Lost in Translation: Tarkan Altin Madalyon (1972) aka Tarkan 4 Evah or Tarkan joins the Circus

Honestly no idea what the real English title is, thus the derpy ones. This would be the 4th Tarkan movie, i.e. after the Viking one.

The movie start with a messenger arriving in Attila's Camp with a medallion in the shape of a Roman Double Eagle. This medallion makes Attila flash back to a time when a beautiful blonde woman was his lover. We hear some boring narration I can't understand a word of, but I get that this woman was very important to Attila. Her name seem to be Honoria and Attila decide to find her. He find her quickly and it turn out she has given him a son (around 9 years old or so). Then they are suddenly attacked by some dudes, but Tarkan and Kurt arrive to help Attila fight them off, but too late Honoria and Attila's son are taken to an evil king who punish his soldiers for failing to kill Attila by killing them by pit, spikes and snake while practising  an awesome evil laugh. It seems the bad guys in this one are the Vandals, since their name are dropped alot. And then we see an exotic bar/ inn/ brothel with exotic dancers/ whores, and oh my, the Vandal queen seem to be secretly a Prostitute! And meanwhile the Vandal Vizier rapes Honoria, oh my, such a lovely Court!!

Then we see a Vandal Emissary arrive at the Hunnic Camp delivering a dead Honoria, which means the Vizier killed her after the rape. So Tarkan rides out to save Attila's son but soon decide to stay at an inn, or the same inn that turn up in every Tarkan movie! I swear, it's the same one, they don't change anything. Shame, Turkey, suspension of disbelief destroyed. Anyway Tarkan is attacked by a group of fools, but it seems Tarkan and the Main Fool are old friends (I have no idea who that is though). So the fools help Tarkan infiltrate the Vandal town, one of them dressed as a Woman Apple Seller and the rest hidden in her/ his barrels. And then they help Tarkan in, by giving him a rope so he can climb the wall. So after some sword-fighting they settle down at the exotic bar/ inn/ brothel. It seems the Main Fool and the Ugly Matron are a couple (yuck). However the Queen arrive disguised as a Prostitute, but the Main Fool and Tarkan fools her (HA!), and Tarkan easily disarm the dagger she was hiding in her attempt to play the role as an assassin, while the Main Fool was hiding under the bed (kinky). So they force her to show them her secret tunnel to the Palace. Meanwhile the rest of the Fools are also infiltrating the Palace. I like the stealth approach this mission has, refreshing considering there usually just are alot of big brawls. So with the help of some High Circus Antics the Fools, Tarkan and Kurt saves Attila's son and leave the Vandal Town.

But meanwhile the Vizier has a Witch spying on Tarkan through some Magic Mumbo Jumbos. Tarkan and the Main Fool sleep at the same inn as earlier. The Innkeeper's daughter seem to be the Main Fool's girlfriend (much better than the Ugly Matron). But thanks to the Witch the Vandals catch up with them, so Tarkan and the Main Fool decide to fight them while the Innkeeper's daughter ride off with Attila's son. However she is killed by a magic spider web, so the Witch takes Attila's son. Tarkan follow her tracks to... wait, this landscape is awfully familiar. This is the same place the Witch in the 1970 movie lurked in. It's THE SAME WITCH! She seem to have recovered remarkably well from death. So, at the Witch's place Tarkan fight a dude made of pure gold, whose weakness it that his eyes are real.
Oh, my, did the Witch just RAPE TARKAN??!!

So Tarkan is brainwashed by the Witch and ride up to Attila's camp to try to kill him, but fails. Then the Main Fool and Kurt are able to break the hex, and Tarkan is released from the curse, just to escape from his own execution. He joins up with the Main Fool and Kurt again. Meanwhile in Vandal Town the King and the Witch are celebrating. The queen is ousted for being a Prostitute and is killed. The Fools infiltrate Vandal Town and the Party dressed up as Fools!! And then we have the final big brawl: Kurt vs, Snake, Fools vs. Soldiers, Tarkan vs. Everyone. The King, the Vizier and the Witch are all killed (although the Witch might just get better again), and Attila's son is rescued, HOORRAY!!

So it was a great ride again. This time Tarkan had much help from the Fools, in one way making it more realistic, since it was less a One-Man-Show than before. But on the other hand the Fools kind of stole the show, Tarkan couldn't have done it without them. Also Kurt is awesome!!

B- Movie Review: The Lost Continent (1968)

It's Hammer Time! And the Opening Credits start with a funky 60's opening song. The movie start with a funeral on an old Steamer, where apparently the local theatre and the Spanish Conquistadors attend together with the crew. Then we flash back in time, so the whole movie kind of build up to that funeral.

We start the story with Captain Grumpy escaping the toll inspectors in some undeveloped country. It has to be undeveloped because the toll inspectors are black. And all know that White People don't have to follow Black People laws, especially not British White People. That's because of democracy. Hooraay!


There are also some passengers on the ship, including a Doctor, his blonde daughter (from now on referred to as Blondie), an Eccentric Rich Man who likes to play the piano and a mysterious Adventurous Woman. Blondie seem to have a thing going on with the ship's Radioman. The reason Captain Grumpy didn't wanted to deal with Toll Inspectors is because his ship is carrying explosives. Also there's a hurricane coming. Explosives and hurricane sounds like a bad thing. After an accident where the anchor tear up a hole in the ship, most of the crew agrees and abandon ship. The Radioman was among the mutineers but he's shot by Captain Grumpy and remain aboard, but is wounded. Soon Captain Grumpy comes to the realization that hole + hurricane+ explosives = fucking disaster, he too orders to abandon ship, which makes the thing with him trying to stop the crew from fleeing pointless. Anyway the Captain, the Passengers and the remaining crew flees on a lifeboat.

The Doctor is then eaten by a shark, despite Eccentric Rich Man's attempt to save him, of course Eccentric Man was the one throwing him overboard in the first place. The wounded Radio Man also got mad and jumped off the lifeboat, only to be eaten by MANEATING SEAWEED!!! They then find a stranded steamer with a crew of one (a crazy bartender), and they try to leave with this new ship. Blondie seems to take her father's and boyfriend's death very lightly and starts to behave like a whore and flirt with everyone. GIANT TENTACLE MONSTER! Are they in Japan? They find land, but are immediately attacked by a group of men, they fight them off and also saves a Big Boobed Girl. The attackers are descendants of Spanish Colonists, and are ruled by a Inquisitor and a spoiled brat for a king. They also live on a Galleon. The Big Boobed Girl is not a Spaniard, but a decendant of another group of Colonists. She start to miss her people and leave, while Eccentric Rich Man lead a searching party to find her. They run into Giant Crab vs. Giant Scorpion Fight! I love Giant Monster fights!

The actors are quite good, but there is a problem. None of the characters are really likeable. We have here a well thought out story, good acting, but all in all none you can sympathize with. The most likeable character is probably the Mysterious Adventurous Woman, but only after you get to know her back story, For the most of the movie you just hate her. The Captain is an idiot, whose fault this whole mess was, the Eccentric Rich Man only comes out as a drunk idiot, whose backstory we never learn (we needed that to consider him a good guy) and Blondie is just a slut who don't care that she lost her dad and her boytoy. They are indeed characters that are deep and flawed, and that's good in a way, but we need someone to actually like too. If we don't like anyone of them, we won't care about them. And that's what this movie is lacking. The ending is quite Bad Ass though. Another problem is that they come to the mysterious Island quite late in the movie, and that part that should be most important felt a bit rushed. Instead they should have rushed the mutiny and the abandonment of the boat in the beginning, that felt dragged out, so they could focus more on monsters, Spaniards and other more interesting stuff.

Still, this movie deserves a watch. It's flawed, but it has good acting and monsters. And those are good things.

Edit: A Continent and an Island are NOT THE SAME THING! The title LIES.