B- Movie Review: Creatures the World Forgot (1971)

Oh man, it's the 70s. At the time people had no internets, and thus lived in caves. People don't know this but before the internets there were cavemans, who had no cars nor any supermarkets, and thus had to hunt wild animals for food. And it's a desert, man, it's always a desert. All REAL MEN were bearded at the time, only wimps didn't had beard. And the women were nicely dressed in skimpy clothes. So this movie that is about the cavemen of the 70s is about the history of  a tribe that spans two generations.  It seems to be happening in Africa, since there are antelopes, hyenas, porcupines, wilderbeests and warthogs. Since this is about white people in Africa, it means it also describes the Colonial Era. The people of the 70s, apparently can't speak, and instead make monkey sounds, this explains so much. We also learn that people like to commit suicide while escaping from erupting volcanoes. I have no idea why. But sexy cat fights between half naked women is never wrong, and this movie has TWO OF THEM! We also learn that Mike Tyson probably inherited his fighting style from these 70's cavemen, they fight dirty and bite each other all the time! Another educational thing we learn is that living snakes and mice were delicacies and a healthy compliment to the 70's diet.

During their wanderings the tribe meets the Blonde People (which probably means they visited Sweden), the Dirty People and the Painted People who wears Rubber Masks. During a fight with the Dirty People the leader of the Dirtbags is attacked by a man in a Bear suit, completely at random. I have no idea what that was all about, so many 70's cultural references I don't get. We also get the story about the chief's twin sons who grow up to become fierce rivals, the same old. Twin brothers are in all ages just destined to fight each other to death, everyone knows that.

The movie is actually quite good. The acting is good since they are able to portray what's happening well without having one single line of dialogue. The story is not bad, certainly better than several other caveman movies, and it's a good description of life in the savage 70s. The scenes with animals seems realistic too, except that one with the man in a bear suit. The title is lying though, I didn't see a single creature the World has Forgot. But I can recommend this one, it's pretty good.

B- Movie Review: The Invincible Barabrian (1982)

 Ha, this movie has an alternate title called Gunan, the Barbarian, but there's no Gunan in it. It's also a spaghetti movie, which means it's actually made in the Spaghetti Republic, and the actors are spaghetti people who speak spaghetti. The movie is of course dubbed to English, and the actors and actresses get American pseudonyms, so it looks Hollywood although it ain't. So what's this about?
Well, first of all the Title Credit will hurt your brain because of it's bright red text. If your brain is already hurt a few seconds in it's certainly a good sign. However there's that stupid boring narrator millennium that, illumination this, something about stars and chosen ones. Just boring, he should shut up. But then.... holy stock footage Jesus!! Dinosaurs, and everyone knows dinosaurs are the best ninjas!! Of course the dinosaurs have no importance to the plot, and we won't see them again, so it was kind of pointless.

Anyways, the movie begin with a woman giving birth, while her husband The Stupid One would rather be in the pub getting drunk. But then the slowest raiders ever attack the village just as the children are born, yes it's twins. The Stupid One quickly gives them to a old crone who escapes while the Slow Raiders attack. The Slow Raiders are lead by a fat man called Evil Fatto. And of course Evil Fatto kills The Stupid One and his wife.

The old hag collapses and the twins are found by friggin Amazons. Then they're raised in the Amazon village. The Amazons don't age because they know how to make shields, or something like that. Doesn't really make any sense, but they can make shields, and they don't age, and it's also revealed they can't have children. The twins grow up, one has dark hair, and thus he must be evil, while the other is kind of a jerk. There's also something about the natural order being upset because there were twins born, so there is no clarity in who's the Chosen One (apparently there was some kind of prophecy), and thus nature is angry because somehow this is man's fault. Anyways the twins must battle it out so the Amazon witch get to know who's really the Chosen One. The Amazon witch is awesome because she can transform herself into a lion, and she has a snake as pet. The Jerk obviously defeat the Evil Dark Hair, but Dark Hair steals some kind of amulet that belongs to the Chosen One and escapes and goes to find Evil Fatto himself. Dark Hair is then quickly killed off, and Jerk has to seek revenge not only for the murder of his mother but also his father. So it becomes a revenge quest. He also find the love interest Blonde Boobies, and yes, you get to see her boobs. He is able to seduce her just by turning up, which probably is proof enough he's a REAL MAN, because real men don't need to win their women, they throw themselves at them. And this makes the Amazon Witch jealous, and with the power of clichés she betrays Jerk and Blonde Boobies. It's also revealed that Jerk's and Dark Hair's real father is Evil Fatto, who tried to stop the prophecy by attacking their village and killing their mother. Of course the good guys win, and Evil Fatto lose in the end.

This movie was boring, predictable and plain bad. Not even the terribad acting was amusing enough. There's one good reason to watch it though. The boobs!

I am alive... I think. I have just been busy working, and of course playing the Sword of Islam expansions to Crusader Kings 2 as well as the Game of Thrones Mod (you need to play it now!!). I will try to revive this blog with reviews in the near future though.