikings 1971

This time I review a Turkish movie from the 70s, because why not. Not that I have ever been in Turkey, can speak a word Turkish or even know shit about Turkish culture. That doesn't mean I can't make fun of it. Ha!

Tarkan vs. the Vikings begin when we see a ship full of BDSM Vikings that are into whipping naked men. The Vikings travel in longboats made by IKEA, and they look more like Asterix characters than vikings. There are so many colors involved that I swear their clothes and their weapons are made of candy. So the vikings lead by Toro, who's probably a Spanish Viking or something, attack the castle of the Hunns. In the castle there are also the princess and her boyfriend the one-man-army Tarkan, and his two dogs. Tarkan is a hero because he HAS AN AWESOME MUSTACHE!!  Mustache can really tell you the character of a man. REAL MEN HAS AWESOME MUSTACHES! Anyway, the vikings attack and not even Tarkan can stop them from killing one of his dogs (although it was clear that the dog was still alive, so it didn't really convince me at all. Bad acting dog!!) and kidnap his princess girlfriend. And indeed, real vikings hit small children in the head with a plastic axe!!

However the plot gets complicated when it's revealed that the vikings work together with a beautiful femme fatale Chinese ambassador (who doesn't reaaly look Chinese, but whatever), who has her own agenda. Then there's also a giant octopus monster (that look quite ridiculous, but hey it's a Turkish film from the 70s) and a beautiful viking warrior princess who command her own ship of viking bitches. The villain, Toro has a great villain laugh and we get treated to such nice things as drunken viking rape parties. Tarkan is of course a lucky bastard and get to cheat on his girlfriend both with the Chinese agent and with the viking princess, and she doesn't even really care. That's how a true girlfriend should behave. One thing is stupid though, when they torture some women prisoners to find out which of them is the princess, she finally reveal herself because she couldn't stand the torture of her kinswomen any longer. Then they asked for proof that she was who she claimed to be, and she showed them her ring that had the royal symbol. Couldn't they have checked her ring in the first place? Stupid vikings!

The battles are nice, but it's a pity there are no blood in them. Turkey, I am disappointed!!

All in all, it was a fun mindless action movie, and I wonder if there are more Tarkan movies or similar. This movie was silly, but fun, and I recommend you all watching it if you're into silly foreign language movies (yes, they speak Turkish, learn to read subtitles bitches). If I can find more Tarkan movies or other similar ones I will probably review them at some point in the future.

B-Movie review: Space Hunter: Adventures in the Frobidden Zone (1983)

This is actually a very good movie. You can tell it from the beginning when the cheesy title attacks you, I mean it really does attack you. That's a high score on the cheesometer. The movie start with a nice little explosion on a Spaceship that forces three beautiful babes to flee on an escape pod. They end up crashing on a desert planet where the natives soon naturally are attracted to the site (hehehe). Our hero lives in a pile of junk in space. His name is Wolf and he is known for never paying his parking tickets, his rent, or his ex- wife. Now that's a REAL HERO for you. He isn't alone, his mechanic is a sexy android (that he bones of course, it's all implied) named Chalmers (if I ever bought a sexy android, I'd do her too). Unfortunately she dies early in the movie. Nooo, she was the best character!! And holy facemelting Jesus, do you really have to melt her skin just because you decomission her, Wolf?

So Wolf is trying to find the babes from the escape pod, and they have been taken to the Forbidden Zone, a part of the planet terrorized by a plague. Wolf teams up with a scavenging teenage girl played by Molly Ringwald! Thar'd make this one of her first movies! She's actually quite good in this, although she nag all the time, but that's just because SHE'S A WOMAN. They also team up with the space cop Washington, who also is on the same mission. They face of against Fat Mutants, that are so obviously dudes in fat suits, that it's totally obvious. And they encounter water amazons (yay!!). The bad guys called the Overdog and the Chemist are creepy enough, but they don't have a villain laugh (damn). All in all, it's a quite fun ride. A very under appreciated movie. If you want some quality 80's cheese, give it a try. It feels a little bit like a mixture of Star Wars and Mad Max, and that can never be wrong. It's almost sad they never made any sequels.

B-Movie Review: Star Crash (1978)

The first review of the year is another Star Wars clone, called Star Crash with Caroline Munro as the leas actress. And the good thing is that she will wear a quite skimpy "outfit" indeed during much of this movie to really show off her better "assets". Anyways, the movie opens on the spaceship Murray Leinster. This of course opens the question whether the Irish originate from Space. However the ship's computer is glitching, since it can't stop calling for "Major Bradbury to the Communication Bridge", That's what you get for using Windows Vista on your Space Ship. On the bridge, the Bad Bland Extras hold their yearly Conference, before being attacked by a red Porno Light. Also this space is Disco Space, because of all the pretty colors. In the 70's even space was dancing all night long. Suddenly there is a Star Wars opening text, but it's in Space Language, so I can't read it. Only the French understand Space Language. So Caroline Munro and her sidekick are fleeing from the authorities. And of course every criminal that flees from the police immediately says: "Aha, looks like the cops", however Munro's "First yo gotta catch me, you dirty cop" tells us that this girl is eager for some action. Well, Munro and her sidekick are caught and arrested, but the jail is the worst in the Universe, so she flees quickly, and is recruited by the Emperor of Space, Christopher Plummer to a mission to save the Universe from an evil count by finding the remnants of a space ship.

So Caroline Munro in a sexy outfit are going on an adventure together with her sidekick, that seems to suddenly have become some kind of Jedi Wizard thingy, an awesome Robot, who's the REAL main character, and Obvious McTraitor, who's quite awesome too. The Evil Count is also great, because he has a great evil laugh. The robot is quite horny (and who wouldn't be when Caroline Munro is in the room) and says awesome lines like: "It's nice to be turned on again". And the movie treats us with awesome stuff like Stop Motion giants, Amazons in revealing outfits (yes!!), and Cavemen. And David Hasselhoff is in this movie, even though The Hoff and all his awesomeness is introduced quite late in the movie. This movie is full of awesome lines and terrible acting. The story makes no sense at all. It's so bad, it's frigging AWESOME!! This movie I can recommend. You won't forget it anytime soon. Especially not the awesome robot!!