B- Movie Review: Steel Dawn (1987)

I'm back with a fresh new review. And it's a Patrick Swayze movie. So I wish you all a Patrick Swayze spring! Anyways, Steel Dawn is a movie that is supposed to happen in Postapocalyptica. Postapocalyptica is that country north of Australia that's full of desert and always seem to have been through some kind of war. And they dress funny.

Anyways the opening credits are not steel gray! What the ****? It's called Steel Dawn, and they haven't steel colored opening credits. I am disappointed. But it start with Swayze standing on his head. All people know that it's serious business when a man stand on his head. Suddenly he is attacked by these Sand Dudes, but our hero use his blade and his deadly Swayze- Fu to disperse the Sand Jerks. When traveling in Postapocalyptica one must be careful not to be attacked by an old bold Chinese guy from behind. Anyways, if the Chinese guy happen to be your old teacher it's okay.

So Swayze's old Chinese teacher is killed by a guy with terrible hair. That hair is seriously trolling me, so his name has to be Troll Hair. Troll Hair seems at start to be the laziest villain ever, but he's in fact the only good thing in this movie. So Swayze wanders through the desert a LOOOONG time, I swear, it has to be close to 5 minutes. For some reason a dog start following him, but that plot point is dropped when the dog for some reason leave when he reach a settlement. There Swayze meet Obvious Loveinterest, her son Annoying Kid (played by Brett Hool, probably the son of the director Lance Hool). He also meet Giant McSidekick, who's also killed by Troll Hair. So Swayze start to work on Obvious Loveinterest's farm, and is dragged into a water dispute between the farmers and Troll Hair's boss Douchy McAsshole. McAsshole is okay, but he lacks a good villain laugh. So Swayze must in the end face Troll Hair in a real Mortal Kombat, with swords and stuff. In the end Troll Hair is quite awesome, but otherwise, this movie is BORING. I can't describe it any other way, it's terribly BORING. I really can't recommend this one. Not even Troll Hair can save it, and really, he's just the least boring stuff of many things utterly, completely boring.

So yeah, pass on this one. There are more interesting movies about the magical land of Postapocalyptica, and I will review some of them in the future.

Crusader Kings 2

So I have not been updating my blog for ages, since I have been totally occupied playing this awesome new grand strategy game from Paradox Interactive. Crusader Kings 2 is just awesome. It's like George R.R Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire, only it happens in medieval Europe instead of Westeros. The hook it, unlike other Paradox games you don't play nations, you play characters, i.e. rulers. Your goal is to make your dynasty last and make it more powerful. But you have to look out for your brothers and other relatives who always wants to kill you or revolt. Family is the most dangerous thing there is, I tell you. You have to choose who to marry, who your sons should marry, and to whom you marry your sisters and daughters. All to get alliances with other rulers or inherit more land to your family.

It's of course not all about family intrigue (although most of it is). There are wars against your rivals and holy wars and crusades against the infidels in the Holy Land and in Spain. The time frame is 1066 to 1453 and you can start any date from 1066 to 1360. If you start at the earliest date the war for the Crown of England between Harald Hardrade, Harold Godwinson and William the Conqueror (the Bastard if he doesn't conquer anything) is in full swing. Speaking of bastards you could sire som of your own, but your wife will probably hate you for it. And the more children you have, the more headache you get when your current ruler dies, and your new ruler has far too many greedy brothers who wants to tear him apart.

Any Christian emperor, king, duke or count is playable. There's a huge difference between playing a powerful king who has to control all his unruly vassal, to play as a vassal yourself and decide whether you should be loyal to your liege, or plot his downfall so you can steal his titles. This game is very addicting, and you should really buy it right now, if you haven't already!

BTW, even the boxed version require Steam authentication. If you don't like Steam you have to buy the Gamer's Gate version, since that's the only non- Steam version.