B- Movie Review: A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (1991)

We're getting to the classy stuff. I am reviewing a movie from the legandary Troma production company. This can't be anything else than a higher form of art. We start with a trailer, because everyone knows that before you watch the movie you want to see the trailer for that exact same movie. And the trailer explains the backstory (and has a Narrator). So apparently it all happens in a land beyond the future and well before time. It's like a fucking paradox or something. Way deep. There are also dinosaurs, although they don't look like dinosaurs. These rubber things, hell, that plastic toy that porn movie used looked more like a dinosaur. Not saying it looked better, just that it looked more like a dinosaur. So the setting is the following: in the future-past humans fight mutants and dinosaurs who has been created after a nuclear holocaust because of magic. It all makes perfect sense. It is also explained that the dinosaurs are actually pets and lifestock that has mutated. Boring. And there's a pun both in the trailer and the beginning of the movie where they have to mention this movie's name. Name puns can be sooo repetitive.

The opening credits are quite boring, just the same picture of a castle to non- inspiring music. The movie begins with a Crossbow Dude hunting a dog? A dog? Wait, weren't the pets supposed to have mutated to dinosaurs? Then the dog is eaten by a dinosaur worm. Wait, so the worm is a dinosaur, the dog is not? I don't understand. Deep.

Our heroine of the movie is of course the nymphoid barbarian. She spend her days fighting off dudes who try to rape her. And while she's supposed to be bad ass, her fighting ability really mostly disappear after the opening act. And of course she can't beat them, but has to be saved by Crossbow Dude from a gang rape. This is of course because she couldn't possibly handle anything herself, which is easily understood, SHE'S A WOMAN. after all. It is revealed Crossbow Dude is her boyfriend though. And there's a good scene where the Nymphoid takes a arrow out of Crossbow Dude's shoulder and he slaps her in return. Then she hits him back and he does the only right thing; callin her a bitch, because he's a REAL MAN, and REAL MEN CAN SLAP ANY WOMEN THEY WANT. Later they run into a Freaky Knight and his Mutant pawns. The Crossbow Dude is knocked down and the Nymphoid is kidnapped (of course, SHE'S A WOMAN). And this is where the adventure really start.

The Crossbow Dude is saved by a Weird Old Man who gives him a pistol, and thus he becomes the Pistol Dude. The movie goes on with Pistol Dude and the Nymphoid trying to find each other and runs into many weird dinosaurs and mutants. It's actually not that bad. And even the Freaky Knight is kind of a good villain, at least they made him look quite menacing. There's not much dialogue in this movie, which is okay. If your actor's can't deliver their lines professionally, don't give them any. You can have a lot of thing happen without people saying anything. I can recommend this movie to anyone wanting to appreciate the high arts that is Troma.

Special Review: One Million AC-DC (1969)

Yes, my dear readers. It's indeed time to review a softcore porno from the late 60s. And it has cavemen and cavegirls (of course), and indeed the cavegirls have a slight inclination towards lesbianism (as all cavegirls do). It begin very promising with a lot of lava for some reason and  the title in a completely unreadable font. The story is about a day in the life of the cavemen, who all live in a cave. First a young virgin girl will be sacrificed, which means she will warm up with some sweet lesbian love, then be penetrated by ginormous prehistoric dildo, and after that only the strongest man in the cave will have the honour of plugging the newly opened hole. Of course this is followed with some lesbian cleansing rituals.

But hot babes during these dangerous times must be careful that they're not kidnapped by a dude in a monkey costume. Also plastic toy dinosaurs might attack the cave and force everyone to hide deep within it (still, getting out of the cave and past the plastic dinosaur doesn't seem that difficult at all, on the contrary, several people seem to manage it). Already at this early stages of the evolution of man there was several ways to have sex, but indeed the most popular way was doing it, tyrannosaurus style (hahaha). Wait. that mammoth look decent, how on Earth have they a decent mammoth, but the worst dinosaur effects ever? Ah, the mammoth is stock footage, while they did the dinosaur themselves, now I understand.

Of course a day wouldn't be perfect in prehistory if it didn't end with an orgy. Everyone knows cavemen love orgies, and during orgies catfights might break out, and what's more sexier than that? But stupid lizard fighting stock footage, don't interrupt my catfight, boo! Oh, I don't mind that the fist fight between the two cavemen is the worst fidt fight I have ever seen. It's still awesome, because it's that terrible. The catfight was better. But wait, they are fighting outside, wasn't there a plastic dinosaur waiting to eat them? How?? Anyways, now it's time to invent the bow and arrows and finally kill that dino. Hoorray!

This movie had the unfortunate tendency to get boring at times. The characters were bland and you sometimes couldn't see any difference between them. I just didn't care who fucked who. But at least there seem to have been some chemistry between main guy and main girl, because their scene with the grapes was actually not that bad (most sex scenes in this are bad). Anyways, if you want to see a late 60s porno with cavemen, One Million AC-DC is the movie to check out.

Unemployed again

So my 5 months of work are over, and I am unemployed again. This means less money and less fun for me. On the positive side I probably have more time for the blog again. But if you're hiring smart asses like me, then PLEASE HIRE ME!!

B- Movie Review: Creatures the World Forgot (1971)

Oh man, it's the 70s. At the time people had no internets, and thus lived in caves. People don't know this but before the internets there were cavemans, who had no cars nor any supermarkets, and thus had to hunt wild animals for food. And it's a desert, man, it's always a desert. All REAL MEN were bearded at the time, only wimps didn't had beard. And the women were nicely dressed in skimpy clothes. So this movie that is about the cavemen of the 70s is about the history of  a tribe that spans two generations.  It seems to be happening in Africa, since there are antelopes, hyenas, porcupines, wilderbeests and warthogs. Since this is about white people in Africa, it means it also describes the Colonial Era. The people of the 70s, apparently can't speak, and instead make monkey sounds, this explains so much. We also learn that people like to commit suicide while escaping from erupting volcanoes. I have no idea why. But sexy cat fights between half naked women is never wrong, and this movie has TWO OF THEM! We also learn that Mike Tyson probably inherited his fighting style from these 70's cavemen, they fight dirty and bite each other all the time! Another educational thing we learn is that living snakes and mice were delicacies and a healthy compliment to the 70's diet.

During their wanderings the tribe meets the Blonde People (which probably means they visited Sweden), the Dirty People and the Painted People who wears Rubber Masks. During a fight with the Dirty People the leader of the Dirtbags is attacked by a man in a Bear suit, completely at random. I have no idea what that was all about, so many 70's cultural references I don't get. We also get the story about the chief's twin sons who grow up to become fierce rivals, the same old. Twin brothers are in all ages just destined to fight each other to death, everyone knows that.

The movie is actually quite good. The acting is good since they are able to portray what's happening well without having one single line of dialogue. The story is not bad, certainly better than several other caveman movies, and it's a good description of life in the savage 70s. The scenes with animals seems realistic too, except that one with the man in a bear suit. The title is lying though, I didn't see a single creature the World has Forgot. But I can recommend this one, it's pretty good.

B- Movie Review: The Invincible Barabrian (1982)

 Ha, this movie has an alternate title called Gunan, the Barbarian, but there's no Gunan in it. It's also a spaghetti movie, which means it's actually made in the Spaghetti Republic, and the actors are spaghetti people who speak spaghetti. The movie is of course dubbed to English, and the actors and actresses get American pseudonyms, so it looks Hollywood although it ain't. So what's this about?
Well, first of all the Title Credit will hurt your brain because of it's bright red text. If your brain is already hurt a few seconds in it's certainly a good sign. However there's that stupid boring narrator millennium that, illumination this, something about stars and chosen ones. Just boring, he should shut up. But then.... holy stock footage Jesus!! Dinosaurs, and everyone knows dinosaurs are the best ninjas!! Of course the dinosaurs have no importance to the plot, and we won't see them again, so it was kind of pointless.

Anyways, the movie begin with a woman giving birth, while her husband The Stupid One would rather be in the pub getting drunk. But then the slowest raiders ever attack the village just as the children are born, yes it's twins. The Stupid One quickly gives them to a old crone who escapes while the Slow Raiders attack. The Slow Raiders are lead by a fat man called Evil Fatto. And of course Evil Fatto kills The Stupid One and his wife.

The old hag collapses and the twins are found by friggin Amazons. Then they're raised in the Amazon village. The Amazons don't age because they know how to make shields, or something like that. Doesn't really make any sense, but they can make shields, and they don't age, and it's also revealed they can't have children. The twins grow up, one has dark hair, and thus he must be evil, while the other is kind of a jerk. There's also something about the natural order being upset because there were twins born, so there is no clarity in who's the Chosen One (apparently there was some kind of prophecy), and thus nature is angry because somehow this is man's fault. Anyways the twins must battle it out so the Amazon witch get to know who's really the Chosen One. The Amazon witch is awesome because she can transform herself into a lion, and she has a snake as pet. The Jerk obviously defeat the Evil Dark Hair, but Dark Hair steals some kind of amulet that belongs to the Chosen One and escapes and goes to find Evil Fatto himself. Dark Hair is then quickly killed off, and Jerk has to seek revenge not only for the murder of his mother but also his father. So it becomes a revenge quest. He also find the love interest Blonde Boobies, and yes, you get to see her boobs. He is able to seduce her just by turning up, which probably is proof enough he's a REAL MAN, because real men don't need to win their women, they throw themselves at them. And this makes the Amazon Witch jealous, and with the power of clichés she betrays Jerk and Blonde Boobies. It's also revealed that Jerk's and Dark Hair's real father is Evil Fatto, who tried to stop the prophecy by attacking their village and killing their mother. Of course the good guys win, and Evil Fatto lose in the end.

This movie was boring, predictable and plain bad. Not even the terribad acting was amusing enough. There's one good reason to watch it though. The boobs!

I am alive... I think. I have just been busy working, and of course playing the Sword of Islam expansions to Crusader Kings 2 as well as the Game of Thrones Mod (you need to play it now!!). I will try to revive this blog with reviews in the near future though.

B- Movie Review: Steel Dawn (1987)

I'm back with a fresh new review. And it's a Patrick Swayze movie. So I wish you all a Patrick Swayze spring! Anyways, Steel Dawn is a movie that is supposed to happen in Postapocalyptica. Postapocalyptica is that country north of Australia that's full of desert and always seem to have been through some kind of war. And they dress funny.

Anyways the opening credits are not steel gray! What the ****? It's called Steel Dawn, and they haven't steel colored opening credits. I am disappointed. But it start with Swayze standing on his head. All people know that it's serious business when a man stand on his head. Suddenly he is attacked by these Sand Dudes, but our hero use his blade and his deadly Swayze- Fu to disperse the Sand Jerks. When traveling in Postapocalyptica one must be careful not to be attacked by an old bold Chinese guy from behind. Anyways, if the Chinese guy happen to be your old teacher it's okay.

So Swayze's old Chinese teacher is killed by a guy with terrible hair. That hair is seriously trolling me, so his name has to be Troll Hair. Troll Hair seems at start to be the laziest villain ever, but he's in fact the only good thing in this movie. So Swayze wanders through the desert a LOOOONG time, I swear, it has to be close to 5 minutes. For some reason a dog start following him, but that plot point is dropped when the dog for some reason leave when he reach a settlement. There Swayze meet Obvious Loveinterest, her son Annoying Kid (played by Brett Hool, probably the son of the director Lance Hool). He also meet Giant McSidekick, who's also killed by Troll Hair. So Swayze start to work on Obvious Loveinterest's farm, and is dragged into a water dispute between the farmers and Troll Hair's boss Douchy McAsshole. McAsshole is okay, but he lacks a good villain laugh. So Swayze must in the end face Troll Hair in a real Mortal Kombat, with swords and stuff. In the end Troll Hair is quite awesome, but otherwise, this movie is BORING. I can't describe it any other way, it's terribly BORING. I really can't recommend this one. Not even Troll Hair can save it, and really, he's just the least boring stuff of many things utterly, completely boring.

So yeah, pass on this one. There are more interesting movies about the magical land of Postapocalyptica, and I will review some of them in the future.