B- Movie Review: Sorceress (1982)

The movie start with some riders in the dark chasing some people and killing them, and we see a woman trying to flee with her young child. The leader of the Riders is called Trogon and he hunt down the woman and kill her, because she was his lover, but she fled when she became pregnant. Trogon has promised to sacrifice his firstborn to his God. But soon he realizes that the woman gave birth to twin girls, and he don't know which of them is the firstborn. Then suddenly Oldman McSensei, Trogon's old teacher, appear and kills Trogon. But it turns out that Trogon is a Sorcerer, and thus apparently has three lives, so he will be back. Oldman McSensei decide the girls has to be raised as warriors so they can revenge their mother's death.

20 years later Trogon comes back to life and orders his followers to find the twins. Meanwhile the twins are bathing in a lake, but are harassed by a horny Moronic Satyr. They chase the moronic Satyr away. When they return to their village though they see Trogon's men all around the place killing and raping. This seems to always happen to these villages in these movies. So the twins, dressed up as boys to conceal their identity (not that it would fool anyone considering they have boobs) attack the soldiers and kill them. Then they are joined by the Moronic Satyr, a Viking Dude and Oldman McSensei. Oldman McSensei gives them his last powers and tell them about their mother and how she was killed, then he dies.

So they all go to a Middle Eastern looking town to find Viking Dude's friend. It turn out he's a young handsome Barbarian Dude, who likes womanizing, gambling, and especially cheating on dice. There is some fighting and then they go to Barbarian Dude's place.

Ahahahahahahaha! This is so friggin dumb. The twins have no idea they are girls, because the morons who raised them never told them. They don't even know there is a difference between boys and girls. This is idiotic. So juicy, deliciously dumb. Anyway, the Twins are left alone for a couple of seconds, but that enough for them to be tricked by a suspicious woman to follow her right into a trap, and they're caught. Trogon's girlfriend arrive to conduct some tests to determine which one of them is the firstborn, but the real question is why she has a dude in a Monkey Suit with her. Anyway, apparently the firstborn would be immune to fire, so they test it, and the first twin they test it on is immune. But meanwhile Viking Dude and Barbarian Dude beat up some soldier, steal their horses, and charge right in and save the twins. Even the moronic Satyr kick some ass.

They flee into the forrest, but the Monkey Suit Man and his friends (more Monkey Suit men) attack them, and Barbarian Dude and one of the Twins (the older one I think) are captured and they are taken to Trogon. Trogon reveal to the twin (I think she is called Mara) that he is her father, but no Luke Skywalker moment here. Mara says that if this is true they have to treat Barbarian Dude well. Trogon promise he will be well taken care off, but minutes later he order Barbarian dude to be executed for cheating in dice (apparently gambling is taken very seriously). However Trogon's girlfriend find a medallion that reveal Barbarian Dude is of royal blood and they decide to keep him alive for now. Of course Trogon's girlfriend try to seduce Barbarian Dude, she tell him that she want a real man and want to depose Trogon, but that the sacrifice need to go through and that the Gods will be pleased if Mara carries the seed of Royalty when she's sacrificed. So Barbarian Dude makes love to Mara. Meanwhile the younger twin sense their lovemaking through her psychic link, and a hillarious scene begin, with a very confused Viking Dude not knowing what's going on.

The ending is deliciously dumb and stupid, like these movies usually are, but nothing extra. Other movies of the genre has more impressive final battles, even if they try to throw in alot of stuff. The acting in this movie is wooden, and Viking Dude is worse than worst. It's not entertainingly bad, it's just boring bad. There is still some enjoyable scenes in this movie, but others are better. It's watchable, but not good. Certainly not good.

There is also some lies in this one. It's called Sorceress, but the girls never use sorcery in this movie. So what's with the title? And Trogon had three lives, so does this mean he will come back again? This is never adressed, like they just forgot that plot point. And another downer is that the twins aren't that good looking. Which is a pity, some pretty faces could make wonders for this movie.

Special Review: The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried (1971)

And we all know what "sword" that is. A tip: it's a dick.

Yes, indeed, it's time to tackle some German (badly dubbed to English) porn spoof of the ancient legend made a classic by Wagner: The Niebelung Ring!

We start with Something Weird. At least the text says so. Well, I tell you what's weird. The music in this movie. Always miss the tone a little. We learn that slaying monsters sure are boring, heroes need better things to do. The narrator is kind enough to explain that in old timey times heroes also were master womanizers, and that's what they were doing when there weren't any boring monsters to slay. Tell me something new!! That's common knowledge!

We begin with our Hero Siegfried riding together with his clumsy Manservant Hansel to Castle Burgundy, where Siegfried hope to marry King Gunther's sister Kriemhild. However in Castle Burgundy the king is worried about Siegfried coming there. Siegfried has killed a dragon and overthrew a caste single handedly, so they rightly worry that he is hostile. Meanwhile Siegfried is entertaining a peasant girl in a barn while the manservant is sleeping. And this is the worst fake fucking I have ever seen. And it's not sexy. You can make fake sex look better, damnit. It's a problem throughout the movie. That the sex isn't real is too obvious, and there is just no fapping to that. Then the king's men for some reason attack the barn. Hansel's line is gold: "Time to stop humping and start fighting". However Siegfried beat that with "Oh, you caught me with my pants down". Good fun.

Meanwhile we get to know that Kriemhild and her attendants are very in lesbians with each other. That won't last long though. Siegfried arrive in Worms.... wait the castle is called Worms. I get the pun, but who in their right mind would name a castle Worms? So Siegfried start to behave like an utter ass, and demand that the king throw a large feast for him. The great advantage with being a hero is the right to behave like an utter asshole. Before the feast Siegfried of course has his way with both a servant girl, and then with Kriemhild's attendants.

We basically have our Wagner. Siegfried want to marry Kriemhild, but to do that he must help Gunther win the right to marry the Warrior Queen of Iceland: Brunhilde. They have to get through the flame that guard her castle, that look really fake btw. Then Gunther have to meet her challenge, that in this version of course is to give her an orgasm three nights in a row. As in the original story Gunther wins only through cheating. Siegfried is the one giving her the orgasm, while she believe it's Gunther. Magic ftw!!

So the marriages happen. Kriemhild loses her virginity (yeah, right), but for Gunther tings look bleak when Brunhilde realizes she has been duped. She even call him Limp Noodle (yikes). Siegfried actually takes his marital vows seriously. He reject the advances of the women of the court... wait, this is a porno. Marital fidelity don't really have a place here. And now to the more serious stuff. The end is long and has a depressing tone. There is no way out of it. You can't do Wagner without going serious. Which doesn't fit a porno well. Pornos are best when light hearted. And this goes into the heavy serious plot with the conspiracy against Siegfried. However the ending come quickly and doesn't go they way the original story goes. I guess they just couldn't give it a sad ending, and they were running out of time (and saw no space to put in a sex scene for the later arc). I think the ending must have gone through some rewrites and cuts. It feels forced and abrupt.

The sets were a little bit too good for this movie, I suspect they were for some other production and the team for this movie only borrowed them. Kriemhild is played by the semi known porn actress Sybil Danning, if that helps at all. This movie is not good. The porn isn't good at all. The girls are quite good looking, but it doesn't help if the sex look fake and bad. Wagner's Niebelung Ring is a weird theme for a porn spoof, and while you can have a playful beginning about a hero banging every chick, you eventually end up with the more heavy and serious stuff of the source material that just doesn't fit well. No, not a good one.

Back from the Cinema: Star Trek Into Darkness

Well, finally a sequel to the 2009 Star Trek film. Even though that film was far from the best Star Trek, it wasn't bad and it did warrant a sequel. I watched it yesterday at the cinema, and thought I'd make a short review in a new segment I call: Back from the Cinema, where I review new movies.

What can I say, it wasn't terrible. I'd say it's okay. I have avoided the reviews, but I suspect some might give it a negative review. If that's the case I can see why. The lensflare, the worst thing about the 2009 movies was still a problem. I hated the stupid light everywhere. It should be called Lensflare the Movie 2. Otherwise the story was okay, definitely not the best Star Trek story, but neither terrible. The best thing about the movie was Benedict Cumberbatch. He did an awesome Khan. A very different Khan than the one in old Trek, but still a great performance. He had a very threatening aura, and you knew he'd be ruthless enough to do about anything. I'd say this movie is worth a watch just for that performance.

Otherwise much of the movie is just meh. The worst thing is probably that they replicate the touching "Spock sacrificing his life to save the ship" scene from Wrath of Kahn, just with the twist that Spock and Kirk switch places. It felt forced and dumb. They even had Zachary Quinto make Shatner's legendary KAAAAHN scream. Doesn't work coming from Spock's mouth at all. I laughed out loud in the cinema when it happened. It was stupid. I would probably rank this movie a little lower than the 2009 movie. Again, it's not terrible, and Cumberbatch is an awesome Kahn. It's just not really great either. There has been worse Star Trek movies, but there has also been many better ones.

War Goddess (1973), aka. The Amazons

War Goddess, The Amazons, I'm sure there are more alternate titles to this one. This is actually a Italian movie that was dubbed to English for the International Market, which often happened with Italian exploitation films those days. The Italian name is Le guerriere dal seno nudo, which I'm told means bare breated warriors. That's actually an awesome title. Why can't the English name be as awesome. When speaking about Italian and stuff, the dub is good. It feel  natural, and you forget the actors and actresses actually don't speak English. The Director Terence Young is actually from Hong Kong originally, and no, I have no idea whether his name was actually Terence Young, or if he used a pseudonym. Many Italian directors used pseudonyms for the International adaptation of their movies.

Apparently this story really happened 1000 years ago. First I don't think there's any chance that anything like this ever really happened, and second, I think Ancient Timey Times, happened many thousands of years ago. So the timing seems all wrong. And who the heck put the text there? It seems out of place, not really part of this move. Was it there originally or added for later versions? Anyway, this movie is loosely based on the story of Theseus, but very loosely. 

So we start in the lands of the Amazons where there is some kind of contest going on. They compete in Javelin throwing, mountain climbing, obstacle track, horseriding, archery and finally wrestling. In the end there are two Amazons left competing, our protagonist Antiope and a muscular bitch named Orathea. And the one who wins will become the next Amazon Queen. So the stakes are high, and the last competition is barebrested, well oiled wrestling, complete with a sexy oiling scene. Hell Yeah! Antiope of course wins, and apparently it means she will be queen for 4 years until the next competition. 

As Queen, Antiope decide the Amazons have to return to the Good Old Days, when the Amazons were strong and feared by the Nations of Men. But there is a ritual coming, a ritual when  the Amazons meet up with men to breed. And preparations need to be made, one must first meditate on how horrible and repulsive men are. Antiope also decide to get rid of the special privilegies of the army, now they will have to live in tents, and always be prepared and have no servants!! Of course Orathea and the soldiers are pissed. The cuts in this movie are not always that well made, they sometime come abtruptly and destroy the flow, at some points even in the middle of a dialogue. 

Meanwhile the King of the Greeks have joined up with his army who are going to the Amazon border on breeding duty, because he is curious about the Amazons. However his General advices him to attack the Amazons instead and take their copper mines, the king reject the idea even though Greece is in desperate need of copper. The King also decide to pretend to be a normal Military Officer for the Coupling ceremony. Orathea meanwhile try to fuck with the queen by spiking her wine with an aphrodiciac, however the queen's handmaiden end up drinking the wine, so the plan is foiled. It's of course the King who comes to Antiope's tent, and of course he seduces her, which means what was called a "simple business transaction" now became much more pleasant. Antiope however decide to bail on the third agreed night, and lead her Amazons away, but they are attacked by Scythians. Greek scouts have also detected the Scythians though, so the Greeks come to their help. Even though the King and his men saved the Amazons' lives, the Amazons are pissed because the Greeks violated their borders. Antiope then decided to do a ceremony to get a vision from the Goddess Artemis on whether to go to war with the Scythians or not. Orathea have manipulated her to suspect the Greeks and Scythians might ally. Antiope thus declare only minutes into the ceremony that she has a vision that they need to go to war with the Scythians. However usually it takes at least an hour to get into trance, so the Priestesses are not happy at all and calls it scandalous. It also turn out Antiope is very much pregnant. And with most of the army gone to fight the Scythians, the King uses the lax security to sneak into the Amazon City and have another passionate night with the Queen.

It turns out the King is married to a Cretean Princess (she has an accent though, which is funny since no one else has, and I thought Cretans were closely related to both Greeks and Amazons), and he send his wife as a spy pretending to be an Emissary for the Oppressed Women of Crete. She reports back the position of the Amazon Copper Mines. Antiope finds out about this (through sneaking to the king's tent. How she was able to sneak there undetected, why she did it and how she knew where the Greek camp site was is never explained). Antiope is naturally not pleased and swear to her attendants back in Amazon land that she will kill all the Greeks and burn their capital Athens, and kill their women and children. Then she goes to labor. Unfortunately it's a boy, and it means he will have to die in  a brutal ceremony with all the other boys born as a result of the coupling. Antiope is heartbroken, and start to question the Amazon ways.

Then Orathea returns and brag about how they crushed the Scythians, enslaved Scythian women to work on  the Amazon farms, so the soldiers wouldn't have to and how they mutilated the Scythians children. Antiope is shocked by the brutality and orders a change in how Amazon warfare works. Orathea and her officers are furious. They draw straws on who will kill the Queen, and Orathea draws the shortest straw. She sneak into the queen's chamber, but the queen feels someone's presence and is alarmed. This somehow all end up in NAKED FISTFIGHT, and even better, somehow the brutal naked battle between these Tigresses end with LESBIAN SÈX! Hooray! This is the best part of the movie and the sexiest. I have no idea why this happened. But it's AWESOME! Plotwise it makes no sense though. Antiope and the Amazons meet up with the Greeks for the couplings again, but this time Antiope and Orathea has plotted a mass slaughter, where the Amazons would slaughter the Greek soldiers. However the King seduces Antiope again, and tell her that her son is alive and well, and that he and the other boys were somehow saved. How? Did they bribe the Amazon priestesses or something. This all happened off screen and it's not explained. Anyway Antiope want to see her son and runs away with the King. Orathea and the Amazons think she has been kidnapped and ride out to chase the Greeks. This of course lead to the final battle scenes between Greeks and Amazons. 

The battle scenes are not that bad for a low budget movie. I also like that the Greeks used chariots, they should have more Chariot Warfare in movies. The ending is a little bit too cheesy, and doesn't reflect the situation very well. I like parts of it, but others feel like the characters should take the gravity of their situation more seriously. And Antope's character behaves very out of character at the end. But it's all forgiven by the text suddenly appearing on the screen. A simple line that makes it all better. It's genious really, that line makes the rather dumb things in this movie instantly forgiven. The stupid text in the beginning is forgiven too, thanks to this line. It just makes it all better.

Seriously, I kind of liked the movie. It had BOOBS,and plenty of it. The acting was okay, and the dub worked fine. Storywise some things don't work very well, especially towards the end. Also, there were subplots that didn't really reached a conclusion or had very unsatisfactory conclusions. But all in all, this movie is okay. Can be worth a watch, perhaps with a cold beer.