Double Feature Review: Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet (2005) vs. Dinosaur Valley Girls

So in this review series called Double Feature Reviews I will review too movies with similar names, that doesn't necessarily has anything to do with each other. They can even be from completely different genres, such as the two movies I'm reviewing today. However there are some similarities between these two: both have shitty stop-motion dinosaurs and both have BOOBS!

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet is a 2005 soft-core lesbian porn. It's written and directed by William Hellfire, who has the coolest surname ever. I wish my surname was Hellfire. You know this is a porn from the cast and crew list since even the staff responsible for music and cinematography don't dare to use their real names in the credits. Instead we get amusing shit like Cream Tangerine and Joey Smack. No, I won't show you any pictures you dirty hounds, this is a family site (lol)!
So what this movie can offer are the worst stop-motion dinosaurs I have ever seen (obviously stock-footage) and some fake lesbian sex. Of course this is a soft-core porn, so the real question is of course: how good is the fake sex? Well, it's bad, you could often see how obviously fake it was, heck they even faked the kisses sometimes. Thes sex scenes also felt quite boring and repetitive and completely failed to turn me on. The "story" is that an anthropologist and her lesbian lover (assistant) watch a prehistoric lesbian tribe on a nearby planet from their spaceship (love nest). And the best sex scene is actually their scene and not one with the prehistoric lesbians, who are the stars of this flick. The assistant also has far too many lines of dialog, which is a pity, since she can't act at all. Although some of the sex scenes are pathetic when the porn actresses can't even act that they have sex. The most memorable line of dialog is when the anthropologist in the beginning of the movie says that "you shouldn't miss a moment since you might miss the goal you set for yourself when you purchased this movie". Well if the goal was to get a hard-on you'll miss it anyways! And did we really have to see the stop-motion dinosaur take a shit. Since that was like soo important. Also, there were not really any bikinis, so the title lied, you did get to see a fair share of female nudity though, so that's good. Unfortunately only some of the girls were really attractive.

Ok, so let's do the other one. Dinosaur Valley Girls is a B-movie from 1996 with a lot of sexploitation, BOOBS and stop-motion dinosaurs.so this one actually has a plot. The main character: Tony is played by Jeff Rector. He plays a action movie hero who has been criticized that he can't act and his action movies look fake. That is of course all true, since it is Jeff Rector we are talking about. He has a girlfriend who is the most annoying girlfriend ever, but she has nice tits and a nice ass, so he won't leave her. It also shows early in the movie that our protagonist indeed is a REAL MAN, since he smokes in bed instead of letting that cunt of a girlfriend pester him. Tony is plagued by dreams about some foxy naked women with big BOOBS. They will of course be introduced later in the movie. There's a running gag in the movie that get old quick that he promised his girlfriend and all the other girls he sleep with "little parts" in his movies. It's a sad joke, but I bet the large unnecessary female cast, especially those in the beginning of the movie that don't really add anything got their "little parts" from sleeping with the director. So magic finally get him to Dinosaur Valley where he meet the main love interest called Hea-Thor who is far from the most attractive cave woman in the movie, but she has the biggest BOOBS, and that's why he likes her the best. Tony is a living one-liner machine, who can't speak in anything else than cheesy one-liners. While this could indeed be awesome, most of his lines are depressingly lame. We also meet a pervy dino who rip of Hea-Thor's bra. Bad Dino (lol!). Anyways Hea-Thor introduce Tony to the rest of the tribe (Bar-Bee, Bran-Dee, Mee-Shell, Deb-Bee etc.) There he finally get to get intimate with Hea-Thor, but don't worry, he get to pork most of the rest of the tribe too. However the female tribe a splinter from a tribe that contained both males and females. The males are lead by the "kind of" antagonist Big Mac. Big Mac have several henchmen like Korn-Dag and Bro-Mo and so on. Well, the conclusion is a love conquers all thingy, that you could see from miles away. There are some really good stuff in this movie though. Tony's "Big Mac is the Disease and I am the Cure" line makes one forgive him from his earlier lame lines. There is a stupid, and terribly bad music number in the middle of this movie. I think it should have been cut, since it's not a very good one at all. Also Tony defeat an Allosaur by using movie quotes, and that is awesome.
SPOILERS: The movie end with the males and females moving back together and Tony and Hea-Thor living happily ever after. What a shocker!! /SPOILERS
Well. this movie is not that bad. It's a amusingly dumb bad movie, that you might enjoy if you want to see some bad acting, stupid dialog and glorious BOOBS. Best enjoyed with a 6-pack of beer.

So what did we learn from these movies? Well, that it's manly to smoke in bed for once. That one-liners can be painfully bad some times, but really shine when they have that extra spice of AWESOMENESS. And of course that Hellfire is a kick-ass surname. Well, that's it for now. More reviews coming up in time.

The Spoony One

One of my favorite reviewers on the Internet is definitely the Spoony One. Noah Antwiler does a review show where he reviews mainly movies and video games under the pseudonym Spoony. He is known for his Dr. Insano character, basically an archetype for an nutty evil scientist, and also for his hatred for Final Fantasy (seriously those videos are hilarious, check them out!). All his videos can be found on his homepage http://spoonyexperiment.com/ and on http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/ where he is just one of many talents.

However Spoony recently admitted he is suffering from a depression. This is seriously bad news. I can only hope he will recover from it soon. I would ask any lurker who happen to stumble upon this blog to visit his site and watch his videos. I fear he can only recover if even more people than before watch his videos, join his site and spread the word of the Greatness of the Spoony One.

Of course recently another thing happened that got me worried. After having watched the terrors of the new Twilight movie Spoony made a funny vlog about it, while getting drunk in front of the camera. While the vlog itself was funny, I don't think this made anything better. Sure, Spoony only have himself to blame, he should know Twilight movies are turds by now and avoid them like the plague. But watching a Twilight movie while suffering from a depression is definitely not a smart move. I would at least not recommend it. So in conclusion I can only say one lesson was learned: Don't watch Twilight.

Oh, and Spoony posted another video recently, at least he has sobered up.

Short Hard Rock Zombies update!

There is a kickass website dedicated to Hard Rock Zombies. Check it out!! http://www.freewebs.com/hardrockzombies/

B- movie review: Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

I decided to start my B-movie review blog with one of my favorite movies at all time: Hard Rock Zombies!! So with this in mind, this review will perhaps not be as much a critical review as a general praise for the awesomeness that is Hard Rock Zombies. The movie is about a crappy rock band and their manager who are on a tour in God forsaken Redneck Country (a country I think exist between Canada and New Orleans on the map). The lead singer end up falling in love with a local teenager called Cassie, but let's just call her Jailbait for simplicity. So Lead Singer and Jailbait's love story is interrupted by things you find in any God forsaken Redneck town, namely evil midgets, a werewolf granny and Adolf Hitler himself (yes, Adolf Hitler). It don't take long however before the curse of the undead is unleashed on the town, and we don't just have to deal with an undead Hard Rock group, but also Midgets, a Zombie Werewolf and Zombie Hitler! This movie even have a zombie eating himself. It's safe to say this movie is totally awesome!

The acting is cheesy, and it's safe to say the actors pretty much just have fun with their roles and the absurd setting. And that is usually what makes a otherwise bad movie good. If the actors are just allowed to have fun there will be a lot of cheesy dialog and weird jokes, and stuff like this really add to a movie meant to be cheesy and fun to begin with. There's of course some music in this movie too, it's about Hard Rock Hallelujah after all. Most of the songs performed is quite meh though, not really that good. However the love serenade is one of the better ones, and that is what matters, since only that one is really central to the story.

Here's a link to the IMDb page of Hard Rock Zombies: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089254/
Also here's a link to a trailer on Youtube uploaded by Deathdealus 1984. I think it's fan made (I wonder if there's a real trailer out there somewhere), but it's awesome so watch it and like the video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUEK6FlOmkY

Thoughts on Europa Universalis 3 and Paradox games in general.

Paradox Interactive is a Swedish Game developer that has specialized in grand strategy games. Titles like Europa Universalis, Victoria, Hearts of Iron and Crusader Kings are all examples of Paradox grand strategy titles. They all work in a very similar way, they are real time strategy games where you control either a country or a dynasty (depending on the game) and try to steer said nation or dynasty through the challenges that the time period featured presents. You play the games on a 3-d map where you have a couple of provinces under your control at start. Of course if you start as a large nation you might have a really big empire to begin with already. You can always pause the game in order to make important decisions, which help especially when you are at war. Of course in Paradox games wars aren't everything. You will probably not be able to conquer the whole map anyways. Diplomacy, economic policy, trade and your laws are as important. You have to make sure your people like you enough to not rebel every time and you always have to balance your budget to make sure your economy don't collapse. Also diplomacy is always important. If you just wage war all the time every other nation will hate you and gang up on you. In Paradox games creating alliance or other pacts are very important features, every nation need friends. It also always help to choose your conflicts, don't attack unprovoked too much. Try to get casus bellis (justification for war) or just make defensive pacts with your neighbors. Sometimes you gain the most from wars you enter to protect another nation.

Europa Universalis 3 is the third installment in the Europa Universalis series. It takes on the time period 1399-1820, from the Renaissance to the fall of Napoleon. It gives you the option to play as anything from great powers such as France and the Ottoman Empire to trade powers such as Portugal and Venice, and to small principalities of the Holy Roman Empire such as Bavaria, Luneburg and the Palatinate. You can also play as non- European powers such as Ming China, the Sultanate of Brunei, several Indian kingdoms, the Songhay empire in Africa and much more. Europa Universalis 3 has 4 expansion packs: Napoleon's Ambition, In Nomine, Heir to the Throne and Divine Wind. The expansions have added so much more to the game that I wouldn't recommend playing it without them. Vanilla EU 3 actually feel a little bit empty. I would therefor recommend people new to the series to buy the Europa Universalis 3 Chronicles package since it contains all 4 expansions (the Complete package actually only have the two first ones, since they hadn't planned to do more expansions when the package was launched). The expansions has actually added so much that it feels like playing a whole new game. If there's something to criticize Paradox for is that they have not really given Africa much love, which is sad. This also apply to other titles such as Victoria where Africa feels too empty and you miss many of the historical African kingdoms. But I can honestly say that Europa Universalis 3 indeed are one of my favorite games.

When you have familiarized yourself with the game you might want to try some user made mods. These can be found on the Paradox forums on the Paradox interactive homepage. Some of the mods like Magna Mundi and MEIOU adds a lot to the game and are nothing short of masterpieces on their own right. I would also recommend to always update to the newest patch of the game, since even the patches sometimes adds a lot of new goodies.

The Paradox Interactive homepage: www.paradoxplaza.com

The Nightmare Studio

My name is yourworstnightmare and you're all welcome to the Nightmare Studio. I will use this blog to comment on things I like and dislike. I will also review some B-movies and probably state my opinion on things happenign (expect annoying ramblings about politics now and then, since that is a topic that deserves rants now and then, I will try not to fill the blog with it though). Also I will probably review some strategy games from Paradox Interactive at some point.

So anyways, this is my blog if anyone is interested.