B-Movie review: Space Hunter: Adventures in the Frobidden Zone (1983)

This is actually a very good movie. You can tell it from the beginning when the cheesy title attacks you, I mean it really does attack you. That's a high score on the cheesometer. The movie start with a nice little explosion on a Spaceship that forces three beautiful babes to flee on an escape pod. They end up crashing on a desert planet where the natives soon naturally are attracted to the site (hehehe). Our hero lives in a pile of junk in space. His name is Wolf and he is known for never paying his parking tickets, his rent, or his ex- wife. Now that's a REAL HERO for you. He isn't alone, his mechanic is a sexy android (that he bones of course, it's all implied) named Chalmers (if I ever bought a sexy android, I'd do her too). Unfortunately she dies early in the movie. Nooo, she was the best character!! And holy facemelting Jesus, do you really have to melt her skin just because you decomission her, Wolf?

So Wolf is trying to find the babes from the escape pod, and they have been taken to the Forbidden Zone, a part of the planet terrorized by a plague. Wolf teams up with a scavenging teenage girl played by Molly Ringwald! Thar'd make this one of her first movies! She's actually quite good in this, although she nag all the time, but that's just because SHE'S A WOMAN. They also team up with the space cop Washington, who also is on the same mission. They face of against Fat Mutants, that are so obviously dudes in fat suits, that it's totally obvious. And they encounter water amazons (yay!!). The bad guys called the Overdog and the Chemist are creepy enough, but they don't have a villain laugh (damn). All in all, it's a quite fun ride. A very under appreciated movie. If you want some quality 80's cheese, give it a try. It feels a little bit like a mixture of Star Wars and Mad Max, and that can never be wrong. It's almost sad they never made any sequels.

B-Movie Review: Star Crash (1978)

The first review of the year is another Star Wars clone, called Star Crash with Caroline Munro as the leas actress. And the good thing is that she will wear a quite skimpy "outfit" indeed during much of this movie to really show off her better "assets". Anyways, the movie opens on the spaceship Murray Leinster. This of course opens the question whether the Irish originate from Space. However the ship's computer is glitching, since it can't stop calling for "Major Bradbury to the Communication Bridge", That's what you get for using Windows Vista on your Space Ship. On the bridge, the Bad Bland Extras hold their yearly Conference, before being attacked by a red Porno Light. Also this space is Disco Space, because of all the pretty colors. In the 70's even space was dancing all night long. Suddenly there is a Star Wars opening text, but it's in Space Language, so I can't read it. Only the French understand Space Language. So Caroline Munro and her sidekick are fleeing from the authorities. And of course every criminal that flees from the police immediately says: "Aha, looks like the cops", however Munro's "First yo gotta catch me, you dirty cop" tells us that this girl is eager for some action. Well, Munro and her sidekick are caught and arrested, but the jail is the worst in the Universe, so she flees quickly, and is recruited by the Emperor of Space, Christopher Plummer to a mission to save the Universe from an evil count by finding the remnants of a space ship.

So Caroline Munro in a sexy outfit are going on an adventure together with her sidekick, that seems to suddenly have become some kind of Jedi Wizard thingy, an awesome Robot, who's the REAL main character, and Obvious McTraitor, who's quite awesome too. The Evil Count is also great, because he has a great evil laugh. The robot is quite horny (and who wouldn't be when Caroline Munro is in the room) and says awesome lines like: "It's nice to be turned on again". And the movie treats us with awesome stuff like Stop Motion giants, Amazons in revealing outfits (yes!!), and Cavemen. And David Hasselhoff is in this movie, even though The Hoff and all his awesomeness is introduced quite late in the movie. This movie is full of awesome lines and terrible acting. The story makes no sense at all. It's so bad, it's frigging AWESOME!! This movie I can recommend. You won't forget it anytime soon. Especially not the awesome robot!!