B- Movie review: The Archer and the Sorceress (1981)

So, Shitmas is over and the Jollyday season draws to an end. However I am back with a new review for this blog. This time I am looking at a TV-movie from 1981. It's name is The Archer and The Sorceress which mean it's about a dude with a bow. This also means the hero is a complete wanker, because everyone knows bows are coward's weapons. Anyways the movie start with a Narrator saying something like about A World That Never Was and a Time that has been or could yet be. WTF?? I don't understand a word of that, too fucking deep.

Anyway, the Narrator is boring and unfortunately narrates a lot. This movie could have worked well without him. So there are apparently a land with many warring Clans fighting each other but one man who's a king or something tries to unite them. The king is successful because he and the other Clan Chiefs get drunk, and diplomacy work berst while drunk. And then there are some Green People who wants to conquer them. They are evil because they're green. And their leader is not green, but he has a great laugh. Let's call him Evil Laughs. I like Evil Laughs because he laughs and all villains should do that. The king is played by a really bad actor (George Kennedy) who has some GLOOOORIOUS BAD ACTING MOMENTS!!!  It's a pity there aren't more scenes with the king.

The hero of the movie is the king's son who inherits a magic bow from his master. The hero is falsely accused for the murder of his father and sets out to seek his father's teacher named Lazalala or something. Then there is this Sorceress who has a blood feud with the hero's family, but decides to not kill the hero for none apparent reason. She still wants to kill Lazalala because she thinks he manipulated the hero's grandfather to kill her mother. (Yes it's quite confusing indeed). There is also a dude in a monster costume, but he gets killed of early. Then there are the comic reliefs, the Gambler and the Pigbearman. They are not funny, and unfortunately it's the Gambler who joins the hero on his quest and not the Pigbearman. The Pigbearman was indeed more interesting. They also meet a Mayor in a city they visit. He's great because he's overacting every line, and seems to have fun with it.

Since this is a tv-movie it's cheap like shit. It also seems to have too much plot for a short movie. Some subplots get disappointing resolutions, while others aren't resolved at all. When the movie end they still haven't found Lazalala and we don't know whether Evil Laughs survived or not. They were probably either hoping to make sequels or to use the movie to launch a TV-series. Thus the main plot remains unresolved. The bad acting isn't awesome enough, and the script seems mostly confusing. This one is not that great. It's not horrible, but neither is it really worth a watch.

Double Feature Review: This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX vs. Gonad the Barbarian and the Search fo Uranus

This duel is what all people have been waiting for for generations. An epic battle between two different Conan the Barbarian porn spoofs!!! We start with a quite recent Hustler porn spoof and then we take a look at a older Japanese animated one.

So This Ain't Conan the Barbarian is a 2011 Hustler porn spoof based on the original Conan the Barbarian movie (the one with Ahhnold). It pretty much goes through the sexy scenes of the original movie, but remakes them into hardcore porn. It begins with the scene with the slave girl, who is the sexiest girl in this movie, but unfortunately she just have a masturbation scene because Conan is dumb as an oaf it seems, because he doesn't bone her, even though she's practically begging for it. What's wrong with him? The guard wonder if he is blind or deaf, and so does the audience. Of course next Conan meet the witch, and fuck her good. Conan grunt like a Real Barbarian when he does the wenches, and fuck them so hard the whole screen shakes.  I'm really happy about these details, things like that makes me happy. The witch face was cool too, I mean it could have been worse. After the hard fucking and the scary witch face, the witch turns to fire and leaves for no particular reason. Conan meet mr. Sidekick outside, and he has his first line. And he does an awesome Schwarzenegger impression. I would have been really angry if they didn't. Conan isn't Conan without a retarded Austrian accent. The next scene is mr. Sidekick fucking a random wench they meet on the road, and then Conan and the Sidekick meet Valeria. Then we get to see some amazingly bad special effects when we see the snake, and shortly afterwards a scene where the sidekick falls from the roof. This is followed by some more hillarity when Conan get himself drunk in a tavern and fall asleep with his face in a bowl full of soup. THAT'S HOW A REAL MAN DOES IT!!! Even better next Conan, Sidekick and Valeria meet the king. The king is awesome. It seems he's gay, because he comment on Conan's balls, but he's probably bi, because he flirt with Valeria too. Anyways, the king is racist, and is angry because his daughter have ran away with a black guy. This king is great. So next is the Conan fucking Valeria scene, which is the best scene in the movie, as it should be. Then they meet fake Mako, who neither looks nor sounds like Mako. BOOO!!! I want a REAL fake Mako!!! And why doesn't fake Mako get to fuck anyone??? BOOOO!!! Next is Thulsa Doom fucking the Princess. There is a snake transformation, that actually is okay, but no orgy scene?? They must not have afforded enough actors for one.... but still, there ought to be an orgy scene in Thulsa's hideout. I liked the fact that since Thulsa is a snake wizard, he is good with the tongue though. The scene end with Conan, Valeria and Sidekick storming in and Valeria getting killed. Which is unnecessary, since she reappear as a ghost just a few minutes later. Why bother killing her, she could have delivered the same lines anyways. But I really like this version of Thulsa Doom. Everytime the Princess tries to say something he just goes: SHUT UP BITCH!! Now that's how YOU TALK TO A WOMAN!! Thulsa, you're a real man. And his speech is almost as good as the one in the real Conan movie. You can really see Conan getting confused by it. So did I like this move?? Yes, I liked it alot actually. I would have done a few things differently, but it worked well. And the porn was good too, it gave me a boner.

So Gonad the Barbarian and the Search for Uranus has nothing to do with Conan the Barbarian. Is a 30 minute short, and it's old, but I have no info from which year it is. The story is that the evil Gonad the Barbarian and his army of Sexbots are conquering the Universe. That's enough to get me hooked. Gonad's evil scheme consist of kidnapping, raping and torturing virgins from all over the galaxy. Where do I sign up to enlist in that army?? Frigging awesome!! But he's to be stopped by the American Secret Service (ASS) consisting of the agents Pussy Lamore (you gotta love the references), Doctor Jerkoff (lol) and Princess Layme and her boyfriend Dick (although he is not manly enough to be called Dick. He should be the one who's called Pussy). The best thing about this one are the lines. They are all hillarious. Like when Princess Layme first decline to rejoin ASS and says following classic: "No more fucking ASS for me". I love it. Her weapon is a Dildo Lightsaber by the way. Fuck Yeah!! Unfortunately Gonad doesn't look like Conan at all, and that's a little weird. The animation is horrible, and the sex scenes are bad, and there's unfortunately too little sex in it to really shine as a porn spoof. But the lines are hilarious and the movie is worth a watch just because of them. But yeah, This Ain't Conan the Barbarian is waaay much better than Gonad.

So that was the Conan porn spoofs. I might do more of these at some point, but next I'll probably review a B-movie again.

Stop the War against the Internet!!

In the magical far away land of the United States of America the forces of evil are gathering in Congress to pass two new bills aimed to cripple the Internet and stop the forces of progress. The SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act) and the Protect IP Act are two attempts to kill Internet forever. Both acts claim to be against piracy, but they are not. They are actually directed against normal Internet users and small businesses like Channel Awesome who make their living on making reviews and parodies of popular culture. If these acts pass it would be impossible for anyone to even use a few seconds clip from a movie, television series or video game. The worst thing is is that they allow a Corporation to define an act of piracy themselves and then just file a complaint to the Justice Ministry. The Justice Ministry will then just close the site, without giving the site owner any possibility to defend himself. This WILL be abused. Already today you can get fucking sued just if your basement band play some Metallica songs and you post them on Youtube, since the record companies claim full copyright on the song. Now it will get even worse.

Think about it, youtube is full of Hitler getting angry parodies, and while it's a German company that has the copyright claims on clips from Der Untergang, a lot of these parody clips with false subtitles are made in the US. Would youtube now have the responsibility to take them all down, or be closed down? According to these new acts: yes. Probably around 60% of all material on youtube break copyright rules somehow. As i said before, just having a small three second clip from a movie in a video that is really about something else is a breach of copyright legislation. Would this mean even big Google owned youtube is threatened? Yes, that what it means. How many of you enjoy watching Let's Plays, you know where you watch a person play a video game while commenting. If this legislation is passed all Let's Plays would be illegal, since the breach copyright legislation. The content of the video games are owned by the corporations that make them, and even if there's no playing, just watching someone else play, it would be illegal. And don't thing there will be no abuse. When it comes to Internet reviewers I'm sure those who gives positive reviews would not be in any danger, you give free advertising to the movie makers after all. But in the future, if your review is negative, your site will go down and you will be sued. This is the reality of those two bills. If they pass it's a declaration of war on the Internet.

So what does it mean for us not living in the Holy Americaland. Well, American companies can claim copyright grievances of your site anyways, and it could be closed down in the United States. We are talking about China like censorship here. And don't forget that laws from the US tend to spread to other countries fast. So if any Americans stumble on this blog, please write to your Congressmen and Senators and ask them to stop the war against the Internet.

B-Movie Review: Aztec Rex (Tyrannosaurus Azteca 2007)

So, this is a 2007 TV- movie made by Rigel Entertainment for SyFy. That already guarantee wooden acting and bad CGI. So what's not to love? Well, the acting is unfortunately wooden, and not awesome overacting. That's a big minus. Wooden acting is boring, bad acting is supposed to be awesomely ridiculous, not boring. So the story is that a dude called Cortes is exploring the Mexican jungles with the entire Spanish army in the New World, which apparently only consist of 7 men, because the king is a cheap bastard. The main character is called Rios and is one of Cortes' men. The Aztecs summon a T-Rex by the power of Kali-Ma from Indiana Jones (yes they rip of hearts from people, since dinosaurs apparently love human hearts). Then the best character (the horse is killed off screen). The story is simple Rios and Pocahontas (the Aztec chief's daughter) fall in love and then every storyline from Ferngully, Dancing with Wolves, Pocahontas and Avatar is repeated. The T-Rex is CGI is really bad, but I've seen worse. That it's a fake is unfortunately very obvious though. There are some great moments, like the Spaniards falling for the oldest trick in the book, when their ambush turn out to be an Aztec trap. And then there are the interesting lesson that teaches us that the best sex is to be had when hunted by a T-Rex. Congratulations to Rios and Pocahontas for being horny while in grave danger. The Aztec Empire is also just a small village in the jungle. But if the Spanish invasion force consist of 7 men, I am not that surprised. There's also that fat corrupt priest, who learned the natives to speak English (played by Jack McGee). He claims to be the one who invented Sangria, but I have a hard time believing him.

This movie is just meh. It's not terribly bad, and that might be the problem with it. It's not good, but it's not bad either. If it was really bad you could probably get some satisfaction out from it, but a movie this mediocre can't be anything else than forgettable meh. And the story has been told too many times already.

However a Hollywood adaptation of the Spanish invasion of Mexico with big scenes and high quality special effects would be welcome in my opinion. It's a fascinating time in history and to see Cortes and Montezuma battle it out on the big screen could be awesome. That's really all I have to say about this film. I was drawn to title, and hoped to get some cheap laughs out of it, but it just wasn't bad enough. They should have made it worse.

B- Movie Review: The Adventures of Hercules (1985)

The Adventures of Hercules is one of the many Italian movies that were dubbed to English for an international release. The movie stars Lou Ferrigno, and it's only fitting to review a Ferrigno movie after a Reb Brown film. Ferrigno is cast because he has muscles. That's all. He can't act, but he has muscles and thus he look like Hercules. The movie opens in space during the opening credits. A little bit confusing to see so much of space in a Hercules movie, but there will be much of it through the entire movie. This movie is actually a sequel to another film called Hercules (thus this movie is also called Hercules II), and I will try to find it and review it at some point in the future. During the opening credits you see a montage of Hercules fighting a bunch of robots, either cleaning the Augean stables or cause a genocide (unclear of which), growing to giant size due to a blinking device and finally fighting a Jedi King called Minos. I guess it's a recap of the first movie.

So the movie begins by a couple of duded dragging a woman in chains. At least they know how to treat a woman.. So the woman is sacrificed to a lighting gorilla, by a evil gay priest. This is bad news and two other women decide to do something about it. They ask the "little people", who are some kind of shining thing for advice. Not that they'd need to, it was obvious that what they needed is a MAN. Because women can't do anything without a MAN. A good thing is that the women wear quite skimpy clothes, so at least you have that, because there is loads of long boring dialog in this movie. So the story is that 4 Gods have rebelled against Zeus (Hera, Flora, Aphrodite and Poseidon). They have stolen Zeus' thunderbolts, so now the Moon will crush with the Earth for some reason. Of course that means Zeus have to send Hercules to Earth. Hercules is for some reason just hanging out naked in space. Except it seems he doesn't have a dick. How on Earth can Hercules bone women without a dick?? Boning women is after all part of his job description. Not that he do any of that in this movie, despite being around several beauties. Perhaps he really lost his dick. Hercules back story is also conflicting. In the beginning it's told he's son of the Goddess who created everything, but later he is referred as the son of Zeus, which is more in line with Greek mythology. Also at one point Hercules is referred to as Achilles, and I'm quite certain they were two different persons.

So the story is about Hercules and those two women running around looking for the lighting bolts of Zeus. Then for some reason the rebel Gods resurrect the Jedi King Minos, who then becomes the main villain. Hercules defeat several enemies, including a really hairy dude, a Medusa and Slime People!!! (lol)
Meanwhile King Minos get himself a new magic lightsaber from his ally Daedalus who apparently is the same person as the God Chaos, and is also a woman (none of this is in the Greek mythology I remember). They conspire to use SCIENCE!!!! to take over the world, but that just prove how stupid they are, since they are obviously using magic and not SCIENCE!!!. Anyways, the special effects in this movie are laughable, but on the other hand I didn't expect anything else from a cheap Italian movie from the 80's. And even if it looks bad, the King Kong vs. Godzilla light show still is awesome. And the music is epic. I think the music very well is the best thing in this movie. Because this movie is boring. A lot of bad dialog, that isn't so bad it's awesome, just a borefest. And the fights aren't that impressive. I think if any movie franchise would need a remake it would be Hercules. I mean this movie is boring and the Schwarzenegger flick is just terrible. Why not reboot Hercules with a big Hollywood budget, a muscle man with no acting talent, some ladies with big boobs and skimpy outfits, and some CGI monsters. You'd have a nice summer blockbuster right there that'd still be better than the Clash of the Titans remake. And bring back the Slime People!!!

B- Movie Review: Space Mutiny (1988)

Space Mutiny is one of those bad Star Wars rip off. This one uses stock footage from both the original Battle Star Galactica and from the real Star Wars movies for the space battle footage. That the movie want to be associated with Star Wars become obvious since even the music during the opening credits remind me of Star Wars. The movie is happening far in the future in Spaaaace, where humanity now live on large spaceships. One of these spaceships is the setting for the movie. However there is an evil mutiny plot masterminded by the ship's Security Chief Evil McNazi. Evil McNazi is actually only want to settle on a planet, but that is forbidden for humans, since Spaaaace, just like Earth has some really stupid laws. So he and his co-conspirator the Chief Engineer Mr. Lame plots to take over the ship and colonize a planet, and sell all those crewmates who resist them as slaves to pirates or something. However the ship has a Hero: Hero McPilot who is played by Reb Brown! Reb Brown is known for not being able to act, but always getting to play hero in cheap action movies. Hero McPilot also have an obligatory love interest: Doctor Blondie Bitch, who is the daughter of the ship's Commander. And then there are those telepathic psycho bitches that somehow are important to the plot but I haven't figured out how.

So, this movie has really bad acting, that some times get really hilarious, and other times are just lame and boring as shit. There are also lot of juicy symbolism, Mr. Lame has an SS-badge on his uniform, very subtle. Also for some reason the space ship has a nightclub, why I don't know. And we have a continuity error, a female officer who is killed: Lieutenant Curly Hair is seen working on the bridge after she's killed off. A Clone I say!! Well, at least the villain has a great laugh, and all good movie villains have that. And a lot of the scenes are really goofy, and there are a common theme of Evil McNazi's men being really stupid and incompetent. However the Space Bazookas, while awesome, are way to small. No way bazookas in space would be smaller than on Earth. In Spaaaaace everything is bigger. And yes, in several scenes it's plainly obvious they are not in space. Windows with sunshine for example (lol).

The movie is okay, some of the crappy acting is hilarious, but other times things just seem to drag a bit. The villains are the best. Evil McNazi and Mr.Lame are so juicy evil. And Mr. Lame wins the prize in Douche Baggery for killing his own men. If you like crappy SciFi and Reb Brown, then Space Mutiny (or Mutiny in Space as it also is called) is for you.