B- Movie Review: A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (1991)

We're getting to the classy stuff. I am reviewing a movie from the legandary Troma production company. This can't be anything else than a higher form of art. We start with a trailer, because everyone knows that before you watch the movie you want to see the trailer for that exact same movie. And the trailer explains the backstory (and has a Narrator). So apparently it all happens in a land beyond the future and well before time. It's like a fucking paradox or something. Way deep. There are also dinosaurs, although they don't look like dinosaurs. These rubber things, hell, that plastic toy that porn movie used looked more like a dinosaur. Not saying it looked better, just that it looked more like a dinosaur. So the setting is the following: in the future-past humans fight mutants and dinosaurs who has been created after a nuclear holocaust because of magic. It all makes perfect sense. It is also explained that the dinosaurs are actually pets and lifestock that has mutated. Boring. And there's a pun both in the trailer and the beginning of the movie where they have to mention this movie's name. Name puns can be sooo repetitive.

The opening credits are quite boring, just the same picture of a castle to non- inspiring music. The movie begins with a Crossbow Dude hunting a dog? A dog? Wait, weren't the pets supposed to have mutated to dinosaurs? Then the dog is eaten by a dinosaur worm. Wait, so the worm is a dinosaur, the dog is not? I don't understand. Deep.

Our heroine of the movie is of course the nymphoid barbarian. She spend her days fighting off dudes who try to rape her. And while she's supposed to be bad ass, her fighting ability really mostly disappear after the opening act. And of course she can't beat them, but has to be saved by Crossbow Dude from a gang rape. This is of course because she couldn't possibly handle anything herself, which is easily understood, SHE'S A WOMAN. after all. It is revealed Crossbow Dude is her boyfriend though. And there's a good scene where the Nymphoid takes a arrow out of Crossbow Dude's shoulder and he slaps her in return. Then she hits him back and he does the only right thing; callin her a bitch, because he's a REAL MAN, and REAL MEN CAN SLAP ANY WOMEN THEY WANT. Later they run into a Freaky Knight and his Mutant pawns. The Crossbow Dude is knocked down and the Nymphoid is kidnapped (of course, SHE'S A WOMAN). And this is where the adventure really start.

The Crossbow Dude is saved by a Weird Old Man who gives him a pistol, and thus he becomes the Pistol Dude. The movie goes on with Pistol Dude and the Nymphoid trying to find each other and runs into many weird dinosaurs and mutants. It's actually not that bad. And even the Freaky Knight is kind of a good villain, at least they made him look quite menacing. There's not much dialogue in this movie, which is okay. If your actor's can't deliver their lines professionally, don't give them any. You can have a lot of thing happen without people saying anything. I can recommend this movie to anyone wanting to appreciate the high arts that is Troma.

Special Review: One Million AC-DC (1969)

Yes, my dear readers. It's indeed time to review a softcore porno from the late 60s. And it has cavemen and cavegirls (of course), and indeed the cavegirls have a slight inclination towards lesbianism (as all cavegirls do). It begin very promising with a lot of lava for some reason and  the title in a completely unreadable font. The story is about a day in the life of the cavemen, who all live in a cave. First a young virgin girl will be sacrificed, which means she will warm up with some sweet lesbian love, then be penetrated by ginormous prehistoric dildo, and after that only the strongest man in the cave will have the honour of plugging the newly opened hole. Of course this is followed with some lesbian cleansing rituals.

But hot babes during these dangerous times must be careful that they're not kidnapped by a dude in a monkey costume. Also plastic toy dinosaurs might attack the cave and force everyone to hide deep within it (still, getting out of the cave and past the plastic dinosaur doesn't seem that difficult at all, on the contrary, several people seem to manage it). Already at this early stages of the evolution of man there was several ways to have sex, but indeed the most popular way was doing it, tyrannosaurus style (hahaha). Wait. that mammoth look decent, how on Earth have they a decent mammoth, but the worst dinosaur effects ever? Ah, the mammoth is stock footage, while they did the dinosaur themselves, now I understand.

Of course a day wouldn't be perfect in prehistory if it didn't end with an orgy. Everyone knows cavemen love orgies, and during orgies catfights might break out, and what's more sexier than that? But stupid lizard fighting stock footage, don't interrupt my catfight, boo! Oh, I don't mind that the fist fight between the two cavemen is the worst fidt fight I have ever seen. It's still awesome, because it's that terrible. The catfight was better. But wait, they are fighting outside, wasn't there a plastic dinosaur waiting to eat them? How?? Anyways, now it's time to invent the bow and arrows and finally kill that dino. Hoorray!

This movie had the unfortunate tendency to get boring at times. The characters were bland and you sometimes couldn't see any difference between them. I just didn't care who fucked who. But at least there seem to have been some chemistry between main guy and main girl, because their scene with the grapes was actually not that bad (most sex scenes in this are bad). Anyways, if you want to see a late 60s porno with cavemen, One Million AC-DC is the movie to check out.

Unemployed again

So my 5 months of work are over, and I am unemployed again. This means less money and less fun for me. On the positive side I probably have more time for the blog again. But if you're hiring smart asses like me, then PLEASE HIRE ME!!