B- Movie Review: Hammer of the Gods (2009)

It's a while since I reviewed a SyFy movie. And yes, it's alternate title is actually Thor: Hammer of the Gods. This does indeed mean SyFy was able to rip off the Thor movie two years before the Thor movie was released. This must be some kind of record. I suspect time travelling. Of course SyFy and Asylum later made another Thor rip off in the shitfest: Almighty Thor. In my opinion the best Thor movie is still the craptastic Tor the Conqueror, a true classic of shitty cinema. But back to this little jewel.

It begins with a boring narrator with some kind of dufus accent saying a lot of boring stuff I don't give a shit about. And it seems like Thor in this movie is just a normal viking, and not really a bright one. In fact he is kind of a dumbass. Then there are his two brothers: Goldilock, who is their leader and the Bald One, who is evil, because everyone knows all bald people are evil. And for some reason there are women on the ship, and the women are not slaves, in fact they are Goldilock's and Bald One's girlfriends, WTF! When you go viking you leave your girlfriends home. That' just like the general rule. How will they be able to murder, rape, pillage and whore now?

Anyway, the Bald One's girlfriend is named Sif, the same as Thor's wife in the myths, so there is already foreshadowing. The actor playing Thor is also the worst actor in this movie. Why did they pick him to play Thor again? He is also the blandest of the bland. I would rather see the Bald One win, he is much more amusing with his constant over acting and over the top shouting and screaming. But of course Thor kills him in the end. And the real evils in this movie are the Werewolves they run into on an island. Even the first time you see the werewolves you realize this is the shittiest CGI ever. And when you seem them clearly for the first time, after half the movie already have passed.... yeah, they look really bad. Worst werewolves I've ever seen. The plot is about finding a badass hammer, because they need it to kill the werewolves for some reason, even though they perfectly kill the werewolves with their conventional weapons already. There is also some epic music playing, but fortunately not much of it. This movie does not deserve epic music. And the green screen was quite obvious. They weren't even able to find a real forrest.

Yes, this movie sucks. Sucks really badly. Even Almighty Thor is much better. However the concept of Vikings vs. Werewolves (which this movie should have been named) is not a bad one. I hope they remake it to a badass mindless action flick, because Vikings beating the shit out of werewolves in a real movie would be fucking awesome.

B- Movie review: Equalizer 2000 (1987)

Yes, I'm tired of Cavemen. Now let's check out some Hardcore Action. This movie begin with a spinning rifle. Spinning rifles are Hardcore! Geographically I'm a little bit confused though. They say it is postapocalyptic Alaska. I had no idea Alaska was a part of Postapocalyptica. I always though it was a part of the US, Canada or Russia or something like that. Didn't Palin say she could see Putin from her house?

Anyway this movie has several awesomely bad fire fights that usually happen for no apparent good reason.Yes, this is one of those movies where everyone is using the unlimited ammo cheat. Oh hooray for bad action flicks! The name is probably wrong though. It should be called Wooden Acting the Movie!! And why is it called 2000 when it's made in 1987. Doesn't really make any sense at all. The Postapocalyptic sure dress weird too, they are probably quite confused about their sexuality if you know what I mean. Wait, there is a woman in this sausage fest? Well, she doesn't need to worry about getting raped.... wait... seriously.... these dudes are straight? Everyone dresses in tight leather or silly uniforms, often unbuttoned, and I'm supposed to believe they are straight? Postapocalyptica sure is a weird place.

Also this movie has Richard Norton, and that's awesome! And the girl is good looking too. Yes, she's one of those girls, who take the payment, but robs your wallet afterwards. The dangerous sort. This movie is about Richard Norton shooting people with that bad ass gun you see on the poster. And surely that's all you need in a movie. You see, the gun thing is not about killing people. It's about self esteem. Any man would feel much more secure if he can fire a gun in all direction, scream, and kill some random people. Good sport. This movie also have Indians, which mean it's racist, because Indians always means racism.

The plot? It had something to do with oil. I'm not really interested in politics.
If you want a mindless action movie with straight men dressed like gays, shooting each other, then Equalizer 2000 is FUCKING AWESOME!!