Munrovember-cember Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972)

Yes, indeed we are going backwards in time for the last part of the Caroline Munro theme. We are going to a time when she didn't played the female lead role yet, but was in the same movie as both Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. It's Hammer Time and it's Dracula A.D. 1972!!







The atmosphere from the start is good with omnious music. You know shit is going to get real and Lee and Cushing will duke it out! And it opens with them fighting. Hooray! The first thing you see is Lee and Cushing trying to strangle each other!  That's how you start a movie! And they are fighting on top of a moving cart. Fuck Yeah!! And Dracula get wheeled! Let's just say it's a different take on the whole wooden stick through heart thingy. So, wait, both Lee and Cushing dies in the first 5 minutes, nooooo! Fuck You movie, you don't kill of both Lee and Cushing in the first act! And what's this? Some asshole just stroll in and steal Dracula's ring and ashes. Let dead Christopher Lees rest in peace damn it. Disturbing a dead Chris Lee is never a good idea.

Anyway we leave Oldy Old Times behind and we end up in the 1972 version of London, which is exactly like Real London, except it is in 1972 instead of the Real World. You silly early 70's, the new decade has started and is forming itself, but it hasn't really shook off all of the 60s yet. So we start at a party with young people having fun and old people being angry. Because young people having fun is the worst thing that could ever happen. No crime is worse. We get to learn it's actually the shithead who stole Chris Lee's ashes and his friends who has crashed some party, and they narrowly escape before the police turn up. The shithead and his young crew are all a bunch of assholes with no redeeming qualities. One big problem with modern horror is this formula. Why would you care if a bunch of mean spirited idiots are killed? But of course it fits the setting here, since back in the 70s, everyone was an asshole. They are all also very dumb. Dumb assholes for main characters, oh joy. When the Shithead suggest summoning the devil they are all for it. How fucking moronic can you be? When has ever Summoning the FUCKING DEVIL been a good idea?

Munro plays a girl in the group who is the most supportive of the Shithead, because she has a thing for him. That's really her character. Nothing special really. The main girl is called Jess (played by Stephanie Beacham of Sea Quest fame) and is one of Munro's and the Shithead's friends. Her grandfather is rumored to be an expert on demonology and it turns out it is PETER CUSHING!! But aren't you dead man? Must have been another Cushing who was killed off in the Oldy Old Days. Man this is confusing, and awesome. Multiple Cushings!! So Jess is starting to have second thoughts, just maybe summoning THE DEVIL is not a good idea.

So, we find out that the Shithead's name is Johnny Alucard. Oh I see where this is going, I have played Castlevania. So they start the ceremony to summon the Old Horny One, and it's a fucking seance. Lamest summoning of the Devil ever! And why the Hell is the Shithead orgasming during his chants? Okay, so they need a sacrifice (finally, this is how you summon evil demons), and Jess decline the invitation, but of course Munro accept it, and yes, the Shithead summon Dracula back to life and Munro become his first victim. They killed her off early, too early for my taste, but hey, this is before she become a lead actress.

So yes, the rest of this movie become quite awesome with Cushing having to stop Lee from making his granddaughter his new bride. The Shithead becomes a vampire (wait, how has he lived this long without being one). There is also some police officers, but I don't give a shit about them, since they never do anything important. But the Shithead's involuntary suicide was fucking hilarious. Unfortunately Lee and Cushing don't meet up before the end, but you get a battle between the Titans of Hammer in the end. But the ending is too damn short, we need more Lee vs. Cushing battles. A short one is just anti- climatic.

So this is the end of Munrovember- cember. But man, even if Munro didn't have much screentime it was worth it. And the scene where Lee kill her is sexy as shit. This came out wrong, but damn she's beautiful even in death. And we got Cushing and Lee. That means awesome.

Munrovember-cember: At the Earth's Core (1976)

 Cushing alert! Cushing alert! Cushing alert! Finally a Peter Cushing movie! Also, it seems someone is pissing lava in the opening sequence. How very fitting. Ah. steam locomotives, reminds me of my childhood. Well, the movie start with your typical British rich snobs enjoying watching some hardcore drilling during afternoon tea. Yes, indeed the story is that some rich snob professor and his rich snob American student (played by B-movie legend Doug McClure, and is an American because of his accent) will try to drill themselves through solid rock in a giant Drill Machine, because of Science. Like these bourgeois dimwits would ever be able to drill anything. Cushing is playing a parody of the confused British snob scientist gentleman archetype, and I say it now, Cushing is what makes this movie worth watching. It's clear that he overplays the role on purpose, and it's amazing.

So of course their drill breaks down and crash, because they are dumb snobs who don't know shit about drilling. And they crash in a underground jungle at the Earth's core, because there are lot of underground jungles at the Earth's  core and stuff. And not long after the Rubber Monsters appear! This is Rubber Paradise! There are so many overgrown people in rubber costumes that it itself deserves and Oscar or something.

The first rubber dude is supposed to be a bird or a lizard or something, can't tell for sure. But this movie should be called the Rise of the Rubber Giants or something, because that would be a title that describes this movie well. Soon the dynamic duo is enslaved by the Pig People, because at Earth's Core the Pig People hold humans as slaves. Here we're also introduced to Caroline Munro, who plays the slave girl Dia, who's also a Princess (of course). But even more important: another rubber giant! And this one looks like a rhino-boar-horse thingy. And it start fighting another one! Rubber Giant fight, hooray! So McClure escapes and run into an angry dude and start a fist fight with him in the Cave of the Hentai Tentacle Monster! I'm not kidding, this really happens. The bad guys seem to be Giant Rubber Birdmen, and when they talk everyone get bored. Causing boredom seem to be their special power. But enough about that. Rubber! Rubber! Rubber! A Lizard of Rubber! And Cushing killing a firebreathing rubber monster with bows and arrow. Classic! There's also a human baddie called "The Ugly One". Such a charming name!

Munro is unfortunately not that prominent in this one, she again mostly is eye candy and McClure's obligatory love interest. She also mostly fall into the Damsel in Distress archetype. I'm fine with it, although they could have made her a little tougher. She's supposed to be a native of the Underworld after all. Of course she look beautiful and has a great revealing outfit. Anything else would be a waste of her talents.

As I said before Cushing is the reason to watch this movie. He is great. He overact the role deliciously. The scenes without him seem a little boring actually. The ending is also a little bit of a downer. But all in all, a fun watch. A mindless adventure flick with some Munro eyecandy and some Cushing glory. What's not to like?

Munrovember-cember: Captain Kronos- Vampire Hunter (1974)

 Yes, we continue the Munro theme with some Hammer goodness. And by that I of course mean a 70's vampire movie made by the legendary studio known for, well 70's vampire movies of course! The movie begins with a young innocent girl being attacked by a vampire! How original! But it is with a twist! Instead of the victims dying or becoming vampire from the bite, they just age alot. Of course they die moments later, but still. You see, there are many species of vampire, and this one drain the youth of it's victims in order to stay young.

So, then we are introduced to the Captain himself. Captain Kronos is a war veteran (since it's oldie old times it could be the Crimean War or the Taiping rebellion or something) who ride around with his hunchback sidekick and kill vampires, and is just all in all an awesome dude. He is played by German actor Horst Janson (more German name than that

 doesn't exist).  His sidekick is called Professor Grust and is played by John Cater, one of those "that guy" actors you often see playing minor roles on British television. Anyway the soon find Munro, who plays Carla, who is a devious criminal who has committed the most un- Christian of acts, namely dancing on a Sunday! Munro and Kronos of course quickly become lovers. The trio meet up with Dr. Marcus, an old friend of Kronos from the war, who called Kronos and Grust there in order to tackle the vampire

 threat in his village.

Holy Shit! Victim number two not only got old, she became a dude!! But yes, this movie has a quite high body count with a quite active vampire hunting the young and innocent. And even if you quickly get to know from where the vampire comes, and to which group of people it belong, the movie still manage to throw out enough red herrings for you not to be sure which of the suspects is the vampire before the very end of the movie.

Munro once again play the token girl, the obligatory love interest, and her role is once again pretty much just to look beautiful. There is nothing wrong with that. She looks stunning as usual. The acting in this movie is not spectacular. It's not wooden, but neither really memorable. Probably because the director and the screenwriter didn't give the actors something that challenging to do. Still the movie is quite enjoyable. You however don't really get to know Captain Kronos that well, which is a pity, the movie is about him. You are left wanting to know more about him and see more of his adventures. It's really a pity there were no sequels. All in all the movie played it quite safe. An enjoyable watch, but nothing really memorable. Maybe that's why Hammer never did a Kronos 2. Still, I can recommend a watch, it's not bad, just not so good that it's worth more than one look.

Munrovember-cember: The Golden Voyyage of Sinbad (1973)

Last year I reviewed Star Crash with Caroline Munro. Now I will take a look at a couple of movies with her from the 70s, not just B-movies. Caroline Munro is perhaps most known for playing a secondary Bond Girl in The Spy who Loved Me in 1977 (the one where Barbara Bach played Agent Amasova as the main Bond Girl). But I won't review that one. Instead I will review some other movies with her. Caroline Munro is the best kind of actress, the one that is absolutely beautiful. And in her youth she was usually cast just for that reason. So let's take a look at the Golden Voyage of Sinbad from 1973!

Ah, classic cinema, grand openings, non- cgi boats and soothing music. In this movie John Philip Law plays the Arab sea captain who always hunger for new adventures. Yes, we have a bunch of white people playing Arabs. Hooray for RACISM! Anyway the movie begin with some shitty little thing flying above Sinbad's boat while making annoying sounds. Understandably a sailor decide to try to shoot it, which causes it to drop a amulet it was carrying. Sinbad take the amulet which make him hallucinate about Caroline Munro, man I want those hallucinations. Then the ship is hit by a storm which takes it off it's course. They end up in a small island country where Sinbad goes to find the girl of his dreams.

Of course adventure wait just around the corner. The sultan is dead and Sinbad and the Grand Vizier has to travel to distant lands to find the other pieces of the amulet, before the sorcerer Prince Evil (played by the Tom Baker, the 4th Doctor himself).

Sinbad also is joined by a young slacker, the son of a Innkeeper. The Innkeeper beg Sinbad to take the Slacker with him and make him a REAL MAN. And of course Sinbad is also joined by Caroline Munro, who plays the slave girl Margiana. Munro's role in this movie is not much more than to look beautiful and wear revealing outfits, but by Allah, that's what she's best at. She is gorgeous!

This movie uses very good stop motion animation. You don't see much of that anymore with all the cgi. CGI can be both good and bad, and it has it's clear advantages. But I miss the great craft that was good stop motion.

So Sinbad travel to an island where he come across a Savage Tribe that worship the Hindu Goddess Kali. And my, they are probably managing to insult every ethnicity there ever was all at the same time with this. All as it should be. They also run into the Cyclop that in this movie is a Cycltaur, a weird mix of a Cyclop and a Centaur. Roc is in this movie not a big bird, but a Griffin! And of course the Cycltaur and the Griffin fight, as is the tradition of stop motion monsters.

All in all a enjoyable film. Of course it can't escape some criticism. It doesn't take any risk. It plays all stereotypes straight, and even though enjoyable also very forgettable. No real exceptional acting, no real interesting story twists or characters that break the norms. But for what it is, a non- bad Hollywood cash-in movie it's definitely worth a watch, mostly to drool over Caroline Munro in that sexy outfit of course.

B- Movie Review: Tales of an Ancient Empire (2010)

Okay, 28 Years Later they make a sequel. And they really shouldn't have. Because if you don't have a good idea for a sequel even after all these years, then there really shouldn't be one. This is a mess.

First of all the overdramatized rock music is not epic, just distracting and irritating, take away most of the atmosphere and make it impossible to enjoy the scenes. And this fucking music is everywhere. Some of the scenes in the beginning rely too much on close ups and are shot in darkness so you have trouble seeing what's going on, not good. Later scenes are better, and I give this movie this: some of the scenes are very beautifully shot, really good, but it doesn't help. Especially when the dumb rock music destroy all the atmosphere these shots could have given the movie. Who the hell was responsible for the music anyway?

The story, well it's a mess too. Now we have a Vampire story, and a Vampire Sorceress is awakened from her grave by some Grave Robbers. The Vampire Sorceress attacks the kingdom of Abelard and the reigning queen send her half sister Tanis to find the legendary mercenary Talon (from The Sword and the Sorcerer). Talon also happen to be Tanis' father. So Tanis must find her father and his Silly Sword (it's back) before next full moon when the Vampire Sorceress will be able to Destroy the World. Tanis run into Kevin Sorbo! (but not even he can save this film) who is Talon's son and then they run into another sister, and then another and her daughter (even though they appear to be the same age). Then they go to the village where Talon is supposed to be, and we do see some Talon and the silly sword action in the end (even though he is masked, so it probably isn't Lee Horsley who play him, because then they'd show his face). And that's it. It ends abruptly there.

Ok, there's the totally unnecessary B-story about that servant girl who became a vampire and went hunting for Tanis. Totally not needed, didn't add anything, except a useless secondary villain that stole the plot. And the worst part is they could have made it better. They had obviously shot more scenes, there is a teaser at the end. So why the hell did they release a HALF MOVIE! They should have cut the servant girl subplot altogether and focused on getting a finished product released. This half baked piece of shit is not worth the "sequel to the Sword and the Sorcerer" title. Not that the original movie is that great, but it deserved better than this. Kevin Sorbo (and a random monkey we see for a second or so) are the best things about this movie, and we certainly deserved more Sorbo than we got. I guess they hoped to make some kind of series of movies, or perhaps make this a pilot (had that feel now and then), but something this poorly done, will not produce a public that want more. And the division of the story in chapters or as they called it "tales" just destroyed the flow (not that the flow in this movie was good anyway). THIS SUCKED. Sucked hard. Not even Sorbo could save it.

Addendum: Worst CGI ever. Sucked hard. The kind you can only get if you don't pay your artist (which is likely in this scenario). Shitty CGI city, shitty cgi boat, and the worst shitty cgi blood ever. The good thing with pink CGI blood is that your sword don't get bloody when you hack vampires to pieces with it.

B- Movie Review: The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Today we are taking another look at the 80's Sword and Sorcery craze, and what's a better movie to do that with than the movie that actually have both sword and sorcerer in the title?

During the opening credits you might want to try to listen what the sailor is screaming about. You never see him, but surely he's hiding somewhere behind the opening screen, since you sure hear him. And we have a Useless Narrator narrating obvious, useless stuff! Oh, how I have missed thee! So the story begins with an asshole forcing an ugly witch to resurrect an smelly mofo from the grave through some black magic mojo jojo, and the smelly mofo turn out to be a undead snake sorcerer (like resurrecting an undead snake sorcerer has ever been a good idea).  The asshole who woke him up turns out to be Titus Cromwell, king of Eruworm, and he want the sorcerer's help to conquer the richest kingdom in the world, he claims he has lost several battles against King Richard's army, so he need black magic assistance (and these things always end well, right?).

Then we see Eidan, the richest kingdom in the World celebrating 20 years of peace. Not that it makes any sense whatsoever, since Cromwell claimed having lost several battles to King Richard so clearly they have not enjoyed 20 years of peace. Anyways, we learn that Cromwell has attacked and beaten King Richard's armies. Then Cromwell betrays the Undead Snake Sorcerer (I think he's called Schuss or Schwuss or something). And of course the only more brilliant thing to do besides waking up an Undead Snake Sorecerer, is betraying one. Well, Cromwell kills King Richard, but his family tries to flee, not that it matters, Cromwell easily have the queen and prince Henry killed too, and princess Elizabeth captured. Prince Talon manage to escape though, and he has the Silly Sword! Seriously it's a really stupid thing, it's supposed to be some kind of mix between a sword and a projectile weapon. It's dumb, look shitty and wouldn't really work at all in reality. Anyways, Talon (played by Lee Horsey) escapes, and 11 years later he returns to Eidan, now as a leader of a mercenary band.

Meanwhile in a stinking cave the Sorceror is also planning his revenge, and in Eidan Lord Micah and his sister Allana (the son and daughter of King Richard's main advisor) are raising a rebellion against Cromwell. So things are about to get tense. But Micah and Allana are betrayed, and Micah is captured, and Allana saved by Talon from a rape. Then Talon promises to free Micah in exchange for a good shag. And thus the adventure begins!!

It's a fun movie, and surprisingly good. The actors are not that good, but it's neither terrible nor boring acting. The stock footage used for Eidan is a little bit distracting, since it's obviously ripped from a Bible movie. It looks like movie Jerusalem! Cromwell is a great villain, and Talon is amusing as the kind of easygoing, more selfish and careless kind of hero. And, OMG, this movie has dangerous KILLER RATS!! Of course in the end Cromwell and the Sorcerer are both defeated, and Talon gets his shag, but it was an entertaining ride to get there. Micah become king, and Talon and his Merry Band rides of on new adventures. Then they promise Talon will be back in Tales of an Ancient Empire. Which of course was a sequel never made....or wait, it actually was made, in 2010! Wow, this could be interesting. Sequel made 28 Years Later!! Ok, has to check it out!

B- Movie Review: Troma's Father's Day (2011)

Indeed, it's Troma time again, and this time a recent movie. That this movie has quality is already revealed by the smooth music in the opening scene. And we soon get to know this movie's antagonist, a cannibalistic gay rapist who likes to kill, rape and eat fathers. And he eat his human flesh raw, Eww, everyone knows human meat can only be enjoyed Well Done. But all is not lost, Gunshot McCool is after him, and he's a great character because he has an eyepatch. (Actually his name is Ahab, and it's some kind of Moby Dick reference, but seriously, Ahab is a lame name). And then Gunshot McCool runs the fucking killer over with a car, because the killer is a LIBERAL PUSSY who don't have a car, so Gunshot goes all TRUE AMERICAN WAY over him and run him over, as is his duty. And he has a great catchphrase too: Happy Father's Day!

But several years later the Father's Day killer is back. We also meet Shitface Slacker, a young man whose father has been killed and who make his living by sucking dick and robbing his customers. And he's an annoying little shit who is all about "Leave me alone" and "You don't fucking understand". Seriously, buy a life. And then the young Shitface is harassed by a pervy priest. And the pervy priest then get a mission to find Gunshot McCool, and bring him back to take on the Father's Day killer, also called Fuckman! Who could have known such an outstanding superhero like Fuckman could become a GAY RAPIST CANNIBAL KILLER!!!

Other characters are Sleazy (yes, that's her name) who's Gunshot's ex- girlfriend and runs a strip club. Gunshot's sister also work at that club. There's also an asshole police officer who is very good at pissing people of with his, well, assholish behaviour. And then it turns out Fuckman lead a religious cult where they worship something called Fuckmannacus.

Yes, this is an awesome movie. The dialogue is hilarious. The green screen effects look like shit, and the story is dumb as fuck, but still has many really head scratching turns and twists. I can deeply recommend this one, it's like the perfect bad movie delicacy. And it has a lot of gore and nudity too. Oh Troma, your movies has such class!