B-Movie Review: Thor the Conqueror (1983)

So one of those Italian Sword and Sorcery Conan ripoffs, eh. Well how bad can it be? I hope it's deliciously bad. Man, I haven't watched an awesomely bad movie for a while, I am pumped!

So it begins with bad picture quality!!  You basically can't find a version of this that isn't ripped from a half broken vhs tape where the film itself is falling apart. Oh man, I'm in for a treat.

So under some special star sign of the Gods, or something like that, a woman gives birth to a son, and because of special signs or something the son is destined to be the Chosen of the God Teishaa, or something like that. But just as the boy is born his parents are attacked by barbarians.... wait, aren't his parents barbarians too? Too many barbarians, Barbarianception. The child is saved because a Wizard Dude flees with it, while the father tries to fight off the barbarians.

Sidenote: the man playing the father is probably a stuntman. He has no lines, and they manage to get some good shots of his face while fighting, meaning there was no actor switch. Also he fight quite energetic and is enjoying himself, which indicates he knows what he's doing. 

Anyway, the barbarians are lead by an Archer Dude who kills both parents. He tries to take the father's sword, but it transforms into a snake, so he isn't able to take it.

The child grows up to a man named Thor, destined to be the greatest chief of all, apparently raised by the wizard dude, who's now also the Narrator. The Narrator loves to namedrop things that sounds silly and doesn't seem to have any relevance. The Narrator, who also is the Wizard Dude (wizardception) is very boring to listen to, unfortunately he by far the most line in the entire movie, probably because none of the others know how to act. So the Wizard Dude hasn't done a good job raising Thor considering he just eat all the good stuff himself and leave only fish heads and other bad stuff for his aging stepfather (what a dick). However the Wizard dude is just: "Oh well, time to die then" (pleeaase, your narration is boring... he is not going anywhere, is he?). No, unfortunately the Wizard Dude doesn't die. Just then Thor and the Wizard Dude come up against some cannibals who has a male and a female prisoner. Thor has apparently never seen a female before (Wizard Dude, you are not a good parent, are you) and has that priceless line: "What's that", when he sees the woman. Wait... if he hasn't seen a female before how did Thor got through the creepy teen years? What did he jack off to? Wait, I don't want to know. Of course the Cannibals kill the male prisoner before Thor is able to smash them all. So then Thor takes the female prisoner back to the cave he and Wizard Dude lives in (stay classy wizard dude, stay classy). And then it happens. The LINES! Oh Wizard Dude, you have so much to answer for. Okay, here are the lines: "No Thor, she is not something to eat, lay her down play with her, what else is she good at? The female is stupid, take her, make her yours".

Umm, WHAT?? Oookay Wizard Dude, can you shut up now. Did you just tell your stepson to rape a woman? So, umm, Thor and the woman get on with it. And of course the woman is soo willing to let this strange barbarian have sex with her shortly after she was almost eaten by cannibals. Then she is killed by random barbarians attacking the cave, which is the cue for the wizard to send Thor on a mission to find his father's sword.

 After a few adventures Thor arrive in the land of the Warrior Virgins (basically Amazons), where he immidiately get into a fight with some Amazons. He kills one Amazons and shortly thereafter proceeds to rape another, one he also take prisoner. Stay classy movie, stay classy. 

Not long after taking the Amazon as an unwilling slave, Thor is captured by weird cultists. They sacrifice him by leaving him to bleed to death, but the amazon who at this point has a severe case of Stockholm syndrome help him. Then they find the "golden seed of life", basically seeds. And apparently agriculture is unheard of, because Thor's idea to take the seeds so they'll benefit humanity is unheard of before. Soo, I'd buy that this is pre-agriculture if it weren't for so many things that definitely is no stone age stuff, like things made out of metal. Doesn't make any sense. My guess is they couldn't decide whether to make a Caveman or a Sword and Sorcery movie, and it ended up being a bad mix. But let's discuss the Elephant in the Room. What makes even less sense. Why would the Amazon fall for a guy who just killed her friend and raped her. What the Fuck? And Why in Seven Hells do we need to follow a hero who is a rapist? Especially when the movie makes NO DEAL OUT OF IT AT ALL. 

Yeah, I am not surprised the creepy Wizard Dude is creeping in just as Thor and the Amazon makes love. He's just the creepiest person in this movie and that is saying a lot. Come to think of it this is all his fault. He's the one who raised Thor to be such an ass.

So after some time the Amazon is showing signs of pregnancy, and then Thor and her is invited to come and rule a small village as it's chief. There Thor gets a second wife, a virgin who recently has reached the age and thus should warm the bed of the chief according to traditions and stuff. Yeah, the polygamy would not bother me that much usually, since the movie is about a savage time where things like that are usual. It becomes troublesome because all the other stuff the movie has thrown at us thus far. It's been like a roller-coaster of misogyny.

So Thor just started to teach the villagers agriculture when news of a wandering wild tribe appeared, lead by the Archer Dude who killed Thor's parents. Thor lost the battle and is blinded by the Archer Dude, who for some reason is not fighting with a bow and arrows, despite being a archer. Thor is blinded by the Archer dude, but the Wizard Dude help him get his sight back through the venom of a snake he summons. Meanwhile the Archer Dude and his men have enslaved the village. Thor learns how to tame a horse, and then he find his parents' grave and his father's sword. Then Thor comes in riding, all the Archer dude's men flee. The Archer Dude fight Thor mano o mano (why, he's an Archer, why don't he use his bow, he could probably win by just shooting Thor). Thor of course win and kill Archer dude. Just then the Amazon goes into labour, and Thor's firstborn son is born. The End.

Okay movie, there is such a thing as too much. Sure stupid movies with dumb plot can have much sexism and other political incorrect stuff, and that's fine. This stupid shit is usually what makes a bad movie funny. However there are limits to what goes and what don't go. Our hero being a rapist doesn't go. A dude raising his stepson to be a mysogynist ass is not fine. There's nothing funny about it. Here's a thing. The Damsel in Distress trope is pure fantasy. In reality no women or man would want to have sex with their saviour just after someone tried to rape or kill them, or whatever. However that's just fun escapism. A fantasy about a world everyone knows is not real. However rape is very real. We can allow Villains in our stories do such things, because villains in fiction are always defeated by the hero and has to pay for their crimes one way or another. The hero, no, the hero can be allowed to do bad things, even really bad things, but there has to be CONSEQUENCES. There must be a punishment for the bad, even when the hero commit it. Otherwise the terrible crime just becomes an empty punchline in a joke that isn't funny.

B-Movie Review: A Man Named Rage (1984)

Welcome back to the magical land of Postapocalyptica! It's time for a proper B-Movie review and it's time for some Italian made 80's fun!

But what is this?  Weird disjointed pictures? And where's the opening music? My head hurts. Ah, there's the music. Finally. And the nuclear explosions are kind of cool. But too much red. My head still hurt.

Ah, Conrad Nicholls in RAGE (this is only awesome when RAGE is capitalized. Otherwise it doesn't work. I'd know. I have lived through the 90's).

We start with a group of soldiers investigating a ruined town. Unfortunately for them there are hidden mutants who're less than friendly in the town. But they're not the largest obstacle. There's a man, the man they came to catch, who single handedly kill many of the soldiers before being caught. I bet his name is RAGE (it is). On their way back to the HQ though, the soldier convoy is attacked by Jumping Raiders, and they sure like to jump. After beating the Jumping Raiders they have to cross a radioactive zone, and whie they indeed have gas masks and "protective suits", it won't work if your suits only are over sized rain coats. That's probably why one of the soldiers died in the zone, not sufficient protection.

At the HQ we find out RAGE was brought in to lead a expedition to a base everyone thought had been destroyed, but recently a distress call was picked up originating from there. And that base still has uranium, which they are lacking, because apparently they need uranium to survive. I don't really understand why. Isn't uranium dangerous to them? Isn't it the reason Postapocalyptica is in such a mess in the first place? Anyway the team consist of RAGE, Commander Dude, Female Soldier and Fat Electronics Dude. Their first stop is bar near Mos Eisley, controlled by a gang lead by a former member of RAGE's squad named Slash. And Slash is the only one who has maps of the forbidden zones where the base is located.

Slash understand they're after uranium and demand a piece. He also demand that he'll be allowed to accompany them, to make sure he get his share. Then the obligatory barfight happens because Slash's men become a little bit too rapey against Female Soldier. After having beaten the men up, RAGE and his crew decide they rather not take Slash with them so they sneak up and steal the maps during the night, and leave for the Forbidden Zones. That all actually went better than one could expect.

Their quest for the hidden base involves cavemen and gay Cowboys, and while they're going further into unknown lands, Slash and his men are in pursuit. Slash want them to find the uranium for him, so he can steal it from them when all work is done. I like Slash, he has a great villain laugh, and when someone disturb it with a less awesome laugh, he punch that person in the face. He also has two young stunning girlfriends with guns, what a lucky bastard.

So at one place there is that book that looks wonky and is friggin large. It says Bible on it, and they claim it's the Bible, but I have never seen a Bible like that, I bet it's fake. And they abandon a lot of books on engineering for a Bible, that's probably fake anyways. Get your priorities straight, Goddammit!

Fat Electronics Dude is my favorite character in this movie, he has a great completely manic laugh, and at one point he hold off Slash's crew alone. The fight scenes at the end are okay. Like a poor man's Mad Max chase scene, and we knew it was coming. But there were some cool things.

The acting in this movie is terrible, and not really that amusing. It doesn't get terribly boring though, which is good. It's not worth a rewatch, I think this movie would only work once. On a second watch it would probably all be quite dull. The best things are some moments though, and by that I mean every moment Slash or Fat Electronics Dude are on the screen. Those were great.

Lost in Translation: Tarkan: Güclü Kahraman (1973) aka Tarkan goes to China

Ah yes, long time since I got the last Tarkan fix. About time I'll watch some awesomeness while having no idea what's going on again.

We start with omnious music when a mystery man comes into a town, this mystery man seem to be some kind of badass swordsman, considering the way people are clothed and the fact they eat with chop sticks seem to indicate this is the Far East. The Omnious Swordsman then interrupt a dinner party and start to kill people. Everyone at the party seem to be swordsmen, and the host a karate master, but the Omnious Swordsman kill them all.



Meanwhile Tarkan and Kurt arrive in Asia, and goes to eat at an inn in the desert. A young woman suddenly comes to the inn to warn about something, and soon a group of bandits comes riding towards the inn. They seem to be hunting the woman for some reason. Tarkan, of course, proceed to kick so much ass, that the bandit leader have to withdraw with the remaining bandits so they won't all die. That's how awesome Tarkan is. And I guess Kurt helped a bit too. With the bandits defeated the Young Woman is free to ride off again. However an Other Swordsman is watching from a mountain. This can't end well. And it doesn't, the Other Swordsman and his men catch the Young Woman easily.

Tarkan rides further and is then joined by some Weird People he seems to know. Soon they're surrounded by bandits though, and a new fight begins, and thanks to devious trickery the bandits, who seem to be working for the Omnious Swordsman actually win and force Tarkan and his weird friends to become prisoners.

Tarkan and his friends are then about to be burned on stakes, until suddenly the young woman from earlier intervene and through a sensual dance somehow convince the bandits and the Other Swordsman than blind knife fighting on a narrow log over a burning pit is better punsihment. The battle is cool and all, and Tarkan win of course despite his enemy cheating. After completing another weird trial as well as threatening the bandit leader Tarkan, his weird friends and the Young Woman are allowed to leave the Bandit Camp. I have no idea why the bandits suddenly has Tarkan complete some weird trials when they moments ago wanted to burn him alive. Anyway, Tarkan and the Young Woman part ways again. She's probably just going to get caught again, she'd really be better of just staying with Tarkan and Friends.

Meanwhile it is revealed that the Other Swordsman is working with the Emperor of China! Now we find the Omnious Swordsman again and it seems he has a relationship with the Emperor's daughter.



It seems the Young Woman had followed Tarkan, since she's spying on Tarkan and his Friends when they take a bath. Tarkan sends her away, while he and his friends visit the large Temple of the Kung Fu Monks. These Kung Fu monks seem to be more of the Pacifist kind though since they don't do any Kung Fu in this movie. The Kung Fu monks challenge Tarkan to get an Awesome Sword they have placed high up in the temple Inner Roof. Just when Tarkan accept the challenge the Omnious Swordsman and his Karate Dudes arrive and huge fight begins. And man, this temple is not buit of firm materials, since the walls break like they were made of paper, or something.



All Tarkan's friends are killed, and Tarkan himself thoroughly beaten. The Omnious Swordsman decide to take Tarkan with him back, because just kill him there is not evil enough or something. Actually it is revealed that not all of the Weird Friends are dead and the Kung Fu monks help the survivors heal. Meanwhile Tarkan himslelf is hanged upside down from a tree to be burned alive. The stupid Swordsman and his men leave, which of course is their mistake because Kurt is still alive and kicking, and the Young Woman seem to still be following them, and she and Kurt help Tarkan out of the deathtrap. So the Omnious Swordsman did not think that the dog that helped Tarkan and Friends in their fight and probably did best of all of them could possibly come to help his master? That's a serious oversight but it meant Kurt got some spotlight. But Tarkan is unconscious and probably close to death anyways. The Young Woman takes Tarkan to an Old Hermit for medical care, while the surviving Friends try to heal themselves in a river. The Omnious Swordsman and his men goes to the Kung Fu Temple to torture and kill the monks next. Then the Omnious Swordsman claims the Awesome Sword for himself.


The Hermit reveal that the only thing that can save Tarkan is apparently the milk of  a female dog, so Kurt goes off to find one and bring her back. The Weird Friends turn up just in time to see Tarkan's healing. More Kurt spotlight, yay. And Kurt must really have been lucky to find a female dog that had puppies so quickly. For Tarkan to completely heal he has to bathe in a boiling spring though. Is the hermit trying to kill him? It certainly seems that way.


After a painful bathe Tarkan is fully healed and in better shape than ever before. Then it's time for Training Montage! And the hermit trained Tarkan to fight with his eyes closed, which probably will become handy. And Tarkan of course have a little love affair with the Young Woman before going off to fight the Omnious Swordsman.


At the Kung Fu Monastery they encounter the Other Swordsman and his men, meanwhile the Omnious Swordsman and his men encounter the Young Woman and the Hermit. The Hermit fight the Omnious Swordsman but is killed. Tarkan beat the Other Swordsman, then while his Friends still are fighting the Other Swordsman's men Tarkan rides off to meet up with the Omnious Swordsman in the desert for a last battle. But then for some reason Tarkan is tricked to shoot an arrow agains a prisoner who is bound, but sandstorms hinder him from seeing who it is. He shoots the prisoner, and it's of course the Young Woman who immidietely dies. Why Tarkan was tricked to do this I have no clue. But now it's PERSONAL.


Okay, Tarkan, lesson one, if the bad guys tell you to do something, you NEVER do what he says, because it's always something EVIL. Got it?



So Tarkan goes to the Omnious Swordsman's place and kills all his men and then for some reason decide to fight the Omnious Swordsman with a nunchuk. The Omnious Swordsman makes him dizzy, so he of course has to fight the Swordsman blind, just like the Hermit taught him. The fight continue with some hand to hand command, knife throwing and of course the Awesome Sword, that Tarkan now claims as his. And thus the movie end with Tarkan riding out into the sunset with his new Awesome Sword, and Kurt running beside him as usual.



It was great to come back to Tarkan after some time off, but I felt like this was the movie where I really couldn't figure out the plot. Why was Tarkan in Asia? What's so special with the Awesome Sword? And why did he stupidly shoot that arrow when it was clearly a trick by the Evil Swordsman. The fights were also great in this one, the coreography improves somewhat for each movie, but there was nothing special. The final battle had some surprises, but there was no new grounds covered when it came to the fighting coreography. It was great, Tarkan always is, but somehow it feels just less awesome than the other ones. Perhaps because the plot was more clearer, and you wouldn't need to understand the Turkish exposition to know what's going on in those.

Back from the Cinema: Captain America 2: The Return of the First Winter Avenger Soldier (or Marvel can't make up their mind on the name)

There has been much buzz on the Internets about this movie, something about it being da Gr8est film evah, or something like that. Thus you enter the cinema with quite high expectations. Also that show: Marvel's Agents of SHIELD, only became good when it started to cross over with this movie, so that kind of added to the expectations.

It's solid, certainly up there with the better Marvel films, but I feel it's somehow overhyped. It's a great action flick, and a very enjoyable movie experience. But does it really go up there with the 1st Iron Man movie or the Avengers? The answer is no, but it comes close. It's way better than the 1st Cap movie, that's for sure. Unfortunately he doesn't punch Hitler in this one, but I was disappointed that he only punched a fake Hitler in the first one, so, meh.

The story is partly about Cap trying to adapt to modern life and partly about a shadowy organization infiltrating SHIELD and using them to TAKE OVER THE WORLD (of course). The themes is who do we trust to watch us, and whether it's good that certain organiztions have the right to spy on us and keep everything they do sectret. The whole Assange- Snowden thingy. Of course the SHIELD director Fury (played by Samuel L. Jackson as usual)  is quite okay with all this as long as he's the one in charge of the whole deal. And in the deal there is a doomsday weapon, thought to be used against terrorists, but of course will be used to TAKE OVER THE WORLD instead. So Cap, Fury, Scarlett Johanson, that Chick that Follow Fury around and Token Black Guy with Wings have to stop the organization called HYDRA lead by evil Robert Redford. Then there's also that Winter Soldier dude who tried to kill them and turn out to be someone from Cap's past.

I think the interaction between the characters worked fine, but one thing this movie lacked was a Great Villain. It has several villains: Redford, the evil SHIELD agent dude, the Winter Soldier, an evil AI, but none felt like a person who really could stand up to Cap and his crew. And that's one of the few small problems. I think that's why Loki rules in the Thor movies, he feels like the strong super villain of the Avengers Universe. I also somehow thought Emily van Camp's character was under used. Now I asked her entire purpose in the movie. If she had been in more scenes I could have got behind the idea of her character a bit more. Perhaps she will play a more important role in a sequel. Because I'm quite sure there will be a Captain America 3 movie at some point after Avengers 2.

We also had a French Pirate as a minor villain in the beginning and I was through the entire movie wondering where he disappeared, since he just didn't become relevant again. Perhaps he will turn up in future Marvel movies, or in Agents of SHIELD. Anyway, the movie is solid, the action good, and the threat believable. What more can you ask for? This is a good addition to the Marvel Cinematic Universe and makes at least me eagerly waiting for Avengers 2.

Back from the Cinema: 300: Rise of an Empire

I liked this movie better when it was called 300.

What to ecpect really? It was Naked Dudes with Swords 2, basically. Much style, no substance, and of course a delicious rape of real history, just like the first one.The homo- eroticism is strong in this one (like in the first).  However there are reasons this movie simply isn't as good as the first installment. The style was new in 300, but now it just felt like a rehash of the same, and no new daring experimentation. Where the first one was WOW, this felt like bland, like I've seen it before and was not impressed.

When it comes to characters I also feel like Leonidas was a stronger protagonist than Thesticlotes. He just felt like a Leonidas Lite to me. Admiral Eva Green also fail to really convince me as a strong villain. Xerxes was great though, like in the first film. Not sure if I felt Queen Cersei Lannister was needed though. It felt like she was used just so they could have as many references as possible to the original 300. Her presence felt very forced, and not belonging to the story... wait, this movie had a story? Well let's rehash it: Naked dudes fighting and killing each other. Simple, done. Nothing more really needed, this movie is all about the visuals anyway. But when the visuals feel like a tamer rehash of the first one the movie can only give one impression: meh.

Not saying it doesn't have cool stuff, but as a sequel to a Visual Spectacle, this one should have exceeded the first one visually. It didn't.

Back from the Cinema: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Okay, dragons are cool. Cool. Like super cool. Except they are hot, because of fire. Cool was a bad choice of words.

First, let's discuss the first Hobbit movie a bit. I liked it, but it had problems. It had problems with tone, it could shift from being a very serious movie to a very childish one and vice versa, which made you unsure of what kind of movie you were watching. This movie has less problems, some childish things do exist, but they are brief and don't change the tone of the whole movie. In a way the second part is in many ways more coherent.

I liked this movie. And thus I will start to list things I thought good:
1) Evangeline Lilly as Tauriel. She is great in her role as a female warrior elf. She carries the role well, and make her character seem less "inserted in the story (not from the source materials) and gives the movie a necessary female touch in a affair that otherwise would be a sausage fest (as the book is).
2) The special effects. Marvellous. And the first time I saw any practical use of 3-D with that darn bee, it only lasted a second though and then 3-D was as useless as ever.
3) Freeman and the Dwarves becoming more comfortable in their roles. Many things seemed more natural than in the First Hobbit Movie. They were never bad in the first one, but they felt like they now really had found their inner dwarves. This made it more easier to relate to the characters.
4) Smaug: the dragon was friggin awesome! It looked great and menacing. The design, how it breathed fire and the whole scenes with it fighting. And of course it's voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch!! And it's great.

Okay, now for the stuff that wasn't that good. This movie is not perfect. There are certainly things to critisize.
1) Gandalf's quest. It wasn't interesting. Gandalf vs. Sauron sounds awesome, but really, all the time we shifted to Gandalf's side adventure I just wanted it to end and go back to the main quest with Freeman and the Dwarves. It wasn't good.
2) Legolas. Orlando Bloom was not showing his a game. Unlike Tauriel his role felt force, probably because Bloom wasn't giving his all to make it work. Legolas felt boring and lifeless.
3) Smaug not dead yet: it really felt that this movie was not complete. Smaug was still alive and the battle still in the middle when the movie ended. I really felt this was bad. They built up this climatic battle, and while we got parts of it, we didn't get the finish. You can't end it in the middle like this!! Damnit, I won't remember everything they built up during the battle next year when we see the conclusion. A bad move.

I still liked the movie alot. Especially the Dragon Cumberbatch! More movies need Dragon Cumberbatch! But all in all, I feel now more and more that the Lords of the Rings movie were way better. Last year I still couldn't make up my mind and decided I needed to see more Hobbit to decide which series is better. Now I'm sure, LotR is much better than the Hobbit. Probably because in LotR we have three movies based on three long books. In the Hobbit we have three movies based on one relatively short book. It's still a fun watch though. I look forward to the third Hobbit movie.

DC go home

DC, you're drunk, go home.